Until Our Last Breath

You may remember me writing about sweet baby Ryleigh Grace, who was stillborn at 38 weeks. Yesterday, August 15th, was her 2nd birthday.

Her mommy, Kristen, and I were good friends in high-school. Her firstborn was actually born on the exact same day as Lily! - March 16, 2010, and is now a healthy and thriving 8-year-old. Then her second baby was stillborn, giving us yet another thing we have in common.

Anyways, this summer, Kristen had her rainbow baby, another beautiful little girl. Her heart is still heavy with grief over the loss of Ryleigh. In many ways, I imagine having another baby is a reminder of all that was missed with the one who was lost. Kristen's experience proves that babies are not interchangeable and just because you have another doesn't mean you stop missing and longing for the baby who should've been here to grow.

I texted Kristen yesterday on Ryleigh's special day and told her they were both on my mind. Kristen responded that Ryleigh is on her mind every day, which I feel captures so much in so few words... even when the rest of the world "moves on," even when we think of other's babies who were lost on the day of their birth (hopefully if you know someone who has lost you do), we must remember that they remember and miss their beloved child EVERY SINGLE DAY! Another baby doesn't "fix" anything. Yes, another baby can heal and fill empty arms in a unique and beautiful way, but they will never erase the pain of what happened and what should have been.

It reminds me of this touching thing a bereaved mother put in her paper, which I first saw shared on Facebook a while back. I know I'll feel the same after 70 years. Our babies remain in our hearts and minds FOREVER, until our last breath.

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The Same Outfit

Yet again, I am amazed at how God is in the little details.

Do you remember a few months ago when I shared about one of my good friends from high-school, Kristen? Her first child, a son, was born healthy on Lily's exact birthday, and her second child was stillborn a couple weeks before her due date in August, on Life for Lily Day. I was visiting Virginia the very week sweet Ryleigh was born, when Kristen's mom Susan reached out to me, and my grandmother and I were able to put together a comfort box for her and attend Ryleigh's service.

Well, Kristen and I have been staying in contact through the months since then. She had shared a beautiful photo of dear little Ryleigh and in the photo, the birds on her outfit looked familiar. It turns out, my sister-in-law Kala was given the exact same outfit for my niece Harvest who was born in the Spring, though she can't remember from who. Ryleigh was buried in this outfit, and since it was given by the hospital, Kristen has no idea where it came from.

When you are a bereaved parent, you cling to anything and everything that reminds you of your precious baby... especially when your baby was stillborn, because there are so few things of them. I have always wished and expressed my wish that I had an extra of the outfit and little brown shoes that Lily was buried in. I wish I had them as a keepsake to keep in her memory chest.

Kala was so generous to say she wanted to offer the outfit to Kristen, especially if it had been her burial outfit, which we didn't know if it was or not at the time. I asked Kristen, and she said yes, it was. And she would love to have it. I'm so glad she sent me that photo showing the outfit and that we were able to put the pieces together. We all just think it's amazing that it's the same outfit and recognize that God is in the details. I'm so glad Kristen can have this outfit to remind her always of her sweet first-born daughter.

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I like to Think My Baby Girl Helped Hers Arrive Safely

Last week, I met my dear friend Amanda's baby girl, Maeleigh. She is absolutely precious and it melted my heart to hold her!

With Amanda

Maeleigh was born on Life for Lily Day, the same day that my friend Kristen's daughter Ryleigh Grace was stillborn. I recently blogged <--- (click the link to read more) about how I was in Virginia when Ryleigh was born and how the Lord worked it out for my grandmother and I to put together a comfort box for Kristen and attend Ryleigh's beautiful service. Kristen had her healthy first child on the exact same day Lily Katherine was born - March 16, 2010.

Amanda has always been exceptionally supportive about my grief and love for Lily. She has allowed me to freely talk about her, has asked questions about her, my pregnancy, my birth, etc., and has been a wonderful friend.

I was delighted when I found out Maeleigh was born on Life for Lily Day! Amanda and I had originally planned on spending that day together, in Lily's honor. Maeleigh hadn't been due for a couple more weeks and I was supposed to be in Virginia the week before when I was (I see now the Lord changed the dates because He knew everything that would unfold). He knew Maeleigh would be born on the 15th and so would Ryleigh Grace.

I had said I wished Maeleigh would be born on my birthday, August 12th, but the 15th was my second choice/guess.

Amanda texted me throughout that day to let me know the labor progress and finally that night, M was born and I saw her beautiful picture! We both celebrate our baby girls with each other.

The next night is when Kristen's mom wrote me to let me know about Ryleigh Grace being stillborn... Maeleigh and Ryleigh were both around 38 weeks gestation when they were born, having been due just a few days apart. And they were both born on August 15th.

Visiting with Amanda, we were talking about how crazy the similarities are... she said she was thinking how on her first day home with her baby, she knew my friend was burying her baby girl. The stark contrast of the two experiences leaves me breathless. Amanda is so precious in how she grieves with those who grieve, has been holding this family in her heart, and praying for them.

I told her that now every year when I see Maeleigh turning a new age, I'll think of the sweet little girl who should be the same age. With each milestone, my heart will break that Kristen is not experiencing the same thing with her daughter.

Amanda told me that she had started feeling decreased movement on the Saturday before M was born. Because of mine and Lily's story and how I emphatically speak out about the importance of kick counts, Amanda said she noticed it in a way she would never had if it weren't for Lily. She didn't even think about it with her first daughter.

She listened to her gut and went to her doctor's office to be monitored. Maeleigh's heart rate was low and Amanda ended up being admitted to the hospital to give birth.

Now, obviously I don't know what would have happened had she not gone into the hospital that day. But I do know because of experience that she could have lost her daughter too. I like to think that my precious baby girl helped this baby girl arrive safely and healthily. Just knowing others are being more mindful of their baby's movements shows me that Lily is making a lasting impact.

Learn about The Count the Kicks Campaign by clicking here.

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He Orchestrates the Details and Weaves Stories Together

When I was in Virginia a couple weeks ago, I got a message from the mother of a close friend of mine from high-school.

Kristen had her healthy first child on March 16, 2010 - Lily's exact birthday! I've blogged about it before. Sadly, not only do we have that date in common now...

As I said, her mom wrote me on Tuesday, the 16th of August, letting me know that Kristen had lost her baby... Ryleigh Grace was unexpectedly stillborn the day before, on August 15th... Life for Lily Day. Yet another significant date we have in common. And baby girls who now live with Jesus.

Ryleigh was born just shy of 38 weeks gestation, a beautiful little girl with her cord tied tightly around her neck.

Both Kristen and her mom thought of me and hoped I could talk on the phone, knowing I understand what they're going through. I told her I was deeply sorry for their loss and not only could I talk on the phone, but I also "happened" to be in town (remember, I live in NC now, away from my hometown and where Lily is layed to rest).

I see how the Lord orchestrated my being there at that time, to put together a comfort box for Kristen and to attend Ryleigh's service with my grandmother, who also lost a baby.

I wasn't able to put together the exact type of box I usually do (because some of the things have to be ordered online), but it ended up being quite special, I think. We had a day to prepare the box, so Bumma and I went around Charlottesville to different shops, collecting items. I was thankful Bumma was willing and eager to be a part of this. I'll explain more about what we included in the box below.

The service was beautiful and it was an honor to be there. Ryleigh was layed to rest in the same cemetery as my grandparents (dad's parents). There are rolling hills and breathtaking Blue Ridge Mountain views from this cemetery. Ryleigh's mommy wrote a moving poem that was read aloud at the service. It was the first service for a baby that I've been to since Lily's (that I can recall). It was definitely emotional for me. Of course it is heartbreaking when anyone loses their baby, but when it is someone I know, it hurts more.

I know that because of my own loss of Lily, I understand in a deeper and fuller way the heartbreak that infant loss entails, and therefore can pray and intercede for this family in a unique way. I keep bringing this family to the Lord, remembering the rawness and shock of those first days and weeks after Lily died. I pray that I am able to bear a little bit of their burden.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2

After the service, there was a meal at a church in the area. I was glad Bumma and I could talk some with them, both at the graveside service and at the church afterwards, in a way that only those who've lost a baby can converse. We were all discussing how crazy it is all the similarities between our stories... The Lord certainly orchestrates the details and weaves stories together in a way only He can. I will continue to keep in contact with them in the months ahead, especially when a lot of the initial support wears off, yet the pain of the loss remains.

Here is the box...

I knew right when I thought about putting together a box that I wanted to include something with Ryleigh's name and birthdate on it. When you lose a baby, those are some of the only things connected to them. Their names are sacred and unspeakably precious. They are a reminder that they are real and they were here. They will always be our children, who we will love and call by name.

As soon as I thought of getting something with her name, I believe the Lord placed my friend Cambry's name in my heart. She is my friend I shared about recently in my Life for Lily Day post. We met at Ellerslie in Colorado last year and discovered she lives near my hometown in Virginia. She had just come to the Life for Lily Day celebration the day before, and we had gotten together to frolic about in downtown Staunton that day. Cambry is a talented artist and sells some of her work at times. I asked if she'd be willing to paint a custom piece for my friend for the box and immediately, she graciously and willingly said yes. I love her generous heart. She had one day to paint this and then met with me the morning of the service to give it to me. I could tell Kristen loved the painting and so did everyone she showed it to. I like this picture Cambry took in her own personal outdoor art studio. ;)

Most of the items for the box were from Ten Thousand Villages or T.J. Maxx (a couple of my favorite stores). I stuck to a butterfly theme, as usual. :) The box was colorful with butterflies and flowers, perfect to store keepsakes in.

a butterfly card with a handwritten and signed note from my grandmother and I... with my blog card inside and an explanation of all the items in the box

a lamb (for innocence and purity) to hold in their empty arms

and a teddy bear for big brother

Forget-Me-Not flower seeds to plant in memory of the baby they'll never forget

a butterfly bracelet to wear in remembrance of Ryleigh

a "hope" stone, as a tangible reminder to hold onto hope

lavender and chamomile (both known to be calming and soothing) 

soap and bubble bath to pamper mom and help her heal

chamomile lavender tea to also pamper mom

a journal to write pregnancy memories, the birth story, letters or poems, feelings, etc. 

(writing means so much to me and has been a huge part of my healing and Kristen likes to write too - remember a poem she wrote was read aloud at the service).. I was glad I found the journal with Scripture on each page and butterflies on the cover that I used in the comfort boxes 

given to the hospital for Lily's birthday this year.

a candle to light in remembrance of Ryleigh

a packet of tissues for their tears

a butterfly wind-chime (made in Indonesia - Lily has the same one at her spot) 

for their home or Ryleigh's spot... Kristen was saying how at the service, she was

already thinking of wanting to decorate her spot. I thought the wind-chime would be

perfect... also, it is touching that a mother's instinct to do something for her child, even

if it's decorating their gravesite, kicks in fast

Please pray that Jesus will comfort this grieving family and hold their broken hearts.

I won't forget you, Ryleigh... I will hold onto your obituary, the bulletin from your service, the memory of your beautiful face, and the knowledge of the forever love your family will have for you.

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Our March 16, 2010 Babes

One of my good friends from high-school is named Kristen. We became friends when we were in the spring musical together our junior year and ended up going to prom together, along with my friend Rachel. This photo was taken of Kristen and I before prom - she was 17 and I was 16 (so 8 years ago this spring). Kristen's mom took a photo of the photo and shared it on Facebook.

Out of all the days, months, and years to have a baby, Kristen and I both had our babies on the exact same day - March 16, 2010! We were out of touch for a few years, so when I first heard this, I could not believe it. 

Kristen had a little boy, whose name also starts with an "L." If he had been a girl, I'm sure it would be harder for me to see photos of him growing up. It is odd though still to see photos and to know Lily would be the exact same age that he is. Maybe one day I will meet him. I'm sure if I do, thoughts of my girl will flood my heart and mind.

What a different day we had on March 16, 2010. The day could have been the day we both welcomed our healthy, full-term babies into the world. Yet, her day was as one would expect a birthday to be: full of joy and celebration, leading to a baby going home from the hospital to friends and family, eagerly waiting to meet him for the first time. And my day was filled with the most profound joy tinged with the deepest sorrow, leading to an empty car-seat on that hospital trip home and family and friends who said hello and goodbye in one breath, if they got to meet my baby girl at all before she was put to rest forever beneath the Virginia earth. For both of us, March 16, 2010 will always hold the memory of giving birth to our first-born babies, oh but what different memories we hold. How different each March 16 is for both of us from now on. The day could have been the day we'd celebrate each year with a cake and candles to be blown out by a child bigger than the year before. But, I celebrate with a cake for a little girl who will always stay a baby and will never blow out her own birthday candles.

Not only did Kristen and I have our babies on the same day, but we also had our baby showers on the exact same day - February 13, 2010!

Looking at that photo of us in high-school, I can't help but think about how we had no idea we would both have babies on the exact same day. I can't help but think of how carefree I was and how I never could have dreamed I'd one day (less than four years later) lose my baby before she took her first breath. Of course I would never, ever wish for anyone to know the pain of losing a child, but I can't help but wonder, why did it happen to me? I know deep down that God was in control and He has graciously allowed me to see some of the reasons. But I am a mere human, a mother, who has part of her heart in Heaven and will in a way always wonder why it had to happen to me.

Click HERE to read all my "Similarity Stories."

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