Time keeps passing. Steadily. Surely. Six months gone by without her. I move farther and farther away from her with each day and today, that reminder is all too bitter. The six month mark has crept up on me so quickly and it's like a kick in the stomach. The little outfit my cousin got for Lily is hanging on my dresser. It says 6m. I hold it up to me and imagine her body filling it out, resting on my hip. The tears keep coming today. I'm glad I have my infant loss support group tonight. It's hard for me to look at 6 month old babies now and imagine her that size. I try so hard to picture her face and her smile, but I don't know how.
The Jewel-Lullaby album is very special to me. My mom got it for me during my pregnancy and Lily and I listened to it all the time. She would kick so much when I would play it loudly and sing to her. Listening to the CD now is so bittersweet, reminding me of the beautiful times spent with her. I couldn't wait to play it as I would have rocked her. This is my special song for her. Listening to it is a reminder of just how much I miss her. It's a reminder of just how blessed I am to be her mother. It's a reminder of how thankful I am God saved her and gave me 40 glorious weeks and 2 beautiful days with her. It's a reminder of how I will carry around her legacy and love with me always. How would she look today? What outfit would I have put her in? What would we have done to celebrate? Would she be giggling right now? Six months...in a way, I can't believe it's been that long already. Yet, it also seems like time has just dragged on and on and on. Happy half birthday, Lily girl!
The other day you asked me to
Tell you how much I love you
Oh, but words so often fail
To describe the depth and scale
And even though it may sound cliche
I'll tell you now in my simple way
My love is as true as the oceans are blue
And I'll always feel this way
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, Its you and me
Forever and a day
Forever and a day
Always
You watch me turn out the light
Wrap my arms around you, say goodnight
Trace our shadows on the wall
Thank God for the miracle of it all
My love is true as the oceans are blue
And I'll always feel this way
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, Its you and me
Forever and a day
Forever and a day
Always
The road of life winds
With the passing of time
I can hear you say
How can hearts know
Where love will go
Beyond today
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, Its you and me
Forever and a day
Forever and a day Always
Well, today, July 16th, is yet another month gone by...another 16th that I don't have my Lily. It is also my grandparent's anniversary and my grandmother celebrates, despite the fact that her husband isn't here to celebrate with her. Wow...four months. Already? At times though, it's dragged by.
I just saw on the news about the Kid's Exchange in Raleigh that's going on this weekend. I almost threw up. I thought about in January going to the same place, at seven months pregnant. Mom and I spent hours picking out the cutest outfits, finding a stroller, and just about anything else you can think of. We should be going again looking for deals...looking for clothes that fit my growing girl. But, no...I didn't even remember it was happening until I saw it on the news. And I remember telling mom right after Lily died that I still wanted to go when they had it in July, just for some sort of comfort. That sounds crazy, I know. Don't ask me why. But, now just the thought makes me sick. I remember mentioning that next time we went we would be pushing the stroller around, but Lily would be inside, rather than a bunch of stuff for Lily. We had so much fun, deciding which shoes were cute enough to buy, and talking with the lady at check-out that happened to have a daughter named Lillian Katherine, who she called Lily Kate. One of my favorite memories. My feet were hurting so badly and I was having trouble standing and walking for so many hours. I literally sat down in one of the aisles as mom kept searching for clothes. We found the cutest clothes too...clothes that I can't part with and I never want to. I just want to have a room always for Lily, no matter where I move or how many other kids I have. She's my girl. And she always will be. And I never want anyone to think I've forgotten her.
Something that made the day better today was spending several hours with my friend, Dayna. She's wonderful company and always understands. Also, I got these pictures today from another butterfly mommy. Thanks, Lisa. So, both of these things cheered me up somewhat.
Well, I haven't posted in over a week. It's not that I have a lack of words or haven't wanted to. I've just been busy...However, Lily is constantly on my mind. I wish she was here so much. Yesterday, it was a month since her due date. Tomorrow, it's a month since her birth. Has it really been that long? Sometimes, I can't believe how much time has passed. But, then I think about the journey that these past four weeks has been and it feels like much longer. I can't believe all the mixed emotions I've felt.
I know that every week on Tuesdays, I'll remember just how long it's been since I held her. Will I always count how many weeks it's been, even twenty years from now? Will I think to myself, it's been 237 weeks. Only time will tell what the weeks, months, and years will bring.
I keep wondering what it will be like when I get pregnant again. What emotions will flood my soul? Excitement for the new life growing inside, sadness because Lily's not here to share it with me, maybe even a hint of guilt? Only mothers who have lost a child truly know all the feelings and emotions that come with such a loss. What will it be like when I have to listen to my next baby's heart beating? Will I cry? Out of sadness, out of joy. Will I be afraid? Will I brace myself each week, wondering if I'm going to hear anything? Nothingness. I feel this fear rising up in me. Fear that this will happen again. Fear that one day that little heart will stop beating, like hers did. I don't think I could take it again. I'm so afraid of it happening again.
I never know when the sadness is going to creep in. All of a sudden, it's there. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I can feel fine, and then I'm overwhelmed with missing her. It feels so strange to see her room, just waiting for her. But, she's not there. Will I feel guilty when another child uses her things? I feel like all the stuff is hers! Nobody else should get to use it. I know it sounds silly. But, I can't explain all these things. I don't know why I feel the ways that I do.
Just try to understand.
I feel my gentle Saviour asking me to trust Him. With everything. I'm a mere human. I have no strength. But, in Him, I have the strength...strength to overcome anything. I know He's by my side. I know Lily's by His side. With all the unanswered questions, with all the fears, I choose to trust in Him.
