Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Days Nobody Remembers

Days like today are the days nobody remembers. Nobody but me that is. Today is March 27th and to most, it's just another spring day. But, for me it will always be the day my daughter's body was layed to rest beneath the earth. To me, it will be the day I watched as her tiny white casket was covered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. And I had to leave her there. I had to walk away, with a piece of myself in the ground. There's no way to describe the aching and the emptiness of that moment. My arms were lost. It was over...really, truly over.

There are quite a few of these days in my life. I don't blame others for not remembering. I mean, most people don't even know the specific dates that are so important to me. I wonder if I would even remember them if I didn't have a memory that recalls everything. When something of significance (and oftentimes things that aren't very important) happens in my life, I always remember the date, how I felt, what the weather was like, and oftentimes, even what I was wearing!

That can make the memories and the days nobody remembers sting even more. I replay all the tiny details that I can't seem to forget. But, maybe I don't want to forget. Maybe remembering makes Lily feel that much closer. And when the memories don't fade, it doesn't feel as much like I'm moving away from her...

Just to name a few of the days that are forever imprinted on my heart and mind...

February 13th, the day of my Valentine's baby shower.


March 14th, Lily's due date.

August 15th, the day I had an abortion set up at Planned Parenthood. The day the Lord intervened in my life and saved hers. The day that reminds me how my heart was changed forever with the LIFE of my little girl.

October 9th, the day I found out Lily was indeed, A GIRL! Though I knew in my heart already that she was my lil' flower.

March 26th, the day of her Celebration of LIFE/Memorial Service.

March 27th, her burial...

These are the days that catch me off guard. These are the days that can hurt just as much as the days you'd expect to hurt...like birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter. These are the days I think to myself, "this many years ago today, I was doing this..."

These are the days nobody remembers. Nobody but me. And the One who loves her more than I...







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This post left me:

20 comments:

  1. I am sorry Hannah. Nobody else (even her daddy) remembers Emma's funeral date - and that's okay. I am surrounded by people who miss her and grieve for her and love her completely. Remembering significant dates is not part of their grief process - I understand that but it's hard when these days make us catch our breath and nobody else quite realises.

    ... and the walking away. Sometimes I can't quite remember how I found the strength to do that.

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  2. Much love to you, Hannah Rose.....

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  3. I remembered yesterday and today two years ago ... when Lily rested in her small immaculate white coffin on the window seat, in the Moses basket laid on top of the soft pink blanket covered with tiny roses. The sunshine streamed in the bay window on such a glorious day - and everybody gathered in our home to celebrate her life. I have an angel statuary to take to her gravesite, that is, if you would approve of me taking it to her. Blessings to you with your memories.

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  4. I am so sorry it is a hard day for you. I know anniversary are so difficult on so many. I am kind of scattered brain,and usually forget. I forgot that Sat. was 2 months since I said goodbye to Jonathan. I am having a really hard time...it the time when everyone is ready for me to move on. I love the beautiful picture of you sitting next to Lilly's casket, so sad it captures the day. Saying a prayer for you sweet mommy.

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  5. Those days are so hard and as much as you want others to remember those dates you will most likely be the only one.
    Beautiful pictures in memory of a beautiful life:)

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  6. Though days turn to months and months march fast and then slow and back again, Lily's life and purpose remains the same to many, and especially to me. She was a flower that bloomed, and with it, awakened the eyes of my understanding. Your story and hers are forever and directly tied to mine, in some beautifully purposed way. Though dates I may forget, her life and meaning are forever etched to mine. Please know this, dear Hannah; that she holds a wonderful legacy for the same cause that you do, to glorify the Name of her beholder. May the God of hope fill you with all peace, knowing Lily dances with Him with each heart moved by her story.

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  7. It is so hard, I know exactly what you are going through. I lost two babies this year and buried them in September. No one else remembers the days exactly like you do but they do remember the loss that you had to endure, just it isn't quite the same for them as it is for the mother. Many hugs and good wishes for you in the future. We will be reunited with our babies one day, and that will be the happiest day of our lives.

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  8. There are def days that only us remember. And of course, our Heavenly Father

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  9. This post brought tears to my eyes. Your pictures are so sweet and you are very much her mommy, sitting beside her at her own graveside... I'd type more but I can't see through the tears. I know little Lily Katherine was loved greatly. :) <3 hugs, love and prayers to you!

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  10. *tears* ♥ Feb7th & June 5th are the same way for me

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  11. ♥ we remember with you

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  12. Heidi Lynn Farrell BrownMarch 26, 2013 at 11:44 PM

    sending u love xxxxx

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  13. Remembering Lily ♥

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  14. Lily ♥ Thanks for letting us remember with you

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  15. *big hugs* I love you Hannah and I love your Lily girl so so much!

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