Lily's Loving Aunt

Can I brag on what an amazing aunt Lily has in my sister-in-law Kala? She told me today she wants to make red-velvet cupcakes from scratch for her birthday. :)

Also, we were looking around in Target when I saw a gorgeous card with a butterfly that looked embroidered. It was one of those pricey Papyrus cards that are beautiful! I said that it's so nice that I automatically think "scrapbook" instead of card. She responded and said, unless it's a very special occasion... which I know of one coming up (talking about Lily's birthday) as she tossed it in her shopping basket. ❤️ 🎈
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Kala (and Harvest) visiting Lily's spot last Summer

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Lily's Upcoming Birthday

If you can't tell, I love having Lily Katherine's name written in all different ways all over the world, especially in the sand.

Some of the many ways her name has been honored in the past 7 years

Lily's name was one of the only things I could ever give her, one of the only things that's hers. It speaks of her existence and value. Dignity is in a name. Beauty is in remembrance of the person behind a name.

Lily's 7th birthday is in a couple weeks. Would you celebrate her life with me by honoring her name and writing in in any way you can wherever you are in the world? Or even taking a photo of a sign, store, etc. with her name?

It comforts my mother heart when I see that not only is she not forgotten, but she's actually remembered by *many, many people.* Her impact is reaching the farthest corners of the globe, in places I will most likely never travel. But she is getting to. 😌

My email address is roseandherlily{at}gmail{dot}com. 💕🌷🎈🌸 

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The Gift of a Butterfly Balloon

I'm all misty-eyed.

I saw a beautiful large pink butterfly balloon at Wegmans that I wanted to get for Lily's birthday celebration next month. 🎈 Only thing is, they didn't have any extras in stock (just the one that was already inflated that I saw). I really wanted to get it though since I don't have a Wegmans near where I live in North Carolina and I'm leaving Maryland tomorrow. 

The sweetest lady who is an employee there offered to get it deflated for me and said with the type of balloon it is, it'll work to get in re-inflated. 

As we were standing there waiting, she asked what it is for, so I shared about Lily. She went on to ask some more questions, which is a rare thing for people not to shy away and act awkward about Lily Katherine. I shared that my baby girl died just before birth, that she'd be turning 7 in March, and that the balloon is for her grave for her special day. I even gave her a blog card (I keep them in my purse just in case because I never know who I might meet). :) She appeared to get a bit teary and had such kind and loving eyes. She asked if seeing butterflies feels like Lily saying "hello." I told her butterflies, roses and lilies are significant to me. 

After they were finally able to get the $9 balloon deflated, she folded it up, placed it in a bag, and told me "there will be no charge for this today." With tears, I responded, "really?" and then thanked her and told her how special it was to share Lily with her. 

One small act of kindness can mean so much. If you're reading this, Wegmans employee, you made my day. And by the way, the lady I was with was actually not my mom, but my mom's best friend, but I didn't think it was important to mention that at the time. :)💕 #WegmansCustomerForLife

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Butterfly Shirt for Lily's Birthday

My sweet friend Sandra gave me a gift card to my favorite restaurant/store (Cracker Barrel) for a graduation gift. I got this pretty flowy shirt with butterflies and flowers all over it, specifically to wear on Lily's birthday in March... but it's so cute I know I'll wear it many times before then too, including this week when we had a 70 degree day. 😊 💕☀️ 

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Preparing for Lily's 4th Birthday

Lily's birthday weekend is in only two weeks! It always comes up fast. I am so excited that birthday preparations are coming together finally. I have been hoping for quite some time to make it up to Virginia for her 4th birthday. Each of her birthdays thus far (including the actual day she was born) have been spent in North Carolina, where I live. But, I am from Virginia and that is where Lily is buried, so I really want to spend some of her birthdays there too.

This is the first year on Lily's birthday that her memorial headstone is there, so it is really important to me to be there. I want to be able to decorate her stone myself, rather than having to send things to my dear friend to decorate for me. I am so thankful this friend does this for me, but it is hard to figure out what I can mail that isn't too big or heavy. And it just doesn't feel right not to be able to do it myself. Tending to Lily's special spot and decorating it for her birthday feels like my way of mothering her. It brings joy to my heart, as strange as it may sound.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it up there with financial reasons, work, school, etc... but as of today, things are working out and the plans are almost set. My mom and I (and maybe my dad and siblings) will be going up to Virginia on Friday, March 14th (the date Lily was due) and staying through Monday, March 17th (the date I left the hospital without her). And of course Sunday, March 16th is her 4th birthday in Heaven. Now that it is official we will be going, I need to get all the detailed plans together.

A big reason why I want to make it up there for her special day is so I can get her vase fixed so her spot looks perfect for her on her birthday and for any visitors she may have. I hope to figure all that out with her vase on Saturday. I also want to get all her decorations in place on Saturday so it can be out there for her entire birthday weekend and so I can enjoy it each time I am at the cemetery. I plan on spending quite a bit of time at the cemetery that weekend.

On Sunday (her birthday), is when I am planning a special time of remembrance. I am going to invite a few friends and family members to the cemetery for cake and celebrating Lily's LIFE. I need to call a local baker to see about making a special red-velvet cake (or maybe red-velvet cupcakes, we shall see. I have some ideas). Red-velvet is a tradition on her birthdays. Another tradition is to eat at my favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, on Lily's birthday, so we will be doing that as well.

A talented musician friend of my grandmother and aunt/uncle is going to be playing her guitar and singing "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman (some of the lyrics to this song are on Lily's stone). I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon to discuss details. Isn't that so kind of her? It means so much to have others remembering Lily with me on her day. I would love to have a butterfly release at the cemetery, but the weather may still be too cold for that... so perhaps we will have a balloon release. I also really want to finish her two scrapbooks by her birthday to share with everyone on that day!

Since a lot of these plans are outside, please pray for good weather! I am praying for blue skies and sunshine and no rain. Also, mid-March weather has the potential to be cold or spring-like in Virginia, so please pray it isn't so cold for us to be out there. I really want to be at her special spot on her special day.

I am missing my sweet girl as usual as her birthday gets closer, but am happy to be planning special things in her honor for her day. I am happy that I will be able to spend the day with my grandmother and other loved ones who I've never gotten to spend March 16th with. I don't know how I will feel on that day, so I pray I won't be too sad and not wanting to do anything and that I will have the energy to visit with people.

Anyways, these are the main plans as of right now. There are other traditions and things that will come together I'm sure in the next couple weeks. I would love to hear input from anyone with ideas for how to honor Lily on her day. I of course will be taking lots of photos of her day and blogging all about it. :)

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The Heaviness of 4

Each year, when January rolls around, I start thinking of Lily's birthday being just a couple months away. And my heart, oh my heart, has to start grappling with the reality that she'd be turning a new age soon... and I will never know her at that age.

She would be almost 4... just the mere thought of that brings tears to my eyes. These past 4 years have passed so quickly. 4 is weighing heavily on my heart.

I open the lid of her cedar memory chest and pull out those precious footprints and handprints... in the moments when the missing is more... when I need to be reminded that she was real. I didn't dream her up. With each turn of a calendar year, it feels like one giant step into the future... a future where Lily will not live. In those first days, weeks, and months after she was born, time dragged by so slowly. Now, I find myself wondering how in the world it's coming up on 4 years since I held her for the first and last time.

I hate not knowing who my 4-year-old Lily would be. So many things about her I wonder. I wonder what my life would look like today if she were here.... completely and totally different. That's as much as I know.

When her birthday draws near, I start looking up ideas for how to celebrate... the only problem is, this always leads to finding things that have to do with birthday parties for little girls who are here. I was googling ways to honor Lily for her 4th birthday in Heaven when I stumbled across 4th birthday parties for little girls on Earth. That's how she'd look? So grown up! I wonder what theme/colors she would have wanted for her birthday party this year. In all my searching, I came across this little shirt for sale that you can put the name in to see what it'd look like. It seems to fit - Lily Katherine turning 4 - yet she will never fill a shirt like this. It will always remain empty of her. Though she still is having a 4th birthday. It's all so hard to wrap my mind around sometimes.

My sweet girl - I miss your laugh, your smile, your curly hair, your bright blue eyes. Though I never knew these things the way I wish I could have, I surely miss them. 

I miss your life in my life.

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Planning Lily's 3rd Birthday

The month of February is just flying by. In less than a week, Luke's month will be over and Lily's month will be here. I have said this before, but as soon as a new year rolls around, it feels like a fog settles in on my heart until April arrives. It's emotionally draining to have Luke's and Lily's months back-to-back. It always feels like March is looming on the horizon as soon as January comes and I am bracing myself for what will come. 

In three weeks from today, we will celebrate Lily's 3rd Birthday in Heaven. How can it have already been that long since I held her in my arms? Only three more weeks until she'd be 3?! She will have a Saturday birthday this year. Saturday birthdays are always special. The countdown in weeks begins and once March is here, the countdown in days will begin.

Last year, I mentioned that I felt a little bit of the birthday excitement and anticipation for Lily's special day. This year, I can honestly say that excitement has grown from what it was last year. And I am feeling it much sooner than last year. For the first two years after losing Lily, I dreaded March, but now I am excited for it. It's such a sacred time for me.

For Lily's first two birthdays, I was so consumed with grief that I didn't really plan much beforehand. I sort of winged it all last minute. But this year, I want to make her day really special and beautiful in her honor. Not that it wasn't for her 1st and 2nd birthdays, but I want to be more purposeful in my planning this year. I feel I am in a different place than I was last year and the year before. I have already been coming up with ideas for Lily's birthday, planning, and making a few purchases. This is the earliest I have ever done it. And honestly it's not that early - it just felt like it was really early until I realized how few days there really are left to get things together.

I can honestly say this year I feel more at peace about her month/day. I miss her more than words can say and I know it will be hard...but I also know it will be beautiful. A beautiful celebration of her beautiful LIFE. I am so thankful we have her birthday, a special day that's her very own to rejoice over her. I am thankful that March 16th will forever and always be my first-born's birthday. And I will celebrate it each year, no matter how much time passes. I am thankful that God has given me a joy in my heart when I think of a month that has brought me so much sorrow.  I am thankful that so much joy can coexist with so much sadness. That is only Jesus. I am thankful that I can have that birthday anticipation for my sweet girl. I am thankful that I can plan and make it special. I am thankful I have others who wish to celebrate her life and legacy with me. 

No, Lily is not here. But, she was still born on March 16th, 2010. She is still a beautiful life worthy of being celebrated.

My mother heart so longs to be planning a 3rd birthday party for my sweet girl. It is really hard to find things that are appropriate for a little girl's Heavenly Birthday celebration. I am constantly bombarded by things for a little birthday girl who lives on earth. There are so many things I see that I wish there was a need to get or make. So many outfits or things I see and I say, "if Lily were here, that is something I would like for her," or "if Lily were here, I'd like to have that for her party." I wish I was getting her gifts for her birthday, but instead I am getting memorial items for myself and my family. I wish there was some sort of website or store with birthday supplies for parties celebrating Heavenly babies. There just isn't a need for so many of the things that pop up when I search for birthday supplies. And it makes my heart heavy to see those things I will never need for her.

In my searching for items to make her day extra special, I was on Etsy and looked up birthday supplies - not anything to do with the name Lily, little girls, the month of March, or 3rd birthdays. And this picture came up in my search... 

I just had to share it. Out of all names - Lily's. The same spelling, her 3rd birthday, and in March. It made my heart happy-sad. Things like this always seem to happen to me. It is hard when it happens, but also a sweet reminder that Jesus remembers my girl and her special day.

I wish I were preparing adorable birthday party invitations like in the photo to mail out to friends and family. And other little toddlers who would be Lily's friends. Little children I will never meet because she isn't here. But, there is no need for such invitations. At least not this year. Maybe at some point in the future, when I am ready, I will have a bigger "party" to celebrate her and I will get to have fun and come up with some sort of creative cards. But, not yet. This year, I plan on being with my family only on her day. That's what my heart needs. And I plan on seeing a few close friends at some point around her birthday. My mom and I also hope to have a special little get-together with our neighbor Joanna, who we are very close with now. It's crazy that her daughter shares a birthday with my daughter! She will be 10 this year. That means she turned 7 on the day Lily was born and we didn't even know it, even though she lives two houses down. For the past two years, we gave her a gift on her birthday. A few nights ago, we asked Joanna what Ashley might like for her birthday this year. She said we don't have to do that...and we know that. But, we enjoy doing it as a part of remembering our girl. This year it will be even more special because we have gotten close to their family. We are going to ask them if they want to do something with us in celebration of both Ashley and Lily.

Anyways...these are some of the special things I have planned. And I would love to hear any ideas you all might have for ways to honor and celebrate Lily's special day. What have you done in honor of your baby's special days?

-Have hashbrowns on March 14th (which was her due date, National Potato Chip Day. One of her nicknames was "Spud," and ironically the food I craved most during my pregnancy was hashbrowns.) :)

-Eat red-velvet cake (a tradition started on her 1st birthday because we had it at her Valentine's-themed baby shower).

-Eat at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant - another tradition).

-Donate hospital comfort boxes to the hospital where Lily was born to be given to families who have lost a baby.

-Everyone wear pink and brown (Lily's two special colors).

-I will be hosting a couple blog giveaways in honor of her day. :)

-My dear friend Elise offered to decorate Lily's special spot (where she is buried) for her birthday. I am getting things together to mail to her since I can't go myself. Any ideas for how to decorate a baby's burial spot for their birthday?

I think I am ordering two of these balloons for her birthday. One to have here with me and one to send to my friend Elise to take to her spot. It's perfect with the color pink, flowers, a butterfly, and her name. :)

These are just some of my favorite plans...I have other ideas and there are other traditions/things planned that I will share once her birthday comes. :)

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