Monday, May 10, 2010

A Day to Rejoice

Mother's Day has come and gone now. I knew I wanted to post something, but didn't quite know what. Words fail me. What is there to possibly say to comfort these mothers who exist without their children? What is there to say, to think, that can possibly comfort myself? Bring me some sort of peace. Where words fail, tears somehow seem to suffice.

All I can do is cry for the loss of Lily. The loss of the babies of women that I have never even met. I cry. For the mommy who doesn't like chocolate, but for Mother's Day ate a piece of Blackout Chocolate Cake, in honor of her precious boy, Matthew, who loved it. For the mommy that lost her twin boys, Dale and Jesse, who were sure to fill her home with vibrant life. For the mommy that lost three babies and is still waiting for a Mother's Day with a child to show for it. For the women that have been trying and trying to become a mommy, to no avail. For the mommy that misses her sweet Kathlyn and just wants to sleep and escape, rather than have the day of flowers, giggles, cards, and joy that should'v been. I cry for the lifetime of "why's?" that each of us babyloss moms live with. I cry for how different Mother's Day would have been if she were here. How proud I would be to show her off and have people know I'm her mommy and wish me a happy Mother's Day. But, nobody said it. No perfect stranger knew that this was my first Mother's Day and I was spending it without my light, my world, my darling. It's a day of beautiful sorrow.

A day that reminds us to cherish and be cherished. To rejoice over our mothers and be rejoiced by our children. I rejoice for the precious gift God gave me in her. And I mourn the life I never knew outside of myself. I'm a mother on Mother's Day without the very soul that rendered me a mother. Yet, I still am a mother. Her mother. I held my daughter in my arms less than two months ago. As my friend, Kala, says...though she doesn't know Lily, she feels her life all around. This Mother's Day, I felt her life, I rejoiced, I remembered, I cried, and I thanked God for giving me the most precious gift I could ever receive.


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I am at Massanutten Resort this week with my grandmother (Bumma), sister, mom and brother, Adam. This was the week we had planned on having a baby shower for Lily with Virginia friends and family. And everyone would be meeting her now as well. Definitely lots of emotions wrapped up into the week.

On the way up, I couldn't help but notice a mom with her adorable twins and newborn baby at a rest area. This made me stop in my tracks. I realized that I should have my newborn with me right now.

I kept trying to think of what I could do special for Lily. I read of all these moms doing special things to remember their babies. I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything.

I awoke to breakfast in bed, made by my sweet sister. My family was so dear to go out of their way to treat me like a mother for Mother's Day.



Later in the day, we had lunch at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant!) Mom got me a beautiful Willow tree (which I collect). I got a couple cards and a couple people wishing me a happy Mother's Day.


The day was hard, yes, but overall it was special. A bittersweet day. But, a beautiful day, nonetheless, remembering my lovely Lily. Though I don't have the one here on earth that made me a mother, she is in my heart always. I love and miss you, Lily!! Thank you for making me a mommy on Mother's Day! :)

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This post left me:

8 comments:

  1. Happy mother's day. Having a child to hold doesn't dictate anything. The love in your heart for Lily shows what a wonderful mother you are and you should be rejoiced and held high. God bless you. *hugs*

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  2. So beautifully said. You are a beautiful Mommy!

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  3. Oh, you always touch my heart so deeply!!!!!! Wisdom beyond your years, friend...wisdom beyond your years.

    Much love to you...and thank you so much for the precious, precious picture. John and I adored it!
    xoxo

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  4. :) great post, and know that I said a prayer for you Sunday. Thanks for the Mother's Day card. You are a sweetie!

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  5. Happy belated mother's Day.

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  6. Beautiful post! and a happy belated Mother's Day to you sweetie. (I was out of town, otherwise it would have been prompt & on time) :) Thinking of you. XO

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  7. Roanna Kuenkel TaphornFebruary 1, 2014 at 3:26 PM

    I prayed for you Sunday...and yes, tears were all that came to me as well.

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  8. This is one of my favorites so far..love the pic also..RIP lily and one day u will join her in heaven<3ur lil angel

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