My 28th Birthday! 🎉

I turned 28 on August 12th! ❤️ 🎁 🎈🌹

It was a fun day... week... okay, let's be honest... month of celebrating! 😄 🎉

I want to share a few of the gifts I received that remind me of Lily...

This gift is from my friend, Ashley.

These are from my friend, Bex.

These are from my friend, Lissy. She told me that when she got them in Australia, the lady asked who they were for and she was able to share a bit about my story with her and the significance of butterflies to me. :)

This is from my friend/Bible study leader, Terri. You'd think my friends know I like butterflies or something. ;)

My friend Bethany wrote Lily's name in the sand on my birthday at Big Sandy Camp in McGregor, Minnesota next to her boy, Noah, who is friends with Lily. 😌 

She wrote, "Can't wait to see them in Heaven playing, laughing, and dancing together in the presence of Jesus! 💜 💙 "

My birthday cake! The strawberry cake from Whole Foods is my favorite! 😍 🎂 🍰 🍓

Virginia tulips from my brother, Joseph, and sister-in-law, Kala! 🌷 💐

A beautiful rainbow in Crozet on my birthday. Thanks to my sweet friend Elise for capturing this photo for me. I have so much hope and anticipation to see what the Lord holds in store for this next year of my life. 🌈

I spent my birthday in Virginia and loved being around friends and family. Several family members woke me up to sing "happy birthday" at 7:48 a.m. (my birth minute). It's tradition. :) My mom made us a yummy breakfast and my Aunt Ellie made me special birthday coffee.

We ate dinner at one of my favorite places, Blue Mountain Brewery. For one thing, the scenery there is breathtaking, and for another, I went there many times with Bumma, so it reminds me of her. 🍔

So for the highlight of my birthday... Anyone who knows me well knows how much of an impact Corrie ten Boom has had on my life. I don't think I've ever not quoted her when giving a speech. I say that even though she went to be with the Lord before I was born, I still consider her one of my closest friends and I greatly look forward to one day meeting her. :)

Bumma knew how much I love her and told me years ago about a book she wanted me to have, but she didn't know where it was. Bumma was friends with a gal from college who knew Corrie ten Boom well and actually travelled with her. She gave Bumma a signed copy of The Hiding Place, which is my very favorite book. She had no idea where it was though.

As we've been working on cleaning out Bumma's house a lot this summer, I thought of the book and hoped we'd somehow find it. I mentioned it to all my family and asked them to be on the lookout for it, but was honestly not very optimistic because Bumma literally owned thousands of books and many had already been given away. 

Well on my birthday, several boxes of books were about to be donated when my mom said she wanted to look through them first and what do ya know, there was the signed copy! Found on my birthday!! It made me tear up because it's something that means a lot to me and feels like a gift from Jesus/Bumma. Like it was just waiting to be found on August 12th. I know Bumma would be so happy I now have it. 😌 📚

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." ~Psalm 91:1

Since I spent my day in Virginia, I was thankful I was able to visit Bumma and Lily's spot that day. I came across this photo of Bumma and I at my 1st birthday party. I sure missed two of the most important people in my life on my special day!

Also, I'm sure you heard about the recent events in Charlottesville that made international news. Charlottesville is actually the city of my birth and it unfolded on my birthday. We were just a few miles down the road. It breaks my heart for my home area to be known for this... it's actually a lovely and charming area. And most of the people there were not Charlottesvillians, fyi. We went downtown a few days later and it was crazy to see all the news crews.

Jesus, how this broken world needs YOU, for You alone are true love, true peace, true life, true healing, true restoration, true unity.

"The church, God's 'Plan A' for rescuing the world, should stand as a place of refuge for people of every color. We are one race - the human race - united under one Savior - Jesus Christ - with one problem - sin - and united with one hope - the resurrection." ~J.D. Greear

Thank to for all the calls, texts, emails, gifts, etc... You helped make my day truly special and full of the people and things I love! ❤️

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He Sees the Upper and I the Underside

I am haunted by newborn cries. It is a sound that will always wrap my soul in melancholy, I think. It is a sound that everyone expects to hear at the birth of a fullterm baby, not the dreadful silence I heard. Will I ever hear a cry from a newborn who is mine?

I imagine that when someone loses a baby and goes on to have another living and healthy child, the moment they finally hold their child in their arms is beautiful beyond description or comparison. A joy so deep and rich that can only be felt when deep sorrow is also felt.

I lost my baby. My one and only child. And I am still waiting more than half a decade later for my arms to be filled with a wiggling wee babe and my ears to hear a newborn cry and my eyes to lock with my child's eyes full of life.

Do you know how hard that is? 

Oh Lord, why do You see fit for me to wait what feels like is a never-ending length of time? I know there are many people waiting for unfulfilled longings. Why do some people seem to have everything happen so perfectly and how they want or expect, while others lives don't fit the mold? 

I'm tired of waiting. Lord, have You forsaken me? Have You forgotten me? Others talk about the deep joy and I am wondering if and when it'll ever be my turn to experience that? I want this season to pass.

The only peace I have is knowing God is sovereign and good, even when my feelings get so overwhelming and life feels confusing and frustrating. I am reminded of a beautiful poem about trusting God even when we don't understand because it is all for a purpose and is all in His hands. Right now, I see blemish, but I know He's weaving beauty.

"Life is but a Weaving” (the Tapestry Poem)

by Corrie ten Boom

My life is but a weaving

Between my God and me.

I cannot choose the colors

He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas

And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those

Who leave the choice to Him.

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The Auschwitz Within

In January, when I was in Washington D.C. for the Annual National March for LIFE, my mom and I visited the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum.

I had been wanting to go there for a long time, especially since I have become intrigued with the Holocaust over the past few years. I think the main reason for this is because of one of my favorite authors, Corrie ten Boom, who was a Christian living in Holland during World War II. She and her family had a "Hiding Place" in their home where they hid and protected Jews from the Nazis. Her story is so beautiful, though there is so much sadness in it. However, it proclaims that Jesus is triumphant and victorious always! I feel such a deep love for people who lived through this tragedy and am drawn to them.

We visited the Museum on January 27th and had no idea that it was International Holocaust Remembrance Day. We discovered this when we got stickers like in the photo below. I thought that was quite special to be there on that day of remembrance.

Here I am in front of the Museum.

As soon as I entered the Museum, tears came to my eyes as I looked around at the quotes on the wall.

Before you are taken on an elevator to the top floor to begin touring the Museum, you are given an Identification Card, with the name and story of someone who truly was a victim of the Holocaust. I randomly grabbed my card from the large stack of female cards. There are four floors of the Museum and each time you finish touring one floor, you read what is on that page and then turn the page to read the next page when you finish touring the next floor. At the end of the tour, you find out what happened to that specific person.

When I opened mine, I saw the name Liliana. Lily is often a nickname for the name Liliana. There are constantly reminders of my girl throughout my days. This Liliana was also born on the 16th of a month. I was thankful to learn that Liliana survived the Holocaust and emigrated to America in 1950.

As we went up to the top floor to begin the tour of the Museum, I was crying and was so deeply impacted by the videos and displays. I know some people doubt that the Holocaust ever truly happened, which is completely absurd. But, here in this Museum, is proof. There are clothes that the prisoners wore, personal items, pictures, videos, and materials from the camps. For anyone who doubts, what can they possibly say to this?

As we walked from one level to the next, something kept pressing on my heart more and more...maybe I am drawn to the Holocaust so much because I am living through the American Holocaust. Abortion. The Auschwitz Within. (Such an appropriate description. I got the title of this post from a Sermon by Eric Ludy. It is a must-watch. Click on the link to do so.) I believe my calling and a big purpose God has for me are to be a voice for LIFE, those in unplanned pregnancies, and those affected by abortion.

What happened in the Holocaust is dreadful, yet what is happening in abortion is just as dreadful. There have been millions more lives lost to abortion in the past 40 years than lives lost in the Holocaust. Yet, abortion is an accepted and even praised part of the culture.

Maybe it's easy for people to believe that abortion is okay because they don't allow themselves to think of these precious lives as real babies. They think they are just "blobs of tissue." Just as people choose to believe the Holocaust didn't happen, people choose to avoid the abortion issue. Is it easier to not be affected by the Holocaust or abortion if you don't see the truth with your own eyes? Somehow seeing it for oneself makes it seem more real. There can be no more excuses. No more explaining it away. No more justifications. When the reality of abortion is faced, I believe many eyes will be opened and hearts changed.

It is hard for people to see just what the Holocaust did. Yet, just because it's difficult doesn't mean it shouldn't be faced. It shows honor to acknowledge what happened to these people. Seeing these real items from this time period somehow makes ones heart grasp it in a deeper sense. I believe it is time that we see what abortion really is so that our hearts will grasp what it is truly doing to the unborn.

Some people are disturbed and disgusted to see Pro-Life activists marching around with graphic signs of aborted babies. I don't agree with those approach at all...however, if it's nothing more than a "blob of tissue," then what is there to get so upset over? Is it possibly because people are afraid that questions will start to be asked if the world begins to see what these babies look like at different gestational ages? And how they are unmistakably human.

Please, please take some time out of your day to watch this film called Baby Choice with Melody Green (Keith Green's wife).

-Also, please watch Here's the Blood.
-And click here to see developing baby images, abortion
procedure diagrams, and aborted baby images.

It struck me as so ironic that the United States has such a beautiful memorial to the lives lost in the Holocaust...yet we fight to keep the killing of the unborn legal. How do people not see how the quotes in the Museum pertain to the unborn?

Are we not going to speak out because we aren't the unborn?

Just as Liliana (whose Identification Card I had on my tour) is now being honored and remembered and is seen as worthy to be spoken for...I pray we start to see that babies like my Lily deserve to be honored, spoken for, fought for...

I pray that one day there will be a National Memorial that thousands visit, as a tribute to the millions of unborn children lost to abortion. And you know how many say about the Holocaust - how did the Americans and the world just sit back and let it happen? Well, I refuse for that to be said of me when generations from now look back on abortion. I refuse for them to ask, where were the advocates for these innocent ones? I want to do everything I can, everything God leads me to do, to be the voice, to fight with all my heart and strength so that my name will not be counted among those that did nothing.

Are you with me?

Remember, we are their witnesses (Isaiah 43:10). I pray we never forget it.

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." ~Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor

"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act." ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who died during the Holocaust

"The dismembering of a human being routinely in 30 minutes on an outpatient basis - or any other way - is barbaric. Four blocks from our church all year long - like churches within smelling distance of Auschwitz or Dachau or Buchenwald." ~John Piper

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Nothing too small for His love

Corrie Ten Boom is one of my spiritual heroes. I find that so many of her stories, I carry around with me and recall them throughout my days and in different circumstances of life. Here is a story from Corrie's message, Effectual Fervent Prayer. She talks about how nothing is too small for God's love:

I learned that in the difficult class of life’s school when I was a prisoner. When you are in a difficult class, then you learn much, especially when the teacher is good, and my teacher was the Holy Spirit. And He taught me so much. And one of the things was about there’s nothing too small for God’s love. I was a few days in the concentration camp, and I said to my sister, “Betsy, I’ve caught a cold and I have no handkerchief. What must I do?” Betsy said, “Pray.” I did the same like you. I laughed. But she didn’t laugh. She folded her hands and said, “Father, in Jesus name I pray that you will give Corrie a handkerchief. She has caught a cold. Amen.” And she had hardly said “Amen” when I heard that they called out my name and there stood a friend of mine, a fellow prisoner, who worked in the hospital. I said, “You’ve come, Tomika. You visit me.” And she said, “No, no, I have no time. I just come to bring you a little present.” And she gave me a very small package, and I opened it and it was a handkerchief. I said, “How in the world did you know that I needed a handkerchief?” She said, “I found an old sheet, and I was sewing handkerchiefs from that old sheet, and when I was busy there was a voice in my heart who said, ‘Bring a handkerchief to Corrie Ten Boom.’” Can you understand what a handkerchief tells you in such a moment? That there is a Father in Heaven who hears it when on a very small planet, the earth, some one of His children prays for impossible small things, for a hankie, and that Father in Heaven tells one of His other children, “Give a handkerchief to Corrie Ten Boom.” That is the foolishness of God. But the foolishness of God is the greatest wisdom. And I learned so much by that handkerchief. 


Just imagine when your little child or grandchild cries because an old doll is broken. And she brings that doll to her daddy. She says, “Oh Daddy, my doll is broken.” What does Daddy say? “Oh girl, put it away. That doll is not worth a dime.” No, Daddy doesn’t say that. He says, “That’s too bad. Come here, come to Daddy. I will try to mend it.” And that grown up man tries to repair that old doll. How in the world, can a grown up man give so much time to such a valueless thing as a broken doll? Because he sees it through the eyes of the little one. Because he loves the little one. And so God sees your problems through your eyes because He loves you. ~Corrie Ten Boom


"There’s nothing too great for God’s power. There’s nothing too small for His love." ~Corrie Ten Boom


Oh Jesus, may we trust that You care about the smallest details of our lives! May we learn so much by that handkerchief. And may You show us in our own lives Your great love.

Here is a small reminder in my life that nothing is too small for my God's love:

Lily is layed to rest in my hometown of Crozet, Virginia. I live in North Carolina though, so I don't get to go up there often. I don't get to take flowers and things to her grave much, so it means a lot to me when others think to do so. I haven't been able to afford a headstone for Lily, which really bothers me. So, even when people go to visit Lily's spot, they can't find her. The only thing there was a windchime. My dear friend, Elise, took her a birthday balloon and flowers on her special day. It is really important to me to get Lily a permanent headstone. Maybe this doesn't mean much to others, but it does to me. You see, Lily is my only child. She is the only one I can do anything for on earth. I don't have other children to care for. And it feels like it will be honoring her when I can get her a headstone. Permanent engraved words that say, she was real. She was here. She had weight in this world. So, people can go visit her and easily find where she is because her name is clearly marked, for all to see. I really have no idea when I will be able to get a headstone for Lily.

The reason I am sharing all this is because Jesus cares about the smallest matters in our lives. He knows how important it is for me to have something there, as a special marking for Lily. Around Lily's birthday, my Aunt Nana took a beautiful angel statue to Lily's grave. I haven't been able to see it in person yet, but I can't wait to! It feels like something special, just for her. Now, I can tell people to look for the beautiful angel statue. This means so much to me to have something there until I can get a permanent marker. Isn't it amazing that my Jesus would lay that on her heart, when she had no idea how much that would mean to me. I want to plant some flowers around her spot once the headstone is in. I know that my Jesus cares about a headstone for Lily because I do. I am His daughter, and just as a father mends the broken doll of his daughter, how much more does our Heavenly Father care for us!

Not very good picture quality, but here is the statue.

I see that my God cares about the small things in our lives, in my life. And I know that one day, I will have a headstone for Lily. I am praying that He will provide that for me, just as He provided a handkerchief for Corrie.

The entrance to the cemetery where Lily is buried. It's called Hillsboro Cemetery, so if you live 

anywhere near Crozet, Virginia or are passing through that area, I'd love it if you stopped by! Look for the angel statue! And pretty soon, there will be a permanent headstone there too :-)

Taking flowers to my girl.

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