Spud Day

Lily Katherine was due on March 14th, 2010 (National Potato Chip Day), so one of her nicknames is "Spud." 😌 ❤️ 

Ironically, the food I ate nonstop during my pregnancy were hash browns (I like to think God has a funny sense of humor). I craved them daily and enjoyed them homemade, as well as at all different restaurants. It's only appropriate that we've made eating them a tradition each year on this day, in honor of our little Spud. My favorite way to eat them is with some soft and some crispy. And with ketchup. Delicious!

My friend Naomi wrote Lily's name and nickname in a potato field on Prince Edward Island in the Summer of 2014 because she remembered what it means to me. Wasn't that so cute and thoughtful?

Though Lily was not born on March 14th, it was the day she was due, the date I associated with her my entire pregnancy. I shared that date when people asked how far along I was. So naturally, I still think of her on this date. I thought it sounded like such a pretty day to be due. I always liked even numbers better than odd.

I love having special days/memories/cute stories like this to share with others...because the fact is, I hardly got to make any memories at all with my first-born babe. And things like this remind me that she was real! She was truly here. March helps remind me and others around me that I didn't just lose an idea of a person, but a real, living, important, special someone...my precious daughter.

I know due dates mean different things for people who have lost babies. For me, the due date is a special, happy memory because I was still carrying Lily and was oblivious to the fact that she was already gone.

My family now calls this day "Spud Day." :) And my friend Christine called Lily a tater tot, which is adorable!

Look at this sweet 0-3 month baby shirt that my "little" cousin Anna made me for Lily when I was pregnant. It's now in Lily's memory chest. Her initials are on the front. :)

If you like hash browns, today is a great day to eat them in honor of little Lily. I'd love to know if you do. ♥ 

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Blissfully Unaware

This photo was taken 8 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big! 💖

It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here, as well as another daughter. 

I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet. 

I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon. 

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

I originally shared this on this date in 2012... 💕

Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.

In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

A few years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.

Here are the lyrics:

I was awakened last night.

To the sound of dancing feet above me.

I thought they were on my roof.

'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.

Opened my eyes and saw

What I thought was an angel dancing.

She was a perfect child.

She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

Her hair was golden

like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.

She was laughing and spinning.

She couldn’t stop singing this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

This is Amy’s Song

This is Amy’s Song.

From her streets of gold

She is singing you a song.

Singing you a song.

Don’t stop holding on.

Can you see her at His throne

With her hair of gold?

She is holding – holding on

To the threads of His robe.

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song of hope.

“Hope is being born in you

Hope is being woven.

Hope is being born in you

Hope is coming.

Don’t stop holding on.”

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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Even Today

This is something I originally shared after Lily's 4th birthday... I'm feeling similarly with her 7th.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.

Everything is feeling so.... gray.

To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.

Instead, another March 16th has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19th and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for 7 years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...

Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad.

Lily's birthday was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.

March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.

On the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her.

My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.

"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."

This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.

And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.

As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.

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Birthday Reminder

My sister-in-law Kala sent me this screenshot of a reminder this morning from her phone. 💕🌸 #averyspecialday

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Spud Day

Lily Katherine was due 7 years ago today on March 14th, 2010 (National Potato Chip Day), so one of her nicknames is "Spud." 😌 ❤️ 

Ironically, the food I ate nonstop during my pregnancy were hash browns (I like to think God has a funny sense of humor). I craved them daily and enjoyed them homemade, as well as at all different restaurants. It's only appropriate that we've made eating them a tradition each year on this day, in honor of our little Spud. My favorite way to eat them is with some soft and some crispy. And with ketchup. Delicious!

My friend Naomi wrote Lily's name and nickname in a potato field on Prince Edward Island in the Summer of 2014 because she remembered what it means to me. Wasn't that so cute and thoughtful?

Though Lily was not born on March 14th, it was the day she was due, the date I associated with her my entire pregnancy. I shared that date when people asked how far along I was. So naturally, I still think of her on this date. I thought it sounded like such a pretty day to be due. I always liked even numbers better than odd.

I love having special days/memories/cute stories like this to share with others...because the fact is, I hardly got to make any memories at all with my first-born babe. And things like this remind me that she was real! She was truly here. March helps remind me and others around me that I didn't just lose an idea of a person, but a real, living, important, special someone...my precious daughter.

I know due dates mean different things for people who have lost babies. For me, the due date is a special, happy memory because I was still carrying Lily and was oblivious to the fact that she was already gone.

Last year, my brother Joseph called today "Spud Day." That's what I call it now. And my friend Christine called Lily a tater tot, which is adorable!

If you like hash browns, today is a great day to eat them in honor of little Lily. ♥ 

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Blissfully Unaware

This photo was taken 7 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big! ❤️

It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here, as well as another daughter. 

I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet. 

I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon. 

Today my mom said we should do something special for Lily every day this week. So tonight we are going to have a personal pan cheese pizza at the same Pizza Hut on the same date. 🍕 ❤️ 

I have lots of special birthday things to share, but I am waiting to share it all in one post.

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

I originally shared this on this date in 2012... 💕

Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.

In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

A couple years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.

Here are the lyrics:

I was awakened last night.

To the sound of dancing feet above me.

I thought they were on my roof.

'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.

Opened my eyes and saw

What I thought was an angel dancing.

She was a perfect child.

She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

Her hair was golden

like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.

She was laughing and spinning.

She couldn’t stop singing this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

This is Amy’s Song

This is Amy’s Song.

From her streets of gold

She is singing you a song.

Singing you a song.

Don’t stop holding on.

Can you see her at His throne

With her hair of gold?

She is holding – holding on

To the threads of His robe.

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song of hope.

“Hope is being born in you

Hope is being woven.

Hope is being born in you

Hope is coming.

Don’t stop holding on.”

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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If She'd Been Born Today

This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2015...

These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...

It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.

My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.

Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.

I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then. I still have the paper with the induction date on it (it's now in Lily's scrapbook).

This popped up on my Facebook Memories today... my post from this date in 2010.

And this is what I posted on yesterday's date in 2010... if only those had been real contractions and she had been born then.

What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.

I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.

Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?

The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.

My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.

On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.

This entire week holds many memories.

Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?

If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.

Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...

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Blissfully Unaware

This photo was taken 6 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big!

It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here. 

I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet. 

I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon. I went to that Pizza Hut with my sister-in-law recently and I was filled with memories from that night. 

I just miss my little Lily with all my heart.

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

This is a post I originally shared on this date in 2012...

Today, March 12th, is the day I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. She and I, we're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 6 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart...mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind cannot ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

Last year on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.

Here are the lyrics:

I was awakened last night.

To the sound of dancing feet above me.

I thought they were on my roof.

Till it struck me – they were on golden streets.

Opened my eyes and saw

What I thought was an angel dancing.

She was a perfect child.

She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

Her hair was golden

like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.

She was laughing and spinning.

She couldn’t stop singing this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

This is Amy’s Song

This is Amy’s Song.

From her streets of gold

She is singing you a song.

Singing you a song.

Don’t stop holding on.

Can you see her at His throne

With her hair of gold?

She is holding – holding on

To the threads of His robe.

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song of hope.

“Hope is being born in you

Hope is being woven.

Hope is being born in you

Hope is coming.

Don’t stop holding on.”

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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If She'd Been Born Today

This is a post I wrote last year about this date (I just changed it to 6 years). My mom is out of town this year, but texted me this morning and said "I keep thinking of your last happy appointment with Dr. March." These memories on these dates are burned into our minds and hearts...

It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold 6 years ago. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.

My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day 6 years ago, March 11th, 2010, was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine. I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then.

Here is an ultrasound image from that day.

What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.

I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.

Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?

The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had. And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.

My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.

On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.

This entire week holds many memories.

Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?

If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me for the rest of my life by just a few short days.

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Even Today

The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.

Everything is feeling so.... gray.

To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. Work. More classes starting this week after spring break. Among all the other life activities. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.

Instead, another March 16 has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19 and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for four years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...

Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad. Lily's birthday weekend was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.

March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.

On Monday morning, the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her. Monday (March 17) marked four years since I last held Lily and the day I left the hospital without her.

My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her.

"Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."

This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.

And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.

As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.

Lily's special spot decorated for her birthday... much more about her special day later!

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

Today, March 12th, is the day I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. She and I, we're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 4 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart...mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind cannot ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

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