My roomie put this inspirational quote up in our living room.
I've been thinking a lot about the truth in these words and how freeing and beautiful they are.
Don't we get it in our minds that we can *either* have hope *or* a broken heart? That the two are mutually exclusive?
When really the two can coexist side-by-side. The broken heart makes the hope for a miracle that much sweeter and when that miracle is fulfilled, that much more a thing of awe.
You can be broken-hearted over the baby you lost while at the same time hoping for the miracle of a rainbow baby.
You can be broken-hearted over being single and life not going the way you thought or dreamed it would while at the same time believing that God can change your circumstances and bring you a spouse.
It’s not either/or.
And like a seesaw going back and forth, sometimes your heart will feel more of the weight of hope or the weight of being broken-hearted. But that doesn’t mean the other doesn’t still exist and won’t again reign.
There are lessons to be learned in sorrow and in hope, and sometimes the lessons are found when both occupy the same soul simultaneously.
You, yes you, the one with the broken heart... you can believe things will change and your miracle will come, fully trusting God holds and ordains your life, while still feeling the ache in your heart. You don’t have to choose. ❤️
I recently came across this quote by Jane Austen that astutely captures where my heart is now... "I am half agony, half hope."
On January 1st, I moved to Virginia for a ministry job that I love. It's an answer to prayer and such a JOY to be doing what I'm passionate about and feel called to.
Exploring my new area is fun. God has awakened this adventurous spirit within me, something that has always been there but in many ways lay dormant because of loss. I am grabbing hold of my life as a single woman. I recognize that there are MANY perks to the single life. I'm able to move to another state for a job. I'm able to move in with a girlfriend. I'm able to go to the ski resort with friends because I feel like it, or to a UVA college basketball game, or hiking, or to the coffee shop to enjoy a dirty chai (which I've been super into lately, by the way) for hours with a book or my laptop. I am able to try new churches and spontaneously grab dinner with a friend on a weeknight without prior planning. I am able to dream of short trips overseas to visit friends or potential long-term trips to work and live. I am incredibly thankful that the Lord has given me passion and purpose in my singleness and that I am able to appreciate the gift it is and the independence and freedom I have.
But let me just say that I am at the point in my life that I feel soooo ready and eager for the inconveniences and changes that come with being a wife and mama to littles (on Earth).
I appreciate while I ache.
Half agony, half hope.
Agony for the life I long for, hope because of where I am and for where I hope to one day be. Agony because I can't see what God is doing, hope because I know He is still moving even when I cannot see.
On a day where I am smiling most of the day, thanking the Lord for all the big and small ways I see Him in the intricate details, going before me and preparing the way... at the end of that same day of hope and joy and life, I lay awake in my bed and tears come. Tears not because I am displeased or discontent with my life. But tears because this is not the life that I thought would be. Tears for the life that I long for with every ounce of my heart and soul.
I can feel guilty for even wanting that life. Like it's somehow wrong. After all, for some reason God has chosen to withhold these things from me. Would it be the more godly thing to not desire? I wish many times that I could be completely focused on Eternity that things of this world, even good and beautiful things, didn't phase or attract me.
But I can't pretend that there isn't a part of my heart that feels like it's meant to be a mommy. I can't pretend that a part of my heart doesn't long to wear the white gown and pledge my love to one man for the rest of my days. I know that God alone truly satisfies, but I also know He cannot be those things to me and as much as He fulfills, those parts of my heart are empty and desolate without the children and husband I have never met and may not ever even be real.
I can't pretend I don't feel like the only one waiting for all the things I'm waiting for... a man, a home to call my own, babies to raise... I can't pretend I don't resent when people who are single say they understand my yearning for a family when really how could they if their empty arms shouldn't already be filled like mine should be? 8 loooooong years. My heart thorbbing when everyone else gets their happy ending after not waiting nearly as long as me. When people have rainbows and I'm still in the dark, walking alone, even without the comfort and solace that comes from having a spouse.
I can't pretend that I don't resent that I resent these things.
Even with all the agony, there is hope. Hope because I know one day all the agony will wash away, whether my waiting ends in this life or not. And hope because I know that my God is still good and I will continue screaming it into the dark night of my soul. Hope because as John Piper wrote, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life and you may be aware of three of them." I know that in the agony, He is working.
So... Valentine's Day is just around the corner and let's be honest, for singles it can be a day that makes you all 😩 ... The hearts, the cards, and the sappy romance in the air can be a huge (pink and red) reminder that you are oh so alone.
What if instead of sulking on this day, and instead of begrudgingly referring to it as "single's awareness day," what if we took it as an opportunity to encourage the single girlfriends in our lives? What if we sent cards (or flowers 💐 or chocolates 🍫 ) to these friends (who likely otherwise won't receive anything), reminding them of God's love, sovereignty, and goodness... cards that encourage them to not grow weary, to trust that God is in control and not to settle. 💌
What if instead of sitting at home drowning our feelings in a gallon of ice-cream 🍦 on the couch, we went out with some of our single girlfriends? Not as a protest of Valentine's Day, but as a way to get out and enjoy life and have some fun... go get your nails done, get dressed up (always a good idea) 👗 👛 👠 and go out to a classy restaurant. Go on an adventure, however that might look.
Just don't let resentment and bitterness take root. Do what ya gotta do to combat it and fight for joy and trust. And to remember that you aren't the only one who struggles. Maybe we can come alongside our single sisters and help them learn to be content in Christ as we do. Even show love to the widows you know, spoil the kiddos you know, your mom, etc. Turn outward instead of inward. ❤️ 💗
Do you have any ideas or thoughts to add?
I'm excited to be sharing another guest post today! This is someone I've been wanting to get on the blog for a while. :) A few nights ago, I was listening to a CD that has an instrumental piano song on it that I've wanted to play at my wedding since I was probably 15. I haven't heard this song in years. When I listened to it the other night, it brought back memories of that time and even my thoughts and perspective then. I thought about how easy it is when you're that age to dream of marriage and motherhood, like it'll "just happen" in the desired timeframe. And how at that age, you hear of all these God-written love stories, stories that are beautiful, but yet they can create this false sense of expectancy... this belief that if I surrender this area of my life to God, if I honor Him in the area of love and romance, then surely He will bless me... surely that blessing will equate to marriage and a prince who comes in and sweeps me off my feet. But as the years pass by and you remain single, when life doesn't happen the way you'd expect and you don't get married by "23 at the latest," then it can feel complicated and confusing. It can leave you disillusioned and hurt by God. Did you miss the mark? It's not as easy to dream. My dear Aussie friend, Karen, has been a huge blessing and encouragement to me walking through our lives as single Christian women together. We have shared our struggles and our victories. She displays such gentleness and humility, such honesty and grace. I have felt like I can open up my own heart to her, because in many ways it has reflected her heart as well. She has graciously agreed to share some of the things she has learned along her path of singleness. I asked her what she would say to that 15-year-old who, like Karen and I at that age, desires nothing but marriage and motherhood, who are big dreamers and full of expectancy for life to line up a certain way... who hear love stories and are romantics at heart. Yes, those stories have their place, but so do stories of women who have a longer season of singleness, whether that season will one day end or not. Jesus is the greatest prize, and I hope teens will grasp that truth, even when life doesn't go according to our plans and desires. I pray Karen's words are a blessing to those teens, and to those still walking this road of singleness. Stay tuned to the end for a special something. ;)
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A letter from an almost 30-year-old single woman, to a 15-year-old desiring nothing but marriage and motherhood….
I never thought I would be that person… the almost 30-year-old woman who desired nothing but marriage and motherhood, who trusted in God and boasted that He is able to bring me and my husband together and who prayed and believed and prayed some more….yep, that one…that woman who is still… so… very… single….I never thought that would be me…
But it is….
That is my reality….and it could be yours.
I’ve learnt so many things over the last 15 years on this journey of singleness and seeking to understand God more through it all, invaluable lessons which I wouldn’t trade, not even for marriage and motherhood. And so, I want to share these things with you. It took me a long time to learn these things (and I’m still learning), but perhaps these lessons will help you in realizing that whether single or married, living with Jesus and for Jesus is worth it. Let me encourage you, not to wait and pray and hope that one day your prince will come, (that’s not my intention because as my life proves, that may not happen), but I want to encourage you to yearn for something more, something better, that you would desire Jesus and His glory above all temporary pleasures.
So here they are young one, lessons I have learnt and am still learning on this journey of singleness. 1.) Marriage and motherhood is not all there is and it certainly is not the goal of this life or the life to come….Marriage and motherhood are good but there is something better….and that is Jesus…knowing Him and making Him known and proving to the world that He alone is the best most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience….Is this just the consolation prize for a spinster-in-the-making? (which I admit I have thought in times past). If so, then your view of Jesus is too small…to think that marriage and motherhood is the epitome of life and that your life would be unbearable otherwise (also what I have thought in times past), then you really don’t understand how truly amazing the Gospel is or the God we serve. This life is not all there is...there is an eternity we are living for, an eternity where we do not get married and are not given in marriage (Matthew 22:30)….And in light of eternity, this life we have is only a speck of sand compared to an endless beach of joy and pleasure in the presence of the True Lover of our souls. 2.) Don't plan your life around marriage, making decisions based on ‘what if’ and putting things on hold until ‘that day’...When I finished school all I wanted to do was get married and have kids, I was in no way career minded (and I’m still not) so I had no idea what I was to do, so I just thought I would occupy until that happened…”well I’ll do this so when I’m married”…or “I’ll pursue this so when I have kids….” That is not the way to go about making decisions…Marriage and motherhood are good and it is good to think about such things, but to build your life around a reality that may not actually become a reality, you are going to come to a point where you will become very disappointed and disillusioned with life and with God. When you make decisions only one thing should occupy your thoughts…”How can God be glorified in this situation?”. Live life fully now as if your life’s blood is meant to be spent, don't “preserve” it until marriage, pour it out now. 3.) Marriage is not a rewardand singleness is not punishment. So don't think that if you dress modestly, walk in purity, read your Bible and pray you will somehow be good enough for marriage or more deserving of it than others. You probably ‘know’ this but that won’t stop such thoughts from creeping in and convincing you that God is withholding something from you that you “deserve”…Dressing modestly, reading your Bible and praying are all good things, but do those things because of your love for God alone, not because you are trying to convince Him that you are worthy of marriage. 4.) God is not concerned with your happiness as much as He is concerned with your holiness...Life is not about your happiness…The world in all its forms will tell us otherwise but we know that a life in pursuit of our own happiness will lead us down a destructive path…We need a higher calling than satisfying our emotional state and that’s pursuing God’s glory and furthering His Kingdom. And when you do pursue this path you will realize that holiness is happiness. 5.) “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)....I have clung to this verse so tightly over many, many years, and I have also held this verse out of context. Delight in God = I get marriage and motherhood...When you truly delight in God you don’t have any conditions for Him to meet, you simply delight in all that He is, not what He can give you…And when you truly delight in all that He is you will notice your truest heart’s desires changing to desire Him...yes, you still desire marriage and motherhood (as I still do), but you desire Him more...trusting that if such things will bring you deeper into Him then He will make that happen. Stop clinging to this verse as a means of getting what you want…Delight in Him truly and He will give you Himself as your heart’s truest desires. 6.) “For He satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness (Ps.107:9)” “Thou wilt show me the path of life. In thy presence is fullness of joy and at thy right hand are pleasures forevermore (Ps16:11)”. Married or single, only He can satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. Do not accept that He cannot satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. He created you so He knows and understands you better than you do. If He says that only He can satisfy the longing soul, then believe it. He’s not in the business of lying. 7.) Questions you will ask yourself at some stage “Did I miss the mark?”, “Should I have put myself out there more?”, “Should I wear clothes a little bit more closer fitting to catch a guy’s attention?”...The God of the universe who brought all things into being is capable of bringing two people together....if you are to marry then He will make it happen. Your anxiety comes from your doubt in God and His sovereignty. 8.) Marriage and motherhood is good, therefore God will give me these things because He is good and He delights in giving good gifts to His children…God is good, marriage and motherhood is good, God delights in giving good gifts to His children…All very true…But like I said before, there is something better than marriage and motherhood, and that is truly knowing and loving Jesus…God is so good that He won’t allow your heart to become captivated by something other than Himself, which is the greatest good thing we could ever have. God orchestrates our lives so that we have the greatest opportunity to know Him more intimately, and if that means remaining single, wouldn’t you want that? But perhaps you think, “If He is able to orchestrate all this can’t He orchestrate my life to include marriage and motherhood as a means of knowing Him more intimately as He has obviously done in the lives of others?” ….Perhaps He could, perhaps He will one day, but if you are truly desirous of His glory and seeing others see that He is of unmeasurable worth, then whether He does or He doesn’t isn’t a question you ask anymore. 9.) Stop focusing on your “misfortunes” of singleness and turn outward...there are many people who are suffering and do not have the hope that we have...Yep, it's hard when you have unfulfilled longings...But this life is short and there are those who will spend their forever in a Christ-less eternity....get a bigger picture than your own little world. Ask God to give you a Godly ambition and an eternal perspective. 10.) Some days you just need to cry...It is hard living with unfulfilled longings and a fading dream, especially when others around you seem to be having all theirs fulfilled. In these dark moments, and you will have dark moments, keep bringing them to God, tell Him honestly what you are feeling and keep preaching Truth to yourself. Ask God to prove that He is the best most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience, and keep trusting Him and His goodness. 11.) Why would God give me such desires if He doesn’t intend to fulfill them? Nothing has brought me more frequently or more passionately before God than my desire for marriage and motherhood….perhaps these desires are a mercy in order to bring us to God and to help us realize that our love for Him has been so very shallow. It’s easy to say how great God is and how much you love Him when you have everything you want. Throw in those unanswered prayers, intense longings, and your friends getting what you want and you will see just how little you loved your Lord. You don’t realize that He is all you need until He is all you have.
So there you go, lessons from an almost 30-year-old who has longed for marriage and motherhood since forever and who is still waiting. I still have hope, but it is not in marriage and motherhood, as it has been for so many years, my hope is in the total and utter goodness of God and how He will not allow my heart to be captivated by something as temporary as marriage and motherhood. He wants my heart to be captivated by the source of True Joys, and I am so thankful that He has not allowed me to become a wife and mother yet. My love and desire for the Lord has grown exponentially through all of this and in the end (which is only the beginning) when you stand before Christ, the sorrow of unfulfilled longings and dashed dreams won't even compare to the immense joy and pleasure you will have for all eternity in the presence of the true Lover of your soul.
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I thought I'd throw in a little something silly that shows a bit of Karen and my friendship. We met at Ellerslie in the Fall of 2011, where we wrote a song about our friendship. Here is a video with a performance of that smash hit, "When Worlds Collide." ;) ~You can read more posts I've shared on singleness by clicking here.
A close friend of mine recently wrote in an email in which we were discussing life as single Christian women in our upper 20s, "I will gladly take what He gives and what He withholds."
Shouldn't this be the posture of our hearts as Christians in general? And specifically referring to single Christians... are we walking in surrender, accepting with gladness what He gives and what He doesn't give? Or do we pout and kick and scream the whole way, begging for something different than what He in His sovereign wisdom has ordained?
We hear how the Lord is involved in the small details of other's lives and love stories, yet somehow we get this idea in our heads that our circumstances are unique, that they are somehow beyond His control. Like He isn't involved... is detached... is unconcerned with our relationship status. Singleness Displays the Gospel
How can we seriously believe the lie that the God who created marriage and the two genders is unconcerned with our love lives? Marriage demonstrates to the world the beauty of the Gospel. As Christians, we know it is a reflection of the covenant between Christ and His church. We understand this and that's why we yearn for a spouse and know that it's an honorable thing to desire.
But do you want to know what else demonstrates to the world the beauty of Christ? Something we don't talk about as much, but is as much of a gift as marriage... Singleness.
We are not "less-thans" in the body of Christ as singles. We uniquely display the bride, the church, waiting on her groom, Christ! We may not currently have the blessing of demonstrating to the world the Gospel reflected in a marriage covenant, but we can show the world what it looks like to wait in hopeful expectation and aching for Christ's return. I know the yearning I feel for an Earthly husband, and God has used this to teach me how much more I should yearn for Him.
Daring to Desire
I know I personally can feel guilty that I still long for marriage when I am reminded by married people that I need to simply be content. We should be content in our singleness, yes, but contentment does not equal lack of desire.
Perhaps deep down we are afraid to desire because we are afraid of being disappointed with God, we are afraid that He isn't really good and that's why He is holding out on us. I didn't even realize I believed this lie until I read a post Marian Ellis shared on her blog about her journey of desire. She wrote:
Somehow, in my journey with Jesus, I bought into this religious notion that I would be considered more "spiritual, godly, or holy" if I pretended that I was content, and I didn't long for anything but Jesus....
I was pretending out of fear. Fear, that I would be disappointed if I allowed myself to hope. Fear, that God wouldn't come through for me. But beyond that, fear that Satan was right and that God was not really good after all. All the squelching of desire, while on the surface made me feel spiritual and godly, was actually my heart believing Satan's oldest lie.
How could I truly love the Lord if I did not trust Him with the deepest longings of my heart? How could I claim to walk by faith if I didn't hope for things that only the Lord could provide? How could I experience God's highest and best if I didn't risk believing Him?
The Lord allowed me to see that burying my true heart's desire was an act of unbelief. It was taking my heart, hiding it, and telling myself and others that I refuse to long for more because I don't believe there is a loving Heavenly Father who is willing or able to change my situation.
It can seem more godly to not desire, when really not desiring may actually point to fear and disbelief. We can be fully content in Christ and accepting what He has both given and withheld, while simultaneously desiring marriage and laying out our hearts before the Lord. Desire is not a burden to be rid of, though honestly that is what it feels at times.
The ache and pain of singleness that we feel is not a sin. Bitterness and resentment of course could potentially take root and the desire could become an idol and obsession, but the ache and desire in and of themselves are not sinful.
Waiting with Purpose
The Lord may not take the desire away from us, even if we are to remain single, but He uses suffering and unfulfilled longings to draw us closer to Himself. He doesn't just allow us to have an unmet desire to be cruel. He's not up there laughing or pulling a prank on us.
The waiting is not without purpose. If we are to one day be married, the wait can serve to make us a better spouse-in-the-making. Waiting somehow gives us the ability to love our husband/wife more, deeper, fuller, truer. Waiting is meant to be active. We should be expecting God to move and expecting Him to draw our hearts closer to Himself in the wait. So even if the fruit of our waiting and faith doesn't result in a spouse, it will still result in making us more like Christ, which is ultimately what matters most.
He Withholds No Good Thing
I have to remind myself every single day that the Lord withholds no good thing from me. We need to preach the Gospel to ourselves and soak in this truth.
"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." ~Psalm 84:11
It might feel like different circumstances would be a better thing, but we must cling to the truth that the God who created marriage and the entire world is perfectly capable of changing everything in a heartbeat if He so chooses. If He doesn't change things, it's for our good and His glory.
As Charles Spurgeon encouraged us to remember, "Had any other circumstance been better for you than the one in which you presently find yourself, divine love would surely have put you there."
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the Heavens are higher than the Earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9
An Eternal Perspective
Not feeling at home in this world reminds us that this world is in fact not our home. There will not be human marriage in Heaven. The picture will give way to the reality, and we will all find our perfect fulfillment in Christ.
May we be the kind of Christians who leave it all on the altar, not being fearful of desire, yet also not demanding or expecting the object of our desire. May our desire for marriage instill in us a deeper desire for Jesus.
~You can read more posts I've shared on singleness by clicking here.
Mothering my Lily-girl looks like tidying her grave and getting new decorations for each holiday and fresh season. It looks like sharing her story at banquets and churches. It looks like creating things, like scrapbooks and a garden. It looks like purchasing or being gifted things that are reminders of her. It looks like candlelight ceremonies, butterfly releases, and remembrance walks. It looks like her name in the sand all over the world from friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers. It looks like projects and remembering other babies in her honor. It looks like putting together comfort boxes, attending funerals for babies, editing photos for parents who've lost their babies, emailing, texting, and talking on the phone with other mamas missing their babies.
I find purpose and healing and joy in all these things. I find connection with Lily and feel Jesus smiling as I learn to comfort others with the comfort I have received. I find honor in being called to treasure life and speak about the sanctity of life in all these ways. And more than anything, I love Lily and most especially Jesus in all these things. I never want to stop... but honestly my heart feels a little weary some days more than others.
After all these years, I'm usually rather content with my "relationship" with Lily now and the ways I mother her. But some days, like today, my heart longs to mother more than a grave and legacy.
7+ years feels like it should have been enough time for God to teach me whatever it is I need to learn in order to be "ready" for marriage and more babies I get to bring home from the hospital. It's hard to hear of others getting married and having children and rainbow babies who are much younger than me and have not waited as I have. It's difficult to not compare and doubt, to not feel like there's something especially wrong with me that is taking God longer to work on than others. This is such a warped way of thinking. We.... I... must reframe my thoughts and heart and realize that we are given good gifts not because of some merit or worthiness or our own, and these gifts are not withheld because of some lack of our own.
There isn't a "destination" that I am failing to arrive at in order for God to finally give me these things. I am not lacking. I am not failing. These are all gifts, freely given by the good gift-giver.
Don't these lies creep into our hearts and penetrate our thoughts so sneakily? We must be on guard and continue holding our all out to Jesus with open hands and a surrendered heart, full of trust. We cannot see and understand everything He is doing and the "why" behind it. There's no way we can figure Him out. He is good even when He isn't doing what I would define as good. He knows what He's doing even when I think His glory would be best displayed by writing my story a certain way, a different way.
I can continue living a full and purposeful life, even if it is not like anything I would have chosen. Even if i never mother another child here on Earth, my child waits for me in the Kingdom of Heaven, and that is more than I could ever deserve.
I am reminded of something I shared about a year ago... re-reading it is a blessing and encouragement to my heart, so I want to share it again...
At just the right time, the Lord brought me across a video testimony that has encouraged me, built up my faith, and left me in a puddle of hopeful tears. Watch the video below (email subscribers click here). I'll share my thoughts below the video.
Although our stories are different, many of the things they shared in the video are things I can relate to and feelings I'm wrestling with. Their story ministered directly to my heart.
The gist of the story is this couple grows up together, even living across the pasture from each other part of their childhoods. The husband is older than the wife, so as they are growing up, he thought she was a squirt and she always thought to herself that one day she'd want to marry someone like him. Little did she know, one day the Lord would bring them together as husband and wife.
When he was 12 years old, God gave him a vision of a little girl with dark skin and eyes. He showed him that this was going to be his daughter and her name would be Chloe. He kept this tucked away in his heart for years. He had assumed that he'd marry someone with a dark complexion.
One day they are sharing their hopes and dreams with one another and she tells him that she already has a name picked out for a hoped-for daughter... Chloe.
When they were married, they decided they were ready to have children. Only, they couldn't conceive for 4 1/2 years, which was understandably extremely painful for them. She put into words something that I too am feeling right now, but didn't even realize it until I heard her speak the words. She said as they were longing for a baby and not getting pregnant, she struggled with questioning God's goodness because she felt like it was such a mean thing to do, for God to withhold children. She wondered if God is good even when He's not doing things that she would define as good? I am not dealing with infertility, but I am weary from all these years of missing Lily and all these years of praying for a godly husband and the circumstances where I am able to have another baby. I must confess that it feels like God is being mean to me and treating me differently than His other children. He took my daughter away from me and is leaving me isolated and lonely. In my mind, it seems that His goodness would be displayed by writing a story of redemption, in bringing me together with a husband and having children to raise in the ways of the Lord.
They were talking about their hopes and dreams for the future and she said she felt like God made her to be a mother, that was her dream... They prayed that God would take the desire away if they weren't meant to be parents, but instead it seemed to only grow stronger. That is my dream too and I wonder, why won't God take this dream away if I am not meant to mother a child on Earth? The ache and longing almost feels too much to bear at times.
All their friends were having kids and she "had to just wait and put on this cheesy, fake smile and say we're happy for you." Each time they'd hear of someone getting pregnant, they would be devastated and think they were "fools who want kids and it's never going to happen." Oh man, can I relate to this. Literally day in and day out, I am surrounded by so many people getting into relationships, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, having babies, having more babies... and I feel like I have to put on this cheesy smile and say I am happy for them. Now don't get me wrong, I truly am happy for those who have these gifts. But it hurts so badly wondering why God won't give me these good gifts too. Am I a fool who thinks I'll have a family of my own one day? Each time I see another person close to a decade younger than me in a relationship or someone who announces they are pregnant with their "rainbow" (a baby born after a loss) though I am many years further out from losing Lily, I can't describe the ache. I literally have to "unfollow" people because it just is a bitter reminder of what I am missing out on each time I see their photos and updates.
The Lord led them to pursue adoption (though the father was adamantly against it at first) and they got an email that a birth mother had chosen them to adopt her baby. Get this, the little girl was due in March 2010, when Lily was due and born. They went to meet the birth mother and she shared that before she even knew the gender, she had been calling the baby... Chloe. God had given that name to all three of them. It is precious to see the actual video footage documenting that time in their lives. Hearing this reminds me of how the Lord spoke so clearly to my heart very early in my pregnancy that my baby was a girl and her name was Lily. He so evidently knows our babies by name and has a plan and purpose for their lives.
She shared during their years of infertility and longing for a baby that God shifted her perspective and she realized she could live a full and happy life and be satisfied in the deepest way a human can be satisfied, even without having a child. I am praying that the Lord will give me the peace and contentment in knowing that I too can be fully satisfied and live a beautiful life, even if I never get married or have another baby. It's a painful possibility to even consider, but I know that it's true that my fulfillment comes in Christ alone.
These are some things spoken in the video that deeply touched my heart... After the Lord led them to adopt Chloe: "This surreal presence of God was all around us and I felt Him saying to me, 'see how much I love you? Do you see this, do you see what I've done? I've been writing this story. You had no idea. I've been writing this story for years, since Walt was a kid, I've been writing it.' I realized how foolish I was, how my perspective was so skewed in my own pain that what I saw as Him not loving me was in fact Him being the most loving He could have been.... It was like He was whispering to me in that moment, 'I've been here this whole time. You didn't know, but I've been here this whole time. I've been walking this thing with you and I was just saying, 'trust Me, trust Me, trust Me.' I've got something good up ahead."
"It's a constant struggle to just sit in His sovereignty and when everything is falling apart in your mind, just to wait.... He doesn't leave anything to chance. It's not random."
"I think God is just incredible. I think it's incredible the way He flung the stars into space and that same God, the same God who keeps the world from falling apart, He loves me, with or without us ever having a child. That's what He's taught me through this. He loves me and I can be so secure in that love. To be able to trust that and rest in that is the greatest gift."
Their words and story are a reminder to trust my Father's plan for my life. He walks with me. He is writing my story, even when I don't see Him doing so. My perspective is skewed by my pain, but I know He is still there. He is asking me to trust Him. I am to wait. Every small detail is in His hands. As the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20." I believe one day I will look back and clearly see God's fingerprint on each season of my life, in everything.
This Scripture has been resounding in my heart and mind lately, like the Lord just keeps planting it there, showing me that I can trust Him...
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9
It is comforting to meditate upon this truth, that my God knows what He is doing. I can only see my immediate circumstances and concerns, but He sees the entire picture, my entire life. Even though I don't always understand what He's doing or why, I know I can trust Him. He is in absolute control over everything that touches my life.
Please pray for me at this time, that I will keep turning to the Lord and not give into listening to the doubts and discouragement that the enemy keeps whispering in my ear.
The circumstances of this weekend are threatening pain and discontentment to grip my heart.
Today, it was a bridal shower for a young woman who is several years younger than me.
And tomorrow is Mother's Day.
It's days like these that are a glaring reminder that I am alone. That I don't have a man to gently wrap his arm around me. That I don't have a child in my arms. That I do have a precious baby, but she isn't here. That I don't even have a man to give me flowers for Mother's Day or a card, in place of my child who can't.
I am alone. At least that is how it feels. And I don't understand why God sees fit to keep me in this place and not change things when He could.
This year is especially hard because it seemed like He was writing a beautiful story and now it has all unraveled. I don't understand. And perhaps I'll never have answers.
But what I have been challenged to do is cling... throughout the pain, the doubts, the confusion, the unanswered questions... I will cling to my Jesus and trust His heart. I will thank Him for being my soul's Husband. I will thank Him that I have a precious daughter who waits for me. I will count it all joy even when it doesn't feel like there is much to be joyful over in these areas. He will never leave or forsake me. In Him, I have all things, even if I have nothing else I desire most.
"By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me. A prayer to the God of my life." -Psalm 42:8
His song is with us, even through the darkest, longest and loneliest nights.
This February, I finally got around to doing something I've been wanting to do for years (I hope to make it an annual thing).
Those who are single know that Valentine's Day can be a reminder of the painful aspects of singleness, so I wanted to send some Valentine cads to some of my dear single sistahs who are in their late 20s and early 30s so 1) they'd have something tangible when they won't be receiving any flowers, gifts, or jewelry and 2) to be reminded of how much God loves them and how they are honoring Him in waiting and trusting His will is best. 💌📬 We all need some encouragement in life, don't we? Especially from others who "get it" and let us know we aren't alone. Each of us have those in our lives we can reach out to with the love of Christ, if only we're willing to look and be open. If you're in a prolonged unwanted season of singleness, this is for you too. God can be trusted. It's not an accident that you are single. You aren't alone. 💕❤️💕 "Valentine's Day is not single awareness day. It's "I refused to settle awareness day and I trust God." The end." 👊🏼🔥 -Heather Lindsey "Give thanks to the God of Heaven, for His steadfast love endures forever." -Psalm 136:26 #sacredsingleness #Godislove
For the single ladies - here are some articles that I think you'll find encouraging too:
Last night, I celebrated my friend Ellen's sweet son Riley's 2nd birthday in Heaven at Buffalo Brothers! Her friends and family were so warm and welcoming and I thoroughly enjoyed the evening. You are loved and missed, baby boy! I'm thankful I could be there for such a special occasion. His actual birthday is on Thanksgiving this year. Riley is Ellen's only child and as I've written about many times before, there is a unique grief that comes when you lose your only child. Please pray for her... that the Lord would comfort her heart and would give her the blessing of having another child to call her own and bring home one day soon.
And it got me thinking... I am single and therefore, my schedule is a lot more flexible to do things like this. If I were married, perhaps I'd need to be home with my husband, making dinner, caring for kiddos, and doing the wife/mom thing. That is of course what I long for and desire, but I want to fully embrace my singleness for the gift that it is. I have the freedom to go out on a Monday night to honor the baby of a friend of mine. I have the freedom to stay for hours talking with her about our little ones and just being there for her. That, my friends, is a gift that I don't want to take for granted. ❤️🎉🎈
Ellen and me at the celebration
The adorable cake for Riley! It was delicious too :)
Gifts for Riley's mommy
There was a little 5-year-old girl at the celebration who was playing and said the salt and pepper on the table were getting married. When asked what the salt's name was, she pointed at me. Then, she said the pepper is named Brandon. I said maybe it's a sign I need to be looking out for a Brandon. haha 😂
A couple days ago, I reposted my blog entitled "Romance and Relationships," in which I share about waiting upon the Lord to send me a husband and surrendering my future and hope of marriage and more children to Him.
I received a comment on that post that I decided I'd write about, as I know there are other people who also wonder about this, both those in my personal life and those who only know me through "blogland."
This is the comment:
"But Hannah, do you meet any men at all, except for your brothers? I don't mean dating, but just being part of groups that are not all-female. If so, very little of it is seen in your blog. Obviously this is your private life, not necessarily blog material - but I do not see how God can send you a man unless you go places where you may meet one."
I trust that this comment came from a place of genuine care and concern, and it is why I'm responding. I want to explain my heart in this and hopefully help others respect where I'm coming from, even if they don't fully understand.
Firstly, as this person stated herself, I share only a part of my life on my blog. I think it becomes easy to assume that we know all of what makes up who someone is and what their world consists of, based upon what they present online. I have passions, interests, dreams, and activities that I don't share here.
Secondly, yes, I do indeed meet men who are "not my brothers." I've been around young men that are "potential husband material," in many different settings. I have been interested and have thought that my interest was reciprocated. But, I can't force anyone to pursue. And I believe that as Christians, we are to demonstrate a different pattern in relationships than the world, a pattern that proclaims our trust in the Lord. I believe it is up to the man to lead. That doesn't mean that a woman can't show a spark of interest and act warm and friendly... in fact, I think we as women shouldn't act cold and aloof. We don't need to hide away from guys and act afraid of them. We can act ourselves and get to know them in a non-threatening way. We also shouldn't act flirty and try to get them to notice us. Ultimately, it is not up to me what a guy does. The guys who have shown interest in me are not men who I'd consider marrying because they don't love Jesus.
I pray and ask the Lord to close the doors entirely if a certain man is not the one He has for me. As I shared before, I have prayed that God would only allow one man to pursue me - the man I'm meant to marry. Just because a woman is single in her upper 20s, 30s, and up, doesn't mean she is doing something wrong. I think people (even Christians) all to easily judge and assume that there must be something the woman is doing or not doing that has lead her to remain without a ring on her finger... Could it possibly be that it's not in God's timing? Could He possibly be answering her prayer and protecting her from heartache or rejection?
I am constantly asking the Lord if I'm missing something, if I need to go somewhere different, or do something different to meet my husband. That can be a heavy weight of burden for a single person to carry, to feel like it's up to us to "make it happen." I know that my heart is in a place of surrender and I have asked God to lead and direct my path and every aspect of my life, therefore it is in His hands.
I love, love, love and am deeply encouraged by this quote I recently shared about this very thing:
"One of the biggest struggles we face as Christian singles is wondering whether we've messed up God's plan for our lives. It seems we don't fit into the prescribed pattern for the Christian life, so perhaps we took a wrong turn somewhere - went to the wrong school, took the wrong job, turned someone down for a date when we should have said yes.
The Bible is completely absent of an admonitions to worry about missing God's will. We are instructed to follow Him, but we're never asked to fret about it.
To the contrary, we're presented with a picture of a God who's quite able to move us from place to place if we're not where we ought to be, whether by natural means (as He did calling Mary and Joseph back to Bethlehem for the royal census) or by supernatural means (as He did with Philip when He supernaturally transported him after his meeting with the Ethiopian eunuch).
If you're following God and obeying Him, you have no need to worry about whether you've missed His will for your life." -Lori Smith
There are testimonies of men and women who have trusted the Lord in this area and these stories I carry in my heart and find great encouragement in them. I know I am not alone. One such story is of a woman named Krissy who longed to be married all her life. This is how Leslie Ludy, Krissy's sister-in-law, described part of her story:
"As her twenties passed and she embarked upon her thirties, people began to pressure her to try to snag a guy while she still could.
"You should move to a big city where there are more available men," some suggested. "Why don't you start trying a little harder to get guys' attention?" others urged.
It was tempting to listen to these well-meaning words. She wasn't getting any younger, and she longed for an earthly love story. Most of the godly men she met were already married. What if she never met anyone? What if she never got married?
But the gentle words of her Lord resonated through her soul, "Am I enough?"
Even if He never brought a man into her life, Krissy resolved to remain fully set-apart for Him. Jesus Christ, not the hope of an earthly romance, was the focus of her existence and the source of her fulfillment. Even without an earthly love story, her Heavenly Prince was more than enough. She wasn't living for guys. She wasn't living for an earthly romance. She was living for Him."
Krissy trusted the Lord. She trusted that He was guiding her, she trusted the place where He had her living, she trusted that He was capable of bringing a man into her life in His perfect time and way, and she trusted that He was enough for her. One day, a young man went to a Bible study that Krissy was teaching and was captivated by her beautiful heart for the Lord. It was then that a love story that could only have been scripted by Jesus began. Krissy's story brings me hope.
"Obedience isn't based on a certain future; obedience is based on our certain God." -Whitney Capps
One of my favorite books about trusting the Lord with one's love story is "Quest for Love" by Elisabeth Elliot (cheesy title, amazing book lol). This is a quote from that book that is applicable here:
"My advice to singles who want to marry is: hang on. Don't despair of God's resources, so infinitely greater than ours. Don't limit His capacity to bring a mate out of nowhere, when the pool of candidates seems small and hopeless. Don't chafe at Scripture's stress on waiting to know God's will in the matter. He has a will for you, whether you follow it or not."
God is not hindered by what may appear to others to be my lack of wanting or trying. We may be encouraging someone to manipulate their circumstances when God has clearly asked them to wait upon Him. Do you think it's easy to wait? To trust Him in this? When it would be much easier to do things my way, but I've seen where "my way" gets me, and it's not somewhere I want to go again.
I know that not everyone, even some close family members, understand my philosophy on matters of the heart, and that is okay. Ultimately, I must follow the Lord in this and not be concerned with what people think or say. But I did want to speak out about this to perhaps encourage young girls/women to follow a different path, to let other young women know they are not alone, and to explain it to those who don't understand.
As the years pass and I remain single, the Lord has been purging me of what I want and giving me the desire for what HE wants for my life, however that looks. I am open to however He brings a man into my life, even if it's in a way I'd never had imagined and anticipated. And I am open to marrying any man from any country, ethnicity, background, etc... I only want him to passionately love the Lord and clearly be the one God created with me in mind. I won't put the God of the entire Universe in a box of my own making and understanding.
I'm encouraged by these words I wrote a year ago. Still single, still trusting. Thought I'd share it again to hopefully encourage some single sisters...
Do you want to know an incredibly freeing thought TRUTH? Nothing I do and say or don't do and say is going to impress a man and make him fall in love with me. It is out of my hands. I have no control over it.
Some people might think that is actually quite frightening, rather than comforting.... but you see, I know that when God does bring someone into my life, it'll be right. It'll be in His perfect time and way. It's comforting to know that I don't have to cause a man's heart to be stirred towards me. The God who created me and has called me to my purpose is capable of awakening our hearts to one another.
I have prayed and asked the Lord to only allow one man, the man He has for me, to pursue me. Because I don't want to mess around. I don't want anyone's heart to be wounded. There is no time for games in such a serious matter. I can trust that when it's time, God will show this man. He will show him that I'm "the one" and that it's time to pursue me and how to pursue me. I don't have to and don't want to manipulate it in any fashion.
This man will love me because the God of love will give him HIS love for me. I don't ever have to pretend to be someone I'm not. And not only that, this man will not be intimidated by my ministry and calling. He will support me in it and will pray with and for me. I have struggled with thinking how could a man fall in love with me knowing about my past before he even gets to know me? Because there is so much more to me and it's difficult thinking he'll know the most raw and vulnerable parts of me before he even knows me. Not every man would want to pursue things with a woman with a "past," and someone who is so public about her story. But the man who God has for me will have grace. I wouldn't want a man who isn't Christ-like. The fact is, the man I marry will never even know who I once was, and a man who doesn't recognize that, I have no desire for anyways. The man I marry will love Lily... and Luke too. And he will see the beauty of redemption and the work of Christ in my life. He will see that I'm not a depressed person with all sorts of baggage.
As a friend of mine recently said to me, I can be faithful in sharing my story when God opens the doors and can have complete rest and freedom trusting that God is in control. When something does happen with a man, it'll so clearly be Jesus scripting the story. I have prayed that it will so evidently be HIM when and if it does happen and that my love story will be a reflection of the gospel.
There are well-intentioned people in my life who I know want the best for me. They feel sorry for me because I'm not married yet. Please don't feel sorry for me. If I were meant to be married right now, I would be. God holds my life and future in His hands. I trust Him and that He knows best for my life in the area of romance. Because you know what? In the past, I have made really stupid choices in the area of guys. Those guys were never meant to be my husband. I don't trust my own judgment in this area. I know that God will give me peace when the right person does come along, the one HE has chosen for me.
You might think it's irrational, unproductive, silly, naive, and maybe even a little stupid that I'm not "out there" trying to snag a husband. I'm not on any online dating website, I'm not in any singles groups, and I really don't want anyone to set me up with their friend, son, grandson, etc. Because the God who created romance and marriage is far more capable of finding a man for me than I am or anyone else. After all, He created him and me. And the man who will compliment me, and I him, is out there.... if marriage is what God has for me. How will a God-written love story look? I have no idea. Each love story is different, showing the creativity of the Lord.
A young woman named Krissy was asked as the years were passing by and no prospect of a man was in her life if she was called to a life of singleness. She thoughtfully responded, "today I am." Today, I know I am called to singleness. Will that be forever, I don't know. I hope not. But I also know that what God has for me, whatever it is, is best. And I wouldn't want marriage if it isn't His plan. I would rather be single forever than married to the wrong man. The kind of man that loves Jesus with his entire life and will be the right person for me is worth waiting for.
Even if time keeps passing and it appears as if nothing is happening, I know my God is working and is in control. And no matter the pressure, how it appears there are no guys in this generation that are single and worth waiting for, or the Lord's seeming distance in this area, I choose to trust. I want my life and love story to be proof to those in my life and to this world that God does care about every intimate detail of our lives... and that He does script beautiful love stories to this day.
A common message that I have heard and read again and again in Christian circles is that as soon as you let go of your desire to be married, it is then that God will bless you by bringing a spouse into your life... when you least expect it... when you have totally and completely surrendered to Him that longing.
But, what about those who have surrendered the desire... over and over... and it remains, while their single status remains along with it? This can leave people feeling deprived, discontent, and forsaken.
Questions plague such hearts:
If surrender equals blessing, then where is mine?
Am I not surrendering "correctly"?
What's wrong with me that I still ache for this?
If I could just get my life together, would God see fit to bring me a spouse?
The subtle, albeit unintentional, lie here is that marriage is given by some merit or worthiness of our own, and is withheld by some lack of our own. Neither is true. Marriage is a gift, freely given by the gift-Giver.
As Elisabeth Elliot wrote, marriage is a gift, not a right. Singleness is also a gift.
The woman who is 40, single, and longing to be married, is not in some way "less worthy" of a husband than the 18-year-old young woman who marries her high-school sweetheart.
The one who is given a spouse shortly after surrendering the dream and desire for marriage is not more deserving or "together" than the one who must surrender again and again, through years of uninvited waiting.
There is not a magic formula.
Who are we to question God's ways and thoughts?
Isaiah 55:8 says, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD."
Something else I've personally heard over and over that goes right along with this is when well-intentioned people wholeheartedly assure me that there is someone out there for me, I just have to wait for God's perfect timing to bring us together.
First of all, there are many people God calls to a lifetime of singleness. Just because we desire marriage doesn't mean we are guaranteed that gift. Look at Corrie ten Boom, an incredible woman of God (who desired to be married), yet she remained single all 91 years of her life on Earth.
We cannot tell someone we know for certain they will be married and that there is someone out there for them. How can we claim to know the future or God's plan for their life? When a spouse doesn't come along year after year, decade after decade, again they may be left feeling like they are lacking somehow. Did they somehow miss the mark? Did they miss the Lord's still, small voice, pointing them in the way they should have gone, the path where they would have found a spouse... but oh well, too late now?
How about we enter into the unique journey of single adults, not negating their pain or experience, but also not trying to solve the "problem" of their singlehood? (That's another issue in itself, the way being single is viewed almost as a problem needing mended or fixed, rather than a gift to be embraced). How about we encourage the single young Christians in our lives? How about we invite them over to have dinner with our family? How about we send Scripture and quotes to them and let them know we are praying for them? We don't have to have all the answers, or pretend to, in order to minister to their hearts. How about we say, "I don't know what God's plan for your life and future are, but I know it'll be beautiful. That doesn't mean it won't be painful too. But He knows what He's doing and can always be trusted..."? How about we stop suggesting someone needs to "get out there more," as if it is somehow because of them or their lack of wanting or trying that they still don't have a ring on their finger? We don't know if we could be encouraging someone to manipulate their circumstances when God has clearly asked them to wait upon Him.
Single Christian: You didn't somehow mess up or miss God's plan for you. These words from Lori Smith have encouraged me:
"One of the biggest struggles we face as Christian singles is wondering whether we've messed up God's plan for our lives. It seems we don't fit into the prescribed pattern for the Christian life, so perhaps we took a wrong turn somewhere - went to the wrong school, took the wrong job, turned someone down for a date when we should have said yes.
The Bible is completely absent of an admonitions to worry about missing God's will. We are instructed to follow Him, but we're never asked to fret about it.
To the contrary, we're presented with a picture of a God who's quite able to move us from place to place if we're not where we ought to be, whether by natural means (as He did calling Mary and Joseph back to Bethlehem for the royal census) or by supernatural means (as He did with Philip when He supernaturally transported him after his meeting with the Ethiopian eunuch).
If you're following God and obeying Him, you have no need to worry about whether you've missed His will for your life." -Lori Smith
Marriage is not guaranteed, no... but I'm not trying to be a Debbie-downer about it. We shouldn't walk around sulking and depressed because we are still single, with no prospect in sight. On the contrary, we should be living our lives fully and contentedly, busy about our Father's business. We don't know how long we have on this Earth, so we better serve the Lord while we have breath.
Still longing for marriage doesn't mean we haven't surrendered or aren't content.
Life as a single Christian can still be just as purposeful, sanctifying, and joyful as life as a married Christian.
I want to share different videos, love stories, quotes, books, etc. that have encouraged me in my walk as a single Christian woman who has entrusted this area of my life to the Lord. I pray the things I'll be sharing will be an encouragement to you too!
I am in one of those life seasons where it feels like nothing is happening. I know that isn't true. Things are happening. Life is beautiful and it is unfolding. Sometimes I need to be reminded of this. My niece is due to arrive in only 5 weeks! I am going to be graduating college next month. I have my doula training coming up, an internship that I haven't quite figured out the details for yet, among other possibilities.
But, the deepest dreams of my heart are buried deep within, dreams that I don't know if they will ever be given as tangible gifts on Earth. I am referring to my desire to get married, to have more children that I raise on Earth, as well as ministry dreams. It feels like God has pushed the giant "pause" button in these areas of my life as I watch everyone else's stories play out around me.
In my unanswered questions, doubts, fears, and concerns... I can hear Him gently asking me to "wait." I hear Him asking me if I will trust Him, His timing and His plan, even if it is the opposite of what I think it should be. Do I trust His character and that He knows best for my life, that He can see the end from the beginning, and knows me better than I know myself? He knows the name of my future husband (if I'm to be married), he knows the names, faces, and purposes of my future children! How can I doubt the God who knows and sees it all? The God who laid down His life that I might have life.
My favorite song lately that has been constantly playing on repeat is "To Those Who Wait," by Bethany Dillon. You can listen to it below (email subscribers click HERE).
Here are the lyrics:
I am waiting on You,
I am waiting on You.
You say You're good to those who wait.
My heart's discouraged,
So I come to You expectant.
You say You're good to those who wait.
Lord, today You know what I need to do,
But You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.
So I won't run anymore.
I'm waiting on You.
Oh, wretched man that I am!
Free me from my distractions.
You say You're good to those who wait.
Then confession and repentance
Find me in the quiet.
You say You're good to those who wait.
Now I know You're good to those who wait.
Lord, today You know what I need to do,
But You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.
So I won't run anymore.
I'm waiting on You.
Oh, my soul,
Wait upon the Lord.
Keep your lamp filled with oil.
Oh, my soul,
Be not deceived!
Wait for Him.
Don't be quick to leave.
Lord, today You know what I need to do,
But You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.
So I won't run anymore.
I'm waiting on You.
Isn't that the most beautiful line - He can do more in our waiting than in our doing we could do. He is showing me that my waiting is not for nothing. It is not accomplishing nothing, even if it feels that way in this temporal world. Even if it feels like He is not working and moving, I trust that He is doing more in my waiting than in my doing I could do. Waiting is meant to be active and faith-building.
I must instruct my soul to wait upon Him. I must remind my soul not to be quick to lead, though I can feel so tempted to take initiative in leading when nothing appears to be happening... whether that be the thought that perhaps I should try online dating, perhaps I need to "get my name out there more" in ministry, perhaps I need to try out different churches where there are more eligible young men.
First of all, no big life decision should be made out of desperation. I am not saying that these things are necessarily wrong for everyone. But I know they would be wrong for me, out of a heart of desperation and distrust. I know that God has specifically asked me to wait even when it appears nothing is happening. Part of learning to wait is trusting that He is doing more in my waiting than I could ever do.
When I was at Ellerslie for the Advanced Semester this past fall, I had a conversation with a woman who is a missionary around the world. The week that she came in to teach us was one of the things that left the most lasting impression on me from my time at Ellerslie.
I asked her about ministry and told her people have essentially told me I need to pursue things further and "get my name out there." But I feel God has asked me to wait and trust Him to open the doors He desires to be opened, which He has faithfully done up until this point. Some people find that lazy or not being serious. I asked her what she thought. She told me that she knew the specific call God had on her life as well and people would say the same things to her. She too felt God telling her to wait. She encouraged me to wait and trust that in His perfect time and way, things will unfold. She shared how through a series of events, God opened doors for her, after decades of waiting upon Him! Decades! I felt the Lord confirming within me that He is asking me to wait as well. And to know that the waiting, even if it lasts for decades, is for a purpose.
So often I believe we put God in a box. We assume He will use us most effectively in our youth. But here is this amazing woman of God that waited until she was in her 50s until God opened doors in ministry. Think of Corrie ten Boom, one of my heroines, and how she started traveling the world sharing her message of God's love and forgiveness, when she too was in her 50s! She shared the Gospel around the globe for close to 40 years. Age is no factor or obstacle to God and it shouldn't be to us either.
This reminds me of something written by R.T. Kendall:
In His Time
"When God shows us that He is going to use us (and He can do that), we usually tend to think that we are going to see this happen in the next week or two. What often happens is that it is a long time before God gets around to using us as He has planned. Take Moses.
When Moses grew up, he refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, "choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season" (Hebrews 11:25). Moses thought that when he left the palace and identified himself with his brethren, they would clap their hands and say, "Welcome. We've been waiting for you to come." The truth is they rejected him, and Moses needed another forty years of preparation.
It may be a good while indeed before God's greater purpose in us will be realized. It could be that you, too, are in a similar situation. Perhaps you are older and you have yet to see what God's greater purpose in your own life is. Perhaps you have just about given up. You thought at one time that God was going to use you. You were convinced of it. God's message to you right now is: the end is not yet."
As we are in the waiting, what should we be doing? It shouldn't be a time of doing nothing. We should be actively seeking Him... through studying His Word, getting plugged into a local church, reading books and articles, praying without ceasing, building relationships with other believers, and being faithful to love the people He places on our path. Carry on with your life because tomorrow is not guaranteed and neither is what you think or hope your life will be.
We are to be abiding in Him, for it is only out of a close relationship with Jesus Christ that an effective and fruitful ministry can flow out. Remember, He is the vine and we are the branches (I encourage you to read and study John 15 in depth).
Remember that our identity is not in our occupation, marital status, or even in ministry. Even if everything in this life were stripped away, we still have Him. Our identify is in Christ.
There are a lot of things I don't know or understand about my future. What about my health issues? What job am I supposed to get? How will I provide for myself? Will I ever be able to purchase a house on my own? Will I be lonely spending my life as a single woman?
He is sovereign over all my life circumstances.
In the past 2 days, I have heard 2 separate teachers say the same thing (clearly God is speaking to me in this)... I need to be not looking at what God has withheld, the things that everyone around me appears to be given, but instead looking at what He has provided and being thankful for those things. I need to receive all things in my life as coming directly from the Lord.
Waiting on God will always be a theme in our lives, even though what we're waiting on will change.
No mistake or sin on our part can cause His plans to unravel. I need to remember that too. We cannot ruin His plan. Submit your life to Him and trust He can redeem those places that feel too broken.
"I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." -Job 42:2
There are many more quotes and things on my heart I wish I could share, but for now I need to wrap this up.
Be encouraged, dear reader. He is El Roi, the God who sees. He sees your circumstances, your dreams, your heart. He sees everything about you that nobody else does. He has a perfect and beautiful plan, even if it doesn't match your own. He is asking you to wait. Are you willing to give everything to trust Him and wait upon His will for your life? Whatever it is you are waiting on... direction, guidance on where to attend college, what degree to pursue if one at all, who to marry and if you'll marry, longed-for children, what job to get, how your ministry will unfold, etc... He is with you. He desires what's best. He knows what's best. He is a faithful Shepherd.
