Lily's special spot is all ready for the month of February! What do ya think, is the rose big enough? ;)
Showing posts with label Lily's Headstone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lily's Headstone. Show all posts
Friday, February 2, 2018
My Forever Valentine ❤️
My forever Valentine ❤️ 💕 🌹 💕 ❤️
Lily's special spot is all ready for the month of February! What do ya think, is the rose big enough? ;)
Lily's special spot is all ready for the month of February! What do ya think, is the rose big enough? ;)
Monday, December 18, 2017
Fixed
I decorated my daughter's grave for Christmas recently. This has been my tradition for many Christmas seasons now. This is all I can tangibly do for my child for this special occasion... for any occasion.
As I was driving to the cemetery that evening, I passed the high-school that I attended. My cousin Thomas who is on the cross-country team was running with a teammate when he spotted me and excitedly waved. As I tidy things up, the sun was setting and I heard the cars zipping by.
It feels like the whole world is zipping by. The busy world is in a blur all around, but inside the gate surrounding the cemetery, all is fixed and silent.
I can hardly find words to describe what I'm feeling. It's like I drove in and everything slowed down around me. The whole world goes on and my world stops when I'm there. I've changed, grown, and aged in these years that I've been tending to the grave of a child who never will.
In a world where nothing seems fixed and things can seem chaotic and unpredictable, I know what to expect at the cemetery. Her stone is fixed. The things I'll need to do to tend to her spot are fixed. Her status as dead is fixed. Her being my forever baby and never my 7-year-old anticipating Christmas is fixed. Our relationship separated by realms is fixed.
But even in all the fixed permanent heartbreaking things that child loss entails, my Home in Heaven is fixed. Lily's place next to Jesus is fixed. Immovable. Unshakeable. The blur of this changing world will one day be steadied and fixed in Eternity, where I will no longer decorate my daughter's grave for Christmas. ❤️🎄💚
Here are the decorations I took to Lily's spot this year... an "L" stocking, a sleigh, a Christmas tree, a snowman ornament, ice skates, and a Christmas flag. :)
As I was driving to the cemetery that evening, I passed the high-school that I attended. My cousin Thomas who is on the cross-country team was running with a teammate when he spotted me and excitedly waved. As I tidy things up, the sun was setting and I heard the cars zipping by.
It feels like the whole world is zipping by. The busy world is in a blur all around, but inside the gate surrounding the cemetery, all is fixed and silent.
I can hardly find words to describe what I'm feeling. It's like I drove in and everything slowed down around me. The whole world goes on and my world stops when I'm there. I've changed, grown, and aged in these years that I've been tending to the grave of a child who never will.
In a world where nothing seems fixed and things can seem chaotic and unpredictable, I know what to expect at the cemetery. Her stone is fixed. The things I'll need to do to tend to her spot are fixed. Her status as dead is fixed. Her being my forever baby and never my 7-year-old anticipating Christmas is fixed. Our relationship separated by realms is fixed.
But even in all the fixed permanent heartbreaking things that child loss entails, my Home in Heaven is fixed. Lily's place next to Jesus is fixed. Immovable. Unshakeable. The blur of this changing world will one day be steadied and fixed in Eternity, where I will no longer decorate my daughter's grave for Christmas. ❤️🎄💚
Here are the decorations I took to Lily's spot this year... an "L" stocking, a sleigh, a Christmas tree, a snowman ornament, ice skates, and a Christmas flag. :)
About a week later, I took a couple more decorations there... the flowers and little tree for her vase.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2017 💗 💙
This year for the first time since Lily's birth, I was able to be at her spot in Crozet, Virginia on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th for the international Wave of Light. There were a lot of things happening in Virginia over that weekend and I was glad I could be there (will share more later). It turned out to be quite the special and peaceful evening spent with my mom, Aunt Sarah, Uncle Steve, and Aunt Helen. It was actually Helen's birthday, so it meant a lot that she drove almost the hour trip to spend the evening with us.
I had this picture in my head of how I wanted it to look... I wanted multiple candles lining both stones, lighting up the darkness. Lily is buried by family... her great-great-grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-aunt. Bumma and her baby Rachel who she lost are there beside her, so I wanted to be at the place where I could be near them all. My mom found a bag of many small colorful candles at Bumma's house as she was working on cleaning there earlier in the week. So Bumma provided the lights this year! :) I got there before dark and lit the candles and it looked gorgeous with the mountains in the background.
My mom took this short video of me lighting one of the candles.
The cemetery was actually made cozy by the candles... never thought I'd say that. My mom usually doesn't like going to the cemetery like I do. Some people find it comforting and others don't and that's okay. She said on that evening that it was the first time there that she got a good feeling, and it was because of the warm glow of the candles. My aunt and uncle said it looked pretty as they were driving up.
It was a cool evening and thankfully there wasn't any rain. The evening was simple in that I didn't really have much planned besides the actual candle lighting. I ended up playing a song called "Lily" by Marianne Alme. It's gorgeous and reminds me of my little flower.
I then read aloud a little something I wrote about why I light my candle for the Wave of Light:
October 15th ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The International Wave of Light.
I light my candle because I treasure the sanctity of each irreplaceable, beautiful life made in the image of God.
I light my candle to say that these lives have dignity and value and they deserve to be acknowledged and remembered.
I light my candle for the little ones I've grown to love over the last 7 1/2 years in knowing their parents... way too many to even begin to name here.
I light my candle for Lily Katherine and Rachel Ross, my daughter and aunt who came into our family and were physically here for a brief time, yet they forever altered the fabric of our lives.
Most of all, I light my candle as a symbol of hope that the Light of Christ shines into the deepest darkness of grief and death and one day He will set all things right.
I had this picture in my head of how I wanted it to look... I wanted multiple candles lining both stones, lighting up the darkness. Lily is buried by family... her great-great-grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-aunt. Bumma and her baby Rachel who she lost are there beside her, so I wanted to be at the place where I could be near them all. My mom found a bag of many small colorful candles at Bumma's house as she was working on cleaning there earlier in the week. So Bumma provided the lights this year! :) I got there before dark and lit the candles and it looked gorgeous with the mountains in the background.
My mom took this short video of me lighting one of the candles.
Each Fall, I like to take mini pumpkins to Lily's spot but couldn't find them anywhere... but then right before driving over to the cemetery, I made another stop to check if this particular store had them and they did!! I was able to decorate Lily's spot just the way I wanted. The bouquet of flowers were gorgeous from the Pregnancy Center Banquet (I'll share about that soon). I brought a couple things for the evening, including Lily's foot and handprint.
The cemetery was actually made cozy by the candles... never thought I'd say that. My mom usually doesn't like going to the cemetery like I do. Some people find it comforting and others don't and that's okay. She said on that evening that it was the first time there that she got a good feeling, and it was because of the warm glow of the candles. My aunt and uncle said it looked pretty as they were driving up.
It was a cool evening and thankfully there wasn't any rain. The evening was simple in that I didn't really have much planned besides the actual candle lighting. I ended up playing a song called "Lily" by Marianne Alme. It's gorgeous and reminds me of my little flower.
October 15th ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The International Wave of Light.
I light my candle because I treasure the sanctity of each irreplaceable, beautiful life made in the image of God.
I light my candle to say that these lives have dignity and value and they deserve to be acknowledged and remembered.
I light my candle for the little ones I've grown to love over the last 7 1/2 years in knowing their parents... way too many to even begin to name here.
I light my candle for Lily Katherine and Rachel Ross, my daughter and aunt who came into our family and were physically here for a brief time, yet they forever altered the fabric of our lives.
Most of all, I light my candle as a symbol of hope that the Light of Christ shines into the deepest darkness of grief and death and one day He will set all things right.
We stayed for the hour for the Wave of Light in our timezone. I layed on my back in the grass and gazed up at the October night sky, with sparkly stars shining brightly and beautifully.
As we were sitting there chatting, a dog appeared out of nowhere. Then a lady came running up chasing after him (there is a gas station next door to the cemetery). I had her adorable little dog in my arms to give back to her. I thought that she must be thinking we were a bunch of weirdos out there at night in a cemetery with candles lit, so I explained what the day was and what we were doing haha.
After we left the cemetery, we went to Dairy Queen for a treat. I had a pumpkin pie blizzard. :)
As we were sitting there chatting, a dog appeared out of nowhere. Then a lady came running up chasing after him (there is a gas station next door to the cemetery). I had her adorable little dog in my arms to give back to her. I thought that she must be thinking we were a bunch of weirdos out there at night in a cemetery with candles lit, so I explained what the day was and what we were doing haha.
After we left the cemetery, we went to Dairy Queen for a treat. I had a pumpkin pie blizzard. :)
The entire day was special. I went to church with my friend Jer (his dad is a pastor). Then I had lunch with their family. Then we were at Bumma's in the afternoon. The day felt peaceful and I know I will look back on memories of the day with fondness.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Visiting Their Spot
A huge piece of my heart is found here in this cemetery in Virginia. And it is here where my heart is always first drawn when I come back into town.
See where the grass is growing in a rectangle by the bench? That's where Bumma is.
It's odd coming here now without her. Most people don't have memories with their grandparents spending hours at the cemetery where they'd one day be laid to rest themselves. I should be seeing her white Buick slowly creeping in to meet me here. We'd visit our baby girls together. I'd sit on the grass in front of Lily's grave and Bumma would sit on the bench that bore her husband's name, her daughter's name, and her own name. She'd face me and listen as I'd pore out my heart to her. And in her ever wise and gentle way, she'd understand me and would speak Jesus into the tender and wounded places. She'd watch me as I'd pull the "weeds" around Lily's stone (even though she'd insist it was grass and think I was silly for wanting things so precisely a certain way). We'd talk about how weird it was to see her name and birthdate on the bench and not to see the other date that would one day need to be etched it. Now we know - April 14, 2017. We'd even take lots of photos through the years. Because I wanted to visit my baby and Bumma wanted to come with me, I have all these memories at the place where I now come to visit Bumma too. And it's weird and sad and special all at once.
I come here and I talk to Lily and Bumma. And I ask Jesus to tell them things for me. And I rejoice that they are not truly here. But their bodies are... and don't you dare tell me it's not painful to say goodbye to the human body because that is how we know our loved ones on Earth. That is how their souls are represented here. And we miss that representation of them. And we are thankful to have a place we can visit with their name, an honor and a testimony that they were here.
Bumma's mountains are here and they seem to be still smiling over her. I will make sure to keep pulling the "weeds" for them both and can just picture Bumma fussing about it even now. Heaven just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. 💚
See where the grass is growing in a rectangle by the bench? That's where Bumma is.
It's odd coming here now without her. Most people don't have memories with their grandparents spending hours at the cemetery where they'd one day be laid to rest themselves. I should be seeing her white Buick slowly creeping in to meet me here. We'd visit our baby girls together. I'd sit on the grass in front of Lily's grave and Bumma would sit on the bench that bore her husband's name, her daughter's name, and her own name. She'd face me and listen as I'd pore out my heart to her. And in her ever wise and gentle way, she'd understand me and would speak Jesus into the tender and wounded places. She'd watch me as I'd pull the "weeds" around Lily's stone (even though she'd insist it was grass and think I was silly for wanting things so precisely a certain way). We'd talk about how weird it was to see her name and birthdate on the bench and not to see the other date that would one day need to be etched it. Now we know - April 14, 2017. We'd even take lots of photos through the years. Because I wanted to visit my baby and Bumma wanted to come with me, I have all these memories at the place where I now come to visit Bumma too. And it's weird and sad and special all at once.
I come here and I talk to Lily and Bumma. And I ask Jesus to tell them things for me. And I rejoice that they are not truly here. But their bodies are... and don't you dare tell me it's not painful to say goodbye to the human body because that is how we know our loved ones on Earth. That is how their souls are represented here. And we miss that representation of them. And we are thankful to have a place we can visit with their name, an honor and a testimony that they were here.
Bumma's mountains are here and they seem to be still smiling over her. I will make sure to keep pulling the "weeds" for them both and can just picture Bumma fussing about it even now. Heaven just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. 💚
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Lily's Summer Spot
I was recently able to decorate my sweet girl's special spot for Summer. I tidied up her stone and the weeds around it (Bumma used to get exasperated and say it was "grass" not "weeds" as I'd get upset that it grew so fast and much.. too funny!). The white lilies and little angel statue that my friend Kristen left for Lily are still in good shape from her birthday. I got the new monogrammed "L" flag from Kirkland's! It's one of my favorite flags I've found. I love the Laurel on it, and especially the little bow. 🌿 💕
Monday, February 13, 2017
Valentine's Day Decor ❤️
I was able to decorate my girl's spot for Valentine's Day over the weekend. She's my forever Valentine. 🌹💕💕❤️💕💕🌹
A balloon and a giant rose!
A Valentine's teddy bear
A Valentine's flag from Etsy
A Valentine's sunset! The Lord painted this for us in the sky on the evening we were there to decorate and visit Lily's spot. So special. :)
Sunday, January 29, 2017
A Lamb for Lily
I enjoy seeing natureplaynanny's amazing photos on Instagram. She shares the art she creates with such thoughtfulness and creativity out of nature.
She made this one in honor of my sweet Lily Katherine. Isn't it beautiful? 😌 My girl has a lamb on her headstone and both her first and middle names mean "pure and innocent" (like the lamb symbolizes) so this is extra special to me. 🌿 ❤️ 🌿
She made this one in honor of my sweet Lily Katherine. Isn't it beautiful? 😌 My girl has a lamb on her headstone and both her first and middle names mean "pure and innocent" (like the lamb symbolizes) so this is extra special to me. 🌿 ❤️ 🌿
Here is Lily's custom-made stone with her little lamb sitting on top. :)
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Single Mother
Each time I'm able to visit my sweet girl's spot myself, where I can decorate just so, pray, cry, or just sit, it's something I am incredibly grateful for. She is buried 4 hours from where I live, so I can't go as often as I'd like.
When I was there over Christmas and had a few moments by myself at her grave, a surge of sadness filled my heart as I felt so alone in missing her.
I thought about how Lily's daddy doesn't decorate her spot, and maybe doesn't even visit at all anymore. He used to leave her lilies for her birthday each year, but I didn't see any last year. My family doesn't show much interest in going to her spot, definitely not like I do.
With these thoughts, this sad sentence resounded in my head: "If I didn't care about decorating her spot and keeping it looking nice, nobody else would."
I know that I have family and a friend who thoughtfully and generously decorate for me when I mail them things, and even take photos for me to see when I can't always make it up there myself for the change of seasons or holidays.
But literally if I didn't or could't tend to her spot, or if I didn't take care of the details so others could on my behalf, it would go unnoticed and unattended.
I'm her mommy, so of course I care more than anybody. But what if I am gone from this world? Would she ever have flowers at her spot? Would anybody pull the weeds and clean her stone to make it shiny?
Mostly it hurts that I feel alone. And like her daddy doesn't care anymore. It seriously feels like I am a single mother. Only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.
When I was there over Christmas and had a few moments by myself at her grave, a surge of sadness filled my heart as I felt so alone in missing her.
I thought about how Lily's daddy doesn't decorate her spot, and maybe doesn't even visit at all anymore. He used to leave her lilies for her birthday each year, but I didn't see any last year. My family doesn't show much interest in going to her spot, definitely not like I do.
With these thoughts, this sad sentence resounded in my head: "If I didn't care about decorating her spot and keeping it looking nice, nobody else would."
I know that I have family and a friend who thoughtfully and generously decorate for me when I mail them things, and even take photos for me to see when I can't always make it up there myself for the change of seasons or holidays.
But literally if I didn't or could't tend to her spot, or if I didn't take care of the details so others could on my behalf, it would go unnoticed and unattended.
I'm her mommy, so of course I care more than anybody. But what if I am gone from this world? Would she ever have flowers at her spot? Would anybody pull the weeds and clean her stone to make it shiny?
Mostly it hurts that I feel alone. And like her daddy doesn't care anymore. It seriously feels like I am a single mother. Only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Lily's Christmas Spot 2016
My girl's spot is always my first stop when I come to Virginia. She's all ready for Christmas now. Instead of spending Christmas with her and picking out gifts for her, I've been selecting items to decorate her grave from different stores over the past several weeks. I enjoy being able to do something tangible for her. I've anticipated visiting her spot this season. She's got her little Christmas tree, a stocking with an "L," her own little snowman ornament, flowers, another snowman, a solar Christmas tree that lights up at night, and a Nativity flag that my dear friend Christine gave me for Lily's spot. I hope to stop by for a visit on Christmas Day. ❤️🎄💚⛄️🌟
Sunday, November 27, 2016
That Positive Sign Too Soon Turned to Flowers for a Stone
This is something I shared on my blog 2 years ago this month that touched my heart re-reading it, so I want to share it again:
When I was in Charlottesville a couple weeks ago on our girl's trip, my sister, friends, and I went to Kroger to get a few snacks.
This is the same Kroger I went to in the summer of 2009 to get the pregnancy tests that confirmed Lily was on her way. There's currently a lot of construction and changes going on, so it looks very different than how I remember it. I don't think I've even been there since that summer.
I picked out a lovely fresh bouquet of flowers to take to Lily's spot and just felt very sad at how everything turned out, how much I never could have dreamed things would go in the past 5+ years.
From the beginning of Lily's life, getting those pregnancy tests, and all the crazy emotions that came with that.... to the end of Lily's life, getting flowers for her headstone, and all the crazy emotions that come with that.
It reminded me of a post I wrote last November called "From pregnancy test to headstone."
It also made me think of a poem I wrote this June where the last part says, "That positive sign too soon turned to words etched in stone. It all started with those two lines in June."
Oh, the irony of getting one thing that marked the beginning of her life at the same store that I am now getting another thing that marks the end. That positive sign too soon turned to flowers for a stone.
But you know what the beautiful part in it all is?
The beautiful part is how God changed my heart in the time between that pregnancy test and those flowers... how at first I saw my unborn child as a burden. And how now I see her as a blessing and love her more than anyone in this world. And how I got her a beautiful stone and take her fresh flowers because I love her so much.
The sadness I feel in missing her is even a tribute to how God changes our hearts at the core, and a testimony to the sanctity of each irreplaceable, precious life. 💕💐🎃
When I was in Charlottesville a couple weeks ago on our girl's trip, my sister, friends, and I went to Kroger to get a few snacks.
This is the same Kroger I went to in the summer of 2009 to get the pregnancy tests that confirmed Lily was on her way. There's currently a lot of construction and changes going on, so it looks very different than how I remember it. I don't think I've even been there since that summer.
I picked out a lovely fresh bouquet of flowers to take to Lily's spot and just felt very sad at how everything turned out, how much I never could have dreamed things would go in the past 5+ years.
From the beginning of Lily's life, getting those pregnancy tests, and all the crazy emotions that came with that.... to the end of Lily's life, getting flowers for her headstone, and all the crazy emotions that come with that.
It also made me think of a poem I wrote this June where the last part says, "That positive sign too soon turned to words etched in stone. It all started with those two lines in June."
Oh, the irony of getting one thing that marked the beginning of her life at the same store that I am now getting another thing that marks the end. That positive sign too soon turned to flowers for a stone.
But you know what the beautiful part in it all is?
The beautiful part is how God changed my heart in the time between that pregnancy test and those flowers... how at first I saw my unborn child as a burden. And how now I see her as a blessing and love her more than anyone in this world. And how I got her a beautiful stone and take her fresh flowers because I love her so much.
The sadness I feel in missing her is even a tribute to how God changes our hearts at the core, and a testimony to the sanctity of each irreplaceable, precious life. 💕💐🎃
Monday, November 7, 2016
Lily's Spot Ready for Autumn
Lily's spot is ready for Autumn now, thanks to my Bumma for getting over there and decorating and capturing these beautiful photos for me. The lighting is spectacular! ❤️🍁🍂🎃💐
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Lily's Stone Placement Day
It was 3 years ago on November 2nd that Lily's stone was finally placed and family and friends gathered for a special service in her honor. I can hardly believe it's been that long. It has brought much peace to have her permanent stone to visit, share with friends and family, and decorate for different holidays and seasons. Such a huge blessing and comfort for my mother heart.
Here are some relevant posts that I want to share (it's so sweet to look back on these memories, details I would have forgotten had I not written them down then):
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