|The view from the Cemetery|
I wish I could go to Lily's spot whenever I want or need to. I wish I could tidy it up and keep it always looking beautiful. I wish I could visit on each holiday and every other day when my heart is aching for my daughter. I wish I knew exactly how it looked and could make sure the flag isn't off the stand (like it was when I first got there), weeds aren't growing wildly, and things are perfect, for my girl and for any visitors she may have. I wish I could take flowers often, rather than just a couple times a year. I wish I didn't have to be in a cemetery to feel close to my child. I mean, I know Lily isn't really there and she is safe at Home with Jesus, but every mother loves her baby's tiny, precious body. I am no different...I am thankful that I live close enough to visit regularly.
I had a short time there on Thursday when we first arrived, but it was pouring so I couldn't stay long. Then, we were so busy on Friday since it was our only full day there, so I didn't even make it to the cemetery, which made me feel guilty. :( I woke up extra early on Saturday before we had to leave so I could have some alone time at her spot. I stopped on the way and picked up some pretty pink calla lilies for my Lily. It was a beautiful, chilly morning. There was a light drizzle, but not too much to keep me from decorating and pulling weeds (I really wish they better-maintained the grass there). The fog matched the heaviness in my heart. It took me a while to get everything just as I wanted it to be, and then I sat on the bench and listened to "Who You'd Be Today" a few times. Then, I read my Bible. It's nice to just sit there...to be still. I was soaking it up until the next time I can go again.
Sometimes, I wish Lily was buried here in Raleigh so I could visit her spot whenever I want. It would be better in the short-term, but I don't know about how I'd feel twenty years from now. I know I will always have ties to Virginia, but I don't know about North Carolina. I just have to remember I did the best I knew to do at the time and made the best decisions I knew how to make.
I have no idea when I will get back up to Virginia to decorate again, but at least I know for now it looks beautiful. Hopefully next time I go Lily's headstone will be ready to be installed!
|Lily's spot with the mountains in the background|
|The lilies I left for my Lily, as well as the little lamb I took for her spot|
|I think it looks lovely, all decorated for spring. I love |
the pink and green. Isn't the butterfly so pretty? :)