Saturday, April 24, 2010

Dear Lily,

My little love. My constant companion. My precious flower. You whispered "goodbye" before I had a chance to say "hello." I'm left with a bruised heart and shaken dreams. Empty arms desperate to be filled with you. When I heard those words, those dreadful words, that your heart was no longer beating, it was like I was suffocating. I keep having to remind myself to breathe...Why is it so hard to breathe?! 

I couldn't cry at first...I was just shocked. My world was shattered, crumbling around me. Somehow the physical pain didn't seem to matter much anymore. You went straight from my womb to the arms of Jesus. Why did you have to go? Doesn't He know I need you here? Doesn't He know that you're my world? And yet life goes on. I still hear laughter. The moon still rises and the sun still sets. But, I won't forget. Even when I smile, thoughts of you are always dancing in the back of my mind. Shouldn't the whole world just stop? Mine has. How does the wind still blow? Doesn't it know you aren't here?

Oh, the plans I had for your life. All the things I wanted to show you and teach you. I longed for the day you would finally fill all those clothes that are just for you. I waited and waited to see that beautiful, toothless smile I'd imagined so many times before. The way your eyes would sparkle. I would rock you for hours and softly sing sweet lullabies in your ear. I can't help thinking of all that could have been. All that was meant to be. You should be at home in your Moses basket now, not in that little white box.

What will life be like when what should have been your firsts come? Your first 'mama,' your first grin, your first giggle when you’d see me coming to get you out of your crib in the morning, your first tooth, the first time you'd crawl…and walk. Your first Christmas and how your eyes would light up with all the beautiful lights and decorations. Your first birthday and how you'd get cake all over your special birthday dress. Your first trip to the beach and mountains. As the months pass, I will wonder how you might have looked...growing so fast. Would your hair be curly? Who would you look like? Would you be talking yet? Walking yet? All that could have been...should have been. Yet, it will never be. This ache in my heart will remain because I'll never get to see all these firsts...and seconds and thirds. I'll never get to see my baby girl turn into a beautiful lady. I'll never get to hold her baby. Parents should never have to bury their children. That's not how it should be. It seems so unnatural.

My little blessing from Heaven, blue skies turned to gray when you slipped away. A piece of my heart left with you. Sometimes it feels like people are already forgetting you. But, I won't forget. So, don't feel like you're missing out on all the fun. Because wherever I go, there you'll be too.

My sweet, sweet Baby...You have changed me forever. You have left a footprint on many hearts. Someone so tiny has accomplished so much! More than a lot of people do in a long lifetime. How precious you are to God! And to me! In a matter of months, I went from looking at you as a burden to loving you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. My world was built around you. Now, I can't imagine the rest of my life without you by my side.

I miss every little thing about you and everything that reminds me of you. I don't want to forget a thing. Feeling you kicking in the middle of the night, joking about you, talking to you, calling you by your nicknames (Spud, my little flower, Lily Kat, Lilliputian, Lilykins, L.O. (Little One), Lily Kate), hearing your sweet heartbeat, seeing your chubby cheeks on the ultrasound screen, and being so amazed as I saw God form you inside of me. My belly grew as my love for you grew. I even miss waking up a thousand times every night for nine months to go to the bathroom and waddling around like a penguin. It's funny how all these things that used to annoy me are now the things I long to experience again. Just the comfort of knowing you were inside me - living, growing, thriving...In the safest place you could be. You were always with me...always protected.

God's hand was on you while you were in my womb. He saved you and you saved me. Thank you. I want the world to know how wonderful you are! The beautiful legacy you leave behind will never be forgotten. YOU will never be forgotten, precious Lily. My love, you are so pure, so precious, so tiny, so perfect. When I held you in my arms I had a taste of something truly divine. Such a sweet spirit. When I looked into your face, I saw the face of my Jesus. I glimpsed Eternity. I am so blessed to have known you. You will never have to know this world marred with pain and sin. You will forever be pure and innocent. I am proud to call you my child. Proud that God would choose me to carry you! A princess.

For now, I will have to hold onto the memories of you. The bittersweet memories of your little button nose, your little fingers and toes. How perfect you were. Every last detail of you just right. I will cherish these memories forever. For now, I'll have to hold onto the little keepsakes - the journal I wrote for you, your precious footprints and handprints, and pictures. They are not enough, but will have to do...For now. Because I know one day I will meet you at the gates of Heaven. Will you wait for me there? On that day, my Jesus will place you in my arms and I will finally be able to hold you, sing to you, smell your sweet baby smell, and look into your lovely blue eyes. Until then, I know He'll take good care of you. Until then, I will cling to the One who holds the world in His hands. Thank you for changing my life. I will never forget you little one, my precious angel who was simply too beautiful for Earth.

Love, Mommy

(I shared this letter to Lily with everyone at the service in honor of her on Friday evening, March 26, 2010.)

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This post left me:

7 comments:

  1. Dear Hannah Rose,

    I am dissolved into a puddle of tears as I read this. I understand each and every thing you have expressed and I too am feeling the same thing ~ for my Amelia Rose. I am so sorry that our babies are not with us, but believe that they now know one another as they surely in Jesus's arms together.

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  2. I too miss the things that once seemed 'annoying'. It makes me feel bad that I complained about it then. I would give anything to experience that all over again with my baby. (((HUGS)))

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  3. Oh sweet girl!!!! This is beautiful and precious. Just precious. Many, many prayers and thanks for your dear heart!

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  4. Not a dry eye in the room when you shared this at Lily's service. What beautiful words come from such deep and painful emotion. And words will never be enough. I thank God for His peace and the hope that comes with knowing Him. I love you and Lily always.

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  5. "I wanna see your pretty face again
    i wanna hold your tiny hands
    i wanna rest you on my heart again
    i wanna now that we'll both leave then"

    I love what you wrote Hannah.I don't think i could've said it any better about our sweet precious Lily Kat.I miss you Lily Katherine Allen Ball.I will always remember and always love you,and your mother.

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  6. I found it a bit hard to wake up in the mornings.The sun was so bright and blinding and the room was always so cold.Things i once embraced in the morning, like the sun and the air i breath,had made it hard to move.The air made me choke and the sun blinded me.knowing that you should be here with me waking up to the sun in your eyes and both of us breathing in the air that surrounds us makes it even harder because you are not here, no one is it seems.The days dragged on and the nights were loud ,like a train passing by your window,shaking and screeching with the thought of all that happened, the thought of you not here,in our arms.I took a peek at your eyes, i didn't think you would mind. they shined blue, as blue as the clear summer sky, I just wish i had a chance to say hi instead i had to say goodbye.My love will never fade for you Lily, you are always on mind and always on my heart.You have created peace among many people and brought peace to my mind. and that,is what makes you so special, so beautiful and the most special being i have aver had the blessing of being a part of.I love you Lily Katherine Allen Ball, Me and your mother miss you very much.Now when i wake i look at the sun and it promises not to blind me and the air tells me its OK to breath in, everything is going to be OK today.Shes still here, inside of my heart, keeping it beating and keeping me breathing.

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  7. Absolutley beautiful...praying for you and your sweet girl in heaven!

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