Thursday, June 17, 2010

Oh, the irony

I used to spend my Tuesday evenings at LifeCare Pregnancy Center in Raleigh. It was routine...all day, we would look forward to going to see all our friends at class. Then, we would get Papa John's for dinner (at this point, they were having a special deal each week.) Then, off to LifeCare we would go. We met our dear friend Angela there. Now, I see Angela somewhere else. I see her amongst a group of men and women who have lost their ParentCare, an infant loss support group. 

We went from a place that is all about life to a place that is all about death. And she did the opposite. Angela lost her daughter, Nala, in October 2008, due to an incompetent cervix. Then, on Easter Sunday this year, she gave birth to her healthy baby boy, Caiden. Her precious rainbow baby..born on Easter Sunday. What a special day to be born. And you know what...I couldn't be more happy for her. 

I've had a hard time with feeling bitter and jealous of women that have completely healthy babies, especially when I feel they take it for granted. But, I don't feel that way about Angela. I am so thankful she has her rainbow baby. I am so happy to hear of any woman have her rainbow baby. 

A couple of weeks ago, I held a baby for the first time since I held Lily. It was Caiden. It might have something to do with the fact that he's a boy, and also just how excited I am for Angela, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Angela knew what it would be like for me, having been through it herself, so it didn't feel awkward at all. She asked me if I wanted to hold him, not trying to force him in my arms. Mom did okay too...we were both nervous about how it would feel. She fed Caiden his bottle and held him for hours, thoroughly enjoying herself. I hope she gets to be a grandmother to a living child soon. She doesn't want anything else more.

It's a joke between Angela, my mom, and I that we are his "bonus grandma" and 'bonus auntie." We couldn't be more pleased to have those roles in his life. :)

The afternoon was spent catching up with Angela, talking openly about Lily and both of our experiences with losing our daughters, as well as what being pregnant was like after losing Nala. I held Caiden and admired his sweet little body. He fell right asleep in my arms, like he was totally comfortable with me...even though I felt quite tense at first. His little hand grasped firmly onto my finger. I thought of Lily and how she never got to do that. I pictured her tiny little fingers and toes. And the pain was mixed with joy. Pain because I never got to experience Lily like because of the hope I hold onto that one day I will have my own rainbow baby...that baby I will get to bring home and love on, snuggle with, and watch grow up. 

It felt so strange holding him, hearing him breathe, feeling his warmth, looking into his eyes, and feeling his little hand clutching tightly. It haunts me sometimes that I never knew Lily in that way. That's one of the hardest things for me...that I never saw her or held her with life within her. When I held her, she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom...and there she will wait.

holding a baby for the first time since Lily

the "bonus grandma"

Angela, Caiden and I

proud mommy with her precious rainbow baby



  1. Holding a baby for the first time since a loss is hard and I think yet another milestone we all have to face, whether it's someone else's or hopefully, one of our own. I remember when my niece was born, how foreign holding a living, breathing, moving baby felt compared to Alexandra. I hope you get to hold a rainbow real soon! Love those pictures! XO

  2. Caiden is just too handsome!

    You're's been almost 7 months and I've not done that yet...held a 10 month old, but not a little...think that will be very, very hard.
    Love you!

  3. What a precious boy!! It's never hard to be happy for a BLM who gets to have that joy of their rainbow.

  4. Sweet Hannah Rose,
    You just became a follower of my blog, Being Woven. I came to meet you and am ever so sorry for your precious loss. I am thankful that God gave you sweet moments with Caiden and He held you while you held Caiden. God is faithful to care for and love us. I pray that for whatever reason you chose to "follow" me that I would be a blessing to you in the ways God chooses for us to meet on these pages.
    Precious Lily is in the arms of our Jesus. Oh, I am so grateful for His lovingkindness towards us.
    May your day shift from feelings of neglect and abandon to feeling His arms wrapped around you and His tenderness covering you.
    Caring through our Christ, ~ linda


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