Spring is Coming

This is a post I originally wrote and shared in 2012. I am reminded of it each year around this time.

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Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before Spring started. 

In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming beautifully and the sun grew warmer on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on and the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. 

With the promise of Spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together.

I see the hand of my God in choosing for her to be born right before the genesis of Spring. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and Spring are coming! 

There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, it was dark and gloomy out and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue could be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by both kinds of tears.

With Spring comes new life and fresh hope. Even here on Earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is Spring even here, in this fallen world. The Lord is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way. 

I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting life through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of Spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and Spring here on Earth, but He reminds me that Spring is coming. Eternal Spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them all yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity! 

My mom saw a glorious rainbow this morning, stretching all the way from one side of the sky to the other. She said the colors were so vibrant and amazing. How appropriate for this first day of Spring. 

So with this change of season, may we each cling to the Hope that is Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and Spring out of sorrow and Winter. Both here on Earth...and for all Eternity. 

Spring is coming. Hallelujah! 

  

"Our LORD has written the promises of the Resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in Springtime." -Martin Luther

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

This is a song from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, Spring, and the promise I have in Christ. 

Spring is Coming - Steven Curtis Chapman

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February 20th

It's February 20th, which always reminds me of the song "February 20th," by Steven Curtis Chapman, written about his daughter, Maria Sue, who went to be with Jesus in 2008. This song is on one of my favorite albums that flowed out of the loss of his own daughter. My Aunt Helen gave me the CD several weeks after Lily was born and died. Some lyrics from one of the songs on the album are on Lily's stone - "out of these ashes beauty will rise." February 20th was the day Maria Sue surrendered her life to Jesus. ❤️

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Spring is Coming

Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started. In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming so beautifully and the sun grew stronger on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on, the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. 

Spring and Lily...they came together.

I see the hand of my God in choosing for Lily's birthday, the genesis of Spring, and Easter to all be within just a couple weeks of each other. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! 

There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, as well as on her 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays, it was dark and gloomy out, and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue can be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by tears of happiness and tears of sadness. 

With spring, comes new LIFE, fresh hope. Even here on Earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. Through my own sin and sorrow, He is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way. I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting LIFE through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on Earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity! 

So with this change of season, may we each cling to the HOPE that's Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and spring out of sorrow and winter. Both here on Earth...and for all Eternity. 

Spring is coming. Hallelujah! 
  
"Our Lord has written the promise of the resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime." -Martin Luther

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

This is a song off Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, spring, and the promise I have in Christ. May you be blessed by it today as well.

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Beauty Will Rise...

All over the internet, there are websites, groups, blogs all focused around babyloss. Websites and articles that make other women feel so understood. Right at home. For me, they are often just another reminder of how different I feel. I see posts about "what to expect when you're expecting your rainbow baby," posts about infertility, and posts about life with a rainbow baby. But, where's the post entitled, "what to expect after your baby dies and it's not the time to have another?" Losing a baby already puts you into the "different" category. That in itself can make you feel misunderstood and alone. But, what about when you're single, early 20s, and cannot try again and have no idea if and when you will be able to...when it seems everyone around you that had losses at or around the same time as you (or much after) are now pregnant or trying to get pregnant. And you hear announcement after announcement and put a smile on your face as you wish "congratulations." And you truly are happy for them, but through your smile, there are also hidden tears. I've honestly not met anyone with a story like my own. Sure, there are similarities. 

I don't want others to think I am throwing myself a pity-party. I don't want to give myself any reason to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to compare my life to other's lives.

But here's the truth...

Most days, my entire body literally aches with longing.

My heart feels heavy.

My empty arms ache for the baby I once held and had to give back and for the babies I've not yet held.

With tears in my eyes, I type this now...I just wanna be a wife and mama. To a healthy, living, breathing baby.

It hurts so badly to see all my friends getting married and having healthy babies. So many happy engagements and weddings and births. I feel left behind.

When I got this message today from a girl who went to the same college I did, now lives in the same state I do, had a loss of her own, and is now pregnant with her rainbow...I wasn't expecting it at all. It was as if she could see right through me. See my heart and how deeply it hurts. It truly feels good to feel as if someone sees me. It feels like so much of the time, everyone is just so caught up in their own lives, their own sorrows and joys. I just want you to know how much that means to me.

I wanted to let you know that you've been on my mind today...Know that I'm praying for you. I can't imagine how strong your desire is to mother a child here on earth. My heart aches for you. I am praying that God would be faithful to fulfill those desires for a husband and children soon. I promise you, when He does, the waiting will be so worth it! In the meantime, know He is using you in great ways!

It's days like today, when I feel nearly crushed beneath the weight of all this, that I turn up Beauty Will Rise so loud that I can feel the beat of it pulsing in my veins. I sing along, at the top of my lungs, as if to make myself believe what I'm singing, even when I don't feel it or see it. It's like I have to sing it to believe it. Through tears and a shaking voice, I sing...buried deep beneath all my broken dreams, I have this hope: Out of these ashes, beauty will rise and I will dance among the ruins. I will see Him with my own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For I know, joy is coming in the morning...in the morning, beauty will rise. It will take my breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes.

Out of the ashes of my abortion...beauty will rise. Beauty has risen. Out of the ashes of losing Lily, beauty will rise. Out of the ashes of these broken dreams, beauty will rise. It truly has already taken my breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of my own sin. Out of my bondage and rebellion, He brought me into freedom in Christ. Out of my abortion, unplanned pregnancies, stillbirth, more beauty than I could ever comprehend has risen. The ripples of this will echo into eternity. Will continue to take my breath away. 

"Beauty From Ashes," by Beth Morey

This is the story God is writing for my life...though there are chapters full of sorrow, there are also chapters full of joy. Each page has joy spilling over. And my Jesus has never left me and has strengthened me in moments of weakness and given me peace under trying circumstances. I trust He has a better future planned for me than I could imagine. And even if it's not what I would plan for myself, I trust that He knows best. I am sure whatever He holds for my future will take my breath away...I long for the day when Christ is reunited with His bride...and I will see my Lily and Luke again there. I can only imagine the celebration. Jesus truly makes all things new. One sweet day there will be...No more tears. No more aching. No more longing...

I picture myself on a mountaintop, surrounded by God's glorious creation, with my arms outstretched to the Heavens. I am twirling around and around, with eyes closed, crying out to my Great God. My Redeemer, my Healer. The only One who can bring beauty from all this mess. Beauty from my sinful, broken heart. 

Out of my losses, my longings, my sorrow, and my hope...beauty will rise.

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A Night with the Chapmans

Tonight, my family and I had the blessing of spending "A Night with the Chapmans." Steven Curtis Chapman, his wife Mary Beth, and their sons Caleb and Will Franklin, are on tour as a family this fall.

Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise album has helped heal my heart in so many ways. Each song speaks to me in a way that only a bereaved parent can understand. My aunt gave it to me for Mother's Day this year and I have listened to it and cried as I sing along to it countless times since then.

My friend Dayna went with me to the concert as well. Her mother passed away last November, so we really connect in our grief and loss. 

The concert was such a precious time of tears and laughter. It was such a gift to hear the songs that have come to mean so much to me in person, which is much different than hearing them on a CD.

The evening was so meaningful, with Mary Beth speaking, the boys performing, and of course SCC performing. I will forever treasure the memory of this night...

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