If I am ever blessed with having another life to grow within me, I will want to share the joyful news early in pregnancy.
There are many people who wait until after the first trimester at least to make a pregnancy announcement because of the possibility of an early miscarriage, which is understandable. However, my thinking on this differs from these people. Let me explain...
I know that the odds of losing a baby decreases the further into the pregnancy one reaches, however when you have lost a baby literally AT their due date, you come to understand that there is no "safe zone."
Not only that, but even if I were to lose another baby, I'd want the support of others if it did happen. I wouldn't want to face the pain and loss alone.
Also, I believe every life deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated, no matter how short or long they are.
I hear of people who wait to announce they are having a baby until after the baby is born, and some wait to learn the gender until birth. I understand this can be an exciting surprise, but the way I see it, which has obviously been shaped by my full-term loss, I want others to know about and love my baby for as long as I have them here. I don't want this to seem like a morbid way of thinking, it's simply reality. I want to know my baby by his/her gender and name. I want to bond with my child as much as I possibly can because each day is a gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Lily taught me that. Lily taught me how to treasure her future siblings in a fuller way.
I want to make memories during my pregnancy, and gather keepsakes that document that sacred time in my life... getting a belly cast, professional maternity photos, etc. Not that I didn't make memories with Lily, but if I knew then that it'd be the only time I'd have with her, I would have been intentional about doing much more.
I'm thankful for the 40 weeks and 2 days I did have with her and that I bonded with my baby girl named Lily Katherine for the time I could. My heart truly connected with her for who she was, as a unique soul created by God, not for anything she'd ever do or accomplish, which doesn't make someone who they are anyways. 💕
This is something I shared a couple years ago that I want to re-share for some grieving mamas who've recently lost their babies... ❤️❤️❤️
I read an article that has brought me so much comfort. It said the following:
"You have stem cells from each of your babies in your brain.
The physical and emotional link between a mother and her child is about as close as a relationship can be. New research now shows the physical connection is even deeper than anyone previously thought.
Stem cells from the fetus have now been found in many areas of the mother’s brain, heart and other organs. These stem cells are ‘pluripotent’ that is, they can potentially be induced to form many different cells lines such as brain or cardiac tissue and help in regeneration.
Another study illustrated their potential. The heart of pregnant animals were damaged by blockage of a coronary artery, simulating a severe heart attack, though this was not lethal. Later after the animals delivered, the heart was examined. Stem cells from their fetus had migrated to the damaged mother’s heart and helped it repair itself.
These cells from each and every one of your children are there, in your brain and heart…. for life. And they will all still be there when you die."
Just WOW. I feel like crying each time I read this. Not only is Lily a part of me forever, carried in my heart and thoughts, but her cells are literally in my body and will be there until I die, until the day we are reunited in Heaven.
Her heart might not be beating on this Earth any longer, but she is alive... her legacy is alive, her cells are alive within me as proof that she was a real little girl, and most importantly, she is eternally alive with Jesus Christ.
God's design is breathtaking and how He bonds mothers and their babies is more beautiful than words could describe. And Lily's cells could even help my body repair itself. She has brought much good to my life.
For the mother who has not lost a child, this is a neat fact to learn, but for the mother who has lost a child, this is beyond precious. It is so sweet to think that I will carry Lily's cells, as well as the cells of any future children I may have forever. It is a way they will be bonded together as siblings. All of their hearts will begin beating in the same place, in the sacred place of my womb. In the place where Lily's heart not only started beating, but also stopped beating... the only home she ever knew.
When I must leave the cemetery where my beautiful daughter is laid to rest beneath the Virginia earth, the place where a stone has her named etched in it, I can smile through the tears. Her heart beats with each beat of my heart, her cells are within me. I smile because she is alive through me. And because she is alive in the place where I will know her in a way I never got to here.
Today, September 6th, is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. It is a day set aside each year to honor and remember babies that have been stillborn. Still born. For me and other moms who have had stillborn babies, every day is stillbirth remembrance day because we remember our babies each day, each moment.
Honestly, before experiencing stillbirth myself, I don't remember hearing about it or even knowing what the word meant. I certainly never thought it could happen to me. After all, I was fullterm in a healthy pregnancy with a healthy and perfect beautiful baby girl. Everything was great, I was simply awaiting Lily's anticipated arrival.
That is until everything came crashing down around me in the early morning hours of March 16, 2010... when I arrived at the hospital in labor, 2 days past my due date. Her heart rate couldn't be detected by the nurse, so my doctor brought in the ultrasound machine. And it was then that the devastating news was confirmed. Her heart had stopped beating. Just stopped. No reason, no explanation. At some point in the 5 days since my last prenatal appointment, where her heart had been strong as it'd always been, it ceased. Her perfect heart that created the most beautiful melody.
In the days that followed, others asked me how I didn't know, how I couldn't tell that she was gone? The best way I know to explain it, the way I've heard other stillbirth parents explain it as well, is that we simply thought our babies had run out of room. I thought Lily was big and therefore that is why I didn't feel her as much. And I did feel her, only now looking back, the only way I can describe that is that she felt like she was floating. That's a haunting memory.
You don't think stillbirth happens.
You certainly don't think it'll happen to you.
Until it does.
You play and replay everything leading up to the moment you heard the life-changing words that your baby had died. You wonder how you could have changed what happened.
26,000 babies are stillborn every year in the United States.
Each baby represents a family that most likely never thought it could be them.
"Stillbirth is known as the great equalizer - if you think it can't happen to you and your child, you're wrong. Stillbirth strikes all races, all religions, all walks of life. And it happens much more often than anyone likes to think about." ~Heather Fettig
Stillbirth throws families into a world of burials and headstones, and endless missing.
There are some ways to fight stillbirth. Pregnant mothers and those who know pregnant mothers: please take note of the importance of counting kicks. Become familiar with your own baby's unique movement pattern and be sure to be aware if the movements are not typical. This has literally saved babies lives.
According to the Count the Kicks Campaign, remember these two things:
#1 - Babies do not run out of room to move. They will run out of room for somersaults but they should be moving all the way up to and during labor.
#2 - Call right away if you notice a change in your baby's movement pattern. Even if you have an appointment scheduled for the next day, do not wait.
Listen to your gut. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are being a nuisance or dramatic. I don't think pregnant mothers should be wound up tight and constantly anxious about tracking their baby's movement, but it should be an intentional thing.
Once a pregnant mom is into the 3rd trimester (28 weeks) it's time to start counting.
Here's how you do it, as shared by Count the Kicks:
-Count the Kicks every day, preferably at the same time.
-Pick your time based on when your baby is usually active, such as after a snack or meal.
-Make sure your baby is awake first; walking, pushing on your tummy or having a cold drink are good wake-up calls.
-To get started, sit with your feet up or lie on your side. Count each of your baby's movements as one kick, and count until you reach 10 kicks. After a few days you will be able to see a pattern for your baby.
-Most of the time it will take less than a half-hour, but it could take as long as two hours.
-Log your recorded times using our Count the Kicks App or a kick chart.
Honor the babies who were stillborn and protect your own baby by counting the kicks. If your baby was stillborn, I'd love it if you'd share their name and birthday in the comments. ❤️
Every so often, I will remember something totally random from my pregnancy with Lily. Because I have been busy working on my pregnancy scrapbook lately, it seems I have been remembering more. I want to be sure to write all these things down so I never forget the precious time when she was alive within me.
One particular memory I have been thinking about over the past couple days happened in mid to late August 2009. I was around 11 or 12 weeks pregnant at the time and was working at a little restaurant in my hometown in Virginia.
It is amazing how things you haven't thought of in years can suddenly be so vivid and clear in your mind. As I remember this day, it feels as if I am back there on that hot August summer afternoon. The sky was clear and blue and the sun was warm on my skin. I remember I was wearing a green shirt I often wore and my favorite pair of jeans. It's almost like a movie and I am watching myself but also experiencing it again myself (I don't even know if that makes sense).
I had just celebrated my 20th birthday. God had been changing my heart so much in such a short amount of time. He kept me from going through with having an abortion on August 15th. My baby was still safe and alive.
At my job each week, we would receive a shipment of supplies and food needed for the coming week and I would help carry in the heavy boxes. Well this particular day, I remember so clearly thinking that I better not lift anything too heavy because I was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt my baby. Nobody I worked with knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even shared the news with my family yet. Only my child's father and a new friend who had also experienced an unplanned pregnancy knew.
This is one of the first times I recall feeling my motherly instinct to protect my child. It brings happy tears to my eyes to think of this because I was in despair not long before this day. But look how God had breathed LIFE into me and was giving me hope that can only come from HIM. Hope for my life and the life of my child. Assurance that He would give me everything I needed the moment I needed it and that He cared more for my unborn baby than I could ever know or comprehend. I knew we were in His hands. He was giving me a heart of love and the desire to care for and protect my sweet babe.
I remember my heart smiling on this August afternoon and a real smile finding it's way to my face, as an overflow from my heart. It was one of the first times I was excited to be pregnant, despite my circumstances. I had a baby in my belly! And for a short while longer, it felt like it was a precious secret shared between my sweet child and myself...
That was the beginning of my desire to protect Lily's LIFE... now I have a desire to honor her legacy.
I am so thankful for these memories that the Lord brings to my mind. This summer, it will be 5 years since I started mothering my Lily.
Well, I'm almost 32 weeks along now. My due date is two months from today...March 14th. Where is the time going? I'm getting very eager and excited, anticipating Lily's arrival. In a way, I feel like I simply cannot wait, but in a way, I feel totally unprepared.
I've been bustling around so much lately, organizing, cleaning, rearranging...I didn't really realize what this was all about until my mom pointed out last night that I'm 'nesting.' Too true! It's so funny that mothers of all species do this to prepare for their young. I feel like I simply cannot rest until everything is perfectly prepared for this little girl. My mind is constantly going with thoughts of what I still need to do...Finish organizing, cleaning, baby-proofing, getting her nursery ready, getting everything she'll need in the first few weeks of life, washing all her clothes so they're clean and fresh. Getting together what I'll need in my first few weeks of being a new mother, getting my baby registry prepared, getting my hospital bag ready as well as Lily's coming home bag prepared. Packing and repacking. Making lists...lots of lists...of everything. What to add to my registry, what I need, what to pack, etc. My mind is definitely extremely organized these days. I guess it's just part of becoming a mother. I realize I have someone else to take care of now...It's not just me. Things are going to be changing so much. I pray that I'll be ready. I pray that I can finish getting ready before Baby decides to join us.
I'm also planning my baby shower. I'll be having one on February 13th with NC friends and one in May when we go to Massanutten, with VA friends and family. The one in February is going to be a Valentine's theme shower...Lots of chocolate and pink! I'm getting very excited about the shower itself, as well as seeing old friends! I'm going to go to Michael's today to get supplies to make my own baby shower invitations. I love card-making now. :) I'll try to post some pictures of the finished cards before I send them off...Anyways, just a little update on what's been happening here in Raleigh.
Fetal development in pregnancy week 30:fetus in seventh month The light is visible at the end of the tunnel! Your oversized self and amazing growing baby have finally reached the single digits (in terms of weeks till birth)! The fine lanugo hair that has been growing all over their little monkey-like body is going to start falling off this week in preparation for the big day. But don’t be shocked if they’re hairier than you’d anticipated, some babies keep their lanugo until after birth. Still, it’s not any cause to be concerned as it will fall off eventually. No surprises here: your little porker is getting even cuter with increasingly pudgy arms and legs this week thanks to the ever-growing layers of subcutaneous fat. In terms of numbers, your baby should be weighing in at around 3 pounds 12 ounces (or more!) and be nearly 16 inches long.
And how's mom doing? On a very serious note: you should make sure to determine both you and your baby’s blood type. It’s extremely important for everyone. In the case that you and your maturing babe’s blood types don’t match there’s a chance you could produce antibodies that could potentially attack and harm a future fetus. It is rare, but with modern medicine, the problem is easily corrected and little cause for concern if dealt with properly.
As for the ongoing joys of being in your third trimester: your not-so-fun symptoms are just intensifying this week, so it might not hurt to slow down a bit and focus on yourself. If you’re feeling extra fatigued, you’ve probably joined the sleeping shouldn’t be this tough when I’m this tired club, especially if you’re experiencing a lot of back pain and general discomfort. If you’ve been pushing the exercise thing, then this is the time perhaps to cut down on the physical activities and focus more on getting proper sleep (if this means buying a pregnancy pillow, then do it!). Oh and all that moodiness? Just go with the flow emotionally. This doesn't mean letting the hormones win and becoming a complete psychotic. Instead, feel the feelings, but know that the drama you’re feeling is largely a result of increased adrenaline thanks indirectly to hormonal swings—not because things really are that dramatic and merit adult temper tantrums. The clincher symptom for this week: it’s highly likely your libido has gone on sabbatical. This, as far as we’re concerned, is perfectly natural in your condition.
Well, here I am...sitting here at the oldest hotel in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. It is historical, yet cozy and has all the 21st century amenities. The Eagles/Broncos game is playing on the seemingly out of place flat-screen HD TV and I am partly paying attention to it. Definitely an exciting game, (27-24 currently) considering it's Brian Dawkins' first year with the Broncos, playing on the opposing side of the Eagles at his beloved home stadium where he played so many times. Not only that, but my brothers and mom happen to be at the game, so we've been trying to spot them in the crowd. The SONY video camera has been put to good use the last couple days, capturing the historical essence of the city and forever recording the beautiful moments shared with family. Things are changing. I want to remember these times always. These times with my little sister, whose growing up all too fast. Right now, she's fifteen and going through the stage of make-up, hair straightening, stressing over clothes, and the world of iPods and laptops. Yet, she's still so little, so innocent. There's something so special about her. She doesn't seem to be affected by the world, as most fifteen-year-old girls are. What a blessing that is. I want to maintain that childlike innocence...Something none of us should lose with age. Yet, there's only so much I can do. She's going to have to go through hard things herself to realize what a cruel world this is. To realize how desperate she is for God. And then there's my twenty-five year old twin brothers. Living in North Carolina while they are in Virginia, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like. So, I value this time we're together. Joseph loves Philadelphia, he loves the Eagles. I'm really enjoying this time together as a family. It's so lovely here in Philly right after Christmas. All the lights are still up and it's quite enjoyable strolling the streets, stopping at cute little coffee shops for hot cider. I'll post more later...with pictures too.
As of Sunday, I am in my 25th week of pregnancy. My cousin Anna was down visiting from Virginia for the weekend so she, my sister, and I had a little photo shoot. It's so fun to see how much my belly has grown in such a short amount of time! I had an appointment with my Dr. last Tuesday and he said Lily is already 2 pounds and over a foot long! He checked her heart, brain, lungs, among other things and said she is very healthy! She's growing at the right speed and is quite active these days! As of now, Lily is definitely an early riser, waking me in the mornings with all sorts of squirming and kicking around. If this is any indication of what's to come, I better change my sleeping patterns now to get ready for this wild child! All my tests have come back healthy thus far as well. On December 21st, I'll be getting tested for gestational diabetes. Anyways, I'll give more of an update later about what's been going on in my pregnancy these last few weeks. It's quite an exciting time!!
Fetal development in pregnancy week 25:
Your little grower’s physical proportions are evening out at this point and most of their remaining development will largely be weight gain and lots and lots of nervous system development. The good news is: if your child is born premature now they’ll be more likely to survive without too much trauma as their lungs began to produce “surfactant” last week, which means their tiny respiratory system is getting stronger with each passing day. Yes, now’s a good time for a minor sigh of relief and a quick pat on the back. All that hard work and conscientious living is really getting your child prepared for a healthy delivery. Keep up the fabulous work mama! This week they’ll be scootching slowly out of the old breech position and start rotating (already!) into a better position for exit during their birth. Their head and feet are slowly rotating so that the head is pointed down towards the birth canal. Time is short (or really long, depending on who you ask)—just (still!) 14 weeks left before you can go back to being a single-resident human.
Hush, my Baby. Be still inside me.
Rest my Child. All is well.
Hush, my Baby. Grow inside me.
You are safe there, my little girl.
I can't believe that I would ever think that you were not to be.
But, darling, mommy feels like a child herself.
And I will give my life to love you, little one.
And I will give my life to protect you, darling. Always.
Always...
Hush my Baby. I'm dreaming of you.
And wondering just who you'll become.
Hush my Baby. Smile inside me.
Warmed by knowing you are loved.
I can't believe that I could ever think of life without you.
But, darling, mommy sometimes feels afraid.
And I will give my life to love you, little one.
And I will give my life to protect you, darling. Always.
Always...
Hush my Baby, smile inside me.
Warmed by knowing you are loved.
my precious Lily at 17 weeks and 5 days old (the day I found out she's Lily, not Linden!)
I first heard this song yesterday during the ending credits of the new movie, 'Sarah's Choice,' starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expecations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything "Sarah" was experiencing.
Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what "choice" to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized I really don't have much of a choice. The choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can't fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I'm carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God's goodness and awesomeness.
What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now the very reason that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me. And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and impossible and bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.
My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! (there will be another blog with more details about this at a later date.) Praise you, Jesus, for breaking my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a mother. Give me your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know you alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus' love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!
This week you're carrying about 10.5 inches and 10.5 ounces of solid baby-miracle-goodness! Their little delicates bones continue to ossify and toughen while their itsy bitsy finger and toe pads are finishing up. Your little monkey now has teeth buds, although they’re hidden beneath the gum line. And finally! Their limbs have reached their relative proportions—no more alien baby! Their cute pink lips are more defined, and might be helping out in a bit of prenatal thumb-sucking. If you have a little boy, then their tiny testes are descending, though they have not yet passed the abdominal wall. What’s more, eyelashes and eyebrows are also visible. At this point, your little one really looks like a miniature baby—and we do mean miniature as your little swimmer currently weighs a mere eighth of their final birth weight. With half the pregnancy behind you, the most significant gains are yet to come!
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