Evidence of His Life...

For more than two years, I have been wanting to go to the Planned Parenthood where I had my abortion to get my records, in hopes of finding out more information about my first baby and really hoping for an ultrasound photo. I was nervous/anxious/scared to call because I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what they would say. A friend of mine greatly encouraged me and gave me boldness to step out and take that first step in calling them. She shared with me what I should say and that helped a lot. So, I called and said I'd be in town this week and wanted to stop by to get my records. I had no idea whether they'd have an ultrasound photo or not...I mean, I remember getting an ultrasound, but don't recall them printing anything off. I think part of the reason I put it off for so long is because I was scared they wouldn't have one and that would break my heart. I wanted to go in person, rather than dealing with it all by mail, because I knew I would have to show my I.D. and sign some paperwork (by mail it is much more complicated). And I also wanted to be sure they didn't leave out any of my records (specifically my ultrasound images). I felt like it was something that I needed to face in person.

I went to Planned Parenthood this afternoon (December 29th) and asked for my records and said I wanted any ultrasound photos that they might have. My friend told me they usually leave this out when women ask for their records unless you specifically ask for them. The girl looked at me strangely and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I was shaking and so nervous, but prayed for courage and the words to say. The Lord gave me confidence. I was waiting in anticipation to see if they had any photos and I saw her go over to the copy machine. I was so happy! Then, I asked if I could have the original copy and that's when the woman who had counseled me (the manager) when I had my abortion came into the room...she had pulled in right after me. I see that was God's perfect timing. I had almost come a different day and then a different time that day. She said they have to keep the original on file for 10 years and I asked if I could have them before they throw them away and she said nobody has ever asked her that and that she'd have to check for me. Then, she said, "Why do you want them?" She looked alarmed at first and asked if I needed to see somebody about this and I said, "No, the Lord has brought me total healing, but having this photo is very important to me to grieve healthily and honor his life." I felt that was my open door to share a shortened version of my testimony with her...with the very woman who counseled me when I had my abortion! I even mentioned my blog and she wrote it down and said she wanted to read it. The Lord truly put the words in my mouth and it was beautiful to feel His presence there with me. It was very difficult to go back in there after all this time. Then she said she is going to ask if I can have the original copy now, without waiting 7 more years! I truly feel this is a gift from God to have this ultrasound photo...it's another step in this journey of healing and grieving the loss of this precious life. Now, I believe it is time to name this child and respect his life in that way. I also plan on getting a name plate for him (I've always felt this baby is a boy, just as I knew Lily was a girl from the beginning) at the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I went there last year on Mother's Day (so special!) and it really is such a sacred place. I am also going to get a brick in the garden dedicated to stillborn and miscarried babies for my daughter, Lily Katherine. It's the only place on earth that is in honor of both my babies at once! 

I am greatly inspired to get a memory box together for my baby (something I've wanted to do for a long time as well, but feel it is time now). My first child who matters deeply to me and to God. My first child who I will openly grieve the loss of. My first child who deserves a name and will receive one. My first child, who I just found out today was due on October 1st, 2009 (what a gift in knowing)... My first child, who should be over two years old today. Today, I am so thankful to have this gift, this ultrasound photo...evidence of my first child's life...