4 Seems Like Such a Big Number

A few nights ago, I saw a commercial about the upcoming Winter 2014 Olympics, which are coming in February... I sat there in disbelief that it's already almost time for them again.

It's been four years since the Winter 2010 Olympics... such a long time. Four years is the time frame that people graduate from high-school and college. Nearly four years since Lily was born. Nearly four years since her tiny body was laid to rest beneath the Virginia earth... I was in my third trimester of pregnancy with Lily when the Winter Olympics were on the last time. It is such a sweet memory of sitting on the couch with my family, watching for hours. I really enjoy watching the Olympics and that is something I got to do while Lily was here. I miss her... I wish she was here to watch them with me this time around as an almost-4-year-old.

I was recently talking with my brother about how I would almost have a 4-year-old in just a few months! Time flies. I don't know why, but 4 seems like such a big number. I hardly know how to imagine her at that age. In my heart, she will always be my baby. But, she wouldn't be a baby anymore if she were here. She would be doing all that almost-4-year-old girls do... whatever that may be, I will never know.

Here is a photo of my older twin brothers and I watching the 2010 Winter Olympics... we were having fun I promise, even though we might not look like it in the photo haha.

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St. Patrick's Day

To most people, St. Patrick's Day is just another holiday and a time to wear green and pretend to be Irish even if you're not.

Thank you for this photo, Catherine! :)

To me, this holiday is the day I left the hospital without Lily. It was the day I last held her in my arms and had to leave her there and drive home with an empty carseat. I remember a lady who worked at the hospital came into my room with her green hat and shirt. I hadn't even realized it was St. Patrick's Day until I saw her in her outfit...it was the furthest thing from my mind.

I have been seeing St. Patty's Day stuff in stores for the past couple weeks and each time I see these things, they remind me of my girl...

Anytime I hear about the holiday or see anything associated with it, my mind goes right to her. And I think it will always feel that way.

It was one of the only two days in this life where I got to hold and spend time with my first-born, giving her enough hugs and kisses to last a lifetime. Today, I was remembering what this day held three years ago...

Here are Lily Bear and I wearing our green today, in honor of my almost-St-Patty's-Day-baby!

I got this adorable St. Patrick's Day skirt form T.J. Maxx for really cheap! I couldn't pass it up a few weeks ago while I was shopping because of course it reminded me of Lily. It's perfect for her bear. :)

I also got these St. Patrick's Day socks at Target to wear in honor of Lily today! Missing my mid-March baby girl!

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Mid-January Memories

I am remembering what mid-January has brought in the past years...

On January 15th, 2010, friends from my local support group gave birth to and lost their precious twin sons, who were born too soon...

On January 15th, 2011, friends from my local support group were supposed to give birth to their precious daughter, who also came too soon, the September before that...

On January 15th, 2012, friends from my local support group were supposed to give birth to their precious son (Marcellus who I have written about quite a few times), who also came too soon, the October before that...

It is crazy how people in my group have so many similar names and dates in common.

Exactly three years ago today, on January 16th, 2010, I remember just what I was doing...Lily was exactly two months from making her arrival. My mom, sister, and I participated in the Raleigh Rally and March for Life downtown. We made signs to carry and I was so proud to show off my prego belly! I remember the powerful speeches that were made, that I have video recorded to this day. I remember walking really far and getting tired, being seven months pregnant and all.

I also remember the precious 6-week old baby boy named Nathaniel who we met there...my mom and I talked to his mom. The family had all red-headed children, including little Nathaniel. He was so cute! Nathaniel seemed enamored with me! I said he knew Lily was growing away inside me. :) We joked and said that he and Lily were going to get married one day...it would be an "arranged marriage," whether they liked it or not. ;) I remember I couldn't stop staring at him because of how precious he was and I longed to one day soon hold my own bundle of baby love.

In 2011, my mom and I saw him and his family at the North Carolina Right to Life Prayer Breakfast. Right away, we recognized his mom from the year before and my heart ached so much knowing Lily should have been there that year, outside of the womb. She could have finally met Nathaniel, who had grown so much in a year's time. He was walking all over the place.

At times, we still think of little Nathaniel and wonder where he is now...he is over 3 now. I bet he still has that red hair. But, he will never marry Lily. Even if it was just a joke, it's just a reminder that she will never marry anyone. Oh, how I dreamed of her marrying an amazing Christian man one day and having precious children of her own - my grandchildren. I didn't just lose a daughter, but more possible family members...so many dreams and desires were lost on that stormy March day in 2010.

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Remember

What does a babe in the womb feel like? I can't remember. What does it feel like to rub your hands over your enormously swollen, nine-month pregnant belly? I can't remember that either. What is it like to waddle from place to place? What is it like to look in the mirror and see all baby? And know that new life is almost here! What is it like for such joy and anticipation to flood through your veins? What is it like to look at your child alive? What is it like when your child looks back at you? What is it like to hear your baby laugh? What is it like to cuddle the most tiny, precious body you could ever imagine? What was it like to hold Lily at the hospital? How exactly did she look? How heavy did she feel? What was her hair like? These memories are fading more and more and I'm terrified of losing them completely. I'm terrified of not remembering everything about her, the only memories I have. I don't want to have to look at a picture to remember. 

What I can remember is how much I miss remembering these things. I miss my girl waking me up in the middle of the night, and it's just me and her alone. I remember how much I miss talking about how Lily was my little dancer because of how much she wiggled and kicked and punched. I remember how we joked and said she was polka dancing, or doing her Irish-jig, among so many other silly dances. I remember that certain holidays are coming where Lily was supposed to be here. I remember how last year I had said, 'well, this is the last Christmas I'll have without Lily.' I remember that March 16 will be coming so soon and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it. I remember how much I want to be a mother, how much I've always wanted to be a mother. I remember how at the age of six, I used to dream of finding a baby in the grocery store and I had to rescue that baby, I had to take care of her. I remember how hard it is to look at the newest picture you post of your little girl and I just sit there, staring at her eyes, looking at her outfit, admiring her tiny feet. And the longing is there like never before. I was born for this. I believe it's a God-given desire. So, when will I get my chance? 

I remember how every moment of every day I miss her. I remember how my dream my entire life is to be a wife and mother. I remember how this dream has intensified all the more since losing my baby.

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another 16th...

Well, today, July 16th, is yet another month gone by...another 16th that I don't have my Lily. It is also my grandparent's anniversary and my grandmother celebrates, despite the fact that her husband isn't here to celebrate with her. Wow...four months. Already? At times though, it's dragged by.


I just saw on the news about the Kid's Exchange in Raleigh that's going on this weekend. I almost threw up. I thought about in January going to the same place, at seven months pregnant. Mom and I spent hours picking out the cutest outfits, finding a stroller, and just about anything else you can think of. We should be going again looking for deals...looking for clothes that fit my growing girl. But, no...I didn't even remember it was happening until I saw it on the news. And I remember telling mom right after Lily died that I still wanted to go when they had it in July, just for some sort of comfort. That sounds crazy, I know. Don't ask me why. But, now just the thought makes me sick. I remember mentioning that next time we went we would be pushing the stroller around, but Lily would be inside, rather than a bunch of stuff for Lily. We had so much fun, deciding which shoes were cute enough to buy, and talking with the lady at check-out that happened to have a daughter named Lillian Katherine, who she called Lily Kate. One of my favorite memories. My feet were hurting so badly and I was having trouble standing and walking for so many hours. I literally sat down in one of the aisles as mom kept searching for clothes. We found the cutest clothes too...clothes that I can't part with and I never want to. I just want to have a room always for Lily, no matter where I move or how many other kids I have. She's my girl. And she always will be. And I never want anyone to think I've forgotten her.


Something that made the day better today was spending several hours with my friend, Dayna. She's wonderful company and always understands. Also, I got these pictures today from another butterfly mommy. Thanks, Lisa. So, both of these things cheered me up somewhat. 

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It's all I'll ever have

Hesitantly, I ventured into the space that belongs to her. Everywhere I look, there are screaming reminders of what could have been, the dreams that died that stormy March day. Today was the second time since Lily left this world that I was brave enough to go in there. And the only reason I did was because I wanted to find the little outfit she wore at the hospital and the matching blanket she was swaddled in, to add to my Lily chest. I've been desperately wanting a place to keep all my sacred keepsakes, all the things that remind me of her. And today I found it. I found the most perfect memory chest to house all my most beloved possessions. If there were a fire, it would be the first thing I would grab. I've wanted a concrete place to keep these things, but didn't quite know where to find it or how much it would cost. At GoodWill, of all places, there it awaited me. $23.71. That's what I paid for something so precious. It is exactly the way I envisioned it (pictures to come) and her things fit in there like a glove. The chest was just made for me.


I have everything in there that I want, everything that is, except for her hospital outfit and blanket. I know I must go upstairs to search for it, but I've been too afraid to go in there. 


The instant I walk in, my entire mood shifts. Gloomy, sad, lonely. My heart is heavy as I look around at all the decorations my mom and I had so meticulously figured out the placement of. The bright color scheme no longer seems exciting and cheery, but dark and somber. The paintings on the wall of a child and her mother, the crib, the dresser. I peek in each drawer and recognize all the tiny outfits that we had so enjoyed picking out and it rips my heart out knowing she never got to wear those tiny clothes that she would have already outgrown. I couldn't bear to take those outfits out and look at them. I'm not quite ready to face that dream that was snatched away so soon. I look in the closet where mom had created the "changing station." The pink walls surround the fully stocked changing table, with everything from Burt's Bees diaper cream and diapers, to kitten baby towels. It was all ready to go, now it just sits untouched, unused, unnoticed. Time seems to be frozen to a time before March 16th, when life was happy and I was full of hope. My green diaper bag that I got for free at LifeCare and matches perfectly with Lily's Moses basket sits at the foot of the changing table. Slowly, I unzip it, not knowing what I'll find. It's full of the things we packed to go to the hospital with. We had packed her bag and had it ready long before my own bag. After carefully examining which outfits Lily would look her best in, we made our selections. The only outfit left in there is pink. One of the other outfits that had been in there Lily had worn at the hospital and the other, she now wears buried beneath the earth. There are wipes, and newborn diapers, and coupons for baby items in that bag. Hanging in the closet is that darling pink dress, the one we picked out specifically for her to wear on my 21st birthday, this August 12th. And oh, it just hurts. I must get out of this room.


Then, it hit me. All the memories I will ever have of Lily can be stored in that tiny chest. Instead of a lifetime of memories, scrapbooks and clothes outgrown, what rests in that box is all I have. Instead of bins of barbie dolls and magazines from American Girl, I have a baby doll that waits in a crib for a little girl that will never come. Instead of a future of stories and laughter, I have merely memories of stories and laughter. Instead of hair cuts and braids, I have a small strand of her hair. Instead of scribbled papers that are priceless pieces of art in my eyes, I have papers that the hospital gave on how to deal with grief. Instead of a little girl presenting the news like her mommy did, saying things like, "George Washington had a very bad day today," I have an imagination that I use to try to picture how my little girl might have been. 


A lifetime of memories has to fit into that little chest. And it's not enough...it'll never be enough. But, it's all I have. And I cling to it.

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Sorrow mixed with Joy

Two weeks ago, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Can you believe it? At times it doesn't seem real, especially because it feels like I have nothing to show for it...Just empty arms, an empty cradle, a broken heart, and an out-of-shape body. The physical pain is almost gone and I am getting my strength back. So, now the only things reminding me that I was at REX Hospital on March 16th are the memories, the pictures, the keepsakes, and all of Lily's things around the house.


I guess it might be hard for some people to be surrounded by the belongings their baby didn't live long enough to ever use. My dad suggested that all the baby stuff should be put away before I got home from the hospital...other people thought that too. But, that's not what I wanted. Is it strange that I want to be around her things? I want to be surrounded with things and people that remind me of her. Stowing it all away would be like pretending she never existed. But, she did. She was real. And I'm still a mother. Looking through the clothes she never got to wear helps me grieve. I want to grieve. It seems like some people in my family are afraid of grief and want to escape it. But, not me. I don't want to rush through the grief, the healing. I want to experience all of it, for as long as I need to. I like to just sit in her room and look at all the decorations. It's really hard to be in there. She'll never get to sleep in her crib, get changed on her changing table, play with her toys, wear her clothes, or look at all the bright colors. Such sorrow fills my soul when I'm in there. These days, I am experiencing so many emotions. Mostly sorrow mixed with joy. Sorrow because I want my baby here with me and joy because she's with Jesus. Two emotions I haven't felt are bitterness and anger toward God. I am so thankful for that. I pray He keeps giving me the peace, hope, and strength I need to get through each day.


Lily would have been two weeks old yesterday. I can't help but think how one day this week, we would have been pushing her in her green stroller up to 'Growing Child Pediatrics', which is only about a mile away from our home. I picture her all bundled up with her pink, blue, and green blankets and wearing one of her adorable outfits. She would be so cozy and warm, just showered with attention. She was so cute. I'm sure I would have gotten a lot of compliments about how precious and adorable she was. It's chilly out this morning. I should be keeping her warm. I'm sure she'd be growing so much.


I try to picture how she'd look deeply drinking in everything around her. All the sights and sounds so fresh, so new. How curious she'd be. I'm sure she's doing that now in Heaven. But, what she sees there cannot be compared to what she would have seen here. Her eyes will only ever behold such beauty and wonder that mere words cannot describe. No human eye can comprehend. I'm glad she gets to see it. I hope she'll show me around Heaven when I get there. I wonder if she misses me. Probably not because there is no sadness in Heaven and we will never wish it was a different way. But, maybe there is a longing in her heart to be with me again. Like, there's a longing in Jesus' heart to be reunited with His Bride.

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April, please don't come so soon.

It's the last day of March...I don't want March to end. I've been waiting for it to come for so long. The promises that March held were beautiful. A new baby girl and motherhood just beginning for me. Now, my baby has come and gone. Yes, she was born, but not under circumstances I ever could have dreamed. She's with Jesus now. I don't know what I would do if I didn't believe that. How do people who aren't Christians deal with death? How dismal and depressing it must be. I am so thankful to know she's with my Lord, but I still want her here. I know she has all Heaven's glory, so is it selfish of me to want her here in this lost world with me?

I never knew I could miss someone so much I barely got to know. The only things I know about her are from how she acted in the womb. I keep thinking I should have done more to remember her. If only I had known that precious time with her was all I'd have. I would have talked to her more, read to her, and prayed aloud to her. I would have memorized her sleeping and waking patterns and payed more attention to all her movements. But, I can't regret that now.

A very brave woman, whose precious baby boy had Trisomy 13 and passed last October, recently told me that she can't imagine how much more excruciating it is for me since I was not prepared to lose Lily. I actually thought the opposite. I got to have forty glorious weeks of planning, laughing, dreaming, and loving Lily with everything in me. I'm so thankful for that time. Even though it was the hardest day of my life to show up at the hospital, expecting to leave with my new baby, only to end up going home with empty arms and an aching heart. I feel like it would have been tougher knowing she was going to die. God is in control. He knows what He's doing in each life. I have to remember that.

At the beginning of March, I was just thrilled. Until it actually came, it seemed like a distant dream that would never actually show up. The days before her birth were going by so slowly and I wanted them to hurry up so I could be with Lily. Now I wish I had soaked them up for all they were. I wish I had cherished more deeply every moment she was alive.

Once March arrived, I remember saying Lily would finally be here by the end of the month! Several of my friends and family had guesses on when she'd finally make her grand entrance into the world. As the days passed, I crossed people off the list who hadn't guessed correctly. My brothers were the first to go. Joseph initially guessed February 29th, but upon realizing there is no February 29th this year, he changed his guess to March 1st. I thought that was pretty funny. I guessed March 12th because I was born on the 12th of August. March 12th is the day we believe Lily passed away. It's interesting the day I thought she'd be with us on earth was actually the day she got to be with Jesus...she really did make it home.

I wish March didn't have to end. It symbolizes the end of one season of my life and the beginning of the next. It should have symbolized the ending of my pregnancy and delivery and the rest of my life with Lily. It should have meant the beginning of her life, but instead it means the end. Lily's gone and I have nothing to show for my labor except an extended waistline. April means warmer weather and the promise of summer. It also means that life goes on. As much as I don't want it to go on without her. I almost feel guilty that time keeps going, not caring who it leaves behind. But, there's nothing tangible I can do for my baby without her here. Even though I want to care for her so badly.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day, but I don't feel like being silly. Because my little girl never got to see April...or May, or June. She never got to see the changing seasons. I hope she does in Heaven. When April comes this year, the world may be moving on. My world may have to move on, but is forever changed by a sweet little March flower who taught me what life is truly all about, without ever speaking a single word.

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13 Days

It's been 13 days. 13 days since my world was turned upside down...13 days since Dr. M told me your precious heart was no longer beating. How have I made it this long without you? 13 days has felt like an eternity without you, sweet Lily. So how am I supposed to live 13 months without you, 13 years..30 years? The rest of my days on this Earth without my little flower. My mind and heart can barely grasp this agonizing thought.

I keep thinking about the days and weeks leading up to your birth. Oh, such excitement and anticipation that filled my soul! I would soon hold my sweet baby. But, the first time I held you was also the last. How could I have known? Now your body is in the earth. Alone. You need your mommy. And she needs you. But, the miles separate us. The grave separates us. I wish for one moment I could forget this nightmare. I would go back to before March 16. I would sing to you a little sweeter. Memorize all your kicks...Your sleeping pattern. If I had known these would be the only memories of you, I would have soaked it in so much more. I wouldn't have wished the days away. These were the sweetest days. Because they were spent with you. Now I cling to what I remember. Those precious nine months where you were alive inside of me. What I would give to have another 13 days...

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