Thursday, May 6, 2010

If He wants me to

Brick after brick, hurled in my direction. And I don't know how to dodge them. I'm just standing in this one place, attempting to protect my wounded heart. Attempting to cushion the blows...

I'm angry. With people. I'm sad. With life. I'm yearning. For her.

So, so, so much. Words cannot convey just how much I miss her. Just how deep this sorrow is. Why is it that some days I feel like I'm alright, and then all of a sudden I'm not? I just want to feel better. I just want to be okay. I just want her to be okay. To be giggling and playing and cuddling. This grief threatens to swallow me.

I've been running from this pain. I didn't realize I was. Not until now. Not until the things that I've been clinging to so tightly let me down. I've been looking to places other than God to cope with this tremendous loss. This loss that I wish I never had to face. When you put your trust in people, you will be let down. It's a given. God is teaching me utter dependence upon Him and Him alone.

My heart aches for different reasons. I'm missing people. I feel vulnerable. I don't want to see other people hurting, especially when I caused that hurt.

I'm really ticked off right now. My mom found something that has to do with my sister. Something that exposes her broken heart. Somebody hurt her. Somebody that should know better. No, it's not a boy. Let's just say it's someone closer than most. And I'm ticked off, no I'm pissed off. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can say to make it okay. How can someone be so cold?! I just want to shake this person and say, "Don't you see what you're doing? Don't you see that other people matter too. Not just you!!"

It's not only this certain person. It's also this certain person's friends. I feel like these kids parents need to know what bratty, bullies their children are. Kids commit suicide because of how mean other kids are to them. I'm sorry if you think I'm rambling on and maybe you think what I'm saying is inappropriate. But, I just hate seeing people get away with acting so wrong!

The pieces of my sister's broken heart are scattered on the ground. I just want to collect those pieces, mend them, and make her precious heart whole again. But, I know only God can do that. I pray she lets Him.

People are so selfish and insensitive. I'm seeing it every day, more and more. And with Mother's Day rolling around, I'm sure selfishness will be proven once again. It's not about the cards or the flowers. I just want people to remember me and acknowledge that I'm still a mother! Is that selfish of me?! How easy it is for people to say sorry. To tell me I'm in their thoughts and prayers, not really meaning it. I know that with their next breath, I'm nearly forgotten. They don't recognize the extent of my pain and suffering. They don't care to. They go home to the comfortable lives they lead and maybe I cross their minds, maybe not. If you do care, if you really do pray for me...then thank you.

So, yeah. I'm a lot of things right now. And happy isn't one of them. My gentle Savior is waiting for me to let Him take the blows. I don't have to do it alone. I need God's grace and love more and more with every breath I take. Be patient with me as I travel on this road of grief.

He never said it would be easy, He only said I'd never go alone. So, I will walk through this valley if He wants me to.



  1. I am sorry about your sister. It amazes me how I never used to see all the heartache and selfishness around me till now. It took my heart breaking into pieces for me to realize. I know Mother's Day will be hard. I am not looking forward to it. We are still mothers though. We have children. They are just in heaven looking down. Thinking of you!!! xxx

  2. this post breaks my heart for many different reasons and unfortunately i am at work right now so i'm not able to devote as much time and care to this post as i'd like.

    you are a mother to a child in heaven. you are living motherhood without the very soul that rendered you a mother. i can never forget sweet Lily and the young woman who gave her to us.

    as for dear sweet bub, i will continue praying for her as she tours her adolescence with the beautiful innocence and authentic beauty that could only be a gift from God. i shall look forward to our girls day out.

  3. praying for you girl, and for your sister. :) may God bless you all.

  4. Hannah, it is okay to be angry, sad and to yearn for your sweet baby girl. God is HUGE. He can handle all of our emotions. Even when we hurl them at him. I have had my fair share of hurling matches of late also! I think as long as we keep letting these feelings out and not bottle them up that is part of grieving. Ramble, vent, rant, and rave. We are here to listen and understand. God is there to hold you when you are spent. Happy early Mother's Day. God bless!


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