Changes

Fall is almost here again and reminding me of this time last year when all those changes were taking place in my heart and life. My heart was opening up to a whole new world...the world of motherhood. This very day last year, I called my mom and told her I was pregnant. She was so excited. We talked for hours on the phone, laughing, crying, and planning for the days to come. Joy filled me up to the brim because I was making room for a new life in my life. A baby that I didn't yet know the gender of. But, somehow, in my heart I always knew. I always knew she was Lily. As surely as the changing of the seasons come, my life is changing once again. Change is really difficult for me. It means saying goodbye to someone you love. A season of life that you love. It means your left only with the memories of that time or that person. I always feel down this time of year, despite how much I enjoy sweater weather, pumpkin spiced lattes, and brightly colored leaves. But, after the fall, comes the winter. And in the winter, all the plants lose their leaves, their color, their life. And it's cold outside. And despite how much I enjoy being tucked in by a fire, with a hot cup of mocoa cocoa, listening to Christmas carols, I still have a hard time dealing with change. Change means things are no longer as they were. It's as if the things that were are no longer valued or cherished when they can be pushed aside...when life marches on. Yet, I know this isn't so. My life does march on. The leaves do change colors. The leaves will fall. The winter will come. It's inevitable. I will be reminded of last year, spending hours sitting on the floor making Christmas cards, with a 6 month pregnant belly. But, this year won't be the change that I was anticipating. I won't have her. I'm sick of dealing with all these changes. I never know what's to come. Each year of my life seems so much different than the last. My brothers left yesterday to truck-drive across the country, as a team. They will be gone for weeks at a time. It makes me so sad to think nothing is as it was. And what does the next season of my life hold? It feels like everyone is having all these great things happen to them. Everywhere I turn, someone just had a baby, got engaged, got married, or just found out they were pregnant...But, what about me? What good is happening for me? It's hard not to feel jealous. All I know is the one thing that remains. The one thing that never changes is my God. He is faithful always. The seasons may change, circumstances change, life marches on...but my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever...as is my love for Lily.

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