Monday, March 12, 2012

"Moments" the Day She Slipped Away

Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?


In my mind, I keep replaying her last moments. When was the moment she left my womb and opened her eyes to Heaven, to beauty? That's all she's ever known. My love and the perfect love of Father God and the tender care of His perfect Son. Did she know she was beholding her Creator when she first opened her eyes?

One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?

Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.

In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...

At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.

Today, the day that marks 2 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...


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This post left me:

26 comments:

  1. Oh Hannah, you made me cry. I to have wondered what was the moment my precious Jonathan went to heaven. I wonder like you how could I have not known. I love when you said you can picture her in heaven I have such a hard time with that still. I still see is poor little broken body in my mind. I think in time I will have your perspective. Praying for you this week as Lily's birthday draws near.

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  2. I have thought of these same things. I have wondered of the moment that she left us and entered Heaven. What was it like for her? Did God whisper to her? Did angels carry her there? I wish that I knew

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  3. Absolutely beautiful, Hannah Rose. <3

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  4. I've struggled with these thoughts myself. It's so easy to let myself get sucked in to the vast, unknown sea of questions... ones that I know won't be answered in my lifetime.

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  5. Sending hugs and prayers your way!

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  6. Jennifer Wilson RossMarch 13, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    Beautifully written Hannah... brought tears to my eyes...

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  7. Beyond Beautiful Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday to your Beautiful Little Girl <3

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  8. sweet Lily <3

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  9. So very beautiful! You gave me chills reading your last paragraph! <3

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  10. I am crying now. Hannah, I am praying for you.

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  11. Jessica Dison DavenportMarch 13, 2013 at 7:37 PM

    Such a touching blog my friend. . . I think we all as parents of babies in Heaven long to know exactly when they left for home. You describe Lily's journey so well. Praying for you my dear friend.

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  12. Gina Wertalik BaseyMarch 14, 2013 at 11:13 PM

    Wow - that was just beautiful. Made me cry because those are the exact things that I find myself wondering and thinking about with my Declan. You just wrote about them so eloquently. I also appreciate the positivity you have regarding your faith. Thanks for sharing your daughter with us!

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  13. That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

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  14. This is beautifully written and equally as heart- wrenching today.

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  15. tears..... such beautiful and perfect words. I very distinctly remember my daughter's last felt movement.... YOUR words have put mine into black and white for me.... thank you. :) I have never been able to talk about it.

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  16. I have often contemplated on that moment as well. I wonder what I was doing the moment Jonathan stepped into heaven. I will be praying for you and the upcoming days I know this is a difficult time for your heart.

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  17. Somehow I believe I know the exact moment Caroline left. I remember feeling so distinctly different. Looking back, I knew she was gone, but I wouldn't allow myself to believe it. I have questioned what she felt, was she sad, happy, etc. I can't wait to ask her all of these questions one day...what a wonderful day that will be.

    Thinking of you and praying for you in these coming days.

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  18. I can so very much relate to this and felt like I was reading my own story in your words…I remember Solveig floating inside of me, just as you remember Lily doing the same thing…and like Nicole above me said, I didn't want to believe that it was true that she could be gone…it just felt too surreal. I've always wondered if she suffered…sometimes it has caused me such anxiety. And I've had to stop in those moments and ask the Lord to calm my spirit and to help me to focus on other things. So hard…

    Praying for you as you think about your sweet girl. You will always be Lily's loving mama.

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  19. Beautiful, cousin ♥️♥️

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  20. familiesforeverartMarch 13, 2018 at 3:09 PM

    I love this post. How tender, how truthful and how it has your heart and soul in it! Thank you

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  21. So heartbreaking and so beautiful. She is with her creator and I’m sure is seeing so much beauty. I can’t imagine what it’s like to carry a baby so long and to lose her like that. My baby was 16 weeks gestation and I never felt any movement. Not that losing my baby was easy but my heart would be more torn to go through the movements and feeling you describe. My heart is truly with you and your beautiful angel daughter. May God continue to bless you.

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  22. Thank you for sharing. Those moments are forever engrained in our brains... and hearts

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  23. My daughters name is Lily too. I lost her August 26, 2010.

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  24. Love and blessings to Lily and your family. 💖 I also wanted to share a new group I have started for fellow baby loss bloggers/readers. If you are interested, feel free to join and share your story with us. (I’m a blogger as well.)
    Your blog is beautiful and would be greatly appreciated in the group.

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  25. So beautiful. You are the most brave, precious being to share this with us. I feel honored to hear about this holy time. I know they are celebrating in heaven and anticipating Mommy's arrival! I can't wait to meet this little girl one day. Praying for you! 💕

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