Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Even Today

The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.

Everything is feeling so.... gray.

To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. Work. More classes starting this week after spring break. Among all the other life activities. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.

Instead, another March 16 has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19 and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for four years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...

Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad. Lily's birthday weekend was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.

March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.

On Monday morning, the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her. Monday (March 17) marked four years since I last held Lily and the day I left the hospital without her.

My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.

"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."

This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.

And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.

As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.

Lily's special spot decorated for her birthday... much more about her special day later!


  1. Hello Hannah,

    We haven't met, I found your blog through a mutual friend. And yet, I'm so honored to be able to share in one of the deepest, most intimate parts of your life. Through your blog I feel as if I know you and Lily Katherine. Please know that Lily Katherine is not forgotten! I often think of you both. Thank you for sharing so openly. It has blessed me and drawn me closer to my Savior!


  2. It was indeed the most dreary of weekends.... I hope that the sun today has given you a smile... I hope it is shining at your house the way it is at mine. March is such a sad month for me as well. March 18th my daughter was 8. I hope the celebration with her Father was beautiful.

    (((hugs))) my friend


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