Rose and Her Lily: Week 1 WWY Series

I have wanted to participate in the Walking With You series that Sufficient Grace Ministries hosts for a couple years, but have never gotten around to it until now. I thought now is a good time to do it because they have changed it up a bit and I feel like I have proper time to devote to writing each week. I also wanted to do a series from the beginning and other times I have stumbled upon a series when it was already halfway through.

About the Walking With You series:

For those walking the path of grieving the loss of a baby or child, we offer grace for the journey and a friend to walk with you…
There are moments on this walk when we feel we cannot go on. Moments when a friend comes alongside us to point us again to the One who sustains us. A friend to
offer a safe haven, a listening ear. A friend who understands. A friend to lift
us in prayer. A friend to allow us to lean on her as she leans on Him. A
friend, who is not afraid to walk through the valley in the rain, with a storm
mounting. She is not afraid because she doesn’t walk alone. Whether you are a
newly bereaved mother or a seasoned mom who has watched the Lord make beauty
from ashes in your life. Whether you need someone to lean on or you are the
shoulder that can bear the burden, we hope you will walk with us as we are
walking with Him. We hope you will join us with our broken umbrellas, with all
our little quirks and imperfections in our various stages on this walk, as His
grace washes over us in the pouring rain.

The series will last six weeks and there will be a different topic each week to write about. You can add a link to your post each week on the SGM (Sufficient Grace Ministries) website. Share your thoughts on the SGM blog and be sure to read what others had to share and show some love and support to them. You can join in whenever you wish and for as many as you are able.

To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 1: January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?
Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?

*Click here to join in this week. I look forward to walking with you for this series, friends! :) *

If you are new here, welcome. My name is Hannah Rose.

I am not new to this walk of grief, though at times, I can hardly believe how much time has passed since my two losses. I am the mother of two precious little ones who are at Home with the Lord. I have no living children.

In just under a month, on February 6th, it will be my first child's 4th Heaven Day. That is the day I had an abortion at the age of 19. I was unmarried and completely terrified. If I had known then the inevitable pain and regret that would come as a result of my "choice," I would most likely have a three-year-old right now. I found out my child was due on October 1st, 2009 and have always felt in my heart that he was a boy. I am thankful to have peace in this. I have named him Luke Shiloh, meaning "light and peace," as a testimony to the truth that Jesus Christ brings light in the midst of the deepest darkness and peace to the most broken, aching, longing, desperate hearts. I have my ultrasound photo of Luke, the only photo I will ever have of my first child. I am so thankful for this. I have his name, ultrasound photo, knowledge of his due date, and other keepsake and memorial items...but it hurts knowing that's all there will ever be. I try to picture what he might look like today, but don't even know what to imagine. Would I have placed him for adoption or parented?

On March 16th, it will be my daughter, Lily Katherine's, 3rd Birthday in Heaven. If it weren't for Luke, I probably would have had an abortion with her. I got pregnant with her only a few short months after losing Luke. I was 19, unmarried, and still completely terrified. They are both as much a part of the story as the other. They are both the instruments the Lord used to bring me back to Himself. At times, it feels like so long ago that I held my little flower in my arms...yet at other times, it feels like it was only yesterday. Lily and Katherine both mean "purity." She is a symbol of my purity and redemption in Jesus Christ...and she will forever remain pure and innocent.

There has been much healing in my life since then, yet I know there will always be a piece of me missing...a spot in my heart that is completely and entirely Luke's and Lily's. No other child could ever replace them, nor would I want them to be replaced.

I am not in fresh grief anymore, yet at times my heart aches so tremendously that it feels like it all just happened. Thankfully those feelings come less and less as times goes on. Some say, "time is a healer," but I know that is just not true. Jesus Christ is my Healer. And He has placed His soothing balm over this broken heart of mine. I wouldn't say it gets "easier" as the months and years march by, but somehow His strength is sufficient to bear what would otherwise crush me if my hope were not in Him.

Grief changes, just as the seasons. The grief, the love, has become etched into the very fabric of my being. It is so much a part of me that I cannot even remember life before Luke and Lily. I cannot remember not having a grieving mother's heart. My life is marked as either "before my babies" or "after my babies." The shock of losing Lily has worn off and it is now just a part of me. I can barely remember what it was like before grief and loss were a part of my life. But, you know what? I am okay with that. Because I am who I am because of my two babies of Heaven. God has brought me to dreams and desires that I never would have had (most likely) if it weren't for them. At least, it wouldn't be the same had these things not touched my own life in a most intimate way. My dream is to write a book about the work the Lord has done in my life. My dream is to speak out in any place God gives me the opportunity to share my testimony of LIFE and how He saved a wretch like me!

"There is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~Corrie ten Boom

"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." ~Karen Kingsbury in her book, Shades of Blue

Losing Luke and Lily and loving Luke and Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of them nonstop, they are always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my children in my thoughts. Just because they aren't here doesn't change that mother's love. Every day, there are so many reminders of them.

"Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color."

~W.S. Merwin

"However time or circumstance may come between a mother and her child, their lives are interwoven forever." ~Pam Brown

No amount of time could change my love or take away my grief. No separation, not even the grave, could change my mother's heart. I realize that this is a life-long journey, this grief, just as I will forever be a mother. I will never be "over it," but I have accepted it. I am thankful for their lives, despite how it all ended. I am thankful for the gift of knowing them, carrying them, loving them. Thankful I get to call them mine. I am learning that it's okay even if others seem to forget. I know I will never forget and that's what's important. I am learning how to incorporate them into my life, each day. What it means to honor and love them. What it means to mother my daughter and son of Heaven. I know God has a bigger purpose for their lives than I could ever imagine. I am just beginning to see glimpses into those purposes. I wait on Him to fulfill them in His perfect time and way...

To read more of my story, click here.

Watch the tribute video I made in honor of Lily: