A Shared March 16th Birthday

My mom and I are good friends with our neighbor, Joanna, who lives just 2 houses down. The fact that we live so close and that we are friends makes it even more "ironic" that her daughter, Ashley, was also born on March 16th. She will be 13 this year, which means Lily was born on her 7th birthday.

We didn't know them well when Lily was born. However, it's crazy to think about how we were living by each other and we had no idea that on the day I was at the hospital delivering Lily, they were celebrating Ashley's birthday. Two little girls born at the hospital on the same date 7 years apart.

We discovered this shared date a year later, when Lily would have turned 1. It came up in casual conversation with my mom one day. That was around the time we started becoming friends with Joanna. We decided to take Ashley a gift to honor Lily on her birthday, since we can't get anything for our own little girl. They didm't even know about Lily at that point, but right when we took the gift over, Joanna was surprised we remembered her birthday and said, "oh, you must have someone in your family with that birthday." So my mom told her about our girl. She was so sweet about it and wrote in a thank you card: "Ashley has really enjoyed her birthday gifts. I'm glad she could bring happiness to your special day." (I am referencing old blog posts to recall these details).

Here is the gift we gave Ashley in 2011 (Lily's 1st birthday).

After that first year giving Ashley a gift, we decided to make it an annual tradition to honor Lily. And by that point, we had become good friends with Joanna. 

Here is the gift we gave Ashley in 2012 (Lily's 2nd birthday).

In 2013, we had a special little celebration for both Lily and Ashley at their house. I even took some of my Lily keepsakes over to share. Here's a photo of Joanna, Ashley, and I on that day.

Joanna got a cake that said "Happy 10th Birthday, Ashley." I wish she had included Lily's name too since it was for both of the just-as-real-and-loved girls born on March 16th. And of course it hurt when I didn't see her name, but I recognize and understand that people simply cannot understand what I want and need. People don't know how to handle Lily and the loss of her. I need to remember to have grace in that and to not take offense. Instead, I will continue to gently "grieve out loud," say her name, and incorporate her into my life. Maybe people will start to take a hint about how I love to include Lily as I continue to do so. I took 10 candles for Ashley and a number "3" for Lily's 3rd birthday. So, she was still honored on the cake after all. I actually wrote a blog post about how disappointed I was that night which you can read HERE. 

Here is the gift we gave Ashley in 2013 (Lily's 3rd birthday).

Not only is doing this for Ashley a sweet way to honor Lily, but we really enjoy shopping for little girls! We loved watching Ashley open her gifts and it meant so much to see how she truly loved what we gave her! She made use of her gifts while we were there.

Here is Ashley with the gift we gave her in 2014 (Lily's 4th birthday). 

Another successful year with a gift she enjoyed. :)

This is the chocolate cake we enjoyed. My mom made it from scratch (it was a big hit!) And I decorated it. Okay, don't laugh at how awful it looks haha. At least you can read it (it says Happy B-day L & A). There were 11 candles for Ashley and Lily's number "4" candle. We sang "Happy Birthday" and Ashley blew the candles out.

Here is the card we gave Ashley that year. It has a butterfly holding a cupcake. When I saw it, it reminded me of Lily, which is why I selected it. :)

For Lily's 5th birthday in 2015, my sister-in-law, Kala, and I made red-velvet cupcakes for the celebration. Ashley loved the gift we chose for her. Each year, as Ashley grows older, she likes different things and it makes me wonder what Lily would like as she'd grow up. When I hear "A" talk about her March 16 birthday, it makes my heart sink a little to know I'll never hear those words come from the lips of my daughter. I took Lily's prints to have her a part of the evening.

Here is the gift we're giving Ashley this year (Lily's 6th birthday).



And here's the card... perfect with flowers for my flower. :)

Oh, and Joanna wrote Lily's name in the sand for me in July 2013 at Cove Point, Lusby/Solomons, Maryland. That was sweet of her. :)

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Genesis and March 16

I have a friend I met online whose daughter, Genesis, was also stillborn. Her birthday is actually on March 16th as well! This year, she would be turning 9. I hold a special spot in my heart for Genesis and her mama, Tiffany. Just knowing that we share that sacred date is enough to make her my friend. :)

It is interesting reading what she writes because there are so many similarities between us... the same anticipation about our daughter's impending birthdays when the new year rolls around. The same tie we have to March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, and how we associate that date and all things green and clovers with our girls.

Anytime I see dragonflies, something that makes Tiffany think of Genesis, it also makes me think of her. It's amazing how we carry the babies of our friends with us always too. We both also like to snap photos of the things that are "winks from Heaven," as I call them. For instance, I saw this truck the other day, which made me think of Lily and Genesis, so I took a photo and sent it to Tiffany as well.

Each year on March 16th, I like to see how Tiffany honors Genesis. We both have traditions. It is sweet thinking of them throughout that day, knowing that Tiffany is probably feeling many of the things I am at the same time I am.

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Our March 16, 2010 Babes

One of my good friends from high-school is named Kristen. We became friends when we were in the spring musical together our junior year and ended up going to prom together, along with my friend Rachel. This photo was taken of Kristen and I before prom - she was 17 and I was 16 (so 8 years ago this spring). Kristen's mom took a photo of the photo and shared it on Facebook.

Out of all the days, months, and years to have a baby, Kristen and I both had our babies on the exact same day - March 16, 2010! We were out of touch for a few years, so when I first heard this, I could not believe it. 

Kristen had a little boy, whose name also starts with an "L." If he had been a girl, I'm sure it would be harder for me to see photos of him growing up. It is odd though still to see photos and to know Lily would be the exact same age that he is. Maybe one day I will meet him. I'm sure if I do, thoughts of my girl will flood my heart and mind.

What a different day we had on March 16, 2010. The day could have been the day we both welcomed our healthy, full-term babies into the world. Yet, her day was as one would expect a birthday to be: full of joy and celebration, leading to a baby going home from the hospital to friends and family, eagerly waiting to meet him for the first time. And my day was filled with the most profound joy tinged with the deepest sorrow, leading to an empty car-seat on that hospital trip home and family and friends who said hello and goodbye in one breath, if they got to meet my baby girl at all before she was put to rest forever beneath the Virginia earth. For both of us, March 16, 2010 will always hold the memory of giving birth to our first-born babies, oh but what different memories we hold. How different each March 16 is for both of us from now on. The day could have been the day we'd celebrate each year with a cake and candles to be blown out by a child bigger than the year before. But, I celebrate with a cake for a little girl who will always stay a baby and will never blow out her own birthday candles.

Not only did Kristen and I have our babies on the same day, but we also had our baby showers on the exact same day - February 13, 2010!

Looking at that photo of us in high-school, I can't help but think about how we had no idea we would both have babies on the exact same day. I can't help but think of how carefree I was and how I never could have dreamed I'd one day (less than four years later) lose my baby before she took her first breath. Of course I would never, ever wish for anyone to know the pain of losing a child, but I can't help but wonder, why did it happen to me? I know deep down that God was in control and He has graciously allowed me to see some of the reasons. But I am a mere human, a mother, who has part of her heart in Heaven and will in a way always wonder why it had to happen to me.

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Disappointed

As I mentioned earlier, tonight we had a special party with our neighbors, which I was really excited about and looking forward to. Over the last year, we've gotten really close with them. It turns out, "J's" daughter shares a birthday with Lily - March 16th. "A" will be turning 10 this year. Since we have gotten close with them, we decided it would be special to have a party this evening in honor of both our girls. It was obviously a party for the both of them and I was really looking forward to it. We brought snacks and drinks, got a gift for "A" for the third year in a row (which we like to do in honor of Lily) and balloons. "J" was going to get the cake.

Well, we walked in the front door and I saw the cute little cake down the hallway in the kitchen sitting on the table. I smiled and went in to look at it and noticed there were words. I was thinking, oh I wonder what it says. Then, when I only saw "Happy 10th Birthday, A" my heart just sank...it threw me off for the rest of the night. After that, I was going to ask if we could sing happy birthday to both Lily and "A" because I brought 10 candles for "A" and a "3" candle for Lily. Well, before I could ask, everyone started singing and didn't include Lily's name. Crushing. Then, I figured later maybe "J" would at least give us a card or something, especially because last year she mentioned she should have given us something and that was before we were really even close with her. Since we give "A" a sweet gift each year. And the thing is, I don't really care about a gift...it's the thought behind picking out a card or something and saying you care.

"J" knows we love Lily and are very open about talking about her. I thought she "understood" in a special way. I even took over a few of Lily's things to share. When we got home, my mom knew immediately what was wrong and that I would be hurt by all three of those things. She said when she saw the cake she felt bad for me. I am glad at least she understands.

This all might sound silly and like not a big deal. I don't know, I am just disappointed with how tonight went and really wish I didn't always feel so foreign in this world. It felt like Lily was going to be celebrated and honored in almost a "normal" way...at least as normal as it can be to celebrate someone's birthday without them here. I was happy about this. But, it ended up me feeling so not normal, as usual. It feels like others don't value my daughter. I wish it wasn't always so awkward. I wish people could understand without this happening to them, if that makes sense. I wish I wasn't hurt by things like this. I wish people saw Lily the same way they see other children. She is just as valuable and precious and special. And it is just as much her birthday as "A's." I just wish it wasn't so hard. I know that "J" cares about us and Lily and didn't mean to hurt me of course...I just wish it were different. I wish people would make an effort to include my daughter because she is real and important. I wish people would understand that they don't need to make it an uncomfortable thing because it isn't to me.

I am thankful to have the love and support of my mom and some of my family and many dear friends...but sometimes it just hurts to be disappointed with how people "handle Lily and I."

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