New Life

A friend of the family shared this with me the weekend of Lily's memorial service:


Bob wrote, "After Tim shared, I thought I'd seen something wonderful around that time too. First flowers of Spring on March 16th." (Lily's birthday)

With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life all around me bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. We wait. We anticipate. Spring and Lily, they came together. Now, spring will always remind me of the time Lily came...and went. Ahh, spring is so bittersweet. Lily came and because of her life, she brought me new life, changing my heart forever. Although she left so soon, I know she has eternal life.


What a sweet and beautiful God we serve, to give me such a glorious promise of life, on the most difficult day I've known.

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Dear fourteen-year old,

I will try to find words to tell you these things...but words don't seem adequate. To tell you how much I love you, how much He loves you. For they are mere words. If only someone had told me these things, six years ago when I was fourteen... Why can't we learn from the paths others have taken and decide not to go there? Why must we take that same path to understand? Mere words cannot communicate what the hearts longs to. I just want to shake you, make you grasp the truth of who this King is. The reality of who He is has changed my life. It has transformed me from the inside out. True fulfillment. True joy. True love. You can have this too.

Dear girl. How precious you are. How I wish I could capture your innocence, your sweetness. And protect it, nurture it. The world tries to strip it away. Rob you of this priceless gift. Don't give it away. Hold on to it with all you have. Don't you know He adores you. He wants to hold you...love you...protect you. Let Him.

What can I possibly say to make you realize? To show you that I've been there. You think I don't know. You think I don't understand. I was there. Not too long ago. I took that path that you're on now. Turn back. Run the opposite direction. The road you are on now leads to misery, destruction, heart break.

In your desperation, be desperate for Him. In your searching, search for truth. He will give you fulfillment. Boys never will. Friends never will. Slow down. Think about your life. Reflect. Let His Spirit speak to you. Let Him captivate your heart. I see Him longing for you, dear one. Oh, how He adores you. How lovely you are to Him. In His eyes, you hold true value. You would never have to question if you're enough. You say you need time to think. Just believe.

Perhaps you will never read this. Perhaps if you do, you won't recognize it's for you. Perhaps one day you will realize. But, when you do, if you do, I hope you know you chose the right path. I hope you didn't suffer through that misery, that heartache. These are mere words.

Dear fourteen-year old...this is for you.

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Life, what a beautiful choice.

Little One
by Rebecca St. James

Hush, my Baby. Be still inside me.
Rest my Child. All is well.
Hush, my Baby. Grow inside me.
You are safe there, my little girl.

I can't believe that I would ever think that you were not to be.
But, darling, mommy feels like a child herself.
And I will give my life to love you, little one.
And I will give my life to protect you, darling. Always.
Always...

Hush my Baby. I'm dreaming of you.
And wondering just who you'll become.
Hush my Baby. Smile inside me.
Warmed by knowing you are loved.

I can't believe that I could ever think of life without you.
But, darling, mommy sometimes feels afraid.
And I will give my life to love you, little one.
And I will give my life to protect you, darling. Always.
Always...

Hush my Baby, smile inside me.
Warmed by knowing you are loved.

my precious Lily at 17 weeks and 5 days old
(the day I found out she's Lily, not Linden!)

I first heard this song yesterday during the ending credits of the new movie, 'Sarah's Choice,' starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expecations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything "Sarah" was experiencing.

Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what "choice" to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized I really don't have much of a choice. The choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can't fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I'm carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God's goodness and awesomeness.

What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now the very reason that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me. And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and impossible and bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.

My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! (there will be another blog with more details about this at a later date.) Praise you, Jesus, for breaking my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a mother. Give me your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know you alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus' love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!

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