This photo was taken 8 years ago today at my sister's horse show in Hillsborough, NC. March 7th, 2010 was just one week before Lily's due date and 9 days before her birth. ❤️🐴
This popped up on my Facebook Memories today. I posted this the same day that the photo above was taken. I was eager for Lily to be born... what I didn't realize was those were the last days I'd have her here. I was in Hillsborough, NC and had no idea that in a matter of weeks, my baby girl would be buried in Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet, VA. Ruby commented on this post and asked to be reminded what her guess was for when Lily would arrive... I reminded her it was March 16th.
My Facebook Memories is full of excitement, well-wishes, and eager anticipation from 7 years ago.
Posts keep popping up of friends saying things like:
"Come on, Lily girl!"
"OMG I am getting soo excited for you as the days progress! Let me know when she arrives! I can't wait to see pics of her!"
"Keep us posted, sweet Hannah Rose."
"Hold her in just a few more days."
"Well at least it is a pretty number day and a pretty day over all. Don't forget to let us know something when you do have her! :D"
"Let me know what's going on seeing as I still have Lily's gift and I want her to be able to wear it before she grows out of it."
And me responding with thank you's and:
"I am SO ready! You will definitely see pictures soon after she's born!"
"I'll definitely keep everyone posted! I am so ready for her to get here! ughh"
I didn't know being born would mean saying goodbye. I didn't know that when I posted some of my responses, that she was already gone and I wouldn't get to share her sweet photos... at least not in the way I wanted.
My mom and I are both funny in that we like even number days better than odd. We told our friend, who was due a couple months after me (the one whose baby shower we went to the day before my due date), that we wanted Lily to be born on an even number day, so that's what she's referencing. She was born on one after all.
And my friend who said she hadn't given me Lily's gift never did give it to me. I didn't need it. I still wish I had gotten it from her.
This photo was taken 7 years ago today at my sister's horse show in Hillsborough, NC. March 7th, 2010 was just one week before Lily's due date and 9 days before her birth. ❤️
This popped up on my Facebook Memories today. I posted this the same day that the photo above was taken. I was eager for Lily to be born... what I didn't realize was those were the last days I'd have her here. I was in Hillsborough, NC and had no idea that in a matter of weeks, my baby girl would be buried in Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet, VA. Ruby commented on this post and asked to be reminded what her guess was for when Lily would arrive... I reminded her it was March 16th.
A sweet memory I have from this time 7 years ago is how friends and family gave predicted birth guesses for Lily, from the day she would be born, to the time and her weight.
The people I asked for guesses were my immediate family, the ladies at my baby shower, and friends on Facebook. I am thankful to have everyone's guesses documented in Lily's scrapbook. What a happy memory! Each date that would pass, we would say "so and so wasn't correct!" My brother, Joseph, had guessed her birthday would be February 29th, but then changed it to March 1st when he realized 2010 wasn't a leap year. I thought that was funny. ;)
It's interesting to look back now, knowing the answers: March 16th at 4:24 p.m. and 7 pounds 9 ounces.
My mom's friend, Ruby, is the only person who guessed the correct date. If you remember, Ruby just passed away last month. So this memory is extra special now. It's crazy to think that not only is the baby we were talking about gone now, but so is the person who guessed her correct birthday.
It was funny when she shared her prediction and asked what the prize was for guessing the closest. I jokingly asked her if that was the only reason she was participating, in hopes of a prize. She responded: "The prize will be getting to hold her the first time the winner sees her. That is enough. Ooooh, aaaaah, she is so cute, oh look at that little nose, oh her fingers are so tiny, look at those cute little feet, she looks just like her granddaddy Chuck. hahahaha." Ruby has finally gotten her "prize" of holding and meeting Lily. Instead of holding and meeting her on Earth, she and her husband attended Lily's Celebration of Life Service.
Her grandson was also born in March 2010. She had been my mom's good friend since they were 5 and 6. Their grandchildren would now be older than the age they were when they became friends. How special it would have been to have grandchildren growing up literally at the same time. Instead, they both did have grand babies born the same month, but one is now almost 7 and the other is a forever baby, buried in a cemetery in Virginia.
Oh, and there's my guess... March 12th. Now that's the date I believe that instead of her being born into this world, she was born into Heaven. That's when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating in my body. Maybe somehow deep down God gave me that date, knowing that's when she would be with Him for always.
A sweet memory I have from this time 6 years ago is how friends and family gave predicted birth guesses for Lily, from the day she would be born, to the time and her weight.
The people I asked for guesses were my immediate family, the ladies at my baby shower, and friends on Facebook. I am thankful to have everyone's guesses documented in Lily's scrapbook. What a happy memory! Each date that would pass, we would say "so and so wasn't correct!" My brother, Joseph, had guessed her birthday would be February 29th, but then changed it to March 1st when he realized 2010 wasn't a leap year. I thought that was funny. :)
It's interesting to look back now, knowing the answers: March 16th at 4:24 p.m. and 7 pounds 9 ounces.
My mom's friend, Ruby, is the only person who guessed the correct date. It was funny when she shared her prediction and asked what the prize was for guessing the closest. I jokingly asked her if that was the only reason she was participating, in hopes of a prize. She responded: "The prize will be getting to hold her the first time the winner sees her. That is enough. Ooooh, aaaaah, she is so cute, oh look at that little nose, oh her fingers are so tiny, look at those cute little feet, she looks just like her granddaddy Chuck. hahahaha."
I imagine looking back on that now would be funny, because Ruby's guess was correct, and she would have gotten her "prize." Instead of holding and meeting her, she and her husband attended Lily's Celebration of Life Service... Her grandson was also born in March 2010. She has been my mom's good friend since they were 5! Their grandchildren would now be the age they were when they became friends. How special it would have been to have grandchildren growing up literally at the same time. Instead, they both did have grand babies born the same month, but one is now almost 6 and the other is a forever baby, buried in a cemetery in Virginia.
Oh, and there's my guess... March 12th. Now that's the date I believe that instead of her being born into this world, she was born into Heaven. That's when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating in my body. Maybe somehow deep down God gave me that date, knowing that's when she would be with Him for always.
This photo was taken 6 years ago today at my sister's horse show in Hillsborough, NC. March 7th, 2010 was just one week before Lily's due date and 9 days before her birth.
I actually drove through Hillsborough the other day when I was on my way to Greensboro. I stopped to fill up my gas tank and was reminded of my Lily girl.
Over the past couple days, I have been reading through tears the precious words in the guest book from Lily Katherine's Celebration of Life Services, which were 5 years ago yesterday evening and this morning.
Each entry has different handwriting, representing Lily's uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, great-uncles, great-aunts, great-grandparents, and friends... all people who share their forever love for her and their support within the pages of this sacred book. They express how they will always miss her, how she has impacted their life, how they wish they could have met her, and how they have the hope of one day seeing her.
Oh how I will always cherish these tender and heartfelt words to my beautiful baby girl. I wonder how often these people think of her now. I hope they do. I can't bare the thought of them not caring about her anymore.
This is part of what my Uncle Time wrote in the guest book: "God uses tragedy to bring us to our knees, not to punish us, but to love us... Your wound will become your gift in time. Lily will always be your inspiration in your Earthly life." She is my gift and inspiration indeed! But I sure do miss her like crazy.
Today, March 27th, was the day I left a piece of my heart in the ground in Virginia. I was just barely out of my teens when I buried my baby.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life"
-The Band Perry
This is something I wrote to Lily when I shared on my blog in 2010 about her Celebration of Life Services: "You have changed me forever, sweet girl. Know that I will never, ever forget you. I will always miss you. Always love you. There will always be a hole in my heart because you aren't here with me. But, I know you're with Jesus, and that brings me great joy! Every one I meet will always know about you. How you changed me. How you changed my life. Your siblings will always know how they have a big sister named Lily. No matter how old I get, I will cherish your life and the memories I have of you. You will forever be a part of me, no matter where I go. No matter what happens next, you'll always be my little girl. Always." These words make me choke up because 5 years later, I still feel them just as deeply, if not more so.
Here are some other posts about the month of March that I've written in years past that you might be interested in reading:
It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold 5 years ago. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.
My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day 5 years ago, March 11th, 2010, was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine. I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then.
Here is an ultrasound image from that day.
What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.
I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.
Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?
The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had. And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.
My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.
On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.
This entire week holds many memories.
Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?
If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me for the rest of my life by just a few short days.
Here's a post I wrote about the memories of this week in 2010: Lily's Week
Some family friends named the Kirchmans gave me a bleeding heart plant at Lily's celebration of life/memorial service over four years ago in March 2010. I remember when they first gave it to me thinking that the little pink hearts were a powerful reflection of my bleeding mother heart. My heart that bleeds both love and sorrow. And how perfect that hearts remind me of her and my Valentine's baby shower.
We planted the bleeding heart in Lily's memorial garden and each spring around her birthday, it blooms. It is something I look forward to in the spring... the time of year when she came, but never came home.
Several days ago, I realized with a heavy heart that I had not yet seen the bleeding heart blooming this year in the spot where it was planted. I mentioned it to my mom and we both wondered if it would come back.
Then yesterday, my mom told me excitedly that I had to come see something in Lily's garden... the bleeding heart is indeed coming back! For the fifth spring season! It is just starting to bloom, but it sure made me smile to know it's still alive.
It is a connection to March 2010. A connection to Lily. It feels like the Lord is gently whispering to me through this little plant that He has not forgotten. This bleeding heart is a reminder that though things may sleep through the winter, they come back in the spring! The spring is such a glorious time of hope and resurrection. The beautiful weather has lifted my spirits more than I can say.
I am so thankful the Lord brought this little plant back to life. And even though it appeared it was gone forever, it was just sleeping. Lily might appear to be gone forever, but she is just asleep to this world... but forever alive in Jesus.
**Update** When I posted this, my friend Sarah commented and said, "OMG! I was just thinking about you yesterday when I noticed my bleeding hearts returning in my garden." How special!
Four years ago today, on March 26, 2010, Lily was taken over state lines from North Carolina where she was born to my home state of Virginia where she would forever remain on this Earth. Her spirit was already with her Creator, but her precious little body would be layed to rest in Virginia.
I am not sure how it all worked out, but we were able to transport her in the "little white box" in our car with us. I am sure it would have cost a lot of money to have her driven/flown up by someone else, so I am incredibly thankful we were able to do this. It also felt more natural for her family to take her. We kept her with us until the burial.
The funeral home in NC brought her to our home the day we would be driving up to Virginia. We were able to bring her inside our house, what was to be her home. Where she would have come back from the hospital to. I am thankful she was able to come here, even just that once.
I remember I sat in the backseat with the white box on the seat beside me and my mom and sister sat up front. We listened to the Jewel "Lullaby" CD, which was my favorite from pregnancy. On the car ride up, I wrote Lily a letter that I was to share at her memorial service that evening. I usually get really carsick if I attempt to do anything like read or write, but I didn't this time. I knew I was meant to do this. I thought I would be way too much of an emotional wreck to share, but God gave me the words and the strength.
That evening, we had a celebration of LIFE/memorial service for Lily at my Aunt Nana and Uncle Bill's house in Crozet. Friends and family gathered together for my little girl. It was a very bittersweet time of mourning her loss, yet celebrating her life. You can read all about this beautiful celebration by clicking HERE.
On March 26, 2010 at Lily's celebration of LIFE service
Today, March 12th, is the day I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone? In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?
One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?
Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...
At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. She and I, we're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.
Today, the day that marks 4 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart...mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind cannot ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...
I have another special story to share about March 16, 2010. I nanny for two little boys - brothers that we will call "J" (almost 4) and "E" (9 months). I first started watching "J" in August 2012. Their mom found my profile on a nanny/babysitter website and contacted me about possibly being their nanny.
I went to their house one summer afternoon for an interview and to meet her little guy. She said he was 2 (at the time). Right away, I thought to myself that Lily would be 2 as well. I asked when his birthday is and she replied, "in March." I said, "oh, really? What day in March?" "The 16th." I nearly fell over when she told me this.
"J" was born on Lily's exact birthday - March 16, 2010! That makes him almost 4 now. I nanny a child who is the same age as my daughter! Out of all the kids and families out there, isn't that crazy?!
The Lord put us together before I had any idea when he was born. It has been healing and special over the past year and a half to spend time with a child her age. I have said before that if he was a girl, I think it would have been too hard for me to be his nanny. He is such a precious little boy (as is his baby brother who looks just like him). My nicknames for them are "the little fella" and "the mini fella." Those are the names I lovingly refer to them as to my family.
"J" has grown up so much in the time that I've known him. It's sad at times knowing that Lily would be growing up in similar ways. He is so smart and says the cutest, silliest things. Every now and then, I ask "J" how old he is and when his birthday is. It makes my heart skip a beat each time he responds the same way Lily would have had people been able to ask her the same questions. Getting "J" presents for his birthday is special for me since I can never get Lily a present to be given to her on her birthday. He is so excited about his birthday. :)
I didn't tell his mom right away about my special connection with March 16, but last year on Lily and "J's" 3rd birthday, I told her about my girl and our shared day. She was blown away at how it worked out! She was very sweet and loving about it. She knows that I am going up to Virginia this weekend and won't be able to work next Monday and is supportive and understanding about it.
Oh, and get this... "J's" dad and I share a birthday too! August 12th. Reminders of Lily are everywhere!
One of my good friends from high-school is named Kristen. We became friends when we were in the spring musical together our junior year and ended up going to prom together, along with my friend Rachel. This photo was taken of Kristen and I before prom - she was 17 and I was 16 (so 8 years ago this spring). Kristen's mom took a photo of the photo and shared it on Facebook.
Out of all the days, months, and years to have a baby, Kristen and I both had our babies on the exact same day - March 16, 2010! We were out of touch for a few years, so when I first heard this, I could not believe it.
Kristen had a little boy, whose name also starts with an "L." If he had
been a girl, I'm sure it would be harder for me to see photos of him
growing up. It is odd though still to see photos and to know Lily would
be the exact same age that he is. Maybe one day I will meet him. I'm
sure if I do, thoughts of my girl will flood my heart and mind.
What a different day we had on March 16, 2010. The day could have been the day we both welcomed our healthy, full-term babies into the world. Yet, her day was as one would expect a birthday to be: full of joy and celebration, leading to a baby going home from the hospital to friends and family, eagerly waiting to meet him for the first time. And my day was filled with the most profound joy tinged with the deepest sorrow, leading to an empty car-seat on that hospital trip home and family and friends who said hello and goodbye in one breath, if they got to meet my baby girl at all before she was put to rest forever beneath the Virginia earth. For both of us, March 16, 2010 will always hold the memory of giving birth to our first-born babies, oh but what different memories we hold. How different each March 16 is for both of us from now on. The day could have been the day we'd celebrate each year with a cake and candles to be blown out by a child bigger than the year before. But, I celebrate with a cake for a little girl who will always stay a baby and will never blow out her own birthday candles.
Not only did Kristen and I have our babies on the same day, but we also had our baby showers on the exact same day - February 13, 2010!
Looking at that photo of us in high-school, I can't help but think about how we had no idea we would both have babies on the exact same day. I can't help but think of how carefree I was and how I never could have dreamed I'd one day (less than four years later) lose my baby before she took her first breath. Of course I would never, ever wish for anyone to know the pain of losing a child, but I can't help but wonder, why did it happen to me? I know deep down that God was in control and He has graciously allowed me to see some of the reasons. But I am a mere human, a mother, who has part of her heart in Heaven and will in a way always wonder why it had to happen to me.
March never meant much of anything to me. I always thought of it as
one of the boring, winter months that you must endure to arrive at
beautiful spring and summer. All that changed for me in 2010, when my
precious March flower was in my arms and just as quickly, she was
gone...
March is marked by a sacredness. It holds the memory of a little flower that danced into my heart and left me changed forever. When
it comes, all the March memories of 2010 come flooding back. The rest
of the year, I catch myself wondering if I somehow dreamed all this up.
For everything around me is the same as it was before Lily was here.
That's how it is with babyloss. You don't have the reminders that this
person was indeed real, as you have when others pass away. People seem
to easily move on and forget you, your baby, and your grief. All that I
have are the memories of her alive inside me, along with the keepsakes I
cling to and cherish above all else. The footprints, handprints, lock
of hair, photos. When it gets hard to believe she was really even here, I
open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible
realities that say, yes, Lily Katherine was a real, important, special someone.
As
March makes it's entrance once again on the calender, it becomes much
easier to believe she was real. The bittersweet feelings envelope me.
The veil of sadness returns. The memories of the first half of March
2010, full of happiness and anticipation. The memories of the second
half of March 2010, full of shock, heartbreak, and tears.
March
will never be just another month for me. It will remind me of my
firstborn babe, the babe I never fully got to know. The babe I will
always wonder what might she be like this March, as we approach
her birthday. Whether she be almost 5, 10, or 25. Would she have her own
flower, her own babe in her arms this year, twenty years from now, to
celebrate with us? Each year, as March rolls around, it will mark
another year that she wasn't here. Another year she wasn't growing and
laughing and loving and a part of the family. Another year I've had to
live without her.
March, the saddest, yet most
beautiful month I know. It will always make me sorrowful, wondering who
she would have become, yet it will always bring me joy, knowing that she
was and will forever be in my heart. Though she's not a
part of the family in the way I wanted, she is still a part of each and
every day, for she is etched into the very fabric of our lives.
The book Shades of Blue,
by Karen Kingsbury, is about a young woman who had an abortion nine years
before the time of the book was based. I relate to so many things in the
book and found myself in a puddle of tears more than once when I read it. This
one particular paragraph captures all that my heart longs to express. It
feels as if it's written about me:
"Her life had
moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby
remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the
way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the
hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was
Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of
everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." -Karen Kingsbury
Losing
Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I
don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind,
in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and
miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her
thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my
thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.
I'm
not going to pretend I don't desperately wish she was here to celebrate
her almost 4th birthday. I wish we were planning a special party, full
of only smiles and happy tears. Instead, I will celebrate her
birthday with family and friends. We
will smile and we will cry, both tears of joy and sadness. We will
release balloons to the Heavens and eat red-velvet cake or cupcakes.
For her
special day, she will be in the forefront of my heart and mind. For her
special month, she won't be far off from my thoughts. I will never be
"over" this. I lost my firstborn child, for Pete's sake. And I will
never apologize for grieving as long and as much as I need to. No other
child could ever replace her. My little flower will remain in the
shadows of my heart until the day we reunite in Eternity...
I am remembering what mid-January has brought in the past years...
On January 15th, 2010, friends from my local support group gave birth to and lost their precious twin sons, who were born too soon...
On January 15th, 2011, friends from my local support group were supposed to give birth to their precious daughter, who also came too soon, the September before that...
On January 15th, 2012, friends from my local support group were supposed to give birth to their precious son (Marcellus who I have written about quite a few times), who also came too soon, the October before that...
It is crazy how people in my group have so many similar names and dates in common.
Exactly three years ago today, on January 16th, 2010, I remember just what I was doing...Lily was exactly two months from making her arrival. My mom, sister, and I participated in the Raleigh Rally and March for Life downtown. We made signs to carry and I was so proud to show off my prego belly! I remember the powerful speeches that were made, that I have video recorded to this day. I remember walking really far and getting tired, being seven months pregnant and all.
I also remember the precious 6-week old baby boy named Nathaniel who we met there...my mom and I talked to his mom. The family had all red-headed children, including little Nathaniel. He was so cute! Nathaniel seemed enamored with me! I said he knew Lily was growing away inside me. :) We joked and said that he and Lily were going to get married one day...it would be an "arranged marriage," whether they liked it or not. ;) I remember I couldn't stop staring at him because of how precious he was and I longed to one day soon hold my own bundle of baby love.
In 2011, my mom and I saw him and his family at the North Carolina Right to Life Prayer Breakfast. Right away, we recognized his mom from the year before and my heart ached so much knowing Lily should have been there that year, outside of the womb. She could have finally met Nathaniel, who had grown so much in a year's time. He was walking all over the place.
At times, we still think of little Nathaniel and wonder where he is now...he is over 3 now. I bet he still has that red hair. But, he will never marry Lily. Even if it was just a joke, it's just a reminder that she will never marry anyone. Oh, how I dreamed of her marrying an amazing Christian man one day and having precious children of her own - my grandchildren. I didn't just lose a daughter, but more possible family members...so many dreams and desires were lost on that stormy March day in 2010.
This post (along with several others) have been sitting in my drafts for a long time. I figure it's time to finish and post them... That first week without my Lily, I was shocked...heartbroken...devastated...shattered. But, I did not break. My Lord was holding me together, keeping my heart from crumbling, as I watched my world change before my eyes.
I left the hospital, holding on to the promise of seeing Lily again. I knew I'd see her one last time before her burial. However, in the following days, things weren't exactly working out the way I wanted them to, so I didn't know if that would happen after all. I am so thankful it did.
Six days after I gave birth to my silent daughter, I went to see her at the funeral home. A piece of me was already there, where she was, and I was just aching to be near her. For the first time in all those months, she wasn't with me. The phantom kicks reminded me of what I had lost. I felt so empty without her. Like literally part of myself was missing. She truly was a part of me, living inside of me all that time. The limo arrived and Mr. Willie picked my mom, sister, and I up and we embarked on the journey across town to discuss the details of Lily's memorial service and burial. The car was hot, I was warm, I was trying to choke back the tears.
I wondered if I was ready to see her...would I ever be ready? Would I regret if I did, or regret if I didn't? The fear and the sadness were right on the surface and all I could do was ask God for guidance. Lord, if you want me to see her, speak it to my heart. If I shouldn't see her, keep me from her.
They tried to discourage me from seeing her. They said she didn't look like she did at the hospital. They said I wouldn't want that to be the last memory of her. I wondered why they were saying that...what did my little girl look like? I was afraid to know. After discussing all the details, I decided I did want to see her. I needed that closure. That one last kiss. I needed to see her in that sweet outfit she was wearing, and those little brown shoes. I had peace in my decision. Walking down the stairs, I looked over to my left where I saw a tiny white casket on the other side of the room...
There she is, Lord. There she is. Should I look? Oh, Lord, my little girl...her lifeless body is right before my eyes. Her body that was in me, such a part of me and yet separate, less than a week ago, now there she is in that white little box.
Hesitantly, I approached her. Instead of fear or alarm, I felt complete joy to see my beautiful girl. She was so beautiful. I smiled at her in her beautiful outfit, the one we had picked out for her to come home from the hospital in. What was to be her "coming home from the hospital outfit" turned out to be her "going home to Jesus outfit." Her true home. Her forever Home. This beautiful pink outfit is one of the only two she will ever wear. The first one she wore is now tucked away safely inside her memory chest. Underneath, she wore a precious onesie that mom and I found for her at J.C. Penny, on one of our many shopping outings. We loved to shop for our sweet little girl! Both mom and I were so certain she was a girl that we shopped for her before any doctor told us so! :-) It has roses on it, for her mommy, Hannah Rose. My Lily in her Rose dress. It was a matching set, with a dress, pants underneath and a hat.
Lily wore her adorable brown shoes. The pair I had sitting on my dresser for the entire pregnancy. The pair that I couldn't wait for her to wear. I miss those little brown shoes with the sweet little bows on them. I miss the excitement of holding them in my hands, as I waited for the little girl who would one day soon fill them. They were so tiny for my tiny little girl. For her age, my girl had big hands and feet though! It was so cute to see her feet squashed into the shoes. She could barely fit them as a newborn!
My mom, my sister, Emma, and I spent some time alone with Lily. There are three boys and three girls in my family. Us girls call ourselves, "the Girl's Club." Lily was to be the newest member of our little "club." No matter how many more babies are born into this family in the future, she will always and forever be the fourth member. I cherish these pictures and memories.
As our time with Lily was ending, my heart was breaking. I knew these would be the last moments spent with her. I didn't want to leave her there, in that cold funeral home. I wanted to take her home with me. But, that was never meant to be.
I had brought along my lambskin from when I was a baby. It was waiting in the cradle by my bed to be used by Lily when she came home from the hospital. But, she never got to use it. I tore a piece of it and put it in the casket with her, resting under her hand.
My mind was so scattered in these first few days and weeks, so none of this was planned. I look back now and see how beautifully orchestrated by God it was. It all just fell into place.
My sister had on my old Purity ring that my grandmother had given to me when I was 15. I decided to tie it around Lily's dress. My pure, set-apart princess. Lily meaning purity. Lily, a symbol of my renewed purity in Christ. The ring somehow had become torn down the middle. Just as my purity had been torn. Yet, my Jesus pieced it back together. And this little girl was a symbol of that. She was the instrument He used. Since then, I have gotten a new Purity ring, a whole one, to wear until my wedding day...
It was time to go. How do you share a home with someone, carrying them in your womb for nine months, your heart bonding with hers, only to have to let go. I had to say goodbye to the very one that had lived and grown within me for nearly a year.
I whispered in her ear, "I love you, Lily." It felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. My mother heart wanted to stay in that place with her forever. All these stages of saying goodbye...leaving the hospital. Leaving the funeral home. Soon to be leaving the cemetery after the burial. I willed myself to move, but my legs seemed stuck, like they were in concrete. I knew this would be the last time I'd see her pretty face. I can count the number of times I kissed her, rather than a lifetime of sweet kisses. I knew the next time I saw her would be at the burial and that little white box would have a closed lid...The hope of eternity with her gave me strength to carry on...
After taking in one last look of my beautiful girl, all dressed up for Jesus...I gave her one last kiss goodbye....
These are the details of March 27, 2010 - the day my daughter was buried beneath the earth. The day I left a piece of me in the ground in Virginia.
The day was so beautiful, a mere human never could have planned it out. As a dear family friend named Bob Kirchman said, the Master's Fingerprint is all over the details of that day, from the beginning to the end...
Waking up that spring morning, I couldn't wait to open the curtains and peek outside. More than anything else, I didn't want another rainy, gloomy day. To my delight, the sky was blue and the sun felt bright and warm on my face. We had Lily's Celebration of LIFE/Memorial Service the evening before, on March 26th, and it had been dark and rainy. The contrast in the two days was a sweet reminder of how the sorrow and joy dance together...how the heart of God grieved along with us...yet, in Christ, we have the hope of Eternity and the hope that while on Earth, He will breathe beauty into the story and turn our weeping into dancing. He will work all things together for our good and His glory...
Before leaving for the service that morning, when I saw my grandmother (who also lost a baby), she gave me a beautiful necklace. It was a heart and symbolized the four generations - three pearls on the bottom to symbolize my grandmother, mother, and myself (living on Earth), and the stone above symbolizes Lily in Heaven. How incredibly sweet and thoughtful! It was so special to have to wear to the service.
I wanted the service and burial to be as natural as possible, meaning no green tents, chairs, etc. (basically anything you think of when you hear the word "funeral.") It seemed like because she was a baby, she needed a more "babyish" service. I didn't want people wearing too much black. Her life had brought so much color to my world. And even though we were grieving, we were rejoicing that she was safe at home with Jesus and would never know a world marred with sin and pain. The service was lovely, just perfect. Looking back, the one thing I wish I could change would be to include programs with Lily's name, birthday, footprints, and a photo and poem perhaps, for people to take home with them to remember the sacred day. I also wish I had thought of and had the time to make a beautiful video tribute (like I've shared below) to play at her service. That would have been really special.
As her obituary stated, under the open sky and surrounded by the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains, all were welcomed to gather around sweet Lily to celebrate her LIFE at the Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet, Virginia. It was a time of mourning, yes, but not like those who mourn that have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). We celebrated that she was...and that she will forever be in Heaven.
A partial view of the mountains from Hillsboro Cemetery on the day of Lily's burial.
Of course, the flowers were roses and lilies, which rested on top of her little white casket. White, perfect for my pure and innocent one. Pink roses and and white lilies - such beautiful colors together. It felt wrong to see a casket that tiny. On top of the "little white box" as I called it were the words "loved and cherished." Yes, she was is. Thank you to my Aunt Helen and Uncle Scott for getting Lily's service flowers.
Our family's pastor growing up, Pastor Bob, efficiated the service. He baptized me the summer I was 14, he was there when I buried my child, and one day, I hope he will marry me. He has been with my family through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. I am so thankful he was there as a special part of the day.
For the service, we rested Lily's casket on top of my grandparent's and Aunt Rachel's headstone bench. It is such a unique and beautiful bench that I sit on now when I visit Lily and my other family at Hillsboro Cemetery.
A family friend, Mrs. Deale, brought beautiful yellow flowers for several of us. That was such a sweet gesture that I will never forget. The flowers are now dried out. Some will go in a memory chest for Lily and some will go in a scrapbook.
I wore my maternity dress, the very one I had worn a month and a half before at my baby shower. I got it at a cute little maternity shop called "Love in Bloom" across the street from Rex Hospital, where I had all my doctor's appointments and where Lily was born. That morning, I remember looking in the mirror at how the dress fell over me and I realized how different I looked in it this time than the last. The last time I wore it, it was filled with her life. It seemed only appropriate to wear it. The dress was black, so I splashed it up with a white coat. I guess the two colors matched my mixed emotions...the sorrow dancing with the joy. After only a week and a half since delivering a fullterm baby, I still looked somewhat pregnant.
It was hurtful that more people didn't make more of an effort to come. I mean, I understand that life stuff is going on, but this sort of thing doesn't happen every day, to your friend or family member. It felt like people thought other things were more important than mourning and celebrating my daughter's life with me. It's not like they can come at a further notice. It's not like they can come to her birthday parties through the years. This was it. Someone even told my mom that they couldn't make it because they had a baby shower to attend. What an ironic twist. There will be years to celebrate that life, but only one time to celebrate Lily's in this way... I guess the simple fact is people make an effort to be there for the things that are truly important to them. If this service had truly been important to them, they would have been there.
I am thankful my best friend, Kala, took photos of the day. Someone asked her there why she was taking them, as if it was unthoughtful and strange. You see, these are some of the only memories I will ever have of my child. These are some of the only pictures that will fill a scrapbook just for her. These pictures mean so much to me...I have heard several other parents who have lost a baby say they wish they had thought of taking photos at their child's service.
There was a place set up outside for friends and family to sign a special memorial guest book.
While I was pregnant, a family friend named Kathy (who my mom has known for decades) made me a very special journal in honor of Lily. I decided to use that for Lily's guest book - which was much more meaningful and prettier than a typical memorial guest book. People wrote sweet messages to me and Lily. It has Jeremiah 29:11 on it, which talks about the plans the Lord has for us. Though the plans He has for Lily's life and legacy are different than what I originally thought or wanted, He still has a plan and purpose, for her life and in her death.
My best friend, Kala, decorated the inside cover for me, which I love. How appropriate that the book has butterflies on it, which have become very symbolic and meaningful to me.
Pastor Bob spoke beautiful words and shared Scripture (one day soon, I hope to share the video recording of Lily's service - another thing I am so incredibly thankful to have). We had discussed the night before what I wanted him to say. I really left a lot of it up to him. My only desire was that all who attended the service would have their hearts and eyes pointed towards Christ. After he was finished sharing, I played three special songs. Songs that will forever remind me of my girl. Two of the songs I found on Jonathan's Journey blog a few months before losing Lily, before I ever knew what was to come. I remember sobbing as I listened to the songs and watched Jonathan's video. They left such a deep impact on my heart. I am thankful that God let me hear them because I remembered them when I lost Lily and had them for her service. I probably wouldn't have known about them if I hadn't of heard them before. I know the Lord led me to those perfect songs.
The first song is called "Childhood Memories" and is a piano instrumental. It seems to express the emotions of having and losing Lily in a way words never could. The second song is my absolute favorite song and is called "I Will Carry You" by Selah. It was so moving and powerful for all to hear it at her service. Oh, I still cannot listen to it without crying. In the first few weeks after losing Lily, I would want to just get out of the house to be alone and would turn it up so loudly and bawl my eyes out. The words are absolutely breathtakingly perfect.
You can hear both of these songs on Lily's video tribute that I made in her honor:
"I Will Carry You" lyrics:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
The final song I chose to play at her service is called "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. My mom's dear friend Ruby from childhood shared it with me right after I had Lily and it will forever remind me of that time in my life and her service. I feel the music and words beautifully articulate the sorrow and the joy that comes in hoping in Christ. It was important to me to end the service on a "hopeful note." The harmonica is so beautiful. I knew that Jesus was holding me, even in the midst of the deepest despair. I wanted everyone at her service to walk away with that hope tucked away in their hearts...
"Your Hands" lyrics: I have unanswered prayers I have trouble I wish wasn't there And I have asked a thousand ways That You would take my pain away That You would take my pain away. I am trying to understand How to walk this weary land Make straight the paths that crooked lie Oh Lord before these feet of mine Oh Lord before these feet of mine When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands When You walked upon the earth You healed the broken, lost, and hurt I know You hate to see me cry One day You will set all things right Yeah, one day You will set all things right When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands Your hands Your hands that shaped the world Are holding me, they hold me still Your hands that shaped the world Are holding me, they hold me still When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave You
After the service ended, I knew it was time for the burial. After everyone finished signing Lily's guest book, people were visiting for a while. Some people left, but many stayed.
I had Lily's little bunny and pillow with her for the service and considered having them buried with her, but decided to keep them for her memory chest. Bunnies (and lambs) remind me of Lily. She was born shortly before Easter.
A mama and baby bunny - for me and sweet Lily girl.
On the day of Lily's burial, I was wearing my special red LIFE band, which is a symbol of my commitment to be a voice for unborn LIFE...a voice for my Luke and Lily. Each LIFE is beautiful and sacred and God has a plan and purpose for each individual, precious life, created in His image. I decided at the last minute (which I am very pleased about now) to bury Lily with this band. I now wear another matching LIFE band nearly every day. Lily's story is a glorious story of LIFE and redemption...Jesus brought life to her mommy through her and He will continue to speak LIFE through her story for years to come...
Lily was lowered beneath the earth in her cozy green Moses basket, the one we had gotten just for her. The one I never could have shared with another baby. It was one of the first things Mom and I picked out for Lily. And having her buried in it was a last-second decision, one I am very pleased with now. As her basket and box were placed into the ground, there was a sacred stillness, a silence, that swept over the place. It swept over every heart. It was as if I was holding my breath, aware of the finality of this moment. We sprinkled the dug-out ground with rose and lily petals, dirt, and tears...
I am so incredibly thankful for the support and love of family and friends. I think this photo captures that really beautifully.
I am not sure how many people actually stayed for the burial, but I couldn't move. It was like I was stuck there and couldn't leave until it was all said and done. And I didn't...I was the last to leave when there was grass where she was now underneath the earth. The roses and lilies rested on top. I didn't know that I was going to stay for the actual burial, but I needed that closure. This was such a difficult day, knowing it was the last time I would physically be near her tiny body. Though I know that she is not in the ground and is alive in Heaven, oh, how I loved that little body...oh, how I miss it...
My family was standing around talking and through only the workings of the Lord, my Aunt Sarah (my mom's sister) decided to marry her fiance, Steve. They had been together literally since I was a baby and yet, she had never made the marriage commitment to him. Family and friends had been trying for years to get them to marry. It is an honor to know that my girl is the instrument God used to finally make it happen. People are realizing how fragile and precious LIFE is because of Lily. This may sound strange and spur of the moment to some, but if you were in my family or know my family, you would understand this wasn't strange at all. It was so special and amazing.
In a way, I didn't want the attention taken off of Lily for this special day, but I also wanted the day to be a reflection of how God works. There is mourning, but even more than that, there is joy and hope. Though Lily passed away, this marriage is a reflection of new life. Their new life together. The hope of new life forever with Lily in Eternity. The marriage covenant is a symbol of the covenant between Christ and His Church. One day, He is coming again. It's His promise...and I cling to it. Because of the redemptive work God did through Lily's life, I will be ready for His coming and will be with Jesus and Lily forever and always!
The family and a few close friends drove over to Mint Springs Valley Park in Crozet, just a few miles from Hillsboro Cemetery. We were planning a picnic lunch there, in honor of Lily. It ended up also being a wedding celebration. Pastor Bob married them on a hilltop there. We laughed and we cried. Pictured in this photo are me, my siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, and Pastor Bob and his wife, Sharon.
We sprinkled some of the flowers from Lily's service on the ground at the marriage ceremony. It was beautiful. In this photo, you can see the bleeding heart plant that was given to me at Lily's service the evening before (so perfectly symbolic). That plant is now in Lily's memorial garden and blooms each year around the time she was born. You can also see a lily plant that was given to me at her service.
We ate and we celebrated.
Aunt Sarah threw her bouquet, the very flowers I had held at Lily's service. She threw them and I caught them. It was a sweet reminder from my God that He has a glorious future planned for me. And a big part of that future is because of Lily and all He did through her precious life. I am a new creation because of Christ Jesus and the plans God holds for my future are far better than I can comprehend and certainly far better than I deserve.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
March 27th will always be a shared day for my Aunt Sarah and I - the day of my daughter's burial and her wedding day...somehow so beautifully intertwined.
After everything wrapped up, I took wedding photos of Aunt Sarah and Uncle Steve. Sarah and I also took some photos together. I love this picture of the two of them, with the rabbit to symbolize Lily. She was a huge part of their day. I now hope that when people wish them a happy anniversary each year, they will remember the little girl who was the reason we were all together in the first place...
The day of Lily's burial will forever be remembered as a time of deep grief, yet a time of profound celebration.
A family friend named Bob said something about the day that has stuck with me since. He painted a picture in my mind of Lily sitting in Jesus' lap as He shows her how He works in our lives. Certainly He had much to say about this special day. :-)
The memories of this sacred day will forever be etched into my heart and mind...
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