Sunday, January 30, 2011

When was the moment?

The days have been a blur...


They flowed together and I've forgotten the emotions that in the moment were so raw. The feelings that cut so deep and I thought I'd never forget.


Yet, I've forgotten them until now. Until mom brings up the way it used to make it so hard to breathe when my mind would wonder how


...life goes on. The moon still rises and the sun still sets...Shouldn't the whole world just stop? Mine has. How does the wind still blow? Doesn't it know you aren't here?...


Daily life continued...even when my whole world crumbled around me and my dreams were shattered. Even when I wanted to cry out with tears in my eyes and my arms outstretched to the heavens


God, can I please have her back?!


When I was in the midst of the suffering and in such shock, the days dragged on. There was a secret only I knew; how my body betrayed me, seeping milk out like tears, reminding me I'd never know this special bonding between mother and babe. Mind knew she was gone, but heart and flesh?


Heart and flesh begged that the truth was a lie. That I'd wake up from this awful nightmare.


Memories are no longer so distinct. Now it's months I think of, not days. When exactly did this happen?


When was the moment I stopped feeling like life should stop for everyone?


But, isn't that just like Him? How He moves and you don't even realize what He's done until you look back and say ahh, He was working!


He's healing my heart.


It still hurts, just in a different way. Though it may be a little more bearable now, I still miss her dreadfully. It hurts to know I'm getting farther away from her, from the last time I held her. From here, people will only forget her more. Life will keep marching on, even for me.


The more steps I take away from March 16th, 2010...the closer I am to reuniting with her in eternity.


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Thursday, January 27, 2011

From Desiree

My dear friend, Desiree, who is Lillian's mommy, made this for me.


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Monday, January 17, 2011

a dare to live fully right where you are

Why do we rush through our days like we're running from something? Or maybe we feel we're running to something. Maybe we feel we can somehow make time move quicker, to reach our dreams. But, then we lose the beauty of the moment we're in. We don't recognize what we have right now to be precious.

So precious.

So we wish our days away. Wishing we were someplace else. Imagining we'd be truly happy if only we had this, if only we lived there. And then we miss what we have and where we are. 

What about the joy to be had now? What about the life to be lived now?

Ann Voskamp's book, "One Thousand Gifts," came out today. Everyone should read it, seriously.


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