Thursday, June 3, 2010

But a Vapor

Lily has been put to rest in Virginia, nearly 250 miles from where I lay my head each night. I knew I wanted her to be buried there, in my hometown, next to her great-aunt, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandparents. The place that I will most likely be buried one day. But I also knew how hard it would be not to be able to go visit her whenever I want. I have her things to remind me of her, but I can't go to a specified location and know she is there.

The miles separate us. The grave separates us. He reminds me, I am stronger than the grave. I overcame the grave. Yes.

Last month, for the first time since her funeral, I visited Lily where she rests deep within the earth. As we pulled into the cemetery, on a day much like it was the last time I was near her, chills went up my spine. At the entrance, it is marked 'Hillsboro Cemetery.' Upon seeing this, my heart skipped a beat. My breath caught in my throat as I attempted with all my might to fight back the tears. Tears that care not who is around. There is not a marking for Lily yet, so if one didn't know where to look, they wouldn't find where she is. The only trace left behind from that day in late March when my daughter was put into the earth, was the outline of where the dirt had been dug out. It couldn't have been more than two by four feet, silently telling all that will hear that who lays there was but a child. A child that left far before she should have. The hole was just wide enough to fit her Moses' basket. I wanted her to be cozy down there.

I'm sorry I can't be near you, dear baby. I'm sorry I can't come visit you like I want to. Oh, please know how much I long to.

How strange it seemed, knowing her body was several feet within the ground. My mind does not need to go to that place. I can't let it wonder to thoughts of her there. The last time she was alive was inside of me. It feels like something is missing in me. I wanted to dig her out of the earth, as fast as my hands and arms would work. I wanted to get her out of there, so she could breathe. So I could hold her. So she could be free. My silly flesh, playing tricks on me. She is free, He gently reminds me. That's not her. Just her earthly shell. She is safe at home, in the arms of Jesus. I sat silently. Still. Drinking in the presence of my Lord. He whispered quietly to my soul, Rest in me. She is with me, so stay with me. There you know you won't be far from her.

I'm sure you like the little lamb in the pink basket your great-grandmother left for you. I hope you also enjoy the Mountain Laurel we left for you, Lily. It was picked at Massanutten...remember you were there in October and I told you how the leaves were changing into the most beautiful of hues. I couldn't wait for you to see them yourself. You haven't seen anything yet, you laugh as you play in the sunshine with the Creator of all things good and lovely. Remain in my heart, little girl. I will always carry you there.

All flesh is grass, fading away.
Only You last, only You remain.
All flesh is grass, fading away.
Only You last, Only You remain...
the same, You never change.

Surely man is like the flower of the field,
And life is but a vapor, at best it's but a vapor.
Surely man is like a flower of the field,
And the fragrance but a vapor, at best it's but a vapor.

But, You O God,
are better than a thousand blooms.
-Misty Edwards







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This post left me:

13 comments:

  1. It warmed my heart to know that you placed her in her Moses' basket. What a sweet mother you are. {{HUGS}}

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  2. Oh, I know how you feel tonight. We went and visited our little man's resting place today. It hurts, hurts, hurts. The wounds are fresh and deep. I so wanted to hold him in my arms rather than my heart, but that is everyday. God be with you! Prayers!!

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  3. Oh dear Hannah I am sad for you on this day and tears come to my eyes, but I am comforted because I know the hope written on your heart. Hope for you and Lily's future together with the One who has given you both Life. I love you and I love Lily and I wish she was here, a junior city-girl, of sorts. She's waiting for you not in the earth but all around you with Jesus. And I know that God grants her time supernatural here around you on earth. She is never far, for where you find Jesus I believe that you will find pure, sweet Lily not far behind.

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  4. Just tears looking at that picture of you bowed down in front of her grave....my heart aches for you because I know that hurt and how deeply it stings.

    Nothing prepares you for how small that little square is....how precious that little body was to you...still is to you, even though you know what's happened to it. People tell me all the time not to be sad because it's just his body--HE's in Heaven....and I know that.

    But I loved, loved, loved that precious little body.

    I adored it. I miss it.

    Oh, sweet girl...my heart aches for you right now.

    So much love!!

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  5. It looks like a beautiful cemetery. And the picture of you over her just touched me.

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  6. Sweet Girl,
    I got chill bumps reading this. How you so beautifully conveyed the same exact feelings that I battle with every day.
    I am so very sorry that you can't be closer to the place where your Sweet Lily's body rests, but know that she's not there! That she is with her Heavenly Father! :) There is no better place to be...
    Tears spilled from my eyes as I read this, girl.
    I know what you're going through. I know your heart, and your hurt. And I ache for you, that you are having to walk the same road as me.
    The picture of you kneeling touched my heart, broke my heart. Such a beautiful picture :)And beautiful flowers for such a beautiful little girl. Doesn't even compare...
    I don't know you, Hannah. But my heart feels so close to yours.
    Praying for you as you continue down the road that we call grief.

    Love Always,
    Desiree

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  7. Oh it looks beautiful and so peaceful there. I know every time I go to the cemetary, I cannot believe this is what I'm doing...going to see my daughter. It hurts. I know you may not be able to go there to visit as often as you would like, but she's in your heart and all around you. Every time you speak, write here or think of her, she's close by. (((HUGS)))

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  8. What a beautiful post. I love the poem, thank you for sharing. The cemetery looks lovely and the picture of you over her is truly moving. *hug*

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  9. Hannah thank you so much for sharing your inner-most thoughts and fears. I believe I speak for many of us when I say you are not alone. We all feel these things. I'm glad your sweet Lily has a beautiful resting place near family. I often wonder what happened to my sweet angel after my D & C. Was he/she just tossed out with the hazardous materials? I have no final resting spot for my precious one and it so hurts my heart and bothers me so. Please send my hugs and kisses to your baby next time youf visit. ((Hugs))

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  10. I'm glad you were able to visit Lily. Our son is buried about 1000 miles from where we are right now, so I can relate. Even though I knew he wasn't there, it was really important to me to be able to be there for his first birthday since we don't get to visit much. You are right though, our babies aren't really there, which is a comfort. I am thankful for that promise!

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  11. I can't imagine having my baby buried so far away, that must be so hard at times. I do however understand how much comfort also comes from having her buried with family. Yes our minds know they aren't really there, but as I have often said in the 5 months since God took Caleb home... the heart doesn't always understand what the mind already knows.

    Is this the cemetary in Leesburg? I travel to Loudon County for my prenatal care... I will try to make some extra time to go visit your sweet girl the next time I'm up there. <3

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    Replies
    1. I realized I never responded to this! Sorry! No, this is a cemetery in Crozet, Virginia

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