Thursday, April 15, 2010

A month.

Well, I haven't posted in over a week. It's not that I have a lack of words or haven't wanted to. I've just been busy...However, Lily is constantly on my mind. I wish she was here so much. Yesterday, it was a month since her due date. Tomorrow, it's a month since her birth. Has it really been that long? Sometimes, I can't believe how much time has passed. But, then I think about the journey that these past four weeks has been and it feels like much longer. I can't believe all the mixed emotions I've felt.


I know that every week on Tuesdays, I'll remember just how long it's been since I held her. Will I always count how many weeks it's been, even twenty years from now? Will I think to myself, it's been 237 weeks. Only time will tell what the weeks, months, and years will bring.


I keep wondering what it will be like when I get pregnant again. What emotions will flood my soul? Excitement for the new life growing inside, sadness because Lily's not here to share it with me, maybe even a hint of guilt? Only mothers who have lost a child truly know all the feelings and emotions that come with such a loss. What will it be like when I have to listen to my next baby's heart beating? Will I cry? Out of sadness, out of joy. Will I be afraid? Will I brace myself each week, wondering if I'm going to hear anything? Nothingness. I feel this fear rising up in me. Fear that this will happen again. Fear that one day that little heart will stop beating, like hers did. I don't think I could take it again. I'm so afraid of it happening again.


I never know when the sadness is going to creep in. All of a sudden, it's there. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I can feel fine, and then I'm overwhelmed with missing her. It feels so strange to see her room, just waiting for her. But, she's not there. Will I feel guilty when another child uses her things? I feel like all the stuff is hers! Nobody else should get to use it. I know it sounds silly. But, I can't explain all these things. I don't know why I feel the ways that I do.


Just try to understand.


I feel my gentle Saviour asking me to trust Him. With everything. I'm a mere human. I have no strength. But, in Him, I have the strength...strength to overcome anything. I know He's by my side. I know Lily's by His side. With all the unanswered questions, with all the fears, I choose to trust in Him.


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This post left me:

3 comments:

  1. When you get pregnant again there will be a multitude of thoughts and emotions but you won't have to go it alone. *hugs*

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  2. Bless your heart....I still count weeks...Saturday will be 20....it's been 137 days...I think I'll count forever.
    Lots of love to you!

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  3. It will be five months tomorrow since my loss and it still seems like it happened yesterday...and forever ago at the same time. I can't speak for myself yet, but when I get pregnant again, I like to thikn of it as Alexandra "sharing" her room and things with her little brother/sister. :) (((HUGS))

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