a gloomy day

Dark, gray clouds hang overhead and the thunder roars. It claps and startles me as the lightning strikes. The day is gloomy. Yes, I'm thankful for the rain. I'm thankful that the earth is being rejuvenated and the beautiful greens are returning once again. The grass is no longer stiff and brown, but luscious and lovely. I do enjoy sleeping through thunderstorms and hearing the rain pound on the roof and outside my windows. But, the storm seems to represent something more than that these days. The gloominess of the day is reflecting the gloominess in my heart. I'm hurting. Because I miss Lily. But, it's more than that today. I'm hurting for so many hurting people. For the mom who just lost her third baby. I try not to let myself think of her pain too much because I don't want to get so sad, when I'm just trying to get by. 
But, today, for a few minutes, I think the Lord allowed me to feel the pain she's in. My heart was aching, heavy, and broken. Tears streamed down my face. I don't understand it. And I have no words to try to explain why this happened. My heart aches for the mom who lost her baby last year, and now lost her brother this week. Why? Death is such a sad, unforgiving, continual, final thing. It can never be changed. Her brother can never go back to before the car accident..and maybe leave the house a few moments earlier to avoid what happened altogether. I can never go back to before my baby was born and replay the events that led up to her death. I will forever wonder if there's something I could have done?...something different my doctor could have done? Something I should have known...
And sometimes I get these crazy thoughts like I want to say to whatever woman I see with a healthy baby, "You have no idea how blessed you are! You better not take it for granted!" And for some reason, whenever I see a woman with a baby or young child, I get bitter and resentful and automatically assume the mother doesn't fully appreciate her child. I know it's ridiculous and of course I would never really say anything so crazy, but that's what I think. And then today I thought while looking around at so many moms and babies, maybe that woman lost her baby years ago and that's her rainbow baby. Maybe she takes every moment with that child as a sacred gift. 


And when I see pregnant women, I just want to say, "Don't take any moment for granted! You never know how this is going to end!" And that sounds so mean, but it's almost like I want to prepare them for heartbreak. But, I would never tell them something that would scare them out of their blissful pregnancy. And maybe it's not only because I want to save them from being shocked at the hospital when they go home with empty arms...Just because I say something wouldn't change anything anyways. It would just make them afraid. And I don't want that. But, maybe I just want them to know that I don't have my baby! Maybe I want them to feel sorry for me. Maybe I want them to know how much it hurts. But, I would never wish that on someone. So, tell me why do I think all these crazy things?! 


And then I wondered, while watching pregnant woman after pregnant woman pass me by...how many women that lost their babies looked at me and thought the same thing when I was pregnant? How many women were envious of the life that grew inside me? How many women wanted to tell me not to be surprised if when it was all said and done, I ended up with nothing but a saggy stomach. How many women saw the blissful smile on my face and had to hold back the tears? And this brings to mind a story that one of the ladies in my infant loss support group told me about. She was sitting outside at a restaurant as a pregnant woman was with a group of people, just laughing and having fun. And they were taking photos and had no idea who was behind them. A woman whose world just shattered on a day in mid-January when her twin sons were taken from her. They had no idea that maybe they shouldn't be so blissfully unaware. And she mentioned that when they got those photos back, there she'll be...in the background, crying and broken. And they'll have no idea why. They'll have no idea just how much she was hurting. And they'll have no idea that she was hurting because she saw them taking pictures.
So, today I'm hurting. I'm sorry for your pain. Know that I'm feeling it along with you and if there's anything I can do to help carry your burden, I humbly ask you to tell me. For now, I will ask the Lord to give me some of your pain, to lighten your load, to shed some of the tears on your heavy heart...


"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." ~Galatians 6:2

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Why?

As I write this, tears are welling up in my eyes...it isn't fair. It just isn't fair. God, I'm not angry with you. I'm not bitter. But, why? Why didn't I deserve her? Why do others deserve their babies, but I don't? She tells me about them, about their little family..they're so happy, they love each other. He knows just how to make his tears subside, how to make him laugh. He's healthy, growing, thriving. He's here and she's gone. Why? Is she a better mother than I would have been? I love her just as much as she loves him.

Why do drug addicts, alcoholics, abusers deserve precious, innocent babies...they will turn out to be just like their parents. People that don't even want to have a baby...so easily get pregnant. Have an abortion, or maybe decide to keep them...Only to abuse them, neglect them, forget about them. Some want children so badly and can never have them...but they fight for them with fertility treatments..hearts are broken when conceiving seems impossible. Years are spent, with no success. Then, others have multiple children, with no problems, no complications. Just healthy pregnancies, healthy babies. She's 20...pregnant with her third. Why? I see so many women now with three, four, maybe five young children with them. Why do they get these precious little ones? How long will I have to wait for my chance? Will it ever come?

Now, the doctor says my pelvic bone was barely adequate to deliver her. And I should consider having c-sections with future pregnancies. Well, how many c-sections can one woman have? I don't want doctors telling me how many children I can or can't have. Will I even be able to be a mother? I see so many babies around me...so many pregnant women. I don't want to see them. It hurts. Each newborn I see, I wonder if perhaps he might share her birthday. How would she be changing now? What would she look like? How much would she weigh? It feels so empty here without her...so quiet. Some days, I know I'm going to make it...other days, I feel so sad. So alone. I miss her. I miss getting the attention that having a nine month old baby in my belly brought.

I should be getting attention for my newborn baby...but nobody knows that three weeks ago, I gave birth. Nobody knows that I had to give her back. Nobody knows that I am here with aching arms...arms that long for her. Only her. I feel like everyone should know. I know it's bad, but sometimes I wonder if I could ever love another child like I love her...will any other child be as special as she is? Why do I think this way? Am I not good enough? Would I not have been a good mother for her? God, it doesn't seem fair. I don't understand. So many questions, so many "whys" only You know the answer to. Come help my unbelief. Show me truth. Teach me to trust You.

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