Thursday, October 24, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 24

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 24: Artwork
October 24, 2013 ♥


Day 24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honor your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.

I have many pieces of beautiful artwork that have been created for me in honor of Lily. 

For this project, I want to share the piece that is most meaningful to me. It is one of my most treasured keepsakes, all the way from New Zealand. Chloé from Eternal Hope Memorial Portraits drew this portrait of Lily free of charge. She does this as a ministry to babyloss parents, in honor of her baby daughter, Hope. The roses and lilies symbolize my daughter and I (Hannah ROSE and LILY Katherine). The blanket and hat are what she wore in the hospital. Her face looks EXACTLY like it does in my favorite photo of her. I am amazed at Chloé's talent and generosity. I have this portrait framed and hanging on my memorial collage wall. You can read more about Lily's portrait on my blog HERE.

Some of my other favorite artists where I've gotten memorial artwork are Beyond Words Designs, The Midnight Orange, Epiphany Art StudioTiny Dream Shop, and of course CarlyMarie.

There is other special artwork that people have specifically made for me not shared here.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Beyond Words Designs Raffle!

There's less than an hour left to enter one or more of the amazing raffles over at Beyond Words Designs! There are so many wonderful baskets that are being given away. Each entry is only $1 and all proceeds go towards putting art into the hands of grieving families. This is one of my favorite artists who donated some of her art cards for my hospital comfort boxes. The baskets being given away are the: Holiday Basket, Rainbow Baby Basket, Still a Mother Basket, NYC Swag Bag, Angel Mom Basket, Angel Dad Basket, Miscarriage Basket, Family Basket, and the Get Creative Basket. Please support this awesome cause! I am honored to have donated a CD for one of the baskets being given away. Each dollar donated provides funds for 5 Memory Cards to be printed and distributed to women experiencing the loss of a baby. 

Go to http://beyondwordsdesigns.com/



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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 23

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 23: Jewelry
October 23, 2013 ♥


Day 23. Jewelry: Do you have a piece of jewelry in memory of your baby? 

I have many memorial pieces of jewelry in honor of Lily. My favorite piece is a necklace with Lily's actual footprints engraved from My Forever Child

For this project, I decided to share my piece of jewelry from the amazing organization called Held Your Whole Life. Asher's mommy makes free necklaces in honor of babies lost through miscarriage and stillbirth. There are so many amazing organizations and ministries in the babyloss community!

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Red-Velvet at the Fair

At the North Carolina State Fair, I saw red-velvet funnel cakes, which reminded me of Lily. Red-velvet cake/cupcakes are what we have in her honor each year on her birthday. It is a tradition that started because I had red-velvet cake at my Valentine's-themed baby shower. Now when I see red-velvet anything, I think of her. I love being reminded of my girl. :)



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Sand from Carly Marie

My friend Tiffany lives in California and went to the O.C. Walk to Remember last month. Carly Marie was in California for a visit from Australia and also went to the walk. She was handing out goodies, including little bottles of sand from Christian's Beach. This is the beach in Australia where Carly does all her beautiful artwork and where she's written thousands of babies names in the sand. Her artwork has been a huge part of my grief and healing. I treasure everything she has done for me. Truly, the babyloss community would look very different if Carly were not a part of it.

Anyways, Tiffany was so sweet to get me a bottle of this sand. She mailed it to me and it just arrived yesterday! It is in the cutest little bottle. I am so thankful to have this little bit of sand from the very beach where Lily's name was written across the world. It will be kept in Lily's memory chest forever... I am so happy it arrived when it did because I will be placing Lily's stone in about a week and a half and plan on sprinkling some of this sand at her "special spot." Not many people get to have some of the actual sand from Christian's Beach, so I feel so blessed. Thank you Carly Marie for giving these bottles out and thank you so much Tiffany for getting me a bottle and mailing it to me!

Tiffany's sweet daughter Genesis shares a birthday with my Lily... she was born on March 16, 2007, so I feel a special connection with them. The package that Tiffany mailed to me with the sand in it was addressed to "Lily and Hannah Rose." It made my heart smile to see my girl's name. :)


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Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 22

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 22: Words
October 22, 2013 ♥


Day 22. Words: Share your favorite quote, poem, song lyrics, Scripture that you have found.

My mom wrote this beautiful poem about her "granddarling" Lily Katherine for Valentine's Day 2011 and gave it to me as a gift. I treasure it and want to do something special with it.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Monday, October 21, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 21

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 21: Time
October 21, 2013 ♥


Day 21. Honor: Is there anything that you have done to honor your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

I desire to honor Lily and glorify the Lord with how I live my life. I am passionate about ministering to others who also know the pain of losing a baby.

I'm a writer and speaker. I write articles for many different websites and am in the beginning stages of writing a book. I offer support, encouragement, resources, and ideas to celebrate and honor children of Heaven on my blog and on my Lily's Legacy Facebook page. I hope to start a special remembrance event for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in Raleigh, North Carolina (where I live) in the years to come. I also donate hospital comfort boxes to be given to those who do not get to take their babies home with them.

I desire to break the silence around babyloss. I desire to show others through Lily's life and legacy how God values each individual life. I desire to share with others the comfort and peace Christ has given me in my loss. 

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 20

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 20: Hope
October 20, 2013 ♥


Day 20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.

I have the hope of forever in Heaven with Lily.

I have hope of getting married and having more children to raise on earth. Even if I don't, I am and will always be a mother. And I know God has a plan for my life and He holds the world in His hands.

My hope for those who will join the world of babyloss in the future is that they won't feel alone. They will know others have gone before them and have made it. That is part of why I "grieve out loud." I hope they will know the hope I've found in Christ.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Saturday, October 19, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 19

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 19: Support
October 19, 2013 ♥


Day 19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

My mom has been there for me and has grieved with me every step of the way. She is my biggest support. 

For this project, I thought I'd share my kitty, Pumpkin Muffie. I am a big cat-lover and really longed for a cat after losing Lily. Unfortunately, for different reasons I was unable to get one until two and a half years later. My cat has been so comforting to my heart. Just to have a pet to hold after feeling the ache of empty arms, even a couple years later has been very healing. I greatly encourage other animal lovers to get an animal (if you don't already have one) after losing a baby.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Friday, October 18, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 18

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 18: Release
October 18, 2013 ♥


18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

What I want to let go of on my journey of grief are my regrets... regrets over not getting Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep while at the hospital with Lily. Regrets over not getting professional maternity photos. Regrets of not getting a 3D ultrasound while I was in my third trimester of pregnancy. Regrets over not gathering more keepsakes and truly cherishing every second of my pregnancy, rather than wishing away the time, wanting Lily to be born. Little did I know that was the only time on earth I would have with her. It's hard living with those regrets... but I am thankful that Lily has taught me so many things in her short time here. 

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 17

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 17: Time
October 17, 2013 ♥


Day 17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.

Three years. Seven months. One day.... of missing my girl every moment. Of grief. Of love. Of learning what it means to mother my daughter of Heaven.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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Our Loss is Heaven's Gain

My grandmother read me an excerpt from a book called "Appointments with Heaven," by Dr. Reggie Anderson. His daughter is married to Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman's son. He is a doctor and in this particular part of the book, he is talking about being there when a baby is born and goes to Heaven. I was very blessed by what he wrote, especially towards the end. What a beautiful reminder of the beauty of LIFE, how God holds each life precious, and how our loss is Heaven's gain. I hope you are blessed by it as I was...


Each birth is miraculous and special in its own way. Attending deliveries is one of the happiest things I get to do as a doctor. When that wriggling newborn takes his or her first breath, that cry is celebrated. It means the baby has arrived, is healthy, and is breathing on its own. There is a congratulatory mood in the room. The parents are ecstatic at the arrival of their little one. I'm always deeply grateful to have once again peered through the open veil to welcome a new soul into the world and be the first on this side to hold him or her. Even jaded labor and delivery nurses who've been through thousands of births, are happy and smiling.

But sometimes when the veil opens, it doesn't close. The baby takes a breath or two, and the veil stays parted, waiting for the soul to return to Heaven.

There is no celebration in those moments.

It was Sandra's third pregnancy, and at twenty-four weeks, she was in premature labor. Even today, it's difficult for such a premature baby to survive. If Sandra gave birth - at that time and at that hospital - there was very little hope. The baby would weigh less than a pound, and the chances of survival would be very slim.

As the resident in charge, I did everything I could to keep Sandra from delivering. Sandra did too. But at two o'clock in the morning, our best efforts failed, and Sandra went into active labor.

When the baby arrived, it was without the usual fanfare. Sandra was a single mom, so there wasn't a father standing beside her and cheering her on. Sandra also knew the risks for such a premature baby, so she was crying, not so much from the pain, as from the sadness of what she was experiencing.

As the baby slid out, I quietly said, "It's a boy."

He was so tiny! With my outstretched fingers, I could cradle him in the palm of my hand. I assumed he wouldn't live long enough to take a breath, yet against all odds, I watched him struggle and succeed. Cupping him in my hands, he managed to get out a pitiful little cry, followed by a couple of short breaths. It was a valiant effort, and it took everything he had in him.

"Is he okay?" Sandra asked, sounding concerned.

"He's so frail. He's very, very young," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

I asked the nurse to update the neonatologist and her obstetrician. They hadn't come in because neither one expected the baby to take a breath.

"Can I hold him?"

I knew how much she wanted this baby. I took him to her and sat next to her while she held him. To make Sandra and her baby more comfortable, the nurse turned down all the lights except for a lamp in the corner. For the next fifteen minutes, I sat in a chair next to Sandra's bed and watched her weep over her baby. As I sat there, I sensed a warmth on my skin. It almost felt like I was sweating, but my skin remained dry.

The last time I felt this same warm sensation, I was in Irene's hospital room. I'd felt it with Dennis, too. That's when I knew God was keeping the veil open for Sandra's son to return to Him.

My heart broke for Sandra. For the previous twenty-four hours, she'd done everything she could not to go into labor. She was exhausted, hungry, and hurting.

And now this.

The tiny baby began to pant as he struggled to breathe. I thought about how Sandra had struggled with her own breath just minutes before to bring him into the world. Their patterns weren't that different. Breathe, pant, pant, pant. Her labored breathing was to bring forth life. His labored breathing was meant to keep him alive. I thought of the end-of-life breathing - the abnormal pattern referred to as Cheyne-Stokes respiration, something I'd witnessed so many times before - and marveled at the connection between the two.

Sandra cried softly over her son as he took his last breath. I watched when his little body relaxed and went limp in her hands. As she began to whimper, I felt the warmth of God's presence, filling the room and bringing comfort. He had been present through the delivery, and He was with Sandra and her son now.

As she cried harder, I cried with her.

A very thing veil of breaths separates this world from the next. Sometimes, the curtain blows open to let a soul come through. Sometimes, it remains open to accept a soul back in. I don't know what all was wrong with Sandra's baby, but I know he would have faced a mountain of insurmountable illnesses had he lives through the day; even then, there were no guarantees that he would have survived for long.

There are millions of babies who are never born into this world. As many as a third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Often, the mother thinks her menstrual cycle is just a week or two off. She has no idea that a baby is forming in her womb. I know that God holds every life precious and that babies who aren't born into this world are born directly into Heaven. In those cases, God is the ultimate baby catcher.

As painful as it was for me to watch Sandra's baby leave his mother's bosom and go to God's bosom, it was a reminder to me of divine sovereignty. God gives, and God takes. But when God takes, He is taking to Himself, to a place that is better than this fallen world we are born into.

Our loss is Heaven's gain.

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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 16

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 16: Seasons
October 16, 2013 ♥



Day 16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

I have noticed that the season of my grief often coincides with the actual seasons. Every season, in some way, reminds me of my girl and makes me miss her in a different way. 

Summer is the time of year when Lily's life within me first began. I am reminded of all the memories and emotions associated with that. 

Autumn reminds me of my pregnancy, ultrasounds, and my belly growing.

Winter reminds me of the time when I was getting closer to finally meeting Lily.

And spring is the season that is most bittersweet. Lily was born just days before the genesis of spring. March 16, 2010. The flowers were blooming and the sun was growing warmer on my skin. New life. Lily was to be a new life. Spring and Lily, they came together. It felt wrong when the seasons kept changing, though my little girl was gone. It felt as if the entire world should have stopped.

Holidays throughout the year are also bittersweet, as I am always reminded of the family member who is missing. Christmas, my birthday, her birthday, Easter, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving... with each year of passing holidays, more time separates me from her. Lily was born the day before St. Patrick's Day, so that especially reminds me of her... and Valentine's Day because I had a Valentine's-themed baby shower.

So many things remind me of Lily all year round. Yes, it can be bittersweet. But the more time that passes, it's less bitter and more sweet.


My little one, my dear one, my love,
you will be with me forever:
in the thin sunlight and long shadows
of a clear winter's day;
in the dawn excitement of birds
sounding in early spring;
in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees
in a mid-summer's night;
in the rich aromas and bright colors
of a warm autumn day.
All that is excellent,
brushed by Life's
brightness and shadow,
will remind me of you,
My little one, my dear one, my love.
You will beat with my heart,
see through my eyes,
hear with my ears,
feel on my skin.
Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,
My little one, my dear one, my love.
~Edward Searl

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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A Simple, Messy Note

My good friend Brittany is truly a kindred heart - she volunteers at her local pregnancy resource center, writes a blog about post-abortion healing, and locally speaks, sharing her pro-life story. 

Brittany sent me this photo. It is the note I left on the wall at the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee when I went on Mother's Day 2011. NMU is such a beautiful, sacred place. I have a name plate and brick waiting to be placed for Lily and Luke and plan on going again as soon as possible (hopefully next spring). I had nothing to leave on this memorial wall where people leave things for their babies who were aborted. I randomly found an envelope and scribbled this little note on it, just to have something there until I can get something together to take next time. 


Brittany lives in the Chattanooga area and came across this note one day. She visited my blog and wrote me an email last November. We have written many, many emails since then and the Lord has used her as an instrument in my healing. We haven't met in person yet, but plan to next year when I go back to NMU (and hopefully at the March for LIFE in D.C. in January as well!) Anyways, I am just amazed at how God brought us together in friendship through this random little note. Brittany took a picture of it because I honestly couldn't even remember what I had written on it. 

A gal I went to high-school with in Virginia (I now live in North Carolina) is in grad school in Boulder, Colorado. She wrote to tell me about a fellow student who is doing her dissertation on rhetoric surrounding unborn babies... this classmate of hers went to the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee and mentioned my story today in a presentation! She saw this piece of paper there. Now, my old classmate is going to connect us! What a small world, huh? 

Also, a gal who was in my sister's semester at Ellerslie in Colorado from spring 2012 wrote to tell me that her family received a focus on the family newsletter in their church in Canada and she was reading it and it sounded familiar so she turned it over and saw it was written by me! She had heard me share my story at Ellerslie. I'm guessing something I wrote for one of the pro-life websites gave permission for somebody to reprint something I wrote. 

It is just really neat to see how God is using my testimony and my Lily and Luke in ways I never could have imagined... and how He connects hearts and lives in all different states and countries and in all sorts of ways. I had no idea He'd use this messy note to connect me with people!

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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2013

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in America in October 1988 (less than a year before I was born), when President Ronald Reagan designated the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.


Today (October 15th) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. To recognize this beautiful, sacred day, people worldwide will be lighting candles at 7 P.M., letting them burn for an hour. Then just as their candles are burning out, other people in the next time zone will be lighting their candles. This will create a Wave of Light that lasts for 24 hours. Whether you have lost a baby or not, please take part in the Wave of Light tonight to honor my Lily and all babies of Heaven. If you light one for Lily, I'd love for you to take a photo of it to send to me, or just tell me about it.


Today was a very special day for me. My grandmother who also lost a baby is visiting this week. This morning, I took her to see the pregnancy center where I volunteer. Then, my grandmother treated us to lunch at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant and where we eat for Lily's birthday each year). My mom, grandmother, new sister-in-law and I ate together. After that, we came to my house where we visited for a while before lighting our candles at 7 for the Wave of Light.



I got a new lantern for 50% off at Cracker Barrel and put several tea light candles inside. I lit one specifically for Lily, Bumma (what we call my grandmother) lit one for my Aunt Rachel, my mom lit one for Luke Shiloh, Kala my sister-in-law, and my twin brothers Adam and Joseph, lit candles for special loved and missed babies we know. And then I lit the last candle for all babies in Heaven with parents around the world missing them. We sat on the porch in the beautiful chilly October evening with our pumpkin-spice coffee and just soaked up the moment. It was perfect. I just wanted a relaxing, peaceful night of remembrance and this turned out to be just that.

Here is a video I took of the candles burning for our babies...


Here are the pictures that friends sent me today...

"For Hannah and any other mother who has lost a child"
Thank you Sierra
Thank you Mandi
Thank you Denae
Thank you Lisa
Thank you Catherine
Thank you Roxy for including my Lily in this beautiful drawing
The drawing with the names of many babies of Heaven by candlelight

In 2010 on this day, we went to a special service in Raleigh. They have stopped holding that service which stinks, but I plan on starting one up myself in the next couple years as a ministry for local babyloss parents. In 2011 on this day, I was at Ellerslie and went to Lily Lake! Then last year, we tried to go to the local service because it still said on their website they were doing it, so a group of us tried to go and found out only when we arrived at the church that they weren't having it. After looking forward to it so much, I was so bummed out. We were going to get coffee with some friends as a plan b, only to end up in a car accident. Nobody was hurt (thank God) and though the coffee shop was closed, we ended up going to a random McDonald's to have ice-cream with our friends. It wasn't what we had planned, but it ended up special nonetheless. This year was so incredible having my grandmother here. :)

Thank you to anyone else who lit a candle for Lily. I hope everyone had a peaceful day of remembrance, whether you lost your baby to stillbirth, miscarriage, SIDS, a fatal diagnose, or however. It was so beautiful scrolling through my Facebook news feed today and seeing so many posts and pictures of/about the Wave of Light and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It warmed my heart and reminded me that I'm not the only one who knows this grief... or this profound love...

Click HERE to read a blog post that captures why October 15th matters.

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Capture Your Grief 2013-Day 15

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2013 Photography Project 
Day 15: Wave of Light
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Raleigh, NC, USA
October 15, 2013 ♥


Day 15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. 

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. To recognize this beautiful, sacred day, people worldwide light candles at 7 P.M., letting them burn for an hour. Then just as their candles are burning out, other people in the next time zone light their candles. This creates a Wave of Light that lasts for 24 hours. 

My mom, brothers, sister-in-law, grandmother and I lit candles for my daughter Lily Katherine, my Aunt Rachel Ross, as well as other specific loved and missed babies. And then I lit the last candle for all babies in Heaven with parents around the world missing them. We sat on the porch in the beautiful chilly October evening with our pumpkin-spice coffee, and just soaked up the moment. It was perfect. I just wanted a relaxing, peaceful night of remembrance and this turned out to be just that. Only the bright light of the candles was shining in the dark... which reminded me of how dark grief and loss can feel, yet the love and joy that has come from these precious lives (no matter how brief) lights up any darkness. God's love pierced the darkness in my heart with the light of Lily's beautiful LIFE.

I hope everyone had a peaceful day of remembrance and that you found the Wave of Light to be as magical as I did. It was so beautiful scrolling through my Facebook news feed and seeing so many posts and pictures of/about the Wave of Light and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It warmed my heart and reminded me that I'm not the only one who knows this grief... or this profound love.

Click HERE to watch a little video I took of the candles burning.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project click HERE.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing click HERE.

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