Born Still

This beautiful poem captures what I felt in March 8 years ago and in all the days, weeks, months, and years since... oh, my sweet Lily Katherine. To those who've also lost babies to stillbirth, wouldn't you agree? 💕🌸

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"Oh Mother, My Mother"

My friend Shannon shared this beautiful poem with me. 💕

Oh Mother, My Mother

by Theresa Cochrane

Oh mother, my mother

I touch your tears

invisible fingers

soothing your skin

I know you think of me so often

in the day, in the night,

in your dreams

going into an empty nursery

knowing I'll never be there

but I am...in your heart

in your soul, I shall always be

for you gave so unselfishly

of yourself.

Inside of you, you created

such a world for me

a world of laughter, of love,

of sadness, of sorrow

every emotion people come to know

you shared with me.

And even though I may never

feel your arms around me

I felt your heart beating,

like a lullaby, singing me to sleep

and your spirit giving me a safe haven

always protecting me

nurturing me

preparing me of things to come.

But sometimes the journey

of life pulls souls apart

and yes, I had to go on

to another place.

I wish I could stay

I wish this was a decision I could make

and I know you do too.

Know this wherever you are:

I will always remember

that yours was the first love

the first joy, the first soul

I will ever know

you gave me the courage to

go on in my journey

I hope I can do the same

for you

Your heart beat will always

call me to you.

Love, your child

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The Sweetest Flowers

"No rosebuds yet by dawn impearled,

Match, even in loveliest lands,

The sweetest flowers in all the world,

A baby's hands."

-Swinburne 💕😌

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Pieces of My Motherhood

Real heartbeat

Unique DNA

My Luke Shiloh

A new name

He gave me

"Mother"

Only 6 weeks

Too soon with Jesus

Missed all my life

Another heartbeat

Unique DNA

My Lily Katherine

Memories held dear

Pregnancy to birth

My first-born

40 glorious weeks

Sacred and sweet

Beautiful girl missed

A not-yet heartbeat

Unique DNA

My hoped-for baby

I pray more than weeks

But a lifetime to raise

His will be done

All my babies -

First child of my heart,

First-born,

Future first-to-raise -

Irreplaceable pieces of my motherhood

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Born Still

This beautiful poem captures what I felt in March 7 years ago and in all the days, weeks, months, and years since... oh, my sweet Lily Katherine. To those who've also lost babies to stillbirth, wouldn't you agree? 💕🌸

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Waiting for His Redemption Song

The pain of so many losses;
A future, hopes, dreams, love, purity, innocence, a sweet little flower
Nothing on Earth can mend the wounds
It will be only by HIS power

The anguish of goodbyes
The agony of regret
What I'd give to go back
What I'd do to forget

In so many faces, I see his
He visits me in my dreams
I keep it all bottled up
But inside there are silent sobs and screams

They say "time heals all wounds,"
Five years since the drift
And I'm still waiting
For the crushing weight to lift

When her perfect heart stopped beating
The pulse of our love ceased too
I didn't just lose our little flower
I lost the both of you

How do I let go?
How do I move on?
I cling to HIM in my frailty
And wait for HIS redemption song...

Playing this on repeat - "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

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She's in Each Lovely Thing

A poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I did not die.

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Born Still

I came across this beautiful poem and thought I'd share it here...thinking of my beautiful Lily Katherine and all babies who were born still...

STILLBORN

By Linda Kay

Bittersweet Farewell/SHARE

Stillborn, 

I am not sure I understand.

Is is it a babe who is born in the hush of a morning's breath

before the birds begin to sing?

No, this is not stillborn though we would like it to be.

It is babe, who is born so quiet, so still, that the angels hush

their rustling wings to hear if he/she will not draw a tiny breath?

Perhaps this is very close, but surely, means more.

Stillborn,

Born still in the arms of God.

Stillborn,

Born still in the full knowledge of God's love and power,

His glory and grace.

Born still to us, BUT alive to God!

Surely this is still born:

No death, but Eternal Life, No Sorrow, but Everlasting Peace,

No separation, but Communion FOREVER with God!

Yes, now I understand,

Stillborn...

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Valentine's Day Poem in honor of Lily written by my mother

Originally written and posted in 2011. Missing my sweet Valentine today.

GOODBYE LILY KATHERINE
By Ginny Bain Allen - 2011

In my daughter's womb, grew her gift from above.

We readied a room, for her wee one to love.

On our merry way rejoicing, to a glorious celebration.

Expecting our flower’s arriving, Jesus' tears hid the sun.

God had bid her go before we said, "Hello."

Goodbye budding life. Goodbye shattered dreams.

Goodbye precious babe lying still in our arms.

Goodbye sweet nursing and soft cries.

Goodbye to rocking and lullabies.

Goodbye wonder and curiosity.

Goodbye to kissing who you would be.

Goodbye to hearing "Dukes" and "ma-ma" too.

Goodbye to discovering wonderful you.

Goodbye snuggling you to our hearts.

Goodbye tore our lives apart.

Goodbye to our pure Lily Katherine.

Goodbye ‘til we meet you in Heaven.

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His Love is Contagious

When I gaze into the eyes of the greatest Lover,

I see the hope I need to get through tomorrow.

I gain Your strength.

Your love is contagious.

I can't run from such love.

It's real.

If I try to turn away from it and live for me,

Just one look back at you makes me run into Your arms.

And hold on tighter than ever before.

You are life to me!

Your majesty and Your love.

I want to touch Your face.

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My Little One, My Dear One, My Love

My little, one, my dear one, my love,
you will be with me forever:
in the thin sunlight and long shadows
of a clear winter's day;
in the dawn excitement of birds
sounding in early spring;
in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees
in a mid-summer's night;
in the rich aromas and bright colours
of a warm autumn day.
All that is excellent,
brushed by Life's
brightness and shadow,
will remind me of you,
My little one, my dear one, my love.
You will beat with my heart,
see through my eyes,
hear with my ears,
feel on my skin.
Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,
My little one, my dear one, my love.

~Edward Searl

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Be Mine

These screams echo in my head.
Constant voices badgering my soul.
My inner most being
It aches.
It yearns.
It sees the wretched defilement
of who it is.
What its done.
There's no way out.
I'm stuck in this despair.
Like quick sand, I keep sinking.
Deeper and deeper into this abyss.
The deepest parts of me are crying,
screaming out loud.
But not a tear on my face.
Not a sound to be heard.
The only one who hears me is You.
You see my deepest needs,
my deepest desires,
my fears.
And you hold them in Your hand.
You tell me to cling to You
with all that is in me.
Drown out the voices,
the constant chatter,
the never-ending noise
of the devil and his world.
To cling to You.
With all that is in me.
Holding nothing back.
Run to You,
lean on You.
Please carry me,
hold me,
love me.
I am Yours.
Be mine.

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He took her silently (6-week postpartum check-up)

Last Wednesday, I had my 6-week postpartum appointment with Dr. M. I was completely dreading it. Whenever I'm on the hospital premises now, emotion rises up in me, and I have to choke back the tears. It didn't help seeing all the pregnant women in the building. It seemed strange not to be waddling like a penguin down the once seemingly endless hall to get to the elevator. The entrance to the birthing center is right next door to the building where Dr. M's office is, so I tried not to look over there.

We were at the office for one and a half hours. I don't understand why they would allow us to wait in there that long. Don't they know how hard it is for us to be in there? There are memories there that I don't want to face just yet...memories of seeing her chubby cheeks on the ultrasound screen, memories of hearing her heart beat week after week, memories of setting up my induction date, memories of talking about her, preparing for her.

When I first arrived, they made me fill out a stupid paper to see if I have postpartum depression. It was the same sheet they made me fill out at my 3 week appointment. I'm telling ya, they seemed like trick questions. I wanted to ask what the right answer was. Umm, duh I feel sad. I mean, I did just lose my baby less than two months ago. But, no I'm not going to commit suicide or whatever it is you're afraid I might do. So, I just tried to answer what I thought they would want to hear. In my answer choices, I tried to show that yes, I'm sad, but yes, I'm going to make it. I have Jesus.

I hate the way so many people look at me these days. As soon as they find out that I lost my baby, they immediately become uncomfortable and have no idea what to say. Either they avoid it completely, or say nothing at all. I noticed some of these "looks" in Dr. M's office. Bridget was the only one who seemed like she truly wanted to talk to me. She came right out of her office as soon as she knew I was there and hugged me, with a big smile on her face. She lost a baby nineteen years ago, so she's not awkward about it at all. In fact, she called me when I was in the hospital and told me how sorry she was and she's there for me if I need anything. I plan on going with her to an "infant loss support group" sometime soon.

I'm healing up well physically. I can start running again. I did run on Saturday evening. But, I'm still recovering from it. I mean I expected to be sore after not running for so long, but this is beyond sore. My stomach muscles are really hurting, as in like it's hard to walk hurting. I think I'm going to have to join Planet Fitness right away so I can get back into shape, without having to hurt myself too much in the process.

My mom and I went back to talk with Dr. M alone in His office. We were in and out of there in minutes, like he didn't have enough time to answer our questions...he kept saying, "anything else...anything else?" Even before giving us a chance to say what we wanted. He went right into telling us there is no medical explanation for why Lily died. Honestly, this is what I was expecting. I was just waiting to hear the words from him. God somehow spoke this truth to my heart, that He simply took her. There was no reason...no reason other than the fact that He needed her with Him. He needed her far more than me. And He has a plan far beyond what I can comprehend.

I remember at the hospital saying it didn't matter what the autopsy results discovered because it wouldn't bring her back. That's why I opted not to get one. But, then the hospital offered to give a free full autopsy, and I agreed. I know God worked that out because He didn't want me to always wonder why she died, what the medical explanation is. Because, you see, God is much greater than "medical explanations." If He wanted her here with me, she would be! I have to keep reminding myself of this.

For a while, I wondered if I would rather have a medical explanation or not. Which would be harder? Would it be harder to know there was something that could have been done to save her, even though it's too late or have no reason at all? At least I know there is nothing wrong with me. At least I know there was nothing I did. And I'm thankful I now know that I need to have c-sections in the future to avoid any complications in childbirth. If Lily had lived, she might be permanently damaged now because she barely fit through my pelvic bone. I'm thankful God made it work out that I had a natural delivery, so I would find this out. I'm thankful that I had that experience with her. I will always treasure the memory of giving birth to her, my baby. It made me feel like a mother. I didn't have much of a chance to be a good mother to her.

I have complete peace in what I now know. She didn't suffer, she didn't flop around in pain. She was alive one moment, and the next she was gone...Still. One minute she was in the earthly realm, the next in the spiritual. He breathed the breath of life into her, and he took it away. He took her away. In the most beautiful way possible. It may sound strange for me to say that, but God has a way of bringing beauty to any and all things. He has a way of healing and restoring even the most broken of hearts.

He wanted to bring me the assurance, the peace, that she's not here because she was never meant to experience the pain and sufferings of this world. It's amazing that God even worked out the details of her name, long before I truly realized the amazing depth behind the meaning. I named her Lily because I she was to be a symbol of renewed purity, redemption. Little did I know how much she would live up to her name. God gave me the name, Lily Katherine. I had no idea that Katherine also means purity. Both her names, both mean purity. And she will forever be pure. God delights in the small things, He places such a sacred essence on things as small as a name. My Lily is with a beautiful God who knows her by name, gave her her name, gave her life, and took her life. I praise Him through this storm.

He took her silently
He took her away
She was far too beautiful to stay
He took her perfect
He took her pure
She knew no sin,
No suffering to endure.
He took her painlessly
In the night
The only thing she knows
Is Heaven's light
He loves her more than I do
And knows what's best
In His arms, is where I'll rest
There is no reason
No one to blame
Still, I miss her just the same.
I'm a mother who held her baby
For just a day
But, in Heaven she waits
That's where she'll stay.
I'll hold her again,
Kiss her, and love her.
Of this I am sure.

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To the ends of the earth...

May all else fade away
As I stand in the presence
Of my Beloved.
He calls me His chosen one...
For I am His.
As I rest in His love,
May I find strength
In the assurance that
He is with me
Always.
To the ends of the earth.
Because He loves me.

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Out of Darkness.

Darkness.
Such darkness that surrounded me.
Threatening to swallow me,
Take me whole.
Stealing the light,
the precious light that once cascaded through me.
It envelopes me, gags me.
Taking the life within me.

Like a thief in the night,
It comes.
Robbing us of all joy.
All truth.
All hope.
The light is ripped out of us.
Trampled on.
Then laughter.
Scorn.
Ridicule.
Darkness whispers its nasty lies:
'Nothingness.'
'Unworthiness.'
'Despair.'

But, my Warrior, my mighty Warrior,
Comes to rescue me.
His princess, His bride.
He fights for me.
Bleeds for me.
Dies for me.
This is enough.
His love overcomes the grave.
Breathing His life, His light,
back into my being.
Through that dark night of faith
He was gazing at me.

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Find Me.

So much has changed.
But you remain the same.
Here I am, broken now.
Not knowing where to go.
Show me the way.
I am lost.
I am broken.
But, I long to be beautiful...
I long to be found.
Please find me.
Sweet Jesus.

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Delving Into This.

I'm delving into something I never before knew existed.
Something I don't fully understand, but want to know more.
An intimate romance that brings me unspeakable joy.
I'm gazing into the love-struck eyes of the Lover of my soul.
I hear His sweet words drift into my ears and melt my heart.
Looking into the eyes of my Prince, my Noble Knight, I see truth.
I see life.
I see my future.
I see everything I am and all I ever hope to be.

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You're My Only Hope.

My soul pants for You, God.
It knows its desperation.
The tears and pain,
A world without you...
Hopeless.
Despair.
It rips my heart out.
It wants me defeated.

But, my head is down,
Tilted down.
You make me look up.
You are there.
I see your face...
Those eyes.
You take Your hand
And brush it softly across my cheek.
You don't like those tears.
You don't want to see that pain.
You pull my hair back and tenderly whisper to me,
Your Beloved...

"Do not fear.
I am here.
Let me take your pain.
Turn those tears into rain.
Hold onto me.
I will always be
Faithful to you, my love."

My soul knows this is truth.
In a world with greyness, doubt, and confusion.
It's the only thing of which I'm certain.
It's my only hope...
You're my only hope.

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Whisper Life to Me.

May all else fade away.
As I rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Beneath His wing, I am guarded.
I am protected.
I am adored.

May His light cascade through me.
Through my entire being.
May my every pore drip with His love.
He is my delight.
Who have I, but Him?
My Prince.
My one.true.love.

He calls me to Him.
He beckons me.
With tears in His eyes.
He has always been there.
Waiting for me.
Waiting to carry me.
Hold me, love me, adore me.

Now here I am.
Whisper life to me, Jesus.
Show me life.
Life more abundantly.
Show me truth.
Light.
Love.
Always.
My King.

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