Showing posts with label March. Show all posts
Showing posts with label March. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Born Still
This beautiful poem captures what I felt in March 8 years ago and in all the days, weeks, months, and years since... oh, my sweet Lily Katherine. To those who've also lost babies to stillbirth, wouldn't you agree? 💕🌸
Monday, March 12, 2018
"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away
I originally shared this on this date in 2012... 💕
In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?
One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?
Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.
In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...
At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.
Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...
Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?
One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?
Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.
In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...
At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.
Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...
(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).
A few years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.
Here are the lyrics:
I was awakened last night.
To the sound of dancing feet above me.
I thought they were on my roof.
'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.
Opened my eyes and saw
What I thought was an angel dancing.
She was a perfect child.
She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.
“Mama can you hear me?
Daddy can you feel me?
I’m made whole.
I’m at home.
I’m dancing on streets of gold.
Don’t stop holding on.”
Her hair was golden
like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.
She was laughing and spinning.
She couldn’t stop singing this song.
“Mama can you hear me?
Daddy can you feel me?
I’m made whole.
I’m at home.
I’m dancing on streets of gold.
Don’t stop holding on.”
This is Amy’s Song
This is Amy’s Song.
From her streets of gold
She is singing you a song.
Singing you a song.
Don’t stop holding on.
Can you see her at His throne
With her hair of gold?
She is holding – holding on
To the threads of His robe.
She is singing you a song
She is singing you a song
She is singing you a song of hope.
“Hope is being born in you
Hope is being woven.
Hope is being born in you
Hope is coming.
Don’t stop holding on.”
(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).
Monday, March 20, 2017
Spring is Coming
This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2012. I am reminded of it each year around this time.
In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming beautifully and the sun grew warmer on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on and the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended.
With the promise of Spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before Spring started. In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming beautifully and the sun grew warmer on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on and the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended.
With the promise of Spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together.
I see the hand of my God in choosing for her to be born right before the genesis of Spring. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and Spring are coming!
There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, it was dark and gloomy out and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue could be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by both kinds of tears.
With Spring comes new life and fresh hope. Even here on Earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is Spring even here, in this fallen world. The Lord is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way.
I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting life through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of Spring...
I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting life through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of Spring...
"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16
Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and Spring here on Earth, but He reminds me that Spring is coming. Eternal Spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them all yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity!
My mom saw a glorious rainbow this morning, stretching all the way from one side of the sky to the other. She said the colors were so vibrant and amazing. How appropriate for this first day of Spring.
So with this change of season, may we each cling to the Hope that is Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and Spring out of sorrow and Winter. Both here on Earth...and for all Eternity.
Spring is coming. Hallelujah!
"Our LORD has written the promises of the Resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in Springtime." -Martin Luther
"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5
This is a song from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, Spring, and the promise I have in Christ.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Even Today
This is something I originally shared after Lily's 4th birthday... I'm feeling similarly with her 7th.
The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.
I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.
Everything is feeling so.... gray.
To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.
Instead, another March 16th has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19th and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for 7 years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...
Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad.
Lily's birthday was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.
March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.
On the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her.
My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.
"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."
This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.
And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.
As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.
I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.
Everything is feeling so.... gray.
To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.
Instead, another March 16th has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19th and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for 7 years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...
Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad.
Lily's birthday was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.
March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.
On the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her.
My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.
"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."
This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.
And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.
As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away
I originally shared this on this date in 2012... 💕
In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?
One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?
Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.
In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...
At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.
Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...
Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?
One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?
Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.
In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...
At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.
Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...
(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).
A couple years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.
Here are the lyrics:
I was awakened last night.
To the sound of dancing feet above me.
I thought they were on my roof.
'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.
Opened my eyes and saw
What I thought was an angel dancing.
She was a perfect child.
She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.
“Mama can you hear me?
Daddy can you feel me?
I’m made whole.
I’m at home.
I’m dancing on streets of gold.
Don’t stop holding on.”
Her hair was golden
like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.
She was laughing and spinning.
She couldn’t stop singing this song.
“Mama can you hear me?
Daddy can you feel me?
I’m made whole.
I’m at home.
I’m dancing on streets of gold.
Don’t stop holding on.”
This is Amy’s Song
This is Amy’s Song.
From her streets of gold
She is singing you a song.
Singing you a song.
Don’t stop holding on.
Can you see her at His throne
With her hair of gold?
She is holding – holding on
To the threads of His robe.
She is singing you a song
She is singing you a song
She is singing you a song of hope.
“Hope is being born in you
Hope is being woven.
Hope is being born in you
Hope is coming.
Don’t stop holding on.”
(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).
March Mug
My March mug. 💕 ✨ ☕️ ✨ 💕
I found this one at Hobby Lobby for 40% off... the gold and pink together are gorgeous!
#birthdaygirl #LisforLily #March16 #mugcollector #pinkforLily
I found this one at Hobby Lobby for 40% off... the gold and pink together are gorgeous!
#birthdaygirl #LisforLily #March16 #mugcollector #pinkforLily
Saturday, March 11, 2017
If She'd Been Born Today
This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2015...
These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...
It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.
My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.
Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.
What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.
I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.
Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?
The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.
My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.
On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.
This entire week holds many memories.
Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?
If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.
Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...
These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...
It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.
My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.
Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.
I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then. I still have the paper with the induction date on it (it's now in Lily's scrapbook).
This popped up on my Facebook Memories today... my post from this date in 2010.
And this is what I posted on yesterday's date in 2010... if only those had been real contractions and she had been born then.
I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.
Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?
The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.
My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.
On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.
This entire week holds many memories.
Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?
If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.
Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...
Friday, March 10, 2017
Lily's Lullabies
Yesterday my mom was telling me how my niece wouldn't take a nap alone in her crib and was throwing a bit of a fit, but as soon as she picked her up and played the Jewel "Lullaby" CD, it made her fall fast asleep in her arms. 😴
This CD is sacred to me. Lily's perfect little ears knew these songs. 🎶 I got the CD while I was pregnant and some of my most treasured memories are of Lily squirming around wildly to this music. Lily's cousin obviously loves it like she did. Babies literally know music in the womb and she knew this album. This album that is symbolic of my pregnancy, and all my hopes and dreams for Lily's life, of my anticipating holding her after she was born and finally playing it for on the outside of the womb.
For a long time, I didn't want to share it with anyone. That might sound crazy, but it felt so Lily, so very precious to my heart. Then my perspective shifted and I now look at sharing these tunes as a way of sharing my girl... I have gifted multiple people with it, and everyone loves it. It touches my heart when people say that it reminds them of Lily.
I got a copy for my niece for Christmas. A few days ago, my sister-in-law was trying to get my niece to settle down for a nap while I was over, and she was going to play the CD. She asked first it that was okay. She knows what the CD means to me. I thought that was thoughtful of her. At first, I thought it would be okay... but a couple songs it, I realized it wasn't. Especially in March. I feel like I need privacy when listening to these songs because of the emotions that well up.
So back to the story from yesterday... I told my mom that I hope this album will always make her think of Lily. She said it does and it will. She told me that as she was listening to the bittersweet lullabies yesterday, she was crying so hard for her first-born granddaughter while holding her second. Remembering the little ears that knew and loved the very songs that were putting new little ears to sleep. 💤
We miss you, so, so much, Lily girl. 💕😢
This CD is sacred to me. Lily's perfect little ears knew these songs. 🎶 I got the CD while I was pregnant and some of my most treasured memories are of Lily squirming around wildly to this music. Lily's cousin obviously loves it like she did. Babies literally know music in the womb and she knew this album. This album that is symbolic of my pregnancy, and all my hopes and dreams for Lily's life, of my anticipating holding her after she was born and finally playing it for on the outside of the womb.
For a long time, I didn't want to share it with anyone. That might sound crazy, but it felt so Lily, so very precious to my heart. Then my perspective shifted and I now look at sharing these tunes as a way of sharing my girl... I have gifted multiple people with it, and everyone loves it. It touches my heart when people say that it reminds them of Lily.
I got a copy for my niece for Christmas. A few days ago, my sister-in-law was trying to get my niece to settle down for a nap while I was over, and she was going to play the CD. She asked first it that was okay. She knows what the CD means to me. I thought that was thoughtful of her. At first, I thought it would be okay... but a couple songs it, I realized it wasn't. Especially in March. I feel like I need privacy when listening to these songs because of the emotions that well up.
So back to the story from yesterday... I told my mom that I hope this album will always make her think of Lily. She said it does and it will. She told me that as she was listening to the bittersweet lullabies yesterday, she was crying so hard for her first-born granddaughter while holding her second. Remembering the little ears that knew and loved the very songs that were putting new little ears to sleep. 💤
We miss you, so, so much, Lily girl. 💕😢
Here is one of the songs from the album... I've got this one on repeat today.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Memories of March 16
Before 2010, March 16, and the month of March in general, didn't have specific significance in my life. Because of this, it is quite interesting that I can remember exactly what I was doing/what happened many years on March 16. The reason I think I have these memories is because they are all bad memories.
Another year, when I was 19, I remember getting into a big argument with someone I cared about. I remember it was on the 16th because we were celebrating St. Patrick's Day, which is on the 17th.
These are just a couple of examples.
I don't think these memories "mean" anything, but I just have found it odd as I've reflected back on March 16 in years past.
I had no idea what March 16 would one day come to mean to me. Isn't it strange that the only memories I specifically have of the date are unpleasant memories? A foreshadowing of March 16, 2010, perhaps?
I wonder what meaningful dates in the future will be, that hold no significance to me currently, such as my wedding date and the birthdays of my future children.
Even though March 16 is a sad day because the birthday girl is not here to celebrate, it is still a beautiful day. I enjoy having a day that's all Lily's own to celebrate, honor, and remember her.
It brings Heaven a little closer to Earth.
One year, when I was 17, I got snowed in at LaGuardia Airport in NYC for around 24 hours on March 16, the day I was scheduled to come back to NC after visiting my friend in Brooklyn for a week during spring break. That wasn't too pleasant.
Another year, when I was 19, I remember getting into a big argument with someone I cared about. I remember it was on the 16th because we were celebrating St. Patrick's Day, which is on the 17th.
These are just a couple of examples.
I don't think these memories "mean" anything, but I just have found it odd as I've reflected back on March 16 in years past.
I had no idea what March 16 would one day come to mean to me. Isn't it strange that the only memories I specifically have of the date are unpleasant memories? A foreshadowing of March 16, 2010, perhaps?
I wonder what meaningful dates in the future will be, that hold no significance to me currently, such as my wedding date and the birthdays of my future children.
Even though March 16 is a sad day because the birthday girl is not here to celebrate, it is still a beautiful day. I enjoy having a day that's all Lily's own to celebrate, honor, and remember her.
It brings Heaven a little closer to Earth.
Monday, March 6, 2017
The Month of March
This is something I wrote in March 2011, just before Lily's 1st birthday. The rawness and hurt is not nearly as intense this month as it was that month, which points to the Lord's healing touch. Yet the love is just as intense. Even more so. I'm incredibly thankful to have thousands of words I've written over the span of many years. ❤️
The last few nights, I've fallen asleep listening to the Jewel "Lullaby" CD. I usually don't even allow myself to go there because I know how it makes me miss her. When I was pregnant, I would turn it up so loud and sing at the top of my lungs to my wild child squirming around happily in my belly. Listening to it now evokes such deep emotion in me.
I don't need to hear those bittersweet lullabies to be reminded of what month it is. What this month meant to me last year. What this month will always mean to me. And I wonder, will the entire month of March always have this fog over it...this fog that I can't escape. This fog that brings me to deep belly sobs and feeling a deep ache in my heart that I thought was reserved for the first days and weeks after saying goodbye to her.
Yet, here I am again. Here I am feeling all those same things that I thought I left behind in March, April, May of 2010. My arms are aching and my heart is yearning for a little girl that whispered goodbye an entire year ago. How could it possibly already be a year? A year since I last felt her kick. A year since I was blissfully pregnant, my dreams for her life safe and secure. A year since that monitor was put up to my swollen belly and those dreadful words filled by ears: "I'm so sorry. Her heart is no longer beating." And suddenly those dreams and plans were snatched away from me forever. Stolen by death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last few nights, I've fallen asleep listening to the Jewel "Lullaby" CD. I usually don't even allow myself to go there because I know how it makes me miss her. When I was pregnant, I would turn it up so loud and sing at the top of my lungs to my wild child squirming around happily in my belly. Listening to it now evokes such deep emotion in me.
I don't need to hear those bittersweet lullabies to be reminded of what month it is. What this month meant to me last year. What this month will always mean to me. And I wonder, will the entire month of March always have this fog over it...this fog that I can't escape. This fog that brings me to deep belly sobs and feeling a deep ache in my heart that I thought was reserved for the first days and weeks after saying goodbye to her.
Yet, here I am again. Here I am feeling all those same things that I thought I left behind in March, April, May of 2010. My arms are aching and my heart is yearning for a little girl that whispered goodbye an entire year ago. How could it possibly already be a year? A year since I last felt her kick. A year since I was blissfully pregnant, my dreams for her life safe and secure. A year since that monitor was put up to my swollen belly and those dreadful words filled by ears: "I'm so sorry. Her heart is no longer beating." And suddenly those dreams and plans were snatched away from me forever. Stolen by death.
It started in February...leading up to March. Knowing it was right around the corner and I'd have to face the month that I like the least, the month that I haven't lived in since I've been so utterly heartbroken, more so than I ever dreamed possible.
Then came the beginning of March and how my heart literally hurt and suddenly it was hard to breathe all over again. And the memories come rushing back and my mind wonders to the beginning of last March and how we all wondered who had guessed the correct date that she'd arrive in this world. And every day that passed, we'd say so and so wasn't right. I bet it'll be the date I picked.
And then March 11th came and I remembered how March 11th last year was the last appointment I had. The last ultrasound I had. The last time I heard her precious heart beating. And then I begin to wonder if there is something I should have done different. Something I didn't catch and somehow it's my fault.
And I blink my eyes and it's March 12th. March 12th - the day I guessed she'd be born. But, now I believe, that's the day she was born into Heaven. That's the day my sciatica pain started and it felt like her body was floating to one side or the other. People are always asking how I didn't realize she had stopped kicking. But, I was never pregnant before. I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't normal. I thought she ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel her kicks. Was it my fault?
Then March 13th...the day this picture was taken at my friend's baby shower. She was already gone in this picture, yet there I was smiling, proud thinking she would be arriving any day. Proud to say I was 39 weeks, 6 days pregnant. We went to eat at Pizza Hut that night. I loved those personal pan cheese pizzas throughout my pregnancy. My sister even gave me a gift card to use there at Christmas!
Then came the beginning of March and how my heart literally hurt and suddenly it was hard to breathe all over again. And the memories come rushing back and my mind wonders to the beginning of last March and how we all wondered who had guessed the correct date that she'd arrive in this world. And every day that passed, we'd say so and so wasn't right. I bet it'll be the date I picked.
And then March 11th came and I remembered how March 11th last year was the last appointment I had. The last ultrasound I had. The last time I heard her precious heart beating. And then I begin to wonder if there is something I should have done different. Something I didn't catch and somehow it's my fault.
And I blink my eyes and it's March 12th. March 12th - the day I guessed she'd be born. But, now I believe, that's the day she was born into Heaven. That's the day my sciatica pain started and it felt like her body was floating to one side or the other. People are always asking how I didn't realize she had stopped kicking. But, I was never pregnant before. I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't normal. I thought she ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel her kicks. Was it my fault?
Then March 13th...the day this picture was taken at my friend's baby shower. She was already gone in this picture, yet there I was smiling, proud thinking she would be arriving any day. Proud to say I was 39 weeks, 6 days pregnant. We went to eat at Pizza Hut that night. I loved those personal pan cheese pizzas throughout my pregnancy. My sister even gave me a gift card to use there at Christmas!
And then "March 14th." Those words slipped out of my mouth more times than I could ever remember whenever I was asked when are you due? And then I'd giggle a little and tell whoever was asking that March 14th is National Potato Chip Day, so we call her Spud.
It feels as if I should be able to push the pause button so I can focus on all these emotions and feelings that I don't know what to do with. This raw pain that's coursing through me. But, time moves on with no regard for who it leaves behind.
Before I know it, all the days in between March 16th and March 25th will be here and I'll remember how deeply my heart grieved. The shock I was in. How my body felt so weak. The phantom kicks. The longing, aching, yearning that could never be put to words, so I won't even try. How my milk came in, like a slap in the face that my own body would hurt me like that. Then March 26th...her Celebration of Life Serivce. And the 27th, the day she was put in the earth and showered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. The day I left a piece of me in the ground in Virginia.
So you see, it's not just March 16th that hurts. It's the entire month of March. It's every day that I live without her. Every day that reminds me of her. Every day that should have been a day with her by my side.
My mind tells me that March 16th shouldn't be just another day for anyone. And it most certainly shouldn't be just a happy day. Shouldn't everyone be pausing and reflecting on what March 16th was to me, is to me, and will always be to me?
It feels almost wrong to celebrate without her, yet I will celebrate her life. I will rejoice that she was. I will trust that God has a plan and that nothing I could have, should have done might have saved her. I won't replay all the what ifs? Instead, I will trust, trust, trust that He loves.
And I will go on loving her forever and a day...
It feels as if I should be able to push the pause button so I can focus on all these emotions and feelings that I don't know what to do with. This raw pain that's coursing through me. But, time moves on with no regard for who it leaves behind.
Before I know it, all the days in between March 16th and March 25th will be here and I'll remember how deeply my heart grieved. The shock I was in. How my body felt so weak. The phantom kicks. The longing, aching, yearning that could never be put to words, so I won't even try. How my milk came in, like a slap in the face that my own body would hurt me like that. Then March 26th...her Celebration of Life Serivce. And the 27th, the day she was put in the earth and showered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. The day I left a piece of me in the ground in Virginia.
So you see, it's not just March 16th that hurts. It's the entire month of March. It's every day that I live without her. Every day that reminds me of her. Every day that should have been a day with her by my side.
My mind tells me that March 16th shouldn't be just another day for anyone. And it most certainly shouldn't be just a happy day. Shouldn't everyone be pausing and reflecting on what March 16th was to me, is to me, and will always be to me?
It feels almost wrong to celebrate without her, yet I will celebrate her life. I will rejoice that she was. I will trust that God has a plan and that nothing I could have, should have done might have saved her. I won't replay all the what ifs? Instead, I will trust, trust, trust that He loves.
And I will go on loving her forever and a day...
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Born Still
This beautiful poem captures what I felt in March 7 years ago and in all the days, weeks, months, and years since... oh, my sweet Lily Katherine. To those who've also lost babies to stillbirth, wouldn't you agree? 💕🌸
Friday, March 3, 2017
Lily's Loving Aunt
Can I brag on what an amazing aunt Lily has in my sister-in-law Kala? She told me today she wants to make red-velvet cupcakes from scratch for her birthday. :)
Also, we were looking around in Target when I saw a gorgeous card with a butterfly that looked embroidered. It was one of those pricey Papyrus cards that are beautiful! I said that it's so nice that I automatically think "scrapbook" instead of card. She responded and said, unless it's a very special occasion... which I know of one coming up (talking about Lily's birthday) as she tossed it in her shopping basket. ❤️ 🎈
❤️
Also, we were looking around in Target when I saw a gorgeous card with a butterfly that looked embroidered. It was one of those pricey Papyrus cards that are beautiful! I said that it's so nice that I automatically think "scrapbook" instead of card. She responded and said, unless it's a very special occasion... which I know of one coming up (talking about Lily's birthday) as she tossed it in her shopping basket. ❤️ 🎈
❤️
 |
| Kala (and Harvest) visiting Lily's spot last Summer |
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
What March Means to Me
March never meant much of anything to me. I always thought of it as one of the boring, winter months that you must endure to arrive at beautiful spring and summer. All that changed for me in 2010, when my precious March girl was in my arms and just as quickly, she was gone...
March is marked by a sacredness. It holds the memory of a little flower that danced into my heart and left me changed forever. When it comes, all the March memories of 2010 come flooding back. The rest of the year, I catch myself wondering if I somehow dreamed all this up. For everything around me is the same as it was before Lily was here. That's how it is with infant loss. You don't have the reminders that this person was indeed real, as you have when others pass away. People seem to easily move on and forget you, your baby, and your grief. All that I have are the memories of her alive inside me, along with the keepsakes I cling to and cherish above all else. The footprints, handprints, lock of hair, photos. When it gets hard to believe she was really even here, I open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible realities that say, yes, Lily Katherine was a real, important, special someone.
As March makes it's entrance once again on the calendar, it becomes much easier to believe she was real. The bittersweet feelings envelope me. The veil of sadness returns. My body even feels it. The memories of the first half of March 2010, full of happiness and anticipation. The memories of the second half of March 2010, full of shock, heartbreak, and tears.
March will never be just another month for me. It will remind me of my firstborn babe, the babe I never fully got to know. The babe I will always wonder what might she be like this March, as we approach her birthday. Whether she be almost 5, 10, or 25. Would she have her own flower, her own babe in her arms this year, 20 years from now, to celebrate with us? Each year, as March rolls around, it will mark another year that she wasn't here. Another year she wasn't growing and laughing and loving and a part of the family. Another year I've had to live without her.
March, the saddest, yet most beautiful month I know. It will always make me sorrowful, wondering who she would have become, yet it will always bring me joy, knowing that she was and will forever be in my heart. Though she's not a part of the family in the way I wanted, she is still a part of each and every day, for she is etched into the very fabric of our lives.
In her book "Shades of Blue," Karen Kingsbury describes a character, who was grieving a baby she lost a decade earlier, in such a way that it felt like she was writing about me:
Losing Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.
I'm not going to pretend I don't desperately wish she was here to celebrate her almost 7th birthday. I wish we were planning a special party, full of only smiles and happy tears. Instead, I will celebrate her birthday with family and friends. We will smile and we will cry, both tears of joy and sadness. For her special day, she will be in the forefront of my heart and mind. For her special month, she won't be far off from my thoughts. No other child could ever replace her. My little flower will remain in the shadows of my heart until the day we reunite in Eternity...
March is marked by a sacredness. It holds the memory of a little flower that danced into my heart and left me changed forever. When it comes, all the March memories of 2010 come flooding back. The rest of the year, I catch myself wondering if I somehow dreamed all this up. For everything around me is the same as it was before Lily was here. That's how it is with infant loss. You don't have the reminders that this person was indeed real, as you have when others pass away. People seem to easily move on and forget you, your baby, and your grief. All that I have are the memories of her alive inside me, along with the keepsakes I cling to and cherish above all else. The footprints, handprints, lock of hair, photos. When it gets hard to believe she was really even here, I open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible realities that say, yes, Lily Katherine was a real, important, special someone.
As March makes it's entrance once again on the calendar, it becomes much easier to believe she was real. The bittersweet feelings envelope me. The veil of sadness returns. My body even feels it. The memories of the first half of March 2010, full of happiness and anticipation. The memories of the second half of March 2010, full of shock, heartbreak, and tears.
March will never be just another month for me. It will remind me of my firstborn babe, the babe I never fully got to know. The babe I will always wonder what might she be like this March, as we approach her birthday. Whether she be almost 5, 10, or 25. Would she have her own flower, her own babe in her arms this year, 20 years from now, to celebrate with us? Each year, as March rolls around, it will mark another year that she wasn't here. Another year she wasn't growing and laughing and loving and a part of the family. Another year I've had to live without her.
March, the saddest, yet most beautiful month I know. It will always make me sorrowful, wondering who she would have become, yet it will always bring me joy, knowing that she was and will forever be in my heart. Though she's not a part of the family in the way I wanted, she is still a part of each and every day, for she is etched into the very fabric of our lives.
In her book "Shades of Blue," Karen Kingsbury describes a character, who was grieving a baby she lost a decade earlier, in such a way that it felt like she was writing about me:
"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby."
Losing Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.
I'm not going to pretend I don't desperately wish she was here to celebrate her almost 7th birthday. I wish we were planning a special party, full of only smiles and happy tears. Instead, I will celebrate her birthday with family and friends. We will smile and we will cry, both tears of joy and sadness. For her special day, she will be in the forefront of my heart and mind. For her special month, she won't be far off from my thoughts. No other child could ever replace her. My little flower will remain in the shadows of my heart until the day we reunite in Eternity...
"A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts." 💕
My Birthday Girl
Someone left me this comment this morning:
"As soon as I woke up and looked at my calendar, I was reminded of your precious Lily. She would be so proud of how you have continued her life within yours. 💖 "
I think it's so sweet that March reminds people of my birthday girl. And I love how she phrased that... I have continued her life within mine.
"As soon as I woke up and looked at my calendar, I was reminded of your precious Lily. She would be so proud of how you have continued her life within yours. 💖 "
I think it's so sweet that March reminds people of my birthday girl. And I love how she phrased that... I have continued her life within mine.
My Tender Heart
I don't know if it's really happening more or just that my heart is more tender in the weeks leading up to March 16.
There are many conversations that take many different directions that all lead to the same place. Where either directly or indirectly, I'm told that I shouldn't feel as I do. That it's strange I feel as I do. That I have no right to feel as I do. That I'm "stuck" on something that shouldn't even be that sad.
Is there something wrong with me? Are they right?
Every piece of me aches with the knowledge of what March brought me 7 years ago. And what March will always bring me now... the deep longing for my girl.
If she had lived one day, one year, ten years, would she have mattered more to others? If she had been here to blow out her own candles, if we knew the sound of her voice, her interests, and her laugh, would she count more? Would she finally be seen as my irreplaceable CHILD, not a "pregnancy loss"?
Why does one have to put their own baby in the ground in the tiniest coffin that should never be in order to see? 😔 💔
There are many conversations that take many different directions that all lead to the same place. Where either directly or indirectly, I'm told that I shouldn't feel as I do. That it's strange I feel as I do. That I have no right to feel as I do. That I'm "stuck" on something that shouldn't even be that sad.
Is there something wrong with me? Are they right?
Every piece of me aches with the knowledge of what March brought me 7 years ago. And what March will always bring me now... the deep longing for my girl.
If she had lived one day, one year, ten years, would she have mattered more to others? If she had been here to blow out her own candles, if we knew the sound of her voice, her interests, and her laugh, would she count more? Would she finally be seen as my irreplaceable CHILD, not a "pregnancy loss"?
Why does one have to put their own baby in the ground in the tiniest coffin that should never be in order to see? 😔 💔
Friday, February 17, 2017
March Baby Birthdays
Hello friends. 
☺️
If you are a mother or father with a baby in Heaven who was born during the month of March, please comment here (or message or email me) with their name and birthdate.
My sweet Lily Katherine was born on March 16, 2010 and I want to do something special for the other precious babies born the same month. 💚 🍀 💚
☺️If you are a mother or father with a baby in Heaven who was born during the month of March, please comment here (or message or email me) with their name and birthdate.
My sweet Lily Katherine was born on March 16, 2010 and I want to do something special for the other precious babies born the same month. 💚 🍀 💚
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Yet Another March Gone By
It's already April?! Can you believe how fast this year is passing by?
Now that March is over, I am having mixed feelings. On one hand, I am ready for it to be over because March is such a tough month for me. This morning when I mentioned to my mom that March was over, she said I should be glad because she knows it's hard for me.
That's true, but I am also sad for March to end because it is such a special month, a sacred month, her month.
I can hardly believe the next time March comes, Lily would be turning 5. For some reason, 5 seems so old! It's a milestone birthday. My mom and I were talking about her turning 5 next year and how we cannot believe that. She said something along the lines of "I can't take it, but I know I have to." How often I feel that way too. Feeling like I simply can't take losing her, yet knowing I have to because I have no other choice.
I suppose milestone birthdays will always sting a little extra, whether she be turning 1, 5, 10, 13, 16, 18, 21, 30, or 40.
I am ready for the year to march on and eager to see what the Lord has in store. The Lord has been giving me such peace, joy, and hope! He is so good!
Now that March is over, I am having mixed feelings. On one hand, I am ready for it to be over because March is such a tough month for me. This morning when I mentioned to my mom that March was over, she said I should be glad because she knows it's hard for me.
That's true, but I am also sad for March to end because it is such a special month, a sacred month, her month.
I can hardly believe the next time March comes, Lily would be turning 5. For some reason, 5 seems so old! It's a milestone birthday. My mom and I were talking about her turning 5 next year and how we cannot believe that. She said something along the lines of "I can't take it, but I know I have to." How often I feel that way too. Feeling like I simply can't take losing her, yet knowing I have to because I have no other choice.
I suppose milestone birthdays will always sting a little extra, whether she be turning 1, 5, 10, 13, 16, 18, 21, 30, or 40.
I am ready for the year to march on and eager to see what the Lord has in store. The Lord has been giving me such peace, joy, and hope! He is so good!
Monday, March 10, 2014
Not Forgotten
My dear friend Heather who was in my Ellerslie semester sent me such a thoughtful email last week. She said that as March approached, she started thinking of Lily and I more often. This is part of her email to me that blessed me so much:
"I know you've expressed struggle with thinking that Lily might be forgotten or that everyone has moved on. I just wanted you to know that although she is not always talked about, she is most definitely not forgotten! When I think of you, she naturally comes to mind as well. I can't disconnect you from her, and vice versa. Although I have never met her, she is dear to me, and I dearly wish I had had the chance to meet her. And you can be sure I will be joining you in celebrating her life on Sunday, March 16."
Thank you to those that remind me that she has not been forgotten. She could never be forgotten by me, but it does my heart good to know that she is still remembered by others too. It absolutely brought the biggest tearful smile to my face to hear that Heather thinks of Lily when she thinks of me and vice versa. My girl is so much a part of me. She's a part of my past, who I am today, and who I will be in the future. And she is a part of my Eternity.
I hope that thinking of me makes others think of Lily too, though I hope they don't think oh, how sad, rather what a beautiful LIFE and legacy that little girl has. What a precious thought it is to think of those I know and love who never had the chance to meet Lily on Earth will get to one day on streets of gold!
"I know you've expressed struggle with thinking that Lily might be forgotten or that everyone has moved on. I just wanted you to know that although she is not always talked about, she is most definitely not forgotten! When I think of you, she naturally comes to mind as well. I can't disconnect you from her, and vice versa. Although I have never met her, she is dear to me, and I dearly wish I had had the chance to meet her. And you can be sure I will be joining you in celebrating her life on Sunday, March 16."
Thank you to those that remind me that she has not been forgotten. She could never be forgotten by me, but it does my heart good to know that she is still remembered by others too. It absolutely brought the biggest tearful smile to my face to hear that Heather thinks of Lily when she thinks of me and vice versa. My girl is so much a part of me. She's a part of my past, who I am today, and who I will be in the future. And she is a part of my Eternity.
I hope that thinking of me makes others think of Lily too, though I hope they don't think oh, how sad, rather what a beautiful LIFE and legacy that little girl has. What a precious thought it is to think of those I know and love who never had the chance to meet Lily on Earth will get to one day on streets of gold!
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| Heather and I in September 2013 in Colorado when I had the blessing of staying with her family :) |
Saturday, March 1, 2014
What March Means to Me
March never meant much of anything to me. I always thought of it as
one of the boring, winter months that you must endure to arrive at
beautiful spring and summer. All that changed for me in 2010, when my
precious March flower was in my arms and just as quickly, she was
gone...
March is marked by a sacredness. It holds the memory of a little flower that danced into my heart and left me changed forever. When it comes, all the March memories of 2010 come flooding back. The rest of the year, I catch myself wondering if I somehow dreamed all this up. For everything around me is the same as it was before Lily was here. That's how it is with babyloss. You don't have the reminders that this person was indeed real, as you have when others pass away. People seem to easily move on and forget you, your baby, and your grief. All that I have are the memories of her alive inside me, along with the keepsakes I cling to and cherish above all else. The footprints, handprints, lock of hair, photos. When it gets hard to believe she was really even here, I open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible realities that say, yes, Lily Katherine was a real, important, special someone.
As March makes it's entrance once again on the calender, it becomes much easier to believe she was real. The bittersweet feelings envelope me. The veil of sadness returns. The memories of the first half of March 2010, full of happiness and anticipation. The memories of the second half of March 2010, full of shock, heartbreak, and tears.
March will never be just another month for me. It will remind me of my firstborn babe, the babe I never fully got to know. The babe I will always wonder what might she be like this March, as we approach her birthday. Whether she be almost 5, 10, or 25. Would she have her own flower, her own babe in her arms this year, twenty years from now, to celebrate with us? Each year, as March rolls around, it will mark another year that she wasn't here. Another year she wasn't growing and laughing and loving and a part of the family. Another year I've had to live without her.
March, the saddest, yet most beautiful month I know. It will always make me sorrowful, wondering who she would have become, yet it will always bring me joy, knowing that she was and will forever be in my heart. Though she's not a part of the family in the way I wanted, she is still a part of each and every day, for she is etched into the very fabric of our lives.
The book Shades of Blue, by Karen Kingsbury, is about a young woman who had an abortion nine years before the time of the book was based. I relate to so many things in the book and found myself in a puddle of tears more than once when I read it. This one particular paragraph captures all that my heart longs to express. It feels as if it's written about me:
"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." -Karen Kingsbury
Losing Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.
I'm not going to pretend I don't desperately wish she was here to celebrate her almost 4th birthday. I wish we were planning a special party, full of only smiles and happy tears. Instead, I will celebrate her birthday with family and friends. We will smile and we will cry, both tears of joy and sadness. We will release balloons to the Heavens and eat red-velvet cake or cupcakes.
For her special day, she will be in the forefront of my heart and mind. For her special month, she won't be far off from my thoughts. I will never be "over" this. I lost my firstborn child, for Pete's sake. And I will never apologize for grieving as long and as much as I need to. No other child could ever replace her. My little flower will remain in the shadows of my heart until the day we reunite in Eternity...
March is marked by a sacredness. It holds the memory of a little flower that danced into my heart and left me changed forever. When it comes, all the March memories of 2010 come flooding back. The rest of the year, I catch myself wondering if I somehow dreamed all this up. For everything around me is the same as it was before Lily was here. That's how it is with babyloss. You don't have the reminders that this person was indeed real, as you have when others pass away. People seem to easily move on and forget you, your baby, and your grief. All that I have are the memories of her alive inside me, along with the keepsakes I cling to and cherish above all else. The footprints, handprints, lock of hair, photos. When it gets hard to believe she was really even here, I open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible realities that say, yes, Lily Katherine was a real, important, special someone.
As March makes it's entrance once again on the calender, it becomes much easier to believe she was real. The bittersweet feelings envelope me. The veil of sadness returns. The memories of the first half of March 2010, full of happiness and anticipation. The memories of the second half of March 2010, full of shock, heartbreak, and tears.
March will never be just another month for me. It will remind me of my firstborn babe, the babe I never fully got to know. The babe I will always wonder what might she be like this March, as we approach her birthday. Whether she be almost 5, 10, or 25. Would she have her own flower, her own babe in her arms this year, twenty years from now, to celebrate with us? Each year, as March rolls around, it will mark another year that she wasn't here. Another year she wasn't growing and laughing and loving and a part of the family. Another year I've had to live without her.
March, the saddest, yet most beautiful month I know. It will always make me sorrowful, wondering who she would have become, yet it will always bring me joy, knowing that she was and will forever be in my heart. Though she's not a part of the family in the way I wanted, she is still a part of each and every day, for she is etched into the very fabric of our lives.
The book Shades of Blue, by Karen Kingsbury, is about a young woman who had an abortion nine years before the time of the book was based. I relate to so many things in the book and found myself in a puddle of tears more than once when I read it. This one particular paragraph captures all that my heart longs to express. It feels as if it's written about me:
"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." -Karen Kingsbury
Losing Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind, in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.
I'm not going to pretend I don't desperately wish she was here to celebrate her almost 4th birthday. I wish we were planning a special party, full of only smiles and happy tears. Instead, I will celebrate her birthday with family and friends. We will smile and we will cry, both tears of joy and sadness. We will release balloons to the Heavens and eat red-velvet cake or cupcakes.
For her special day, she will be in the forefront of my heart and mind. For her special month, she won't be far off from my thoughts. I will never be "over" this. I lost my firstborn child, for Pete's sake. And I will never apologize for grieving as long and as much as I need to. No other child could ever replace her. My little flower will remain in the shadows of my heart until the day we reunite in Eternity...
"A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts."
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Goodbye Bittersweet March
The month of March will officially be over in less than half an hour...this month has flown by. It feels like I was just posting my "Well, it's March" post on the first day of the month.
I have mixed feelings about it ending...in one sense, I feel like I can now breathe a sigh of relief. March is hard on me. It is emotionally really difficult to relive all the significant dates from March 2010.
On the other hand, March truly has a very special place in my heart. It is hard, yes, but it is beautiful...it is her month. And somehow living in it makes me feel somehow closer to her. She feels right here. Though it's tough, that is not something I would ever give up. I want to feel her near. I am so thankful she has a special day all her own that we can celebrate.
It's bittersweet...that's the perfect word.
I will miss her month. Though, it will be good to not feel the fog for a while. Next time March rolls around, Lily would be 4! Time just keeps marching by.
This month has been busy. All the anniversary dates...Lily's due date, her birthday, the day of her Celebration of LIFE Service and burial, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter just to name a few...
So many amazing things have happened in the month of March for Lily's birth month. I got the official letter saying I am speaking at my first Pregnancy Center Banquet in Illinois in October, I ordered Lily's headstone, I was asked by the Founder of Huntsville Right to Life to share my story on their website, now Lily's name will be in the credits of Return to Zero...and something else super exciting (which I will be sharing tomorrow hopefully).
And I have some other amazing news from this month! My BROTHER, Joseph, is ENGAGED...to my BEST FRIEND, Kala!! I thought Easter would be the perfect day to share this exciting news because their God-written love story is a beautiful story of redemption and grace! We are all thrilled! I already said my "official title" is Maid of Honor/Best Woman. ;)
It's been a beautiful and special month of celebration, remembrance, opened doors, and new seasons beginning.
I love you so much, Lily! My precious March flower...
I have mixed feelings about it ending...in one sense, I feel like I can now breathe a sigh of relief. March is hard on me. It is emotionally really difficult to relive all the significant dates from March 2010.
On the other hand, March truly has a very special place in my heart. It is hard, yes, but it is beautiful...it is her month. And somehow living in it makes me feel somehow closer to her. She feels right here. Though it's tough, that is not something I would ever give up. I want to feel her near. I am so thankful she has a special day all her own that we can celebrate.
It's bittersweet...that's the perfect word.
I will miss her month. Though, it will be good to not feel the fog for a while. Next time March rolls around, Lily would be 4! Time just keeps marching by.
This month has been busy. All the anniversary dates...Lily's due date, her birthday, the day of her Celebration of LIFE Service and burial, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter just to name a few...
So many amazing things have happened in the month of March for Lily's birth month. I got the official letter saying I am speaking at my first Pregnancy Center Banquet in Illinois in October, I ordered Lily's headstone, I was asked by the Founder of Huntsville Right to Life to share my story on their website, now Lily's name will be in the credits of Return to Zero...and something else super exciting (which I will be sharing tomorrow hopefully).
And I have some other amazing news from this month! My BROTHER, Joseph, is ENGAGED...to my BEST FRIEND, Kala!! I thought Easter would be the perfect day to share this exciting news because their God-written love story is a beautiful story of redemption and grace! We are all thrilled! I already said my "official title" is Maid of Honor/Best Woman. ;)
It's been a beautiful and special month of celebration, remembrance, opened doors, and new seasons beginning.
I love you so much, Lily! My precious March flower...
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