29 and Feeling Fine

My 29th birthday was this month, on August 12th, and I thought it'd be fun to share highlights/memories/milestones from each of my 29 years thus far 😄❤️🌹🎈🎉🎂🎁 #1989baby :

1 - I was probably being all adorable and learning to walk and talk. 😇

2 - Doing what 2-year-olds do... Hopefully growing some more hair. 😜

3 - Definitely noticing kitties by this age. 🐱

4 - My sweet little sister Emmaline was born. I still remember holding her for the first time and how much I loved babies even then. 🍼

5 - I used to line all my dolls and stuffed animals up to attend school and I was their teacher. 🍎 I also liked to report the news. Once I very seriously reported that "George Washington had a very had day today." ;)

6 - Some of my fondest memories are of living in the country in Earlysville, Virginia. I loved having big twin brothers to go on fun adventures with! 😍

7 - I got my first American Girl doll for Christmas that year and thus began my great love for AG.

8 - Moved to Carolina for the first time 🌻

9 - Met my childhood best friend 👭 ... nearly choked to death, but my mother saved my life 😯🙏

10 - Attended public school for the first time 😳

11 - Hello, acne 😩

12 - Middle school. 'Nough said. All I can say is I would definitely not wish to relive those years of awkwardness and mean kids. 😒

13 - There was a group of us 5 best friends that we called "the Quints" 😄

14 - Started high-school 😎

15 - Got my Driver's Permit 🚙

16 - Spent my sweet 16 birthday at Emerald Isle... got my Driver's License! 🌊🐚

17 - Traveled to NYC and Colorado for the first time... Graduated from high-school! 🌃 🎓

18 - Went to college in Tennessee and ran on the cross-country team ✏️

19 - Most difficult year of my life. God used the experiences of this year and the next to transform my life and teach me how beautiful redemption is. ❤️

20 - My sweet Lily girl was born! 💕🌸

21 - A lot of blogging and healing 💻 ... Worked at an Italian restaurant. 🇮🇹🍴

22 - Started public speaking and sharing my story around the country! 🎤 Spent a season at Ellerslie in Colorado 🌻 ... Got into photography  📷

23 - Remember how I started loving American Girl as a girl? Well, this year I got to go to the AG store in Chicago and I was probably more excited than I should have been. My cousin Daniel aptly described it when he said it was my childhood dream come true... just 15 years late. 😏 I nannied a lot that year.

24 - Decided to go back to school to finish my undergrad degree! Volunteered at a Pregnancy Center... My brother Joseph and bestie Kala got married! 💍

25 - Quarter of a century! Got involved with the Perinatal Bereavement Committee at the hospital in Raleigh where Lily was born and created my comfort boxes for families walking through infant loss. 💕

26 - I graduated with my Bachelors Degree and my amazing niece Harvest was born! Spent another season in Colorado! 🎓

27 - Bumma went to be with Jesus

28 - Moved to Virginia on an adventure of trusting God and growing as a person.

29 - Starting my Masters program (oh yeah, I still have to share that news with you all!)... who knows what else?? 😍💭 #29andfeelingfine

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He Numbers Our Days

There are so many posts I need to share!

August 12th was my 29th birthday. I always get reflective about life and Lily around this time of year. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 29 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~Psalm 139:16

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The Difference Between Us

Do you want to know what the difference is between the two babies represented by these birth certificates?

The difference is 20 years between birth dates. The difference is Virginia and North Carolina. The difference is merely an ounce between birth weights, with the same length. There is not much difference in their looks either.

They both were full-term baby girls when they were born. They both bear the names of flowers. They are both immensely loved.

Yet, one was born with breath and the other was not. One got to grow up and the other didn't. One celebrated her 29th birthday a few days ago and the other never will.

One is me and the other is my daughter.

That one breath changed the fact that I got one kind of birth certificate and she got another.

One. Single. Breath.

Separates her mattering and counting in other's minds versus not.

It shouldn't. ❤️

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My 28th Birthday! 🎉

I turned 28 on August 12th! ❤️ 🎁 🎈🌹

It was a fun day... week... okay, let's be honest... month of celebrating! 😄 🎉

I want to share a few of the gifts I received that remind me of Lily...

This gift is from my friend, Ashley.

These are from my friend, Bex.

These are from my friend, Lissy. She told me that when she got them in Australia, the lady asked who they were for and she was able to share a bit about my story with her and the significance of butterflies to me. :)

This is from my friend/Bible study leader, Terri. You'd think my friends know I like butterflies or something. ;)

My friend Bethany wrote Lily's name in the sand on my birthday at Big Sandy Camp in McGregor, Minnesota next to her boy, Noah, who is friends with Lily. 😌 

She wrote, "Can't wait to see them in Heaven playing, laughing, and dancing together in the presence of Jesus! 💜 💙 "

My birthday cake! The strawberry cake from Whole Foods is my favorite! 😍 🎂 🍰 🍓

Virginia tulips from my brother, Joseph, and sister-in-law, Kala! 🌷 💐

A beautiful rainbow in Crozet on my birthday. Thanks to my sweet friend Elise for capturing this photo for me. I have so much hope and anticipation to see what the Lord holds in store for this next year of my life. 🌈

I spent my birthday in Virginia and loved being around friends and family. Several family members woke me up to sing "happy birthday" at 7:48 a.m. (my birth minute). It's tradition. :) My mom made us a yummy breakfast and my Aunt Ellie made me special birthday coffee.

We ate dinner at one of my favorite places, Blue Mountain Brewery. For one thing, the scenery there is breathtaking, and for another, I went there many times with Bumma, so it reminds me of her. 🍔

So for the highlight of my birthday... Anyone who knows me well knows how much of an impact Corrie ten Boom has had on my life. I don't think I've ever not quoted her when giving a speech. I say that even though she went to be with the Lord before I was born, I still consider her one of my closest friends and I greatly look forward to one day meeting her. :)

Bumma knew how much I love her and told me years ago about a book she wanted me to have, but she didn't know where it was. Bumma was friends with a gal from college who knew Corrie ten Boom well and actually travelled with her. She gave Bumma a signed copy of The Hiding Place, which is my very favorite book. She had no idea where it was though.

As we've been working on cleaning out Bumma's house a lot this summer, I thought of the book and hoped we'd somehow find it. I mentioned it to all my family and asked them to be on the lookout for it, but was honestly not very optimistic because Bumma literally owned thousands of books and many had already been given away. 

Well on my birthday, several boxes of books were about to be donated when my mom said she wanted to look through them first and what do ya know, there was the signed copy! Found on my birthday!! It made me tear up because it's something that means a lot to me and feels like a gift from Jesus/Bumma. Like it was just waiting to be found on August 12th. I know Bumma would be so happy I now have it. 😌 📚

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." ~Psalm 91:1

Since I spent my day in Virginia, I was thankful I was able to visit Bumma and Lily's spot that day. I came across this photo of Bumma and I at my 1st birthday party. I sure missed two of the most important people in my life on my special day!

Also, I'm sure you heard about the recent events in Charlottesville that made international news. Charlottesville is actually the city of my birth and it unfolded on my birthday. We were just a few miles down the road. It breaks my heart for my home area to be known for this... it's actually a lovely and charming area. And most of the people there were not Charlottesvillians, fyi. We went downtown a few days later and it was crazy to see all the news crews.

Jesus, how this broken world needs YOU, for You alone are true love, true peace, true life, true healing, true restoration, true unity.

"The church, God's 'Plan A' for rescuing the world, should stand as a place of refuge for people of every color. We are one race - the human race - united under one Savior - Jesus Christ - with one problem - sin - and united with one hope - the resurrection." ~J.D. Greear

Thank to for all the calls, texts, emails, gifts, etc... You helped make my day truly special and full of the people and things I love! ❤️

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He Numbers Our Days

Tomorrow, August 12th, is my 28th birthday. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 28 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~Psalm 139:16

I'm looking forward to spending my special day in Virginia, surrounded by friends and family... but I sure will be missing Lily and Bumma.

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The Difference Between Us

Do you want to know what the difference is between the two babies represented by these birth certificates?

The difference is 20 years between birth dates. The difference is Virginia and North Carolina. The difference is merely an ounce between birth weights, with the same length. There is not much difference in their looks either.

They both were full-term baby girls when they were born. They both bear the names of flowers. They are both immensely loved.

Yet, one was born with breath and the other was not. One got to grow up and the other didn't. One will celebrate her 28th birthday this week and the other never will.

One is me and the other is my daughter.

That one breath changed the fact that I got one kind of birth certificate and she got another.

One. Single. Breath.

Separates her mattering and counting in other's minds versus not.

It shouldn't. ❤️

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Lily Dollywood Gifts

My sweet friends Shelby and Stephanie brought me back these souvenirs from Dollywood! A "Lily" mug and a butterfly bell. 😍 ❤️  Even the "w" in Dollywood is made of a butterfly. This was actually a gift for my birthday last August, but I didn't get around to sharing it before now.

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He Numbers Our Days

Yesterday, August 12th, was my 27th birthday. 🎈🌹

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

me on the left and Lily on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 27 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

I'm clinging to the truth that the Lord numbered both of our days and is sovereign... "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." -Psalm 139:16

I had a wonderful birthday and the celebration is continuing this weekend in Virginia... will update more later. :)

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My 26th Birthday!

This post was in my drafts and I realized I never published it, so here it is a few months late.

I wore a "Lily" necklace and my butterfly earrings for my girl

On August 12th, I celebrated my 26th birthday. It was a wonderful day. I spent it in Virginia, the very area of the country that I was born, surrounded by treasured friends and family. 

my Birthday Eve sunset

the beautiful Virginia summer sky on my birthday

The weather was amazing, my Aunt Nana made French toast for breakfast, we went to the Charlottesville downtown mall to have dumplings for lunch, then found our way into a cat store. ;) 

it was appropriate to go here on my birthday

my darling grandmother 

We visited Lily's spot and took her a bouquet of pink roses. It was incredibly special to visit her on my day. 

Bumma and I at Lily's spot

pink roses for my little flower

with my brother, grandmother, and sister

sister, Emma, and I

We then went up on the mountain to admire the scenery. 

I'll never tire of those mountains

my brother, Adam, and his dog, Bernerd

To finish the day, we ate a delicious dinner at Blue Mountain Brewery. It was a beautiful evening with a breathtaking view and dear friends and family to enjoy it with. 

with my sister, her boyfriend, my brother, aunt, uncle, grandmother, and mother

my birthday dessert that I shared with everyone after they sang "happy birthday" to me

My sister-in-law sent me hilarious birthday memes all day. ;)

I'm looking forward to seeing what the Lord holds for me while I'm 26! Thanks for all the sweet birthday wishes!

I was born six days before my due date. I can't help but think how if Lily were also born six days before her due date, she would have most likely lived.

When my mom was in labor with me, my heart kept decelerating. The doctors were becoming increasingly alarmed and kept saying how they might have to do an emergency c-section. When I was born, the bottoms of my feet were dark and I was unresponsive at first. Obviously I quickly did become responsive and there were no lasting issues.

Things could have turned out entirely different on the day I was born. How easily my parents could have lost me. My own frailty and birth story is a reminder to me of everything I have lost with Lily. She was my mini-me, looking similar to me at birth, with almost the exact same measurements.

I'm on the left and Lily is on the right

She was just as real and loved as me. I could have easily slipped away on August 12th, 1989, just like Lily slipped away from me. The last 26 years my parents have had with me could have been erased in an instant... all the memories, the laughter, the knowing of who I was growing up and who I've grown up to become would have been no more. Lily wouldn't have even been had August 12th gone differently. Every August 12th since 1989 would have been much like every March 16th has been for me since 2010.

Having lost my own daughter, knowing many people who have or had infertility issues (including my parents) and those who've lost children in many different ways, and seeing how I myself could have nearly died is a reminder of just how precious life is, and what a miracle it is to be conceived, born alive, and have the gift of growing up. May we never forget what a beautiful thing it is to be alive.

Thinking about my own birth and all my life has held up until this point highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

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