A huge piece of my heart is found here in this cemetery in Virginia. And it is here where my heart is always first drawn when I come back into town.
See where the grass is growing in a rectangle by the bench? That's where Bumma is.
It's odd coming here now without her. Most people don't have memories with their grandparents spending hours at the cemetery where they'd one day be laid to rest themselves. I should be seeing her white Buick slowly creeping in to meet me here. We'd visit our baby girls together. I'd sit on the grass in front of Lily's grave and Bumma would sit on the bench that bore her husband's name, her daughter's name, and her own name. She'd face me and listen as I'd pore out my heart to her. And in her ever wise and gentle way, she'd understand me and would speak Jesus into the tender and wounded places. She'd watch me as I'd pull the "weeds" around Lily's stone (even though she'd insist it was grass and think I was silly for wanting things so precisely a certain way). We'd talk about how weird it was to see her name and birthdate on the bench and not to see the other date that would one day need to be etched it. Now we know - April 14, 2017. We'd even take lots of photos through the years. Because I wanted to visit my baby and Bumma wanted to come with me, I have all these memories at the place where I now come to visit Bumma too. And it's weird and sad and special all at once.
I come here and I talk to Lily and Bumma. And I ask Jesus to tell them things for me. And I rejoice that they are not truly here. But their bodies are... and don't you dare tell me it's not painful to say goodbye to the human body because that is how we know our loved ones on Earth. That is how their souls are represented here. And we miss that representation of them. And we are thankful to have a place we can visit with their name, an honor and a testimony that they were here.
Bumma's mountains are here and they seem to be still smiling over her. I will make sure to keep pulling the "weeds" for them both and can just picture Bumma fussing about it even now. Heaven just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. 💚
November 2nd was a special, sacred day that I will remember forever. It was the day that my daughter Lily Katherine finally got her permanent memorial stone to honor and celebrate her life. After more than 3 1/2 years of waiting, it was such a relief to finally have it at her special spot.
That Saturday morning, we installed her stone. And that afternoon at 1:30, we had a stone placement ceremony with friends and family at the Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet, Virginia. As we all gathered together, I was reminded of the last time we were all together at the cemetery, coming up on four years ago... on March 27th, 2010 - the day of Lily's celebration of life service and burial. It brought back emotions and memories of that day of loss, love, and hope.
The day of Lily's stone placement ceremony was an absolutely gorgeous, perfect fall day. I live in North Carolina and only had one weekend for the installation and ceremony, so prayed hard for good weather. The Lord blessed us! It was one of those days where you just keep thinking to yourself how beautiful the weather is.
These photos were taken in Charlottesville, Virginia on the morning of Lily's stone placement ceremony... it was so beautiful with the fall leaves, blue skies, and mist.
I am glad my grandmother invited several people to come because I didn't... I wasn't sure if I wanted lots of people there and honestly didn't want to feel sad if I did invite people and they didn't come. It turns out, I was really glad for people to be there to honor Lily with me and I was pleasantly surprised by how many did come. I was so touched that family and friends joined me to honor and celebrate Lily and to see the stone that I put so much love into creating. My dad drove 8 hours total on that Saturday to make sure he was there for his granddaughter's stone placement... it brings tears to my eyes just to write that. It means more than words could ever say.
The people who were gathered around Lily's stone are (not in any particular order): my Aunt Sarah and Uncle Steve, friend Rachel, Pastor Bob and his wife Sharon, grandmother "Bumma," Uncle Bill and Aunt Nana, mom, dad, Uncle Lindy and Aunt Kristen, brothers Adam and Joseph, sister-in-law Kala, Uncle Tim, and friends Patricia and Joanne. Not pictured is my friend Elise who was taking the photo. I know more people wanted to come as well, but because of different reasons, were unable to make it.
I wish I had better quality pictures from the service, but wasn't thinking about it... I am thankful my sister-in-law Kala captured some shots with her iPhone.
Here are some photos of everyone waiting for the service to start.
The stone placement service was simple and sweet. I put a lot of thought into what I wanted to include in the service... unfortunately, some of the things I wanted to do didn't work out. For one, my grandmother has a friend who raises butterflies and I really wanted to release some butterflies at the service because butterflies are special and symbolic to me (Lily even has a butterfly on her stone). But, we were just a few weeks too late. The butterflies can only be released between certain warm months. I was really bummed out about this. However, everything still turned out really beautifully. And I am planning on releasing butterflies at another special time.
I requested that everyone gather around Lily's stone in a circle, which was so precious (I wish I had a photo of this)... Pastor Bob opened the service with a word of prayer and a message. I hadn't even invited my old pastor and his wife because as I said, I didn't really invite many people, but I am so glad my grandmother did invite them and that they were able to come! Having them there made it seem a little more "official." And it was so meaningful that Pastor Bob offered to say a few words in Lily's honor. Pastor Bob was my family pastor growing up, he baptized me the summer I was 14 (he also baptized my brothers), he officiated Lily's celebration of life service and burial, and he married my brother and sister-in-law a couple months ago. I also hope that he will one day marry me. He has been there for my family through all the highs and lows.
Here is a video that my sister-in-law Kala took of Pastor Bob sharing (I apologize for how windy it is):
After Pastor Bob shared, I shared about the meaning behind everything chosen for Lily's stone, what it means to me, and the journey of getting it (you can read what I shared HERE), I shared about the installation process and what a wonderful job my big brothers did (you can read about that HERE), and I explained the significance of sprinkling some of my sand from Carly Marie/Christian's Beach into the ground during installation (you can read about that HERE). I had Lily's name in the sand photo from Carly Marie to share with everyone.
I then played "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman... I turned it up as loudly as I could. This is one of my favorite songs and it has been so instrumental in my journey of grief and healing. My Aunt Helen gave it to me for Mother's Day 2010, just two months after Lily went Home to Jesus. I chose to include some of the lyrics from this song on Lily's headstone - Out of these ashes beauty will rise. That is my hope, that is the promise.
People were very moved by the song... during the song, my Uncle Lindy said he saw a cloud that looked like a lamb (Lily's stone has a lamb on it!). My Uncle Steve said he saw a baby with wings that turned into a heart in the clouds. How sweet!
After that, everyone visited for a while and we had red-velvet cupcakes in honor of Lily! Red-velvet is a tradition each year on her birthday because I had a Valentine's-themed baby shower with red-velvet cake. They were so delicious! My grandmother got the cupcakes for the service and we weren't sure how many we needed because we didn't know who all was going to come, so we guessed... it turned out that we had the exact number needed for everyone who wanted one. God worked that out... He cares about the smallest details in our lives. :)
Lily's stone with a red-velvet cupcake
I loved seeing everyone's reaction to Lily's stone and hearing their thoughts about it. It was so special for me to hear the precious things people were saying. Her special spot was decorated for fall and a few people brought her flowers (lilies and roses of course). The vibrant flowers looked gorgeous in Lily's vase and the mini pumpkins looked adorable.
The ceremony was so beautiful, simple, and sweet. I was blessed by those who came to remember and celebrate my beautiful girl with me. I love sharing her and it blesses my heart to know others love and miss her right along with me. Thank you to everyone who came to this special service... and to those who were unable to make it, thank you for thinking of my girl and I on this day. It was an emotional day and there was definitely some sadness, however I can honestly say the day was mainly full of happiness. I am just so happy that Lily finally has her stone. I am relieved and I am at peace. It is everything I ever wanted and more! This photo was taken at Lily's special spot that afternoon after everyone left and it started getting cloudy... I was there for hours.
This photo was taken the afternoon after Lily's stone placement ceremony on the street my grandmother lives on in Crozet, Virginia.
Lily is buried in another state from where I live. I know that I will always have ties to Crozet, Virginia and that is where my family is buried, so I knew I wanted her put to rest there. But, that makes it really hard on me since I can't go visit her special spot as often as I'd like. I can't take her flowers and make sure everything is well-maintained. One day I will be buried right next to my girl. No matter where I end up living on this earth, my final place of rest will be with my first born little love.
Going to the cemetery was once a place that brought such pain and heartache. It was so emotional just to make a visit there, especially since I couldn't go often. I am in a different place in my grief these days, so it truly feels like a place of beauty and peace. It feels like I'm near my girl when I am there. Yes, I realize that she is truly with Jesus, and that only her body is there. But, oh how I loved love that little body. Oh, how precious it will always be to me.
I realized recently that cemeteries used to seem so creepy to me. Most people are uncomfortable with driving by them, let alone visiting them. But, it is so peaceful for me now. I was visiting family and friends in Virginia this past week and made a trip to Lily's spot each day I was there. I took a couple of friends with me (Patricia and Rachel) that had never been before. I love having a place that's just for her.
Lily's special spot :) She has her angel statue from her Great-Aunt Nana, a windchime from her Great-Grandmother, the temporary marker from the funeral home (finally!), the marker that I brought for her (will post more about that later, but I got to place it this past week), and roses and lilies.
This is Lily's temporary marker from the funeral home. So glad it's finally in and that people can now find her spot when they go to visit her! My brother, grandmother, and I went with the lady from the funeral home and placed it on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, they weren't able to fit her whole name on there. Hoping and praying to have something permanent in sooner rather than later.
They recently planted some trees at the cemetery! Here is Lily's spot, as well as her Great-Grandparents and Great-Aunt Rachel's bench behind her spot. Look at those beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia in the background! I LOVE this view! I enjoy going out there to sit and think. The bench is really unique. It is a bench, so it's meant to be sat on. I go out and sit on the little bench right next to Lily's spot, and I think about Lily, Rachel, and my grandfather who are all at Home with Jesus. Sometimes my family and I will take a blanket to sit on to the cemetery and have ice cream in honor of my grandfather or something else special for Lily, like red-velvet cake. :)
Fresh lilies for my Lily. Brought them to her on the 16th of the month. It also just so happens to be my grandparents 57th anniversary, so that was special to visit Bumpa with Bumma. I also left fake roses there, so that when the lilies dry up, she will still have some pretty flowers until the next time I visit.
The ground that holds her body is Holy. It holds a piece of my heart. A piece of my future in Heaven...
On the first visit to the cemetery last week, the pain of missing Lily felt so raw. I was crouching down over her grave and the tears just started falling. I was thinking of my little flower, who was resting just feet underneath me. I said to my brother...it's so strange to think that I should have a daughter running around, but instead she is buried beneath the ground. How wrong that is. It is a fact I don't think I will ever get used to. How different trips to Virginia would be if she were here. How different everything would be if she were here.
If you too have lost a child, perhaps you understand the feeling of wanting to dig up that dirt, just to see and hold your baby once more. Of course I am not crazy enough to do that and realize she is very much gone, very much with her Lord...but my mind cannot tell my mother heart how to feel.
I love all the trees that surround the cemetery. There is a fence that is around all sides. On one side of the cemetery, hidden by trees, is the high-school I attended. I never could have dreamed back in those days that one day I would bury my own child just a few hundred feet from where I sat in class. And literally, just feet from the trails I ran by the school during cross-country training.
On a cool day, perhaps this fall, my grandmother and I are going to go visit the cemetery and walk around and look at all the headstones (it's a small place). I feel a special connection to the people layed to rest there because it is where my girl is. I especially want to visit the babies and bring them flowers.
If you are ever traveling through the central Virginia area, you should stop by Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet to visit my sweet girl! :)
I would love to see photos of and hear about your baby's special spots! Please share in a comment below or in an email.
Here is a video tour of Lily's special spot!
Lily girl, missing you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew this would be hard, but had no idea just how hard or just how long it would hurt so much.
Corrie Ten Boom is one of my spiritual heroes. I find that so many of her stories, I carry around with me and recall them throughout my days and in different circumstances of life. Here is a story from Corrie's message,Effectual Fervent Prayer. She talks about how nothing is too small for God's love:
I learned that in the difficult class of life’s school when I was a prisoner. When you are in a difficult class, then you learn much, especially when the teacher is good, and my teacher was the Holy Spirit. And He taught me so much. And one of the things was about there’s nothing too small for God’s love. I was a few days in the concentration camp, and I said to my sister, “Betsy, I’ve caught a cold and I have no handkerchief. What must I do?” Betsy said, “Pray.” I did the same like you. I laughed. But she didn’t laugh. She folded her hands and said, “Father, in Jesus name I pray that you will give Corrie a handkerchief. She has caught a cold. Amen.” And she had hardly said “Amen” when I heard that they called out my name and there stood a friend of mine, a fellow prisoner, who worked in the hospital. I said, “You’ve come, Tomika. You visit me.” And she said, “No, no, I have no time. I just come to bring you a little present.” And she gave me a very small package, and I opened it and it was a handkerchief. I said, “How in the world did you know that I needed a handkerchief?” She said, “I found an old sheet, and I was sewing handkerchiefs from that old sheet, and when I was busy there was a voice in my heart who said, ‘Bring a handkerchief to Corrie Ten Boom.’” Can you understand what a handkerchief tells you in such a moment? That there is a Father in Heaven who hears it when on a very small planet, the earth, some one of His children prays for impossible small things, for a hankie, and that Father in Heaven tells one of His other children, “Give a handkerchief to Corrie Ten Boom.” That is the foolishness of God. But the foolishness of God is the greatest wisdom. And I learned so much by that handkerchief.
Just imagine when your little child or grandchild cries because an old doll is broken. And she brings that doll to her daddy. She says, “Oh Daddy, my doll is broken.” What does Daddy say? “Oh girl, put it away. That doll is not worth a dime.” No, Daddy doesn’t say that. He says, “That’s too bad. Come here, come to Daddy. I will try to mend it.” And that grown up man tries to repair that old doll. How in the world, can a grown up man give so much time to such a valueless thing as a broken doll? Because he sees it through the eyes of the little one. Because he loves the little one. And so God sees your problems through your eyes because He loves you. ~Corrie Ten Boom
"There’s nothing too great for God’s power. There’s nothing too small for His love." ~Corrie Ten Boom
Oh Jesus, may we trust that You care about the smallest details of our lives! May we learn so much by that handkerchief. And may You show us in our own lives Your great love.
Here is a small reminder in my life that nothing is too small for my God's love:
Lily is layed to rest in my hometown of Crozet, Virginia. I live in North Carolina though, so I don't get to go up there often. I don't get to take flowers and things to her grave much, so it means a lot to me when others think to do so. I haven't been able to afford a headstone for Lily, which really bothers me. So, even when people go to visit Lily's spot, they can't find her. The only thing there was a windchime. My dear friend, Elise, took her a birthday balloon and flowers on her special day. It is really important to me to get Lily a permanent headstone. Maybe this doesn't mean much to others, but it does to me. You see, Lily is my only child. She is the only one I can do anything for on earth. I don't have other children to care for. And it feels like it will be honoring her when I can get her a headstone. Permanent engraved words that say, she was real. She was here. She had weight in this world. So, people can go visit her and easily find where she is because her name is clearly marked, for all to see. I really have no idea when I will be able to get a headstone for Lily.
The reason I am sharing all this is because Jesus cares about the smallest matters in our lives. He knows how important it is for me to have something there, as a special marking for Lily. Around Lily's birthday, my Aunt Nana took a beautiful angel statue to Lily's grave. I haven't been able to see it in person yet, but I can't wait to! It feels like something special, just for her. Now, I can tell people to look for the beautiful angel statue. This means so much to me to have something there until I can get a permanent marker. Isn't it amazing that my Jesus would lay that on her heart, when she had no idea how much that would mean to me. I want to plant some flowers around her spot once the headstone is in. I know that my Jesus cares about a headstone for Lily because I do. I am His daughter, and just as a father mends the broken doll of his daughter, how much more does our Heavenly Father care for us!
Not very good picture quality, but here is the statue.
I see that my God cares about the small things in our lives, in my life. And I know that one day, I will have a headstone for Lily. I am praying that He will provide that for me, just as He provided a handkerchief for Corrie.
The entrance to the cemetery where Lily is buried. It's called Hillsboro Cemetery, so if you live
anywhere near Crozet, Virginia or are passing through that area, I'd love it if you stopped by! Look for the angel statue! And pretty soon, there will be a permanent headstone there too :-)
