A Letter to My Son

My Dearest Luke,

You should be here. You should be close to 3 1/2 years old. Playing, laughing, learning, growing...a part of my every day, my life, my family, my all. Instead, you are a part of my every day in a way I never could have imagined. I never could have dreamed I'd have to carry this weight with me for the rest of my days on earth. This grief over the loss of you and knowing you would probably be here, bringing joy and beauty to this world, had it not of been for a decision I made. Regret hardly conveys the depth of my emotion. This grief and sorrow threatens to consume me at times.

Today is your 4th "Heaven Day." February 6th, 2009...a day that will be etched into my heart and mind always. The day that you died and the day that a part of me died with you. A fog settles in on my heart on this day each year, just as a thick fog settles on a city on a cold, rainy day.

I was distraught as you grew, distraught as I took that little pill that I thought would "fix things" and distraught after. I can hardly bear it that I did not fight for your life, like a mother should. Fight to protect you. I did not place your life before my desperate thoughts of self-preservation. I was deceived into thinking you were not really a baby yet at that gestation, so what I was doing was perfectly okay.

I don't quite know how to picture how you'd look, who you'd be. It seems almost like a distant memory, even though I never truly did know you in that way. Each time I try to imagine, it seems just out of my grasp, like how a dream feels when you're waking up and trying to remember what you were dreaming of. I like to think of you full of life and love, playing energetically with trains and trucks...though I don't know much else to think of beyond that. I don't know how to picture your nose or hair or the color of your eyes. My mind just freezes when I try to go to that place.

All I have of you and will ever have of you is the one single ultrasound photo. That and a few items I have collected in your honor to be put in a special memory box. They are basically created memories. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for these things, but they all seem so empty at times when I should have a living, breathing child in my arms.

You will forever and always be my first babe, the first child of my womb, and nobody could ever replace that love I have in my heart for you or that special place you will always hold. Lily was my first-born, but you were my first. I hope to have more children one day. They will grow up always knowing about and loving their big brother. You will teach them so much in your short time on earth...about the value and beauty of each individual life, no matter how small. How God has a plan and purpose for each one of us. And we are precious in His sight!

Thank you for teaching me all these things and more. Thank you for being you. I know you are resting in the tender care of Father God and you will wait for me until that glorious day where I meet you for the first time. I must say "I'm sorry, little one," though I know in my heart you hold no unforgiveness or sadness towards me, your mother, and you extend only love and mercy.

I know this "choice" can never be undone and it is my hope and prayer that through our story, others will choose LIFE. I'd give anything to go back and embrace your life, but since I cannot, I will live with this forever. The grief I feel is hardly as big as the love, dear Luke. This love I have for you knows no bounds. I am just so sorry I discovered the love too late. I have such joy in knowing I will see you one day and know you in a way I never will here. I have such hope in telling others about your life and what God has done in me because of your life. I am who I am today because of you and your little sister, Lily. God has brought me such a passion and purpose because of you...

I miss you, though I never met you. I miss your soul, your life, your everything. I promise to always be your voice. I promise I will allow God to use me to share yours and Lily's story. It is all one story...for each chapter is intertwined into one glorious tapestry.

I wanted to be rid of you before. I hoped for nobody to ever find out you ever even existed...But, now I speak because I want the world to know you are my son. I will honor your life in every way I can, as long as I live...until the day of our Heavenly reunion.

I'll love and miss you always, Luke Shiloh,
Mommy

This post left me:

Tweet