A Springtime Visit

I took a spontaneous trip to Virginia last week from Thursday through Saturday, mainly to see my grandmother and of course to visit Lily's "special spot." I hadn't been there for half a year. Last I was there was around Thanksgiving time and I decorated for Christmas. Now Christmas, New Years, Lily's birthday and Mother's Day have all come and gone since last I visited. I really needed to be there...

The view from the Cemetery

My friend, Elise, decorates Lily's spot for me when I can't be there, which I am thankful for. But, that is not the same as going myself. With all my heart, I wish I lived closer to these sacred grounds. Not only do I love and miss Virginia because it is my hometown and my grandmother (and other family and friends) live there, but now that my daughter is buried there, a big piece of my heart will always remain in Virginia. The mountains are home to me. My soul quiets when I am surrounded by those gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains and the rolling Virginia hills. I can't explain how full of peace I feel when I am there...

I wish I could go to Lily's spot whenever I want or need to. I wish I could tidy it up and keep it always looking beautiful. I wish I could visit on each holiday and every other day when my heart is aching for my daughter. I wish I knew exactly how it looked and could make sure the flag isn't off the stand (like it was when I first got there), weeds aren't growing wildly, and things are perfect, for my girl and for any visitors she may have. I wish I could take flowers often, rather than just a couple times a year. I wish I didn't have to be in a cemetery to feel close to my child. I mean, I know Lily isn't really there and she is safe at Home with Jesus, but every mother loves her baby's tiny, precious body. I am no different...I am thankful that I live close enough to visit regularly.

I had a short time there on Thursday when we first arrived, but it was pouring so I couldn't stay long. Then, we were so busy on Friday since it was our only full day there, so I didn't even make it to the cemetery, which made me feel guilty. :( I woke up extra early on Saturday before we had to leave so I could have some alone time at her spot. I stopped on the way and picked up some pretty pink calla lilies for my Lily. It was a beautiful, chilly morning. There was a light drizzle, but not too much to keep me from decorating and pulling weeds (I really wish they better-maintained the grass there). The fog matched the heaviness in my heart. It took me a while to get everything just as I wanted it to be, and then I sat on the bench and listened to "Who You'd Be Today" a few times. Then, I read my Bible. It's nice to just sit there...to be still. I was soaking it up until the next time I can go again.

Sometimes, I wish Lily was buried here in Raleigh so I could visit her spot whenever I want. It would be better in the short-term, but I don't know about how I'd feel twenty years from now. I know I will always have ties to Virginia, but I don't know about North Carolina. I just have to remember I did the best I knew to do at the time and made the best decisions I knew how to make.

I have no idea when I will get back up to Virginia to decorate again, but at least I know for now it looks beautiful. Hopefully next time I go Lily's headstone will be ready to be installed!

Lily's spot with the mountains in the background

The lilies I left for my Lily, as well as the little lamb I took for her spot

Lily's spot and my grandparent's/aunt's memorial bench. If you are ever in
Virginia and want to stop for a visit, that would be so special. :) It is easy
to find her spot because it is a small cemetery (Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet,  VA)
and her spot is the most colorful! Can't you tell by this photo?

I think it looks lovely, all decorated for spring. I love
the pink and green. Isn't the butterfly so pretty? :)

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Already 19

Today, my little sister, Emmaline, turns 19. I can hardly believe that the baby of my family is embarking on her last year as a teenager. We had a special day celebrating her "Golden Birthday" - she turned 19 on May 19th...

But, there has been a sadness in my heart today. I never could have anticipated the thoughts and feelings I've been having. And I am realizing yet again that this life without Lily is full of many twists and turns of grief. Moments I never would have thought would be painful catch me off guard and bring my loss and deep feelings of missing my girl to the surface.

It may seem odd that my sister turning 19 would make me sad and start thinking of Lily....the best I can do is explain it like this...

I got pregnant with both Luke and Lily when I was 19. Now my "baby" sister is 19. I just feel like I am getting further and further away from my two sweet babes. How can I nearly be 24? Life has changed so much since then. I have changed so much. 

Moving away from the time when I was 19 means I am moving away from Luke and Lily. It means others will forget them more and more. Perhaps memories will fade. Things in life will continue to change. Change is really hard for me. And there are lots of big changes in my family right now. People will grow older, but my babies never will. They will remain frozen in time...in 2009 and 2010...when I was 19 and 20. The only two years where Luke and Lily ever lived or will live...

Life without them is a continuous journey of moments...both bitter and sweet. Moments of being thankful for the gift of their lives, but grieving the loss of their lives. Wishing they could be here for special occasions, such as birthdays and weddings. Wishing their "Auntie Em" had her niece and nephew here to love on...she would have been is such a wonderful Aunt.

I must cling to Jesus through these moments and every moment...that is the only way I can make it through.

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October Baby Movie Giveaway!

Have you seen or heard of the awesome Pro-Life film - October Baby? I saw it three times in theaters and now own it on DVD and still am not tired of it. It's one you definitely want in your collection. It shows the value of human LIFE, shows the healing one can have after an abortion, and stirs people to action. I love this movie so much that I'm going to give a copy of it away to one of you lovely people.  All you have to do to enter this contest is "like" my page and then comment here saying you did so. I will randomly choose a winner (from the facebook and blog entries) once I reach 300 facebook "likes!" Also, please share my page and help me spread the message of LIFE!

Here's the movie trailer:

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Mother's Day Name Event '13

I participated in the Mother's Day Name Event that Catherine from Gabriel's Garden hosted. 

This is what the project is for:

The purpose of this project is to support one another on Mother's Day, find healing and peace, remember our babies, and connect with other mamas in the babyloss community. We all love to see our babies' names written by others and hopefully find peace in sharing this simple comfort with others.

It is a project for people who have babies in Heaven. We each got a list of names of babies to write in a creative way and we also receive photos (I will share all the photos others make for me once I receive them all.)

I finished taking the photos and editing them just tonight (I really wanted to finish them to send out in time for Mother's Day!) It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do for the photos.

I decided to write each baby's name on petals on my pink gerber daisies I got from my mom for Mother's Day. It will be planted in my daughter Lily's Memorial Garden at my house. I wanted to share my flowers with you. :)

Today was a tough day for me, but it was truly very healing to do something for these babyloss mamas. It really helped me get through the day and felt like I was doing something for my babies, while at the same time doing something for other babies. It really brightened my spirits! So thank you mamas for allowing me to honor your babies. :)

I hope you like the photos, ladies! It was really difficult to write the names (I tried to write them somewhat neatly.) My hand wasn't very steady...but, I think/hope they turned out alright. 

I hope and pray you've had a gentle, peaceful, and beautiful Mother's Day...whether you celebrate with some or all your children in Heaven. Much love and hugs!

Thank you so much, Catherine, for hosting this!

Here all the photos I took:

My Lily and Luke

My Lily Katherine

My Luke Shiloh

For Vicki

For Kayla

For Naomi

For Catherine

For Jessica

For Gale

For Gale

For Angela

For Tracey

For Stacy

For Mandy

For Melissa

For Kyla

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On Supporting a Bereaved Mother on Mother's Day

An acquaintance of mine recently asked me how she can be there for her friend who has lost a baby on Mother's Day (what a great friend!) I want to share a few ideas for how people can be a support to bereaved mothers on Mother's Day, taken from my How Family and Friends Can Help When a Baby Dies post (you might like to refer to this post for more ideas.)

"Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back." ~Erma Bombeck

Perhaps the most important advice I can give is this: Acknowledge the bereaved mother as a mother and acknowledge her loss. Also, speak her child's name. He/she was a very real person! Show that you care about her baby's life.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, 

But it never fails to bring music to my ears. 

If you are really my friend, 

let me hear the music of her name! 

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!"

~Author Unknown~

*

"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

Another important piece of advice: Remember. Holidays and anniversaries will be very difficult without her baby. Make a point to remember these days. When you send a card for Mother's Day (whether she has more living children or not), mention her baby. "Remembering so and so today" is really all you need to say. I know Mother's Day is always very difficult for me, especially not having any other children on earth to celebrate the special day with me. Not many people remember that I am and will forever be a mother on Mother's Day. Send her an email, a card, or visit her and let her know she isn't the only one that remembers what that day is to her and will forever be to her. Lost for Words Card Line and Restoring Aching Arms are wonderful places to find cards for all occasions for babyloss parents (I linked specifically to view cards for Mother's Day.) I'm sure there are also Mother's Day cards that could be appropriate at Hallmark (if you look hard enough.)

Just be there for your friend or family member. There is no "formula" to follow. Honestly, just being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on goes a long, long way. I would be honest and tell her if you don't know exactly what to do or say, but that you are thinking of her and her baby and that you want her to know you remember she is a mother on Mother's Day and will be forever.

There are lots of special memorial gifts you could give. Instead of listing them myself here, for some ideas, read this post: 10 Gift Ideas for a Bereaved Mom on Mother's Day.

Here are a couple other wonderful posts I really recommend reading: What to Say to a Bereaved Mother on Mother's Day and Mother's Day Gifts to Comfort Grieving Mothers.

I hope this post has given some ideas on how to support a bereaved mother on Mother's Day. I also want to encourage people to reach out to mothers who are in all sorts of difficult/different circumstances which make Mother's Day hard for them. Pray and ask God how to reach out to them, either by sending them a card to let them know you are thinking of them, or whatever else it may be. Doing something is better than doing nothing...

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Concerning Mother's Day and Church

I've been having lots of thoughts swirling around in my head regarding Mother's Day and want to share...

I want to remind everyone that though Mother's Day may be a joyful day for most, it can also be a very painful day for others. It is a difficult day for those who have lost children to stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion, or any other loss at any age. It is a difficult day for those who have lost a child and are unable to have another at this point to fill their empty arms. It is a difficult day for those dealing with infertility. It is a difficult day for birthmothers who chose to place their child for adoption. It is a difficult day for women who deeply longed to be mothers and for one reason or another, never got to be. It is a difficult day for those who have had a failed adoption. It is a difficult day for a mother whose child is estranged from her. It is a difficult day for children who have lost their mothers. It is a difficult day for children who have broken relationships with their mother. It is a difficult day for mothers who have children who have turned their back on truth. It is a difficult day for mothers who now have an empty nest...

Because this day can be painful and bittersweet for so many, I think it's very important that we approach it with sensitivity. I pray we remember these women who are grieving and hurting on this day and reach out to them in love.

I know that it's a popular thing to have special services at Church on Mother's Day to honor mothers. I also know that a lot of pastors ask mothers to stand to recognize them...okay, can I just say this is awkward? What about the mother who has lost a child before they were born (despite the circumstances)? Most likely, not everyone would know about such a loss - so what is a mother to do? She is a mother just as much as an other mother, even if her child is in her heart, rather than her arms. She feels like she is dishonoring her child and herself as a mother if she doesn't stand. Yet, she knows she will get questioning stares from others if she does stand. She's not a mother, why is she standing? 

A lady I know who is post-abortive mentioned to me this past week that several years ago, she decided she was going to avoid going to Church on Mother's Day altogether because it is just too painful. Another woman who longed to get married and have children, but never did for one reason or another, also mentioned recently that she avoids Church on Mother's Day. 

I have been considering not going myself because of a couple reasons...not only is it uncomfortable when mothers are asked to stand and I don't know what to do (I am a single young woman, with two children. Both of which live in Heaven with Jesus, but I am still just as much a mother as anyone.) Mother's Day is already a really hard day for me. I am a mother, with no child on earth to celebrate the special day with me. It makes my heart ache tremendously. I have been feeling so drained just thinking about Mother's Day, realizing not many people will say anything to me or even acknowledge me as a mother. 

As if the day isn't hard enough already, I have discovered that many Churches think it's a good idea to have baby dedication services on Mother's Day. This sort of service can be difficult for me on any Sunday, but especially on Mother's Day - the day that highlights my losses. I know I am not alone in my thoughts on this. A couple years ago, I was visiting a friend in Tennessee and attended Church with her for Mother's Day. I had no idea that her Church was going to be having baby dedications that day and was already feeling really emotional, with it being only my second Mother's Day since losing my daughter just over a year before. Tears weren't far from the surface that morning as I sat down for the service. But, as soon as the babies and their moms and dads went up front, I lost it. I started crying (really hard, I might add) and had to excuse myself from the service. Thankfully, my dear friend came with me and we sat in the basement of the Church and had our own precious time of fellowship and remembering my girl. I can imagine such services would be hard not only for people who have lost babies, but those dealing with infertility, among other things. My Church will be having a service like this on Mother's Day and I have been struggling all week with whether or not I should go. I want to be there, but will it be too much? These babies need to be honored and celebrated, but why not have a day all their own, rather than joining up with Mother's Day?

The thing is, Mother's Day is not a Church holiday. It is a Hallmark holiday...and if we want to get technical here, most people don't realize that Mother's Day was started by a woman named Anna Jarvis who wanted to honor her mother who experienced the death of seven of her children! Somehow through the years, Mother's Day has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten! If we want to honor the true meaning of Mother's Day, why not use it as a day set-apart to honor those who have lost a child?

I want to mention that just because Mother's Day is difficult for someone doesn't mean they are not healed or coping well. No matter how many more children I may have in the future, Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me.

I am just sharing my heart here and hope to have not come across as too know-it-all or offensive to anyone. This is how I've felt/feel and how I've found many others feel as well. Mother's Day can be a special day to honor mothers, without excluding non-mothers and those who are mourning.

Please, please take the time to read this post: An open letter to pastors {a non mom speaks about Mother's Day} and this one: 10 ideas for pastors on Mother's Day. The writer offers beautiful words on this sensitive subject.

On this Mother's Day, I want to acknowledge, love, and support mothers of all kinds...those who hold some, if not all, their children in their hearts, rather than their arms, birthmothers who placed their child for adoption, foster-care mothers, spiritual mothers, adoptive mothers, single mothers, step-mothers, and expectant mothers (I apologize if I've left anyone out). I also want to acknowledge the women who never got to be mothers, though they longed to be.

This flower is for all mothers - traditional and non-traditional. 
Much love on this day!

I want to encourage people to reach out to mothers who are in all sorts of difficult/different circumstances which make Mother's Day hard for them. Pray and ask God how to reach out to them, either by sending them a card to let them know you are thinking of them, or whatever else it may be. Doing something is better than doing nothing...

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The Forsaken Found Painting

I got an email from a lady named Julie Courville who I assume read my story on LifeSiteNews and saw my email address listed in the article. She wrote me and sent me the link to see a beautiful and healing painting that her daughter, Amberose, did. It is called "The Forsaken Found" and is a piece of art in honor of unborn babies. Julie offered to mail me a professional print, signed by Amberose! I was so touched by her thoughtfulness, kindness, and generosity.

Amberose is a very talented artist and this painting is just gorgeous. It is amazing to see how God Himself gave her the vision for this painting. I know it will bless and touch many people - whether by healing someone whose had an abortion, or by opening eyes to the truth of what abortion really is and God's heart for these little ones. So amazing! It has touched my heart deeply.

The painting arrived a couple days ago, along with a car magnet of a patriotic painting Amberose did. I have a collage wall of paintings and photos in honor of Lily and Luke and this will go perfectly on that wall. :-) I wanted to share this with others, as I'm sure it will bless others as it has blessed me.

The painting is based off of Psalm 27:10 ~ "Though my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."

Thank you so much, Julie!

Watch this video to hear Amberose describe the painting - what it means, why she painted it, etc. 

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