Blissfully Unaware

This photo was taken 8 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big! 💖

It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here, as well as another daughter. 

I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet. 

I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon. 

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

I originally shared this on this date in 2012... 💕

Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.

In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

A few years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.

Here are the lyrics:

I was awakened last night.

To the sound of dancing feet above me.

I thought they were on my roof.

'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.

Opened my eyes and saw

What I thought was an angel dancing.

She was a perfect child.

She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

Her hair was golden

like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.

She was laughing and spinning.

She couldn’t stop singing this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

This is Amy’s Song

This is Amy’s Song.

From her streets of gold

She is singing you a song.

Singing you a song.

Don’t stop holding on.

Can you see her at His throne

With her hair of gold?

She is holding – holding on

To the threads of His robe.

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song of hope.

“Hope is being born in you

Hope is being woven.

Hope is being born in you

Hope is coming.

Don’t stop holding on.”

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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At Least They Are

This is something I shared last year that I was reminded of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow between each of Lily's birthdays, I forget how there's a let-down in the days after March 16th. 

I think people could assume that because March is a difficult month for me, that I am glad when it passes. Yes, it is difficult. But I find myself in one moment wanting another March to hurry up and pass quickly by and in the next moment, I love how close it makes me feel to Lily. It's a seesaw of mixed emotions.

There are many people who reach out to me in March, especially on Lily's actual birthday on the 16th, so when the days that follow come, I feel a wave of loneliness wash over me. As I've written about before, it feels like on March 16, people remember her more and understand my missing her more than they do the rest of the year. Because I do miss her, every day of every year. Not just on the 16th day of the 3rd month.

I was also wondering how many people would actually think of Lily on her birthday if I didn't share publicly as I do. Would anyone besides my family care? That's honestly a sad thought because it hurts that it's up to me to make sure people don't forget. I wish they would remember all on their own. And maybe some would. But not all. Not like they would remember if she were alive and here, present in photos, conversations, and life, instead of only present continually in my heart and thoughts.

The love I receive this time of year reminds me why I share. There are times when I wonder if it's worth it to be raw and vulnerable as I am, pouring out a piece of my heart and soul each time I write. Sometimes I feel exposed, like people can know so much of who I am, without me even knowing they are here. But then I will receive a comment or an email from someone who is reading, someone who cares, and it reminds me why I do share. It reminds me this is meaningful and purposeful. 

Even if others are only remembering Lily because I do, at least they are. I can be left disappointed by others when they don't acknowledge Lily's birthday. But instead of thinking of those who don't, I want to focus on gratitude for those who do! Oftentimes I find that the people I would least expect to remember are the most thoughtful.

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Going Green for Lily 💚

Today, March 17th, is St. Patrick's Day.... it's the day after Lily was born. One of two days in this world I held her. The day I left the hospital with an empty carseat a few keepsakes, instead of my newborn baby girl. Shamrocks and the green associated with this holiday will always remind me of her... green for new life. How appropriate considering that's what she brought me. 💚

This is a Shamrock made out of Lily's sweet footprints. I found it on Etsy. :)

I am rockin' my St. Patrick's Day green for my mid-March girl. Found this for only a couple dollars at "The One Spot" at Target. Custom handprint necklace is from My Forever Child (can't recommend highly enough!)

Lily's spot went green!

From BreAnna for my mid-March girl.

St. Patrick's Day pillow, also from "The One Spot."

From Catherine :)

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Blissfully Unaware

This photo was taken 7 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big! ❤️

It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here, as well as another daughter. 

I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet. 

I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon. 

Today my mom said we should do something special for Lily every day this week. So tonight we are going to have a personal pan cheese pizza at the same Pizza Hut on the same date. 🍕 ❤️ 

I have lots of special birthday things to share, but I am waiting to share it all in one post.

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

I originally shared this on this date in 2012... 💕

Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.

In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

A couple years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.

Here are the lyrics:

I was awakened last night.

To the sound of dancing feet above me.

I thought they were on my roof.

'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.

Opened my eyes and saw

What I thought was an angel dancing.

She was a perfect child.

She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

Her hair was golden

like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.

She was laughing and spinning.

She couldn’t stop singing this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

This is Amy’s Song

This is Amy’s Song.

From her streets of gold

She is singing you a song.

Singing you a song.

Don’t stop holding on.

Can you see her at His throne

With her hair of gold?

She is holding – holding on

To the threads of His robe.

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song of hope.

“Hope is being born in you

Hope is being woven.

Hope is being born in you

Hope is coming.

Don’t stop holding on.”

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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If She'd Been Born Today

This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2015...

These memories on these dates are burned into my mind and heart...

It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.

My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day in 2010 (March 11th) was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine.

Here is an ultrasound image from that day. It's difficult to tell what you're looking at when the baby gets that big, but my friend Amanda who does ultrasounds told me her head/profile is on the left and her chest is on the right.

I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then. I still have the paper with the induction date on it (it's now in Lily's scrapbook).

This popped up on my Facebook Memories today... my post from this date in 2010.

And this is what I posted on yesterday's date in 2010... if only those had been real contractions and she had been born then.

What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.

I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.

Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?

The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had (that's a common myth by the way). And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.

My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.

On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.

This entire week holds many memories.

Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?

If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me (hopefully for the rest of my life) by just a few short days.

Today my mom and I are going to a friend's birthday. My mom said how we should be having Lily's birthday party instead...

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Birth Guesses

A sweet memory I have from this time 7 years ago is how friends and family gave predicted birth guesses for Lily, from the day she would be born, to the time and her weight. 

The people I asked for guesses were my immediate family, the ladies at my baby shower, and friends on Facebook. I am thankful to have everyone's guesses documented in Lily's scrapbook. What a happy memory! Each date that would pass, we would say "so and so wasn't correct!" My brother, Joseph, had guessed her birthday would be February 29th, but then changed it to March 1st when he realized 2010 wasn't a leap year. I thought that was funny. ;)

It's interesting to look back now, knowing the answers: March 16th at 4:24 p.m. and 7 pounds 9 ounces.

My mom's friend, Ruby, is the only person who guessed the correct date. If you remember, Ruby just passed away last month. So this memory is extra special now. It's crazy to think that not only is the baby we were talking about gone now, but so is the person who guessed her correct birthday.

It was funny when she shared her prediction and asked what the prize was for guessing the closest. I jokingly asked her if that was the only reason she was participating, in hopes of a prize. She responded: "The prize will be getting to hold her the first time the winner sees her. That is enough. Ooooh, aaaaah, she is so cute, oh look at that little nose, oh her fingers are so tiny, look at those cute little feet, she looks just like her granddaddy Chuck. hahahaha." Ruby has finally gotten her "prize" of holding and meeting Lily. Instead of holding and meeting her on Earth, she and her husband attended Lily's Celebration of Life Service.

Her grandson was also born in March 2010. She had been my mom's good friend since they were 5 and 6. Their grandchildren would now be older than the age they were when they became friends. How special it would have been to have grandchildren growing up literally at the same time. Instead, they both did have grand babies born the same month, but one is now almost 7 and the other is a forever baby, buried in a cemetery in Virginia.

Oh, and there's my guess... March 12th. Now that's the date I believe that instead of her being born into this world, she was born into Heaven. That's when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating in my body. Maybe somehow deep down God gave me that date, knowing that's when she would be with Him for always.

(click on photos below to enlarge them)

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When Stores Turn Green 🍀

I know Lily's birthday is getting close when the stores start turning green. When St. Patrick's Day items stock the shelves, I know March 17th is nearly here, and that means Lily's birthday, March 16th is too. That holiday and the color associated with it will always remind me of Lily, as it was one of two days in this world I held her, and the day I left the hospital without her. 🍀

I recently noticed this cute shirt walking by the children's section at Target. If Lily were here, I'd imagine she would like St. Patrick's Day, with her birthday being the day before, and that she'd like to wear St. Patrick's Day things. I also imagine her being a crazy cat lady in the making, like her mommy was a crazy cat kid too. This shirt would have been perfect for her. :)

I'm not one for sugary cereal, but when I saw this at the grocery store last night, I just had to get it because it reminded me of my mid-March baby girl.

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At Least They Are

Somehow between each of Lily's birthdays, I forget how there's a let-down in the days after March 16th. 

I think people could assume that because March is a difficult month for me, that I am glad when it passes. Yes, it is difficult. But I find myself in one moment wanting another March to hurry up and pass quickly by and in the next moment, I love how close it makes me feel to Lily. It's a seesaw of mixed emotions.

There are many people who reach out to me in March, especially on Lily's actual birthday on the 16th, so when the days that follow come, I feel a wave of loneliness wash over me. As I've written about before, it feels like on March 16, people remember her more and understand my missing her more than they do the rest of the year. Because I do miss her, every day of every year. Not just on the 16th day of the 3rd month.

I was also wondering how many people would actually think of Lily on her birthday if I didn't share publicly as I do. Would anyone besides my family care? That's honestly a sad thought because it hurts that it's up to me to make sure people don't forget. I wish they would remember all on their own. And maybe some would. But not all. Not like they would remember if she were alive and here, present in photos, conversations, and life, instead of only present continually in my heart and thoughts.

The love I receive this time of year reminds me why I share. There are times when I wonder if it's worth it to be raw and vulnerable as I am, pouring out a piece of my heart and soul each time I write. Sometimes I feel exposed, like people can know so much of who I am, without me even knowing they are here. But then I will receive a comment or an email from someone who is reading, someone who cares, and it reminds me why I do share. It reminds me this is meaningful and purposeful. 

Even if others are only remembering Lily because I do, at least they are.

I'm reminded of a post I wrote a couple years ago called "Even Today."

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Blissfully Unaware

This photo was taken 6 years ago today, the day before my due date. The last picture of me carrying Lily Kat. I can hardly believe I was so big!

It was taken at my friend's baby shower. I met this friend where we were both taking classes at a local pregnancy center. She was due a couple months after I was and now has her healthy daughter here. 

I remember being so proud to show off my Lily-belly. It was exciting to say that I was due the very next day! Of course my belly brought lots of attention. I remember how I was glad that I had been able to attend my friend's shower and that Lily hadn't been born yet. 

I remember the sciatica pain and the feeling of floating. It is a sad thing to look back and realize my little girl was already gone when this picture was taken and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware as to what the next few days would hold and how they would be unlike anything I ever could have imagined.

I remember how that night my sister, her friend, and I ate dinner at Pizza Hut. I loved having the cheese personal pan pizzas during my pregnancy. I remember sitting there, just so full of peace and excitement, thinking of my daughter and knowing I would get to meet her soon. I went to that Pizza Hut with my sister-in-law recently and I was filled with memories from that night. 

I just miss my little Lily with all my heart.

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"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

This is a post I originally shared on this date in 2012...

Today, March 12th, is the day I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?

In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. She and I, we're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 6 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart...mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind cannot ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

Last year on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.

Here are the lyrics:

I was awakened last night.

To the sound of dancing feet above me.

I thought they were on my roof.

Till it struck me – they were on golden streets.

Opened my eyes and saw

What I thought was an angel dancing.

She was a perfect child.

She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

Her hair was golden

like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.

She was laughing and spinning.

She couldn’t stop singing this song.

“Mama can you hear me?

Daddy can you feel me?

I’m made whole.

I’m at home.

I’m dancing on streets of gold.

Don’t stop holding on.”

This is Amy’s Song

This is Amy’s Song.

From her streets of gold

She is singing you a song.

Singing you a song.

Don’t stop holding on.

Can you see her at His throne

With her hair of gold?

She is holding – holding on

To the threads of His robe.

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song

She is singing you a song of hope.

“Hope is being born in you

Hope is being woven.

Hope is being born in you

Hope is coming.

Don’t stop holding on.”

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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If She'd Been Born Today

This is a post I wrote last year about this date (I just changed it to 6 years). My mom is out of town this year, but texted me this morning and said "I keep thinking of your last happy appointment with Dr. March." These memories on these dates are burned into our minds and hearts...

It feels like I'm reliving the waiting and wondering when and how Lily's birth would unfold 6 years ago. There was so much excitement and anticipation. Only now I know what happened and when and how it did. And there is no way to ever change it.

My mom and I were talking this morning about how on this day 6 years ago, March 11th, 2010, was my last appointment and the last time we'd ever hear Lily's sweet heart beating or see her alive on the ultrasound machine. I was scheduled for an induction date of March 18th if Lily hadn't come before then.

Here is an ultrasound image from that day.

What is so bizarre is that on that day, my mom was concerned that something was wrong with Lily. She was with me during the ultrasound and said it looked like Lily's head was smushed and her entire body slouching over, like she had no energy. The doctor called us in to discuss the induction date, but before we knew what he was going to say, my mom thought he was going to say there was something terribly wrong.

I don't remember if she ever mentioned that to me at the time. Honestly, even if she had mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have been too concerned. I never considered Lily dying as a possibility whatsoever. Before losing her, I don't even remember hearing or knowing the words stillbirth or stillborn. I saw something I wrote about it shortly after I had Lily and I didn't even use the word correctly.

Anyways, my doctor said everything was perfect at Lily's appointment. Her heart was beating steady and strong and it was just a matter of waiting on Lily to make her entrance into this world. Should my doctor have caught something? Did he miss something that might have saved her life?

The next day, March 12th, is the day that I had guessed Lily would be born when we made our birth predictions. Now, it's the day we believe Lily was born into Heaven. The reason we think that is because I started having a lot of sciatica pain and it felt as if Lily was floating in my stomach. I have had people ask how I didn't know she was gone, but it was my first pregnancy. How was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? I assumed she had gotten so big and ran out of room and that's why I didn't feel the kicks and punches like I once had. And I did feel movement, though looking back now it was such a strange feeling. Floating is the only word I can think of to describe it. It's a sad memory.

My mom said she kept asking me that weekend if I felt Lily moving because she was concerned. I assured her I did. She had not asked me that my entire pregnancy, so it's strange she started asking me then. If I had gone into the hospital because of lack of movement, might Lily have survived? I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these thoughts and questions.

On March 12th, my mom had a very strange feeling that Lily had died. Later, when she told one of her friends she had thought that, her friend said she thought the same thing on the same day. There was nothing to make them think that, but they did. I find this so strange.

This entire week holds many memories.

Today is the day I think about how if Lily were born on this date in 2010, she would be alive. We'd have the birthday girl here to celebrate and I'd be able to share photos from her party on a blog about her life, rather than a blog about her death too. It makes me terribly sad to think this is the last full day she lived on Earth. Why couldn't my body have gone into labor before it did, before she died?

If she'd been born today, if today were her birthday, she'd most likely be alive. That's a hard truth to grapple with. I missed meeting her alive and having her here with me for the rest of my life by just a few short days.

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Birth Guesses

A sweet memory I have from this time 6 years ago is how friends and family gave predicted birth guesses for Lily, from the day she would be born, to the time and her weight. 

The people I asked for guesses were my immediate family, the ladies at my baby shower, and friends on Facebook. I am thankful to have everyone's guesses documented in Lily's scrapbook. What a happy memory! Each date that would pass, we would say "so and so wasn't correct!" My brother, Joseph, had guessed her birthday would be February 29th, but then changed it to March 1st when he realized 2010 wasn't a leap year. I thought that was funny. :)

It's interesting to look back now, knowing the answers: March 16th at 4:24 p.m. and 7 pounds 9 ounces.

My mom's friend, Ruby, is the only person who guessed the correct date. It was funny when she shared her prediction and asked what the prize was for guessing the closest. I jokingly asked her if that was the only reason she was participating, in hopes of a prize. She responded: "The prize will be getting to hold her the first time the winner sees her. That is enough. Ooooh, aaaaah, she is so cute, oh look at that little nose, oh her fingers are so tiny, look at those cute little feet, she looks just like her granddaddy Chuck. hahahaha." 

I imagine looking back on that now would be funny, because Ruby's guess was correct, and she would have gotten her "prize." Instead of holding and meeting her, she and her husband attended Lily's Celebration of Life Service... Her grandson was also born in March 2010. She has been my mom's good friend since they were 5! Their grandchildren would now be the age they were when they became friends. How special it would have been to have grandchildren growing up literally at the same time. Instead, they both did have grand babies born the same month, but one is now almost 6 and the other is a forever baby, buried in a cemetery in Virginia.

Oh, and there's my guess... March 12th. Now that's the date I believe that instead of her being born into this world, she was born into Heaven. That's when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating in my body. Maybe somehow deep down God gave me that date, knowing that's when she would be with Him for always.

(click on photos below to enlarge them)

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