August 2009 Series ~ You Are On Our Side

The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."

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I want to share something I wrote in my journal in August 2009. I remember where I was and how I felt when I wrote it. I felt so desperately lost, yet still had a small glimmer of hope. I have journaled most of my life, but when I was living apart from Jesus, I couldn't write anymore. My writings are my prayers and I didn't feel close to God anymore. I felt I couldn't face Him because I didn't want to face my sin. I was ashamed... of the lifestyle I was leading, that I wasn't walking in purity, and that I'd chosen to have an abortion. The first journal entry I wrote in probably over a year was on August 6th, 2009. Each time I read it, my heart recalls the brokenness and deep sadness I felt. I realize now that the Lord wanted me to write it so that I would always remember the dark place I was in. I would remember how I came face-to-face with my wretchedness, realized I was nothing and had no strength, and cried out to my Mighty Rescuer. He ran to my rescue! Just days after I wrote this is when God turned my world upside down and changed me forever. All He was waiting for was for me to cry out to Him. And He's waiting for you to cry out to Him. Watch as He runs to your defense and your rescue! What a contrast to see where I was in the beginning of August 2009 and the journey God brought me through, ultimately resulting in Him winning the battle! I want to share a part of that journal entry to show you just how deep in the pit I was in... and I hope and pray that as you can see me now, you will realize that "there is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." - Corrie ten Boom

August 6th 2009

"How can one person feel so alone in a world with billions of people in it? With all the big cities? Yet, I feel like I'm the only one whose felt these feelings, these hurts, the only one whose had these thoughts. I just want Jesus. But, I feel so far from Him. Could I ever experience healing and forgiveness for the things I've done? The mistakes I've made? How could I have done these things? That trap me...slowly kill me. I feel all alone. No one knows my heart, my longings, my every sin. Except Jesus. I am utterly brokenhearted. I never knew I could feel like this. I'm trapped. I don't know how to break free. Lord, break me free. Make me whole again. Hold my heart. Hold me so close to You and never let me go! My soul is lost. The world got a hold of me. Yet, I feel You gently pulling me to You, with tears in Your eyes...Ready to hold me, cry with me, laugh with me, and make me new again. 

I never dreamed I could be hurt in the ways I have been. You are a beautiful God who is there for the weak and brokenhearted. This song by Bethany Dillon keeps running through my head: "The orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. The widow rejoices, for her oppressors are silenced now. The runaway falls at Your feet, You are what he has searched for. The rich man is broken, when he stands beneath a sky full of stars. And You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die...Still You sent Your Son for us...You are on our side!"

God, I need You. From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You! Save me...from myself, from the enemy, from the world. I am broken. I am scared. You are literally all I have. Is that what You want me to feel? Do You want me to cling to You? You're my only hope and that's true. I can't keep living without You...it's eating my very soul.

There are so many things in my life I would have and should have done differently. And, Lord, I know You want to save us from our sins. To wash them away and make us white as snow. You give us a way out...Looking back on my life, You gave me a way out of my pain and misery before I even made the bad choices I did. I'm so sorry. I want You, all of You forever. Break the chains of anything not of You! And hold me in Your strong arms! Fulfill Your purposes in my life. Amen."

This is the song I wrote the lyrics to in my journal. It played in my mind so much during that time as I realized the heart of mercy and love that the Father has for us! He is truly on our side, wants to rescue and redeem us, and strengthen us to carry our His purposes for our lives, for His glory! As I listen to it now, it gives me chills to remember how hard He fought for me, how He never left my side, He wooed me, romanced my heart, captivated me. This song will always be so special to me and remind me of August 2009.

You Are On Our Side

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August 2009 Series ~ You Are On Our Side

The month of August 2009 is when God intervened in my life and radically altered my life, through my unborn baby, my darling Lily girl. Each August, I am flooded with memories of His faithfulness, in both the huge things and the smallest details that He used to speak to me. I like to share the blog entries about that time each August to share of His great love and faithfulness. I will call the posts the "August 2009 Series."

~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to share something I wrote in my journal in August 2009. I remember where I was and how I felt when I wrote it. I felt so desperately lost, yet still had a small glimmer of hope. I have journaled most of my life, but when I was living apart from Jesus, I couldn't write anymore. My writings are my prayers and I didn't feel close to God anymore. I felt I couldn't face Him because I didn't want to face my sin. I was ashamed... of the lifestyle I was leading, that I wasn't walking in purity, and that I'd chosen to have an abortion. The first journal entry I wrote in probably over a year was on August 6th, 2009. Each time I read it, my heart recalls the brokenness and deep sadness I felt. I realize now that the Lord wanted me to write it so that I would always remember the dark place I was in. I would remember how I came face-to-face with my wretchedness, realized I was nothing and had no strength, and cried out to my Mighty Rescuer. He ran to my rescue! Just days after I wrote this is when God turned my world upside down and changed me forever. All He was waiting for was for me to cry out to Him. And He's waiting for you to cry out to Him. Watch as He runs to your defense and your rescue! What a contrast to see where I was in the beginning of August 2009 and the journey God brought me through, ultimately resulting in Him winning the battle! I want to share a part of that journal entry to show you just how deep in the pit I was in... and I hope and pray that as you can see me now, you will realize that "there is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." - Corrie ten Boom

August 6th 2009

"How can one person feel so alone in a world with billions of people in it? With all the big cities? Yet, I feel like I'm the only one whose felt these feelings, these hurts, the only one whose had these thoughts. I just want Jesus. But, I feel so far from Him. Could I ever experience healing and forgiveness for the things I've done? The mistakes I've made? How could I have done these things? That trap me...slowly kill me. I feel all alone. No one knows my heart, my longings, my every sin. Except Jesus. I am utterly brokenhearted. I never knew I could feel like this. I'm trapped. I don't know how to break free. Lord, break me free. Make me whole again. Hold my heart. Hold me so close to You and never let me go! My soul is lost. The world got a hold of me. Yet, I feel You gently pulling me to You, with tears in Your eyes...Ready to hold me, cry with me, laugh with me, and make me new again. 

I never dreamed I could be hurt in the ways I have been. You are a beautiful God who is there for the weak and brokenhearted. This song by Bethany Dillon keeps running through my head: "The orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. The widow rejoices, for her oppressors are silenced now. The runaway falls at Your feet, You are what he has searched for. The rich man is broken, when he stands beneath a sky full of stars. And You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die...Still You sent Your Son for us...You are on our side!"

God, I need You. From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You! Save me...from myself, from the enemy, from the world. I am broken. I am scared. You are literally all I have. Is that what You want me to feel? Do You want me to cling to You? You're my only hope and that's true. I can't keep living without You...it's eating my very soul.

There are so many things in my life I would have and should have done differently. And, Lord, I know You want to save us from our sins. To wash them away and make us white as snow. You give us a way out...Looking back on my life, You gave me a way out of my pain and misery before I even made the bad choices I did. I'm so sorry. I want You, all of You forever. Break the chains of anything not of You! And hold me in Your strong arms! Fulfill Your purposes in my life. Amen."

This is the song I wrote the lyrics to in my journal. It played in my mind so much during that time as I realized the heart of mercy and love that the Father has for us! He is truly on our side, wants to rescue and redeem us, and strengthen us to carry our His purposes for our lives, for His glory! As I listen to it now, it gives me chills to remember how hard He fought for me, how He never left my side, He wooed me, romanced my heart, captivated me. This song will always be so special to me and remind me of August 2009.

You Are On Our Side

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Her Heart and Mouth Confessing Jesus' Name

As I was blogging earlier this morning, I was listening to a Bethany Dillon playlist on YouTube. The music was softly playing, but my ears picked up certain words to the song that was on.

The song is called "You're the Best Song." Here are the lyrics:

Good morning
You and the sun are up before I'm ready
But ready or not, you need me
So here I am

I'm learning that in the long hard days
There is beauty
Do you know my favorite place to see it
It's when I look at you

And though I'm tired now
You're worth every sleepless night
You're worth it all, cause I know...

You're the best song I'll ever write
And we're humming and dancing through the years together
You're the best song I'll ever write
And I pray you'll hear Jesus in it when you're older

I remember when you were just a heartbeat that I heard
and now our eyes meet
Forever is not enough to love you

Every prayer for you is like a seed in the ground
Every tear I cry is like rain
And in its due season
I pray a harvest will be found
Your heart and mouth confessing Jesus' name
Your heart and mouth confessing Jesus' name

The song is clearly about the love between a mother and her child. My heart sinks with the words that remind me of everything I didn't get to experience with Lily. I didn't have any long, hard days with her. She never woke up needing me early in the morning. My sleepless nights were because of grief, not because of caring for my baby. We're not humming and dancing through the years together. I remember her sweet heartbeat... little did I know that's one of the only memories I'd get with her. And our eyes never did meet. It's ironic I just wrote a post a couple days ago about how much I ache over not having seen Lily's eyes while she was alive.

But even still... even though my motherhood looks different than this song, different than how motherhood looks to most mothers, forever is still not enough to love my Lily girl. She was still worth it all... worth the sleepless nights of grief, worth the difficult pregnancy, worth the labor and delivery, and every stretch mark. She is worth loving through it all.

And the most beautiful part in it all is the comfort I have in knowing I will never have to wonder if Lily will love and serve Jesus. Her heart and her mouth are already confessing Jesus' name. His was the first face she saw. And His name was the first word she spoke.

Listen to the song below (email subscribers click HERE).

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My Love Hasn't Grown Cold.

"by Bethany Dillon"

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love does not tire
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here
For you
If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

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