Thursday, March 13, 2014

Lily's Week

The month of March will always be "Lily's month" in my heart. March 16 is "Lily's day." And the week of March 11-March 17 is "Lily's week." Each of these days holds a specific memory from 2010. I have always been a "dates person," meaning I remember dates where the most random things happened for years and years. I remember all the birthdays from my friends in middle school. So it's no surprise that I remember those dates in March from the time when Lily came and went.

On March 11, 2010, I had my last prenatal doctor's appointment and my last ultrasound. It was the last time I would hear Lily's heart beating, the last time I'd ever see her moving around with life within her. How was I to know there wouldn't be a lifetime ahead?

March 12, 2010, was the date that I had guessed Lily would be born. My family and some of my friends all guessed what day and time Lily would be born, how much she'd weigh, and how long she'd be. I chose March 12 (I chose the 12th because my birthday is August 12). That is the date I now believe she was born into Heaven, rather than born on Earth.

On March 13, 2010, I went to my friend Candy's baby shower. We met when we took classes together for pregnant moms at LifeCare Pregnancy Center in Raleigh. Her daughter was born a couple months after Lily. That was the day the last happy picture of me pregnant with Lily was taken. I was proud to show off my enormous belly and proud to say I was due the following day and that Lily would be arriving at any point. I was in major pain that day and felt like a whale. I was definitely ready to get Lily out! Looking at this photo now, I can hardly believe I was that big! In a way, I remember what it was like to be pregnant, but in a way, I have forgotten a lot about what pregnancy is like. That evening, my sister, her friend and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut (one of my biggest pregnancy cravings were the personal pan cheese pizzas there). I remember feeling so happy that night.

March 14, 2010 was my due date. It will always be a special date to me because it is associated with happy memories of the days when I'd dream of Lily being born.

March 15, 2010 was the last full day I was pregnant. I knew Lily would be coming so soon!

March 16, 2010 was the day Lily was born. She arrived at 4:24 p.m., weighing in at 7 pounds 9 ounces and was 21 inches long. The day unfolded unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

And March 17, 2010 was the day I left the hospital without Lily. It was St. Patrick's Day. I remember seeing people wearing green.

Those seven days are what I consider to be "Lily's week." And then of course the later dates in March when we had her celebration of LIFE service and burial.

In a way, it's painful to have a mind that remembers dates so much. Each date has a vivid memory and the feelings associated with it. But, I am thankful to remember. I pray I never forget. As the years pass, the pain during the month of March is less intense. It is more like a lasting dull ache. An ache that I have learned to live with it. Though the month of March does have a way of bringing out my emotions more.

Today was the first day I can remember for a long time actually crying. I was thinking about Lily and it hit me suddenly that I have a child who is not here. A child who I will never know so many things about. I mean, I always know that, but sometimes it really settles in my heart, ya know? I thank the Lord He has healed my heart as much as He has in the past four years. I thank Him for getting me through each day. I truly would be lost without Jesus.


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