Pieces of My Motherhood

Real heartbeat

Unique DNA

My Luke Shiloh

A new name

He gave me

"Mother"

Only 6 weeks

Too soon with Jesus

Missed all my life

Another heartbeat

Unique DNA

My Lily Katherine

Memories held dear

Pregnancy to birth

My first-born

40 glorious weeks

Sacred and sweet

Beautiful girl missed

A not-yet heartbeat

Unique DNA

My hoped-for baby

I pray more than weeks

But a lifetime to raise

His will be done

All my babies -

First child of my heart,

First-born,

Future first-to-raise -

Irreplaceable pieces of my motherhood

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Spring is Coming...

*This was originally posted on March 20th, 2012*

Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started. In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming so beautifully and the sun grew stronger on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on, the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. 

Spring and Lily...they came together.

I see the hand of my God in choosing for Lily's birthday, the genesis of Spring, and Easter to all be within just a couple weeks of each other. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! 

There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, as well as on her 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays, it was dark and gloomy out, and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue can be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by tears of happiness and tears of sadness. 

With spring, comes new LIFE, fresh hope. Even here on earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. Through my own sin and sorrow, He is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way. I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting LIFE through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16 

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity! 

My mom saw a glorious rainbow this morning, stretching all the way from one side of the sky to the other. She said the colors were so vibrant and amazing. How appropriate for this first day of spring. :-)

So with this change of season, may we each cling to the HOPE that's Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and spring out of sorrow and winter. Both here on earth...and for all Eternity. 

Spring is coming. Hallelujah! 

  

"Our LORD has written the promises of THE RESURRECTION, not in books alone, but in every leaf in Springtime." ~Martin Luther

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

This is a song off Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, spring, and the promise I have in Christ. May you be blessed by it today as well.

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Therapy for the Soul

I want to share a musician who the Lord brought into my life during the most difficult days I've known. This month, I have been reflecting a lot on August 2009. I want to share bits and pieces of my testimony and the things God used to change my life, in hopes that it will bless others as well. It was that month that my Aunt Sarah gave me a CD by an artist named David Teems. He reads Scripture, with soft piano music playing in the background and soft waves crashing in the distance. It's truly unlike anything I've ever heard.

My heart was in such turmoil at that point in my life. When I heard this CD, I cannot fully convey the peace it brought my heart. I would fall asleep to it nearly every night that August. It was so powerful to have that Scripture, that truth, being spoken over me in my darkest hour. The Scripture was truly food for my hungry soul and water for my thirsty spirit. I was captivated with the beauty of God's Word. He romanced my soul with it. It was during this season that God changed everything for me. I still fall asleep listening to David Teems and it brings me back to that time. It makes me feel that deep desire for my Jesus.

It was during this time that God radically changed my life in such a short amount of time that I heard this Scripture on the David Teems CD. I claimed them as my verses for that season of my life. He was asking me to trust Him, that He was fighting for me and I need only to be still and know.

"Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." ~Exodus 14:13
"The Lord WILL fight for you; you need only to be still." ~Exodus 14:14
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:14

The two CD's that are my favorites are called "Hope" and "More Hope." My Aunt Sarah also gave me one called "In the Mourning" after losing Lily. The track that affected me the most is entitled, "I Am Poured Out Like Water." All the CD's are very affordable and completely worth it!! I have played them probably hundreds of times. It is a great way to memorize Scripture as well. David has such a soothing voice, especially mixed with the piano and waves. On the actual CD, he doesn't cite what Scripture it is, but it is cited in the CD case. He reads a little from different passages and puts them all together. You can purchase the transcripts for each CD on his website.

Description of David's music from his website:

"...this music offers the listener a moments quiet in the midst of all the gathering noise of the age. In this recording, many textures are woven together to form a structure that will settle warm and tranquil on the soul, and will ask little of you but to listen. The rich poetry of the scripture will touch the untouched in you, and with the voice of soft command."

"This series combines the beauty and reflective emptiness of a solo piano with well chosen scriptures. The voice comes with a soothing type of command, and the music is hardly there at all. It is the artful economy between the two that makes the difference, as well as something unknown that will not be explained."

"These CD's together can offer a timely, sensitive, and power-laden therapy for the soul."

Purchase David's music here. On the website, you are able to listen to each song. At some point in the near future, I hope to give away one of these CD's on this blog, so stay tuned! :)

Here is an example of David Teems' work:

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Spring is Coming...

Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started. In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming so beautifully and the sun grew stronger on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on, the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. 

Spring and Lily...they came together.

I see the hand of my God in choosing for her to be born right before the genesis of spring. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! 

There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, as well as on her 1st and 2nd birthdays, it was dark and gloomy out, and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue can be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by tears of happiness and tears of sadness. 

With spring, comes new LIFE, fresh hope. Even here on earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. Through my own sin and sorrow, He is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way. I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting LIFE through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16 

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity! 

My mom saw a glorious rainbow this morning, stretching all the way from one side of the sky to the other. She said the colors were so vibrant and amazing. How appropriate for this first day of spring. :-)

So with this change of season, may we each cling to the HOPE that's Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and spring out of sorrow and winter. Both here on earth...and for all Eternity. 

Spring is coming. Hallelujah! 

  

"Our LORD has written the promises of THE RESURRECTION, not in books alone, but in every leaf in Springtime." ~Martin Luther

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

This is a song off Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, spring, and the promise I have in Christ. May you be blessed by it today as well.

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New Life

A friend of the family shared this with me the weekend of Lily's memorial service:


Bob wrote, "After Tim shared, I thought I'd seen something wonderful around that time too. First flowers of Spring on March 16th." (Lily's birthday)

With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life all around me bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. We wait. We anticipate. Spring and Lily, they came together. Now, spring will always remind me of the time Lily came...and went. Ahh, spring is so bittersweet. Lily came and because of her life, she brought me new life, changing my heart forever. Although she left so soon, I know she has eternal life.


What a sweet and beautiful God we serve, to give me such a glorious promise of life, on the most difficult day I've known.

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But a Vapor

Lily has been put to rest in Virginia, nearly 250 miles from where I lay my head each night. I knew I wanted her to be buried there, in my hometown, next to her great-aunt, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandparents. The place that I will most likely be buried one day. But I also knew how hard it would be not to be able to go visit her whenever I want. I have her things to remind me of her, but I can't go to a specified location and know she is there.

The miles separate us. The grave separates us. He reminds me, I am stronger than the grave. I overcame the grave. Yes.

Last month, for the first time since her funeral, I visited Lily where she rests deep within the earth. As we pulled into the cemetery, on a day much like it was the last time I was near her, chills went up my spine. At the entrance, it is marked 'Hillsboro Cemetery.' Upon seeing this, my heart skipped a beat. My breath caught in my throat as I attempted with all my might to fight back the tears. Tears that care not who is around. There is not a marking for Lily yet, so if one didn't know where to look, they wouldn't find where she is. The only trace left behind from that day in late March when my daughter was put into the earth, was the outline of where the dirt had been dug out. It couldn't have been more than two by four feet, silently telling all that will hear that who lays there was but a child. A child that left far before she should have. The hole was just wide enough to fit her Moses' basket. I wanted her to be cozy down there.

I'm sorry I can't be near you, dear baby. I'm sorry I can't come visit you like I want to. Oh, please know how much I long to.

How strange it seemed, knowing her body was several feet within the ground. My mind does not need to go to that place. I can't let it wonder to thoughts of her there. The last time she was alive was inside of me. It feels like something is missing in me. I wanted to dig her out of the earth, as fast as my hands and arms would work. I wanted to get her out of there, so she could breathe. So I could hold her. So she could be free. My silly flesh, playing tricks on me. She is free, He gently reminds me. That's not her. Just her earthly shell. She is safe at home, in the arms of Jesus. I sat silently. Still. Drinking in the presence of my Lord. He whispered quietly to my soul, Rest in me. She is with me, so stay with me. There you know you won't be far from her.

I'm sure you like the little lamb in the pink basket your great-grandmother left for you. I hope you also enjoy the Mountain Laurel we left for you, Lily. It was picked at Massanutten...remember you were there in October and I told you how the leaves were changing into the most beautiful of hues. I couldn't wait for you to see them yourself. You haven't seen anything yet, you laugh as you play in the sunshine with the Creator of all things good and lovely. Remain in my heart, little girl. I will always carry you there.

All flesh is grass, fading away.

Only You last, only You remain.

All flesh is grass, fading away.

Only You last, Only You remain...

the same, You never change.

Surely man is like the flower of the field,

And life is but a vapor, at best it's but a vapor.

Surely man is like a flower of the field,

And the fragrance but a vapor, at best it's but a vapor.

But, You O God,

are better than a thousand blooms.

-Misty Edwards

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I will follow, Lord

I smile in the face of sorrow.

I dance in the ruin.

I have unspeakable joy on this journey of grief.

Inexplicable peace in the chaos.

How? I've had a taste of what is truly divine. And I'm left longing for more. My Jesus is merely a crutch to get me through the pain, you say? No. There is no strength in me. There is no joy. I've come face to face with the wretched condition of this soul. I've seen the complete lack of peace, lack of joy, lack of anything good in me.

I've also seen what's awaiting me in a life fully surrendered to Him. I've seen the supernatural conquering power that He brings. The storms are raging around me, yet I stand firm. I know I'm in His palm.

I'm afraid Lord, I'm afraid. I'm weak, Lord, I'm weak. I'm broken, Lord, I'm broken.

Breathing deeply, I collapse. But, this is where I'm meant to fall...Into his strong arms. I sigh and I fall where I belong. He's been waiting for me to realize my weakness. This weakness that makes me surrender to His strength. It matters not where He leads, for I will follow wherever He goes. Through the darkness, through the pain, through the sorrow, through the laughter, and the tears. If it makes me more like my Jesus, then I welcome whatever comes. And all the while, I will have His radiant, consuming joy in my heart. I will sing praises to Him, the Most High God. I will worship Him with my life. I will wear a beaming smile on my face because I know He is for me. So who can be against me?

"I am no longer anxious about anything as I realize that He is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is for Him to consider rather than me; for in the easiest positions He will give me His grace, and in the most difficult His grace is sufficient." ~Hudson Taylor

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Gianna Jessen, abortion SURVIVOR!

Gianna Jessen is absolutely radiant, beautiful and amazing...watch her speak to Parliament in Australia 2008.

PART 1

PART 2

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A Day to Rejoice

Mother's Day has come and gone now. I knew I wanted to post something, but didn't quite know what. Words fail me. What is there to possibly say to comfort these mothers who exist without their children? What is there to say, to think, that can possibly comfort myself? Bring me some sort of peace. Where words fail, tears somehow seem to suffice.

All I can do is cry for the loss of Lily. The loss of the babies of women that I have never even met. I cry. For the mommy who doesn't like chocolate, but for Mother's Day ate a piece of Blackout Chocolate Cake, in honor of her precious boy, Matthew, who loved it. For the mommy that lost her twin boys, Dale and Jesse, who were sure to fill her home with vibrant life. For the mommy that lost three babies and is still waiting for a Mother's Day with a child to show for it. For the women that have been trying and trying to become a mommy, to no avail. For the mommy that misses her sweet Kathlyn and just wants to sleep and escape, rather than have the day of flowers, giggles, cards, and joy that should'v been. I cry for the lifetime of "why's?" that each of us babyloss moms live with. I cry for how different Mother's Day would have been if she were here. How proud I would be to show her off and have people know I'm her mommy and wish me a happy Mother's Day. But, nobody said it. No perfect stranger knew that this was my first Mother's Day and I was spending it without my light, my world, my darling. It's a day of beautiful sorrow.

A day that reminds us to cherish and be cherished. To rejoice over our mothers and be rejoiced by our children. I rejoice for the precious gift God gave me in her. And I mourn the life I never knew outside of myself. I'm a mother on Mother's Day without the very soul that rendered me a mother. Yet, I still am a mother. Her mother. I held my daughter in my arms less than two months ago. As my friend, Kala, says...though she doesn't know Lily, she feels her life all around. This Mother's Day, I felt her life, I rejoiced, I remembered, I cried, and I thanked God for giving me the most precious gift I could ever receive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am at Massanutten Resort this week with my grandmother (Bumma), sister, mom and brother, Adam. This was the week we had planned on having a baby shower for Lily with Virginia friends and family. And everyone would be meeting her now as well. Definitely lots of emotions wrapped up into the week.

On the way up, I couldn't help but notice a mom with her adorable twins and newborn baby at a rest area. This made me stop in my tracks. I realized that I should have my newborn with me right now.

I kept trying to think of what I could do special for Lily. I read of all these moms doing special things to remember their babies. I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything.

I awoke to breakfast in bed, made by my sweet sister. My family was so dear to go out of their way to treat me like a mother for Mother's Day.

Later in the day, we had lunch at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant!) Mom got me a beautiful Willow tree (which I collect). I got a couple cards and a couple people wishing me a happy Mother's Day.

The day was hard, yes, but overall it was special. A bittersweet day. But, a beautiful day, nonetheless, remembering my lovely Lily. Though I don't have the one here on earth that made me a mother, she is in my heart always. I love and miss you, Lily!! Thank you for making me a mommy on Mother's Day! :)

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He took her silently (6-week postpartum check-up)

Last Wednesday, I had my 6-week postpartum appointment with Dr. M. I was completely dreading it. Whenever I'm on the hospital premises now, emotion rises up in me, and I have to choke back the tears. It didn't help seeing all the pregnant women in the building. It seemed strange not to be waddling like a penguin down the once seemingly endless hall to get to the elevator. The entrance to the birthing center is right next door to the building where Dr. M's office is, so I tried not to look over there.

We were at the office for one and a half hours. I don't understand why they would allow us to wait in there that long. Don't they know how hard it is for us to be in there? There are memories there that I don't want to face just yet...memories of seeing her chubby cheeks on the ultrasound screen, memories of hearing her heart beat week after week, memories of setting up my induction date, memories of talking about her, preparing for her.

When I first arrived, they made me fill out a stupid paper to see if I have postpartum depression. It was the same sheet they made me fill out at my 3 week appointment. I'm telling ya, they seemed like trick questions. I wanted to ask what the right answer was. Umm, duh I feel sad. I mean, I did just lose my baby less than two months ago. But, no I'm not going to commit suicide or whatever it is you're afraid I might do. So, I just tried to answer what I thought they would want to hear. In my answer choices, I tried to show that yes, I'm sad, but yes, I'm going to make it. I have Jesus.

I hate the way so many people look at me these days. As soon as they find out that I lost my baby, they immediately become uncomfortable and have no idea what to say. Either they avoid it completely, or say nothing at all. I noticed some of these "looks" in Dr. M's office. Bridget was the only one who seemed like she truly wanted to talk to me. She came right out of her office as soon as she knew I was there and hugged me, with a big smile on her face. She lost a baby nineteen years ago, so she's not awkward about it at all. In fact, she called me when I was in the hospital and told me how sorry she was and she's there for me if I need anything. I plan on going with her to an "infant loss support group" sometime soon.

I'm healing up well physically. I can start running again. I did run on Saturday evening. But, I'm still recovering from it. I mean I expected to be sore after not running for so long, but this is beyond sore. My stomach muscles are really hurting, as in like it's hard to walk hurting. I think I'm going to have to join Planet Fitness right away so I can get back into shape, without having to hurt myself too much in the process.

My mom and I went back to talk with Dr. M alone in His office. We were in and out of there in minutes, like he didn't have enough time to answer our questions...he kept saying, "anything else...anything else?" Even before giving us a chance to say what we wanted. He went right into telling us there is no medical explanation for why Lily died. Honestly, this is what I was expecting. I was just waiting to hear the words from him. God somehow spoke this truth to my heart, that He simply took her. There was no reason...no reason other than the fact that He needed her with Him. He needed her far more than me. And He has a plan far beyond what I can comprehend.

I remember at the hospital saying it didn't matter what the autopsy results discovered because it wouldn't bring her back. That's why I opted not to get one. But, then the hospital offered to give a free full autopsy, and I agreed. I know God worked that out because He didn't want me to always wonder why she died, what the medical explanation is. Because, you see, God is much greater than "medical explanations." If He wanted her here with me, she would be! I have to keep reminding myself of this.

For a while, I wondered if I would rather have a medical explanation or not. Which would be harder? Would it be harder to know there was something that could have been done to save her, even though it's too late or have no reason at all? At least I know there is nothing wrong with me. At least I know there was nothing I did. And I'm thankful I now know that I need to have c-sections in the future to avoid any complications in childbirth. If Lily had lived, she might be permanently damaged now because she barely fit through my pelvic bone. I'm thankful God made it work out that I had a natural delivery, so I would find this out. I'm thankful that I had that experience with her. I will always treasure the memory of giving birth to her, my baby. It made me feel like a mother. I didn't have much of a chance to be a good mother to her.

I have complete peace in what I now know. She didn't suffer, she didn't flop around in pain. She was alive one moment, and the next she was gone...Still. One minute she was in the earthly realm, the next in the spiritual. He breathed the breath of life into her, and he took it away. He took her away. In the most beautiful way possible. It may sound strange for me to say that, but God has a way of bringing beauty to any and all things. He has a way of healing and restoring even the most broken of hearts.

He wanted to bring me the assurance, the peace, that she's not here because she was never meant to experience the pain and sufferings of this world. It's amazing that God even worked out the details of her name, long before I truly realized the amazing depth behind the meaning. I named her Lily because I she was to be a symbol of renewed purity, redemption. Little did I know how much she would live up to her name. God gave me the name, Lily Katherine. I had no idea that Katherine also means purity. Both her names, both mean purity. And she will forever be pure. God delights in the small things, He places such a sacred essence on things as small as a name. My Lily is with a beautiful God who knows her by name, gave her her name, gave her life, and took her life. I praise Him through this storm.

He took her silently
He took her away
She was far too beautiful to stay
He took her perfect
He took her pure
She knew no sin,
No suffering to endure.
He took her painlessly
In the night
The only thing she knows
Is Heaven's light
He loves her more than I do
And knows what's best
In His arms, is where I'll rest
There is no reason
No one to blame
Still, I miss her just the same.
I'm a mother who held her baby
For just a day
But, in Heaven she waits
That's where she'll stay.
I'll hold her again,
Kiss her, and love her.
Of this I am sure.

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For all you butterfly mommies :)

This afternoon, it has been so dark and gloomy outside, raining on and off. I was feeling so down, so lonely, missing my Lily desperately. My mom and I started talking about mommies who have babies in Heaven and how special it is to think perhaps we will be able to raise our precious little ones on the streets of gold. Not many people get to do that! We will be perfect mommies, with perfect babies, in a perfect place. Always. I miss Lily every minute of every day, and I know if you lost a baby too and are reading this...you know just how I feel. When my mom and I were talking about all our children together with Jesus, she remembered a card she's had for years. I like to think of the babies in the picture as all of our angel babies, playing together in Heaven...where there is always sunshine, always joy, life, love. Our precious babes are waiting for us there, where we all long to be. They are friends and they are giggling together in the fields of fresh flowers...they all have room around the throne of the King of all the universe. He holds them, talks to them, rocks them. He has tears and a smile as He tells them all that their little lives have done on earth, how much their mommies love them, and how all of us butterfly mommies are meeting and sharing in this journey together. He's taking perfect care of them until we get there to love on them too. So, mommies that have a baby in Heaven, like me...this is for you. I hope it brings a smile to your heart like it brought to mine. I hope you have some sunshine in your life today...oh yeah, and it's not gloomy out anymore. The sun, the breeze, the fresh flowers, and the rainbow are spectacular! :)

the inside reads:

"Babies are angels, sent on errands of love."

(I like to think of Lily as the little girl lying on the ground with dark hair...the one with the little boy tugging on her dress. She had lovely dark hair.)

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Dear fourteen-year old,

I will try to find words to tell you these things...but words don't seem adequate. To tell you how much I love you, how much He loves you. For they are mere words. If only someone had told me these things, six years ago when I was fourteen... Why can't we learn from the paths others have taken and decide not to go there? Why must we take that same path to understand? Mere words cannot communicate what the hearts longs to. I just want to shake you, make you grasp the truth of who this King is. The reality of who He is has changed my life. It has transformed me from the inside out. True fulfillment. True joy. True love. You can have this too.

Dear girl. How precious you are. How I wish I could capture your innocence, your sweetness. And protect it, nurture it. The world tries to strip it away. Rob you of this priceless gift. Don't give it away. Hold on to it with all you have. Don't you know He adores you. He wants to hold you...love you...protect you. Let Him.

What can I possibly say to make you realize? To show you that I've been there. You think I don't know. You think I don't understand. I was there. Not too long ago. I took that path that you're on now. Turn back. Run the opposite direction. The road you are on now leads to misery, destruction, heart break.

In your desperation, be desperate for Him. In your searching, search for truth. He will give you fulfillment. Boys never will. Friends never will. Slow down. Think about your life. Reflect. Let His Spirit speak to you. Let Him captivate your heart. I see Him longing for you, dear one. Oh, how He adores you. How lovely you are to Him. In His eyes, you hold true value. You would never have to question if you're enough. You say you need time to think. Just believe.

Perhaps you will never read this. Perhaps if you do, you won't recognize it's for you. Perhaps one day you will realize. But, when you do, if you do, I hope you know you chose the right path. I hope you didn't suffer through that misery, that heartache. These are mere words.

Dear fourteen-year old...this is for you.

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Through the eyes of a little girl.

These are part of the lyrics to the song, "More Beautiful You," by Johnny Diaz.

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

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God is proving these things to be very true in my life. I have been thinking a lot about what it means to see through the eyes of a little girl. I think there are many aspects to this simple statement.

So often, I long to relive the days of my childhood. And I have to ask myself why this is? It's because I trusted that the world was good and everyone loved me. I had dreams of finding a noble knight. I was a princess. I had no idea how cruel people can be, the way boys would hurt me, the way I would give away my precious innocence. It was before my dreams of finding a man that would protect me, cherish me, and adore me were all but a distant memory.

Childlike faith. Such a fascinating thing. We have it one day and the next, it's gone. Our experiences and the culture rob us of this precious gift. As we grow up, the world tells us to be realists and not to expect too much out of God and people. We're told God doesn't really want to be involved in the tiny aspects of our everyday lives. We stop trusting that God is as big as He says He is, that He wants to do good things for us and bless those faithful to Him. And with seeing all the pain and sin around us, we may begin to question if God is even good. As young children, however, it is never hard to believe in these big ideas of an even bigger God. That He gives sight to the blind, food to the hungry, is a father to the fatherless, and carried the burden of the sins of the entire world..

When we are young, we are innocent and our hearts are pure. We don't notice the color of one's skin, the clothes they wear, how they look or talk, or all the other things this world notices. Instead, we judge others by the content of their hearts. Is that not the very heart of Christ? Years spent living in a culture that warps this way of thinking leaves us with a distorted image of where true value comes from. The only true beauty, worth, or value any of us has is from our Beloved Bridegroom, Jesus.

The Lord is teaching my heart to trust Him alone. To trust that He can bless me with a true warrior-poet, a man after His own heart. He's showing me the importance of protecting and preserving my heart and body for this man. Even though I don't deserve somebody like Christ, He still desires Him for me. My desire is to have childlike faith once again...To trust that God is faithful and blesses those that love Him and keep His commands. That He desires what's best for me. That He does big things! To look through the eyes of a little girl, which happen to be very similar to the eyes of Christ Himself, and see people the way He sees them. Not judging them by the standards of this world, but by their heart. And choosing to love them, no matter what the cost. To let Christ wash me clean, white as snow, and again be unaffected and unshaken by the pollution of this culture. To not yield to the twisted agenda of this culture. God is much bigger than the devil or anything and anybody in the world. His words are true and He can never lie. He desires to give us life and life more abundantly! May we all see through the eyes of little children again.

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My Love Hasn't Grown Cold.

"by Bethany Dillon"

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love does not tire
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here
For you
If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

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You Just Lost One...

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Nothing Else Matters.

I realize how throughly inadequate I am to do anything alone. The only trace of good that is in me is Jesus. Not me at all. It is in my greatest times of doubt, hurt and need that I am reminded that God is always there, holding my hand, even when it feels like He isn't. At times, the whole world seems to turn against me and I feel like there is nobody to understand the deepest part of me. At times when I cry out to God for help, I feel so alone. But, I remember the suffering His love put Him through and I realize that life isn't meant to be easy. It's in my times of pain and discomfort that I learn the most about God and draw near to Him.

I somehow think that I am more capable of making decisions for my life than the Creator of the universe...but, each time I make a stupid choice about something and let my heart break over something, I am brought back to my knees and realize that God knows me better than I know myself. Why is it that I have to learn to trust Him over and over when He has never given me a reason to doubt?

I'm willing to lay it all down for Christ because nothing else matters. Honestly. No matter how much I try to fill my heart with other things, I am constantly brought back to my beautiful, sweet Jesus. He is all that matters. Remember that. Nothing else. What are the hardships we face today in light of eternity? God is worth giving up anything else and living completely set-apart for Him because He is the only one who satisfies. His love does not tire. He is awake when the moon is full. He is the most real thing in this life. Seek His face.

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You're My Only Hope.

My soul pants for You, God.
It knows its desperation.
The tears and pain,
A world without you...
Hopeless.
Despair.
It rips my heart out.
It wants me defeated.

But, my head is down,
Tilted down.
You make me look up.
You are there.
I see your face...
Those eyes.
You take Your hand
And brush it softly across my cheek.
You don't like those tears.
You don't want to see that pain.
You pull my hair back and tenderly whisper to me,
Your Beloved...

"Do not fear.
I am here.
Let me take your pain.
Turn those tears into rain.
Hold onto me.
I will always be
Faithful to you, my love."

My soul knows this is truth.
In a world with greyness, doubt, and confusion.
It's the only thing of which I'm certain.
It's my only hope...
You're my only hope.

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Around the bend...

A new year is just around the bend.
What it holds no one can tell.
Lots of firsts.

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