Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Why?

As I write this, tears are welling up in my eyes...it isn't fair. It just isn't fair. God, I'm not angry with you. I'm not bitter. But, why? Why didn't I deserve her? Why do others deserve their babies, but I don't? She tells me about them, about their little family..they're so happy, they love each other. He knows just how to make his tears subside, how to make him laugh. He's healthy, growing, thriving. He's here and she's gone. Why? Is she a better mother than I would have been? I love her just as much as she loves him.

Why do drug addicts, alcoholics, abusers deserve precious, innocent babies...they will turn out to be just like their parents. People that don't even want to have a baby...so easily get pregnant. Have an abortion, or maybe decide to keep them...Only to abuse them, neglect them, forget about them. Some want children so badly and can never have them...but they fight for them with fertility treatments..hearts are broken when conceiving seems impossible. Years are spent, with no success. Then, others have multiple children, with no problems, no complications. Just healthy pregnancies, healthy babies. She's 20...pregnant with her third. Why? I see so many women now with three, four, maybe five young children with them. Why do they get these precious little ones? How long will I have to wait for my chance? Will it ever come?

Now, the doctor says my pelvic bone was barely adequate to deliver her. And I should consider having c-sections with future pregnancies. Well, how many c-sections can one woman have? I don't want doctors telling me how many children I can or can't have. Will I even be able to be a mother? I see so many babies around me...so many pregnant women. I don't want to see them. It hurts. Each newborn I see, I wonder if perhaps he might share her birthday. How would she be changing now? What would she look like? How much would she weigh? It feels so empty here without her...so quiet. Some days, I know I'm going to make it...other days, I feel so sad. So alone. I miss her. I miss getting the attention that having a nine month old baby in my belly brought.

I should be getting attention for my newborn baby...but nobody knows that three weeks ago, I gave birth. Nobody knows that I had to give her back. Nobody knows that I am here with aching arms...arms that long for her. Only her. I feel like everyone should know. I know it's bad, but sometimes I wonder if I could ever love another child like I love her...will any other child be as special as she is? Why do I think this way? Am I not good enough? Would I not have been a good mother for her? God, it doesn't seem fair. I don't understand. So many questions, so many "whys" only You know the answer to. Come help my unbelief. Show me truth. Teach me to trust You.


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This post left me:

5 comments:

  1. And He is with you, Hannah! He will show you and guide you and bless you and love you! Hold on tightly to His hand and trust- His plan and path for you is better than ANYTHING you can imagine or hope for or dream for! He knows you, and He WILL give you the desires of your heart!
    In my prayers and in Him who Loved first!

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  2. Hannah, i'm praying for you. I love you so much. The Lord has never ever let go of you. He is still in control. He loves you so much. You are so precious to him. Bask in his glory. He is using you as a direct line to those around you. I praise him for your sweet life and your sweet Lily.

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  3. Gosh, I went through those same exact feelings right after I lost Jonathan. I would look around me at other moms, other babies and think those thoughts. Praying for the peace that only He can give. And He will give.
    Lauren

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  4. Our understanding of love is so twisted that it takes a lot of work to straighten it out. Jesus made it clear that life, real life - the life He died to give us - centers on knowing Jesus' Father as our Father - in good times and bad - and relating to His Father and everyone else the way Jesus does - in good times and bad. If God used His power to make our lives work in ways that we find easily and quickly satisfying, we would become even less aware than we already are of what God designed us to enjoy and more stubborn in our pursuit of everything else. Our naive self-centeredness can only be transformed in suffering. We actually must "learn to hate our sin, what's wrong is us, more than we hate suffering, all the wrong that's done to us." Who do you know who would rather sin less than suffer less? We must expect to experience "emptiness now, with the promise of fullness forever." To maintain the illusion that we're still wanting and following God, we think of Him as a vending machine for blessings rather than a burning fire who makes us holy. "Until we recognize the evil of demanding anything from God, we will not understand how His presence can bring hope and joy and release from self-centeredness." When life makes no sense, when what God is visibly doing is more frustrating than fulfilling, He wants us to live by faith. Even when God seems absent or, worse, indifferent; or worse still, utterly unfair by our standards of justice, He "wants us to wait, to feel life deeply but not to lash out in despairing frustration or angry rebellion but rather to still believe that His plan is good and on track." He's always loving us no matter how it looks. God wants to make us holy now and promises happiness later. This world as it is now is not our home and we are not who we nor He wants us to be. He promised to make all things new - me, you, everything on earth, even the earth itself, and the heavens. All things! ~excerpts from 66 Love Letters, a most excellent recent book, by Dr. Larry Crabb

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  5. Hannah, I am so sad for you when I found out I started crying. I was so sure I would be over there the first time she came home. My mother had a precious little flower of her that slipped away from her grasp.My mommy thought it was Her fault but no i wasn't.She was sad for the family Hannah, her baby, was going to go to. ( m;y mother was giving her up for adoption) For weeks she thought what have I done wrong to deserve this? But just like you she had many to help her, loving family and friends. So hang tight Hannah. Lily is up there waiting fo her lving mommy to hold her.

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