Monday, March 3, 2014

The Place Where She Lives

I was just thinking about how much this blog means to me. I have been writing here for 4 1/2 years and I cannot imagine not continuing to do so.

This blog has become my sacred space for Lily. It's her space... the place where she comes alive. The place where her memory is real. The place where I feel my heart rest in knowing she really existed. And I'm really a mother, even without a child on Earth to raise. The place where it feels like others also acknowledge she existed and love and miss her with me. It's the place where I keep her alive in my heart as well as in the hearts of others, even when her body is buried in the Virginia earth and has been for nearly 4 years.

Writing is my way of processing everything - my grief, my loss, my love for her (and Luke). It is how I cope with my life without them. Writing and sharing everything I share on this blog is my way of mothering. It's the only way I know how to mother and honestly I sometimes think that if God blesses me with living children in the future, I won't even know how to do that "normally" because this very "un-normal" way to mother one's child in your 20s is all I know.

I am so thankful for a place to call her own. My safe place. I share so openly about my story and my thoughts and feelings along the path God has chosen for me (which is very difficult to do and sometimes I reconsider being so open out of fear of what others may say or think about me). Do others think I am crazy? Do they think I should be "over" this? Do they not count Lily as "real?" Do they think I dwell on all of this too much?

She was real. And this is a real blog with real words from my real mother's heart that loves and misses my real little girl.

I feel like I have to share... like I have to give voice to her. I have to share what it's like to walk this road. I have to share the value of each life. I have to share the grief over losing a baby. I have to share that God is enough for any and every heartache one might face in this life.

Writing helps me. Sharing her helps me. If I didn't have this blog, I truly believe my heart would be a lot less healed than it is right now. I am thankful God led me to write that first post on my new blog called "Rose and Her Lily" back in October 2009 when I was around halfway through my pregnancy.

I don't know what the future will hold for this blog... but for now I know I must write. For now this is my way of mothering her. Maybe in the future, I will process things and feel the need to mother her differently. But for now this is what I need.

And that is okay...

Thank you to those who care to read these words of mine. Thank you for loving Lily and caring to read about her LIFE and legacy and all the things done in her honor and memory. If you are here, I would love to know who you are. I would love to hear your story. How did you come here? Why do you keep coming back here? I feel like I bare my heart and soul in this place and I would like to at least "meet" who is reading. :)

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