Wednesday, March 12, 2014

"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

Today, March 12th, is the day I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. She and I, we're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 4 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart...mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind cannot ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...



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This post left me:

4 comments:

  1. tears..... such beautiful and perfect words. I very distinctly remember my daughter's last felt movement.... YOUR words have put mine into black and white for me.... thank you. :) I have never been able to talk about it.

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  2. I have often contemplated on that moment as well. I wonder what I was doing the moment Jonathan stepped into heaven. I will be praying for you and the upcoming days I know this is a difficult time for your heart.

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  3. Somehow I believe I know the exact moment Caroline left. I remember feeling so distinctly different. Looking back, I knew she was gone, but I wouldn't allow myself to believe it. I have questioned what she felt, was she sad, happy, etc. I can't wait to ask her all of these questions one day...what a wonderful day that will be.

    Thinking of you and praying for you in these coming days.

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  4. I can so very much relate to this and felt like I was reading my own story in your words…I remember Solveig floating inside of me, just as you remember Lily doing the same thing…and like Nicole above me said, I didn't want to believe that it was true that she could be gone…it just felt too surreal. I've always wondered if she suffered…sometimes it has caused me such anxiety. And I've had to stop in those moments and ask the Lord to calm my spirit and to help me to focus on other things. So hard…

    Praying for you as you think about your sweet girl. You will always be Lily's loving mama.

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