Letter from a Single Almost 30-year-old

I'm excited to be sharing another guest post today! This is someone I've been wanting to get on the blog for a while. :)

A few nights ago, I was listening to a CD that has an instrumental piano song on it that I've wanted to play at my wedding since I was probably 15. I haven't heard this song in years. When I listened to it the other night, it brought back memories of that time and even my thoughts and perspective then. I thought about how easy it is when you're that age to dream of marriage and motherhood, like it'll "just happen" in the desired timeframe. And how at that age, you hear of all these God-written love stories, stories that are beautiful, but yet they can create this false sense of expectancy... this belief that if I surrender this area of my life to God, if I honor Him in the area of love and romance, then surely He will bless me... surely that blessing will equate to marriage and a prince who comes in and sweeps me off my feet. But as the years pass by and you remain single, when life doesn't happen the way you'd expect and you don't get married by "23 at the latest," then it can feel complicated and confusing. It can leave you disillusioned and hurt by God. Did you miss the mark? It's not as easy to dream.

My dear Aussie friend, Karen, has been a huge blessing and encouragement to me walking through our lives as single Christian women together. We have shared our struggles and our victories. She displays such gentleness and humility, such honesty and grace. I have felt like I can open up my own heart to her, because in many ways it has reflected her heart as well. She has graciously agreed to share some of the things she has learned along her path of singleness. I asked her what she would say to that 15-year-old who, like Karen and I at that age, desires nothing but marriage and motherhood, who are big dreamers and full of expectancy for life to line up a certain way... who hear love stories and are romantics at heart. Yes, those stories have their place, but so do stories of women who have a longer season of singleness, whether that season will one day end or not. Jesus is the greatest prize, and I hope teens will grasp that truth, even when life doesn't go according to our plans and desires. I pray Karen's words are a blessing to those teens, and to those still walking this road of singleness.

Stay tuned to the end for a special something. ;)

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A letter from an almost 30-year-old single woman, to a 15-year-old desiring nothing but marriage and motherhood….

I never thought I would be that person… the almost 30-year-old woman who desired nothing but marriage and motherhood, who trusted in God and boasted that He is able to bring me and my husband together and who prayed and believed and prayed some more….yep, that one…that woman who is still… so… very… single….I never thought that would be me…

But it is….

That is my reality….and it could be yours.

I’ve learnt so many things over the last 15 years on this journey of singleness and seeking to understand God more through it all, invaluable lessons which I wouldn’t trade, not even for marriage and motherhood. And so, I want to share these things with you. It took me a long time to learn these things (and I’m still learning), but perhaps these lessons will help you in realizing that whether single or married, living with Jesus and for Jesus is worth it. Let me encourage you, not to wait and pray and hope that one day your prince will come, (that’s not my intention because as my life proves, that may not happen), but I want to encourage you to yearn for something more, something better, that you would desire Jesus and His glory above all temporary pleasures.

So here they are young one, lessons I have learnt and am still learning on this journey of singleness.

1.) Marriage and motherhood is not all there is and it certainly is not the goal of this life or the life to come….Marriage and motherhood are good but there is something better….and that is Jesus…knowing Him and making Him known and proving to the world that He alone is the best most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience….Is this just the consolation prize for a spinster-in-the-making? (which I admit I have thought in times past). If so, then your view of Jesus is too small…to think that marriage and motherhood is the epitome of life and that your life would be unbearable otherwise (also what I have thought in times past), then you really don’t understand how truly amazing the Gospel is or the God we serve. This life is not all there is...there is an eternity we are living for, an eternity where we do not get married and are not given in marriage (Matthew 22:30)….And in light of eternity, this life we have is only a speck of sand compared to an endless beach of joy and pleasure in the presence of the True Lover of our souls.

2.) Don't plan your life around marriage, making decisions based on ‘what if’ and putting things on hold until ‘that day’...When I finished school all I wanted to do was get married and have kids, I was in no way career minded (and I’m still not) so I had no idea what I was to do, so I just thought I would occupy until that happened…”well I’ll do this so when I’m married”…or “I’ll pursue this so when I have kids….” That is not the way to go about making decisions…Marriage and motherhood are good and it is good to think about such things, but to build your life around a reality that may not actually become a reality, you are going to come to a point where you will become very disappointed and disillusioned with life and with God. When you make decisions only one thing should occupy your thoughts…”How can God be glorified in this situation?”. Live life fully now as if your life’s blood is meant to be spent, don't “preserve” it until marriage, pour it out now.

3.) Marriage is not a reward and singleness is not punishment. So don't think that if you dress modestly, walk in purity, read your Bible and pray you will somehow be good enough for marriage or more deserving of it than others. You probably ‘know’ this but that won’t stop such thoughts from creeping in and convincing you that God is withholding something from you that you “deserve”…Dressing modestly, reading your Bible and praying are all good things, but do those things because of your love for God alone, not because you are trying to convince Him that you are worthy of marriage.

4.) God is not concerned with your happiness as much as He is concerned with your holiness...Life is not about your happiness…The world in all its forms will tell us otherwise but we know that a life in pursuit of our own happiness will lead us down a destructive path…We need a higher calling than satisfying our emotional state and that’s pursuing God’s glory and furthering His Kingdom. And when you do pursue this path you will realize that holiness is happiness.

5.) “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)....I have clung to this verse so tightly over many, many years, and I have also held this verse out of context. Delight in God = I get marriage and motherhood...When you truly delight in God you don’t have any conditions for Him to meet, you simply delight in all that He is, not what He can give you…And when you truly delight in all that He is you will notice your truest heart’s desires changing to desire Him...yes, you still desire marriage and motherhood (as I still do), but you desire Him more...trusting that if such things will bring you deeper into Him then He will make that happen. Stop clinging to this verse as a means of getting what you want…Delight in Him truly and He will give you Himself as your heart’s truest desires.

6.) “For He satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness (Ps.107:9)”  “Thou wilt show me the path of life. In thy presence is fullness of joy and at thy right hand are pleasures forevermore (Ps16:11)”. Married or single, only He can satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. Do not accept that He cannot satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. He created you so He knows and understands you better than you do. If He says that only He can satisfy the longing soul, then believe it. He’s not in the business of lying.

7.) Questions you will ask yourself at some stage “Did I miss the mark?”, “Should I have put myself out there more?”, “Should I wear clothes a little bit more closer fitting to catch a guy’s attention?”...The God of the universe who brought all things into being is capable of bringing two people together....if you are to marry then He will make it happen. Your anxiety comes from your doubt in God and His sovereignty.

8.) Marriage and motherhood is good, therefore God will give me these things because He is good and He delights in giving good gifts to His children…God is good, marriage and motherhood is good, God delights in giving good gifts to His children…All very true…But like I said before, there is something better than marriage and motherhood, and that is truly knowing and loving Jesus…God is so good that He won’t allow your heart to become captivated by something other than Himself, which is the greatest good thing we could ever have. God orchestrates our lives so that we have the greatest opportunity to know Him more intimately, and if that means remaining single, wouldn’t you want that? But perhaps you think, “If He is able to orchestrate all this can’t He orchestrate my life to include marriage and motherhood as a means of knowing Him more intimately as He has obviously done in the lives of others?” ….Perhaps He could, perhaps He will one day, but if you are truly desirous of His glory and seeing others see that He is of unmeasurable worth, then whether He does or He doesn’t isn’t a question you ask anymore.

9.) Stop focusing on your “misfortunes” of singleness and turn outward...there are many people who are suffering and do not have the hope that we have...Yep, it's hard when you have unfulfilled longings...But this life is short and there are those who will spend their forever in a Christ-less eternity....get a bigger picture than your own little world. Ask God to give you a Godly ambition and an eternal perspective.

10.) Some days you just need to cry...It is hard living with unfulfilled longings and a fading dream, especially when others around you seem to be having all theirs fulfilled. In these dark moments, and you will have dark moments, keep bringing them to God, tell Him honestly what you are feeling and keep preaching Truth to yourself. Ask God to prove that He is the best most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience, and keep trusting Him and His goodness.

11.) Why would God give me such desires if He doesn’t intend to fulfill them? Nothing has brought me more frequently or more passionately before God than my desire for marriage and motherhood….perhaps these desires are a mercy in order to bring us to God and to help us realize that our love for Him has been so very shallow. It’s easy to say how great God is and how much you love Him when you have everything you want. Throw in those unanswered prayers, intense longings, and your friends getting what you want and you will see just how little you loved your Lord. You don’t realize that He is all you need until He is all you have.  

So there you go, lessons from an almost 30-year-old who has longed for marriage and motherhood since forever and who is still waiting. I still have hope, but it is not in marriage and motherhood, as it has been for so many years, my hope is in the total and utter goodness of God and how He will not allow my heart to be captivated by something as temporary as marriage and motherhood. He wants my heart to be captivated by the source of True Joys, and I am so thankful that He has not allowed me to become a wife and mother yet. My love and desire for the Lord has grown exponentially through all of this and in the end (which is only the beginning) when you stand before Christ, the sorrow of unfulfilled longings and dashed dreams won't even compare to the immense joy and pleasure you will have for all eternity in the presence of the true Lover of your soul.

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I thought I'd throw in a little something silly that shows a bit of Karen and my friendship. We met at Ellerslie in the Fall of 2011, where we wrote a song about our friendship. Here is a video with a performance of that smash hit, "When Worlds Collide." ;)

~You can read more posts I've shared on singleness by clicking here.

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Our Scars Tell Our Stories: Bex's Adoption Story

I'm excited that I have another guest post for ya'll! My dear friend Bex is sharing her story of open adoption. She's a birthmom to her son, Kip. She placed him for adoption in 2008, less than a year before I got pregnant with Lily. I knew about her story and reached out to her when I needed a friend and someone who understood what I was going through. She was that friend to me, helping me through my pregnancy and through my wrestling with the choice of adoption or parenting. Her friendship has been incredibly precious to me in how we've helped each other process our experiences. Besides Lily's father, she was literally the first person to know about her. I know you'll be blessed to read what she's written. She could have shared so much and I hope you'll follow along with her adoption story on Instagram to read much more (link at the end of the post). I wanted to share stories of people touched in multiple ways by adoption, to share the beautiful and the hard, because after all, adoption is born out of loss. It's incredibly important to truly hear other people's stories and perspectives. It helps us learn to be empathetic and loving when we get outside of our own bubbles and recognize we have much to learn from the experience of others. I pray Bex's words will especially touch those considering placing their child for adoption themselves and those who've adopted a child or are considering adoption one.

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I was 18, from a "good home," and I "knew better." I had run from hurt straight into more. I found myself carrying the baby of someone I didn't have a healthy relationship with.

"How will I tell the people I love that I am pregnant? What will they say and think? What if something happens and I don't actually have to deal with this?" Irresponsible. Dirty. Not good enough. Shame sneaks in and pins me down. My belly grows and there are now stretch marks... evidence of my mistake. Who would want me with this story and these scars?

I moved to Colorado to be with a friend and her family who took me in and loved the mess I was. They supported me in looking into all my options. Adoption was presented and I balked at the idea. I could never give my baby to a family I didn't know and go on living life wondering about him. Through the course of the summer I became educated about the option of adoption. When I learned about open adoption I knew this was the only way I could move forward in making an adoption plan. Open adoption means the birth family and adoptive family share personal/identifying information and communicate directly, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything beyond that...it's really up to the particular triad as to how that is handled and plays out.

God brought a couple into my life that "happened" to be working with the same agency I was. We built a relationship and began to move forward with the adoption plan. We talked about what it would look like for us to choose open adoption. We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it would be healthy and best for all of us. There isn't a contract of guidelines stating how the open adoption will work, so this means there has to be an abundance of grace for each other.

My labor and delivery was not at all what I planned. After many hours of no progression, my son, Kipling, was born via cesarean. November 1, 2008, 9:25p, 7lb 8 oz, 21 in. The days following I was healing from major surgery, trying to be a mom, and dealing with emotional and mental stress. All too soon it was time for us to part; I signed final relinquishment paperwork while holding him...it was surreal. He went home to his new life and I left empty handed and broken-hearted.

I did not seek post placement counseling....I was told the grief I felt was normal and it would eventually subside. I was told so often that I was brave and strong, which I *heard* as "you are strong, strong people aren't sad about decisions they've made like this." Looking back I realize that is not what was meant, but this is how I applied those words.

Not terribly long ago I was attending a birth (I am a doula) and a nurse said to the client, "you do all this work and then you get to take your baby home!" I about lost it because all I could think was "I did this and I didn't get to take my baby home." This pushed me to get professional counseling. Through counseling I was able to continue processing my birth story. One of the biggest things that came out of this was learning to not bottle my emotions up, because they would just be a huge mess near Kip's birthday, visits, and holidays. It's a process...I didn't finish that season of counseling having it all together. I'm so thankful to my counselor for the hours she put into listening to my story, letting me feel all the feels with no judgement, teaching me healthy ways to process grief, and for affirming what is true!

Bex, her husband Ben, and Kip at their wedding

There have been seasons when I've struggled with how our open adoption relationship functions, and seasons when it is everything I could hope for it to be. But this is the joy of openness...there is a relationship to be had! I'm so thankful E and L have always been open to me. And with that there is great peace and joy in knowing my little boy is happy, healthy, and so very loved. This is the tension of adoption, it is beautiful and hard.

Earlier I mentioned the shame and guilt I felt after finding out I was pregnant. There are still days when I don't remember Who I am in and the shame sneaks back in. There are still days when I look down and cringe at my stretch marks. But there are days I am able to rest in God's healing. He goes before and comes behind giving each piece of my story a purpose, banishing shame, and giving me grace and forgiveness.

If you are considering placing your child for adoption, I want you to know I am here for you. Feel free to follow my adoption story on Instagram @bex_tummymommy

Here is a beautiful video from Kip's Entrustment Ceremony.

"We pray that you'll always know that the reason that you have two families is not because you were loved less, but because you were loved more."

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Bex and I in Denver, Colorado in 2015.

Here are our friendship bracelets with our tattoos for the little ones who brought us together in friendship. She was one of the first to know the name that is now forever on my wrist.

Bex and I with Kip at his 3rd birthday party in 2011. :)

You can read all the posts I've shared about Bex and Kip by clicking here.

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A Story of Hope for National Adoption Month

I'm excited that I have a few guest blog posts coming your way. Today I am sharing my cousin Hope's adoption story. November is National Adoption Month and I will be highlighting a couple different stories of adoption (just a bit late). I think it's incredibly important to truly hear other people's stories and perspectives. It helps us learn to be empathetic and loving when we get outside of our own bubbles and recognize we have much to learn from the experiences of others. Hope was adopted from China at 17-months and has been such a gift to my family. She just fits. Out of all the billions of people in the world, God so clearly chose her for us and us for her. :) Hope's mother is my mother's sister. I appreciate Hope's transparency. She is currently a nursing student at James Madison University and has a heart for others. She is kind, she is funny and exuberant and though I might be biased, I think she is one special gal.

Hope and I over Thanksgiving... I am trying to find photos of us when we were little

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I think many people have misconceptions about adoption. Maybe they believe that it's out of their reach, maybe they question their parenting abilities, or maybe they're afraid or unsure of what actually happens during the process, but to me, adoption is one of the most sacrificial actions a couple can take to become a parent. To actually love and take in someone that doesn't look like you, someone that might not even speak your language, is the ultimate act of breaking down cultural barriers and discrimination. Often times our society celebrates the grandiosity of childbirth, all the while forgetting that there are children born every day who are left as orphans. You can't accidentally adopt a child, but you can have an unplanned pregnancy. Adoption is deliberate and intentional. Now I'm not one to slam having a biological birth. In fact, I would like to have my own birth children someday (but not anytime soon because I'm literally so single right now). But what I'm trying to say is that no one should feel ashamed for being adopted, they are not forgotten, but chosen.

My adoption story starts on a February day, when I was much shorter, fatter, and younger. The social worker handed me off to my bright-eyed mom, cheeks glistening with tears as my dad's shaky home video camera captured the whole moment. During the first two days, my parents kept calling me by my wrong Chinese name, but I didn't care. I was Hope. When they brought me home, I was met with warm salutations.

Growing up, my parents never hid the fact that I was adopted. I mean, at some point, they'd have to explain why I looked different from them. They never tried to stifle my culture or make me feel ashamed of it. In fact, when I was younger, we used to celebrate Chinese New Year and we still stay in contact with the families who adopted children through the same agency we went through. I'm not going to lie to you and say that my childhood was perfect, and yes, there have been times where I have thought about my birth parents and what my life could've been. But I am here now, my life is good, and for awhile, I didn't think much about my race or how much adoption has shaped my life.

My parents treated me so much like their own that at times I forgot that I was even Asian. I went to a small, private middle school and even high-school, so I was somewhat sheltered from criticisms that come with my race. It wasn't until I went to a large state college that I truly became aware of myself. People change so much in their early 20's so I guess it really was a proper time to grow my autonomy and become secure in my identity.

During my freshman year, I became best friends with a girl from my church. She is Latina (Mexican to be exact) and she would always invite me to her family gatherings, where I would be the only "non-Latina." Most of her family only spoke Spanish so I had a great opportunity to utilize my very limited Spanish that I learned in high-school and actually use it in conversation. I learned many Spanish slang words and I can say I am conversational now, working on fluency. Her madre (mother) taught me how to cook posole (a Mexican tomato soup with chicken, chickpeas, and lettuce) and I became a fanatic for REAL tacos, not that Taco Bell stuff. My friends taught me Spanish dances such as bachata, salsa, merengue, cumbia, and corridos and we always have a fiesta when we are together. Most times, I feel more comfortable with my Latino friends than my peers on campus. My friend's family culturally "adopted" me, I was their mija (affectionate name to call a daughter). Now there was a period during my sophomore and junior year where this really bothered me, seeing her being so comfortable with HER culture and knowing that regardless of if I was with my adoptive parents or her family, I still was the fish out of water. I often felt left out, questioning my cultural identity. Disclaimer: my parents never made me feel unaccepted, my displaced cultural situation was an automatic consequence of my adoption. I am bound to feel "out of place."

But see the thing is, throughout all this I've come to realize that my life situation makes me unique. How many people have met an Asian who was adopted by white American parents yet is culturally Hispanic? Whereas in the past, I felt out of place, but now I know that I'm right where I need to be. We as humans love to make boxes and keep people in those boxes. Adoption breaks all boundaries and upsets the neatly organized picture in our heads and forces one to create a new scene, create a new picture, one that has never been drawn before. With so much hate in this world towards people of different skin tones, I disagree that "not seeing color" is the correct response. You are allowed to see color. You are allowed to see race. You're just not allowed to judge someone BASED on their race. I want you to be able to see me as fully Asian and fully Latina and fully American because guess what, that's who I am. Denying a part of me is denying my entirety.

Bumma!!!

Adoption is beautiful because I know God put me exactly in the places and situations He's called me to. God brought together a perfect cultural family for me, He has given me a culture I am comfortable with. He has given me parents I am beyond grateful for. He really had something up His sleeve when He paired me with my mom and dad! I am never mad at my biological parents, I have never held anything against them. They gave up their daughter, completely took a risk and trusted that I'd end up with a family that cared for me. I am never mad at my adoptive parents (okay, except for when I was a disgruntled teenager), I have never held anything against them. They adopted a daughter, completely took a risk and trusted that our family would be all they hoped it to be. But let me tell you mom and dad, our family is beyond what you could have ever Hoped for.

Thank you God for making me who I am. Gracias a Dios para hacerme quien soy. 感谢上帝让我成为我

Blessings y Saludos,

Hope

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A Guest Post from Lindy

Today, I have a very special guest post, written by my dear friend, Lindy, who was in my basic semester at Ellerslie this past fall. The Lord had many purposes for bringing me to Ellerslie when He did. I know partly because I was supposed to meet Bonnie, Sierra and Lindy. Lindy lives only thirty minutes from me and that is not by accident. Read this powerful testimony of how God is giving her a burden for the unborn and their mothers. Lindy wrote it on March 16, as a birthday present to Lily. :-) I asked Lindy to write a guest post sharing her journey, yet didn't know exactly what I had in mind. Only after reading what she wrote did I realize it was exactly what I had in mind.

Lindy and I with Eric Ludy at a recent conference in NC

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This is a story of God at work behind the scenes. What I am sharing may at first seem to be insignificant, unconnected bits of history, but don't be fooled by appearances! These are bits and pieces from the last 5 years of my life, and it is only now that I'm beginning to see a glimpse of how masterfully God is weaving it all together!

In the summer of 2007, while preparing for a missions trip, I met Mrs. Jan, a woman who simply radiates with love for God. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the very first thing we ever did one on one was pray together! Fast forward several years. God had placed on my heart the idea of beginning a prayer shawl ministry (knitting or crocheting shawls to give to those who are ill or grieving as a tangible reminder of the prayer on their behalf) at my church. I gathered information, prayed, and spoke to someone whose input I valued greatly, (Mrs. Jan), but never felt God's leading to move forward. Though I continued to knit and give the shawls, it never came together as a ministry on a larger scale.

In 2010 I graduated from highschool. I knew that college was not where God wanted me, and He was also closing doors for my long cherished dream of owning a yarn shop. This past fall I had the opportunity to attend a semester at Ellerslie, another long cherished dream. While there, God drew me nearer to Himself than ever before, and greatly deepened my desire to obey and follow Him. Something else happened too... I met Hannah Rose! We discovered that we lived only half an hour apart, and had a wonderful time discussing familiar landmarks and planning what we could do together once back in NC. 

Toward the end of the semester, Eric gave a sermon titled "The Company of Heros", in which he boldly addressed the horror of abortion and what our response must be. While Eric was speaking to us, God was speaking to me. I didn't know when, where, or how, but right then I knew God was leading me to stand on behalf of those unborn babies and the women carrying them. Though slightly overwhelmed by the possibility, I was so excited by what God was doing in my heart! One passing thought that afternoon, "...and I could knit baby blankets..." God also made it very apparent that, out of over 70 basic students from all over the world, it was no accident that Hannah Rose and I lived 30 minutes apart. 

I arrived home knowing what God wanted me to pursue, but not having the slightest idea of where to start! He gave me only step 1: email Mrs. Jan and get her input. (She is very involved in the pro-life arena.) We rarely got to see each other anymore, but still had a special connection. I sent her a message asking if we could get together, not explaining why, and suggesting a Friday. Her response left me laughing in sheer amazement at the greatness of my God. "On Friday mornings I go pray at an abortion clinic. Would you pray about going with me sometime?" Isn't He just amazing?

Needless to say, I went with her to the clinic. When we got there, I told her why I had wanted to get together in the first place. She told me that she had been asking God specifically for a young woman to join her at the clinic! Less than two minutes later, she mentioned something else... baby blankets!

I now go once a week with Mrs. Jan to pray at the clinic. Hannah Rose has also joined us, and her friendship is a gift from God! The vision of a prayer shawl ministry is now coming together in a different form - a ministry to make baby blankets for the mothers who choose to keep their babies. The ministry will, God willing, begin officially in June. It will be called "Knit Together" (Psalm 139:13), a name precious to me because it speaks of God's love for the unborn, but also because it so perfectly captures how God has faithfully orchestrated every detail of my life to lead me here.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus ^for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10) In the sermon I mentioned earlier, Eric defined Christianity as a recruitment office - God is the One who assigns, and we are each responsible to obey, trusting Him to guide and enable. The point isn't doing something big and exciting for God, but coming to Him daily, saying "Here I am, please use me." I pray that God shows you, as He is showing me, the beauty of a life yielded to Him. the way may not always seem clear, challenges will come, but be assured, it is the sweetest way, for Jesus is there with every step!

I pray that God gives you boldness, strength, and joy as you step out in Him!

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I hope this post has greatly encouraged you, dear reader! If you feel the Lord gently nudging you to step out in the Pro-Life arena, trust He will guide you each step of the way! Don't think "I am only one person, what can I do?" God uses just one person all the time. He has a plan for each of us and what's important is that we obey Him, even if nobody ever sees what we're doing except Him. That goes not only for working in the Pro-Life ministry, but any ministry. 

The first "Knit Together" baby blanket will be given in honor of Lily! :-)

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