Saturday, March 16, 2019

Her 9th Birthday

A beautiful baby girl that I carried, birthed, and love should be turning 9 today. It's my birthing-day.

9 years since I held that perfect-but-without-breath 7 pound 9 ounce and 21 inch body and saw my face in hers.

9 years of treasuring her life and mothering her legacy.

9 years of her name being written all over the world in the sand, snow, and everywhere in between.

9 years of writing and speaking about her.

9 years and the missing and love haven't changed.

Honestly, I am at a bit of a loss for words this year. I have been so busy with working full-time and taking Masters classes and just life in general that I've barely had time to process Lily's birthday and my memories and feelings surrounding it. Not only that, but I'm dealing with some difficult things right now, which compounds my grief with it being Lily's time of year.

Around her day each year, I like to go back and read my blog posts where I see how we've celebrated her on each of her past birthdays. This year, I honestly don't have much planned. It made me feel sad to see how many special things I've done in her honor in the past and guilty for not doing more this year.

As I was contemplating these feelings, I realized this is pressure I put on myself for no reason. Her birthday season might look different each year. Some years I might go to the beach or somewhere else different and fun, while other years (like this year), the plans may be more simple. Some years I might get a tattoo or deliver hospital comfort boxes, while other years I may celebrate in a quieter way. There is no need for any pressure because my love for Lily does not wane... despite what is going on or not going on or how many years have passed.

This year, I need things to be gentler and simpler. This year, I will cherish long-held traditions and the memory of her life within mine. This year, I will let go of the pressure or the need to do certain things or write certain words in order for her life to "count," in order for the great loss of her to mean something. She matters and nothing in all of the universe could ever change that. I love her and nothing will diminish my devotion as her mommy.

A sweet acquaintance turned friend named Liza told me last weekend how she read my words after she walked through one, and then two miscarriages, and was in a dark place. She said my sharing about Lily helped her to know it was okay to grieve and feel sad over something she had wanted so badly. She felt validated and it helped her share her journey publicly herself. She said she doesn't know she would have it weren't for Lily and my sharing. She said I could keep this all to myself and it would be understandable, but that she's thankful I share Lily with others and that others are able to get to know my girl and can join in and be a part of her life and story. In turn, Liza sharing her journey has helped me walking my own, as I know it has helped many others too. It's amazing how that works.

She went on to say that the reason Lily died wasn't to help and impact others. That wouldn't be reason enough for those who have lost a child. Jesus never brings or intends death, but in His power and love, He is able to use the seemingly most bleak and utterly wretched circumstances and pain for our good and His glory. I find comfort in knowing that even in death and suffering, God has brought beauty. There is much solace in that truth.

Having my friend share this with me touched my heart deeply. I say this every year, but it seems the Lord reserves special blessings for the month of March. I have gotten precious messages from blog readers, some who have followed along for years and I've never heard from. One had a dream about Lily this month. This month is marked as sacred and these messages and words about Lily carry me and encourage me to continue sharing my journey.

My journey this year is that I thought I didn't have much to share... but maybe it turns out I had more to say than I realized. I love all you who love Lily alongside me.

Here are pictures from March 16, 2010...











Here is Lily's song

Here are the blog posts I've written over the years, both on Lily's birthdays, as well as the posts about how we've celebrated her birthdays:

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Monday, March 11, 2019

"Your Blog Posts Helped Me Get Through It"

Another getting close to Lily's birthday March message that moved, humbled, and encouraged my heart right when I needed it:

"I have followed your blog posts for years. I stumbled across your website when I was searching if there were support groups or forums for people who ever had an abortion. I was feeling huge regret and sadness and your blog posts helped me get through it. It's still not something I openly talk about. I have a living child now. And I still struggle some days asking myself how I even deserve this beautiful, smart little one. I felt so much sadness reading about Lily. And I love that you have shared your story and continue to share her story as well. I pray that you too get your rainbow baby someday. ❤️ I wanted to reach out to you to let you know that your story is beautiful and I look forward to all the posts and emails."


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If She'd Been Born Today

This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2015...

These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...

It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.

My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.

Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.


I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then. I still have the paper with the induction date on it (it's now in Lily's scrapbook).


This popped up on my Facebook Memories today... my post from this date in 2010.


And this is what I posted on yesterday's date in 2010... if only those had been real contractions and she had been born then.


What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.

I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.

Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?

The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.

My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.

On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.

This entire week holds many memories.

Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?

If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.

Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...

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Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Hello in a Dream

Long time, no write. Are you still there? I've missed you and this space. I have much to catch you up on. I mostly share Lily-related things on my Facebook page or Instagram these days. However, this is Lily's month. She'd be turning 9 on March 16th. So, I find myself drawn back to this blog again...


A follower of Lily's story sent me a message today that my sweet birthday girly visited her dream.

She wrote: "I had a dream the other night and I just have to share. It was so weird and so random because I hardly ever have dreams like this. Anyways, I was dreaming that my kids were playing and one of them asked me about S. I was explaining how she lived in Heaven and was being taken care of, when my daughter said, "Oh, like Rose and Her Lily?" I was like what, what made you say that? She said, "I don't know, but I just had to say it." I woke up totally surprised and I told myself I was going to obviously share this with you and as soon as I opened up Facebook, your post was the first to show on my News Feed. It could just be a coincidence, but I would like to believe she is trying to tell you "hello." It is her month too. 💕"

It never ceases to amaze me that special Lily happenings occur every March. She somehow finds a way to let me know she's okay. I believe it's a gift from God, reminding me that Rose and Her Lily are still being held and cared for, no matter how many Marches come and go. There's something oh so sacred about a dream visit.

I have dreamed of Lily and so have others before this. Click here to read the dreams of Lily.

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