Memory Lane

As I mentioned in my last post, I started working on my scrapbook. This is proving to be very emotional for me. Ouch, it hurts my heart to see these pictures. To remember how quickly her body began to deteriorate after she was born. I don't like seeing her dark lips. Her feet began peeling. The smell of death. I will never be able to forget that smell. Mom says she smells it sometimes randomly. Why must that be burned into my mind? This whole scrapbooking thing is tough. But, it must be done. Her story must be told. I must have a concrete memorial for Lily. So her brothers and sisters can know her. So her nieces and nephews can know her. So future generations can get to know the little girl who changed my world. And I must do it while it's fresh. I must do it so I don't forget anything. I've been sorting through pictures and I came across this one. It was taken on March 13, the day before Lily's due date. Three days before Lily was born. That's my friend Candy. The photo was taken at her baby shower. I was full of joy, excitement, anticipation. I was so proud for everyone to see my enormous belly. I was huge, wasn't I? By this point, I had major sciatica pain. By this point, Lily was already gone. I was blissfully unaware that I was carrying my dead baby. It was the last picture taken of me while I was pregnant with her.

Tweet

My New Project

I'm big into scrapbooking and have been wanting to create one for Lily for months now. So, today, my mom and I went to Michael's and picked out some things to get started. Just a few stickers and pages. This is going to be the best scrapbook I've ever done and will ever do, so I plan on taking my time on it. I'm going to do a couple pages at a time and spend all the time, energy, and money I need to. After all, this will be the only scrapbook I'll ever get to do for my daughter. 

I better make it good. 

I had planned on creating a scrapbook to document each year of her life. But, I didn't even get one full year with her. I'll post pictures to show the progress. The first few pages I'm going to be working on are the pictures from the hospital. Then, I'll move on to pregnancy photos and baby shower photos, all the things that celebrate Lily's life. I'm so excited about my new project! And I think it's a good thing for me to do now, around my 21st birthday on August 12th. It's going to be a rough month in August because Lily should be here, going to the beach to celebrate her mommy's birthday, wearing her adorable pink dress that is hanging in her closet untouched. This scrapbook should help a lot. I'm ready to see the finished product, but I almost don't want it to end. I'm saying that and I haven't even officially started it yet. 

Tweet

Remember

What does a babe in the womb feel like? I can't remember. What does it feel like to rub your hands over your enormously swollen, nine-month pregnant belly? I can't remember that either. What is it like to waddle from place to place? What is it like to look in the mirror and see all baby? And know that new life is almost here! What is it like for such joy and anticipation to flood through your veins? What is it like to look at your child alive? What is it like when your child looks back at you? What is it like to hear your baby laugh? What is it like to cuddle the most tiny, precious body you could ever imagine? What was it like to hold Lily at the hospital? How exactly did she look? How heavy did she feel? What was her hair like? These memories are fading more and more and I'm terrified of losing them completely. I'm terrified of not remembering everything about her, the only memories I have. I don't want to have to look at a picture to remember. 

What I can remember is how much I miss remembering these things. I miss my girl waking me up in the middle of the night, and it's just me and her alone. I remember how much I miss talking about how Lily was my little dancer because of how much she wiggled and kicked and punched. I remember how we joked and said she was polka dancing, or doing her Irish-jig, among so many other silly dances. I remember that certain holidays are coming where Lily was supposed to be here. I remember how last year I had said, 'well, this is the last Christmas I'll have without Lily.' I remember that March 16 will be coming so soon and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it. I remember how much I want to be a mother, how much I've always wanted to be a mother. I remember how at the age of six, I used to dream of finding a baby in the grocery store and I had to rescue that baby, I had to take care of her. I remember how hard it is to look at the newest picture you post of your little girl and I just sit there, staring at her eyes, looking at her outfit, admiring her tiny feet. And the longing is there like never before. I was born for this. I believe it's a God-given desire. So, when will I get my chance? 

I remember how every moment of every day I miss her. I remember how my dream my entire life is to be a wife and mother. I remember how this dream has intensified all the more since losing my baby.

Tweet

Lily's Rose Petal Name

Lily's name was written in rose petals by Bailey's mommy, Danae, as a part of the Rose Garden of Names. I especially love this since my middle name is Rose. :)

Tweet

Bound 4 Life!

I'm working on starting a Bound 4 Life chapter in the Raleigh area. Will you join me either here in Raleigh or in your own community?



Jesus, I plead Your  blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America!!

Tweet

Back to Work

I started working as a waitress at an Italian restaurant. Going back to work after having and losing my baby is hard. It makes me anxious thinking about facing the world, dealing with insensitive comments, pregnant bellies, and people not knowing about Lily, me not knowing how to respond when asked if I have kids, etc.

Tweet

a picture of my grief

The Lord gave me a picture of my grief, a picture of letting go and giving my hurts to Him....

I danced with You, God. 

We twirled around and around and around and around. It was full of passion. Full of love. Full of beauty. Full of grace. I clung to You. You clung to me. I rested my head on Your shoulder. You comforted me. And as we danced, I let go. I surrendered. I imagined myself letting go of everything, all my worries, concerns, hurts, fears, and doubts and giving them to You. Clinging to You, instead of to them. If I cling to You, dance with You, there is no room to hold onto anything else. 

And if we're dancing and I'm focused on You, I can't focus on anything else. And if I'm letting You lead, You'll lead me where You want me.

Dance with me, Lord. Take.the.lead.

Tweet