His Absence Is a Reminder of Hers

The time of year leading up to Lily's birthday always makes me think of her daddy.

I wonder if he thinks of her still the way I do. If he still cares. If he still visits her spot and talks about her on her birthday. If he marvels over her hand and footprints (big like his are) and her locket of hair. I wonder if he achingly notices the missing piece in his family the way I do in my family. If he thinks of the cousin/granddaughter/niece/daughter who isn't there.

I wonder if all that's happened has been heavy for him to carry like it's been for me all these years, or if the weight of her in my womb has now made the weight I carry in my heart more than what he carries.

I've said it feels like I'm a single mother, only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.

It feels unfair that I feel more damaged than him. That because I was the one who carried Lily and birthed her, because I had the bond that only a mother can have, that I now experience the anguish of her loss more fully.

At the same time, I feel guilty that I got to bond with her in a way he didn't... like he missed out and it feels like it was partly my fault.

So many complex emotions surround that man. So much that hasn't been resolved. But there is nothing I can do about it.

People don't often talk about what the loss of a child does to the parents as a unit. People don't talk about the bond when you have a child with someone and the pain that comes when that bond is severed. People don't talk about the repercussions of when you don't follow God's plan for life and relationships.

His absence is a reminder of hers, so I feel it deeply this time of year. If she were here, he'd be in my life. He's not here and I haven't spoken to him in years. There's no need. She's gone. And so is our love.

About a year before Lily was born

A brief family of 3

March 16, 2010

Lily's hands with her daddy's

This random little drawing is something Lily Kat's daddy sketched when I was carrying her. It's now in her scrapbook. A picture of what might have been. The "what ifs" are hard to live with and something I must surrender to the Lord every day.

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago... God has truly done a huge work in my heart since then, but certain times of year trigger the feelings...

The pain of so many losses;

A future, hopes, dreams, love, purity, innocence, a sweet little flower

Nothing on Earth can mend the wounds

It will be only by HIS power

The anguish of goodbyes

The agony of regret

What I'd give to go back

What I'd do to forget

In so many faces, I see his

He visits me in my dreams

I keep it all bottled up

But inside there are silent sobs and screams

They say "time heals all wounds,"

Five years since the drift

And I'm still waiting

For the crushing weight to lift

When her perfect heart stopped beating

The pulse of our love ceased too

I didn't just lose our little flower

I lost the both of you

How do I let go?

How do I move on?

I cling to HIM in my frailty

And wait for HIS redemption song...

*You can read all the posts I've written about Lily's daddy by clicking here.

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International Bereaved Father's Day

Carly Marie recently released a video in recognition of International Bereaved Father's Day, which was Sunday. It touched my heart, so I wanted to share it here. I wish Lily's daddy would have wanted to be a part of it.

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Girl Cousins the Same Age, How Fun It'd Be

September 6th is ironically both Stillbirth Remembrance Day and Lily's cousin's birthday. She was born on Labor Day in 2010, meaning she is just a half a year younger than Lily, turning 7 today.

Her birthday reminds me of my little girl, who should be the same age. How would Lily look now? Who would she be? Would these two girls be the best of friends? How much fun would it be to have a girl cousin so close in age? I hope she will grow up knowing about Lily.

It's strange the days that can hurt like they do... today is one of those days for me. ❤️

Here is something I wrote on a blog post before:

Lily has three cousins that were born within just a few months of her. My cousin Daniel's son, Owen, was born three months before Lily. She also has two other cousins who I don't write about, a little boy who was born five months before Lily and a little girl who was born half a year after. They are Lily's father's niece and nephew. I never see or talk to them, so I don't know anything about their lives. But I have seen photos. I still know that they are out there and that they are Lily's cousins. There is a little girl who is now taking the place of Lily as the oldest granddaughter and niece growing up in that family. A little girl who will miss out on having a girl cousin close in age to share life with. It absolutely breaks my heart to think of this little girl, who Lily will never know and I will never know because Lily isn't here.
It breaks my heart even more wondering if the other half of Lily's family cares for or thinks about her at all. Is she out of sight, out of mind, almost as if she never existed? I can't stand the thought of them not ever mentioning her, not remembering her on her birthday each year, not visiting her grave every now and then, and not missing and loving her. Will they think of Lily as her girl cousin grows up through the years and wonder how Lily would have looked and who she would've become? Will they count her as part of the family? I hope they will remember her and learn to love her in the only ways they can.

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Father's Day

Father's Day makes me think about all that Lily's father is missing out on with her. Talk of a local father-daughter dance has been swirling around and how it aches each time I hear of it.

Lily's daddy's love for his daughter, as well as his anguish over losing her, are both clearly written on his face in this picture. 💔

Lily's hands with her daddy's... she had his hands and feet.

They will always be a part of each other.

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I Left Three Behind at the Grave

On this date in 2010, I left my little girl's tiny and perfect-but-without-breath 7 pound 9 ounce 21 inch body behind in a grave in a cemetery in Virginia.

I was thinking today that what made that day even more heart-wrenching was that I left not just one behind at that grave, but three...

I walked away from who I was before Lily. I walked away from who I might have been. So many facets of my being were utterly uprooted and transformed as a result of her death (and life).

And I walked away from her daddy, from him ever being in my life again. As I shared in a poem I wrote a few years ago:
"When her perfect heart stopped beating
The pulse of our love ceased too
I didn't just lose our little flower
I lost the both of you"

There were many endings on March 27th, 2010.

But what I have found in the years since that I couldn't see then is that on that same day, there were also many beginnings...

The beginning of Lily's legacy.

The beginning of an earthly ministry, born out of loss, and of course lots of love, for the glory of my King.

The beginning of the Lord weaving healing, restoration, and redemption so beautifully and unexpectedly, in such a way that would make me love Him more through the anguish of goodbyes and agony of regret.

On that early Spring day, I didn't see how Spring would one day inhabit my soul again. Like the sun causes flowers to bloom in Spring, the Son shined on this Rose's heart and caused it to bloom once more. In the midst of so many losses, He Himself was and is my gain.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." -Isaiah 43:19 💕🌸 🌹

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Her Adoring Parents

This is a Lily photo I've never shared before.

Cradled in her daddy's arm, with my hand gently touching her. Perfectly sweet profile.

Cherished daughter. ❤️

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Single Mother

Each time I'm able to visit my sweet girl's spot myself, where I can decorate just so, pray, cry, or just sit, it's something I am incredibly grateful for. She is buried 4 hours from where I live, so I can't go as often as I'd like.

When I was there over Christmas and had a few moments by myself at her grave, a surge of sadness filled my heart as I felt so alone in missing her.

I thought about how Lily's daddy doesn't decorate her spot, and maybe doesn't even visit at all anymore. He used to leave her lilies for her birthday each year, but I didn't see any last year. My family doesn't show much interest in going to her spot, definitely not like I do.

With these thoughts, this sad sentence resounded in my head: "If I didn't care about decorating her spot and keeping it looking nice, nobody else would."

I know that I have family and a friend who thoughtfully and generously decorate for me when I mail them things, and even take photos for me to see when I can't always make it up there myself for the change of seasons or holidays.

But literally if I didn't or could't tend to her spot, or if I didn't take care of the details so others could on my behalf, it would go unnoticed and unattended.

I'm her mommy, so of course I care more than anybody. But what if I am gone from this world? Would she ever have flowers at her spot? Would anybody pull the weeds and clean her stone to make it shiny?

Mostly it hurts that I feel alone. And like her daddy doesn't care anymore. It seriously feels like I am a single mother. Only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.

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Finding Closure

There are some things in life we may never get closure and resolution in.

For me, one of those things I have had to accept that fact is with Lily's father's family. There was a lot of animosity and pain there between our two families. A lot of it was brought about because of the complicated mess our relationship was, our own immaturity, the fact that God wasn't honored in our relationship and so when I turned back to Him during my pregnancy it was confusing and heartrending. I take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction and pain.

I wish I could change so many things about that time and that relationship. I wish I could take back words I said, change my actions, change my responses, change so many things I know I did or didn't do that caused hurt. I ache over how everything turned out. If I think about it too much, I can be eaten up by the guilt, regret, and sadness I feel. When you don't follow God's pattern, it is a mess. Trust me.

I had prayed for an opportunity to somehow make amends, maybe even just a little. Last year around Lily's 5th birthday, I contacted Lily's grandmother (her father's mother), and tried to do just that. I didn't want to stir up any painful memories for her father, or disturb him in his new life in any way, but I wanted to say "I'm sorry" in the only way I know how. I told her I wanted to send her and her husband, as well as Lily's father, some keepsake items... Lily's heartbeat recording, ultrasound DVD, photos, obituary, etc.

Well, I was able to see she read my message the very day I sent it. And she didn't respond. Still hasn't to this day. It honestly breaks my heart to think about. It feels like a rejection of me, yes, but even more than that... what hurts more than that... is that it feels like a rejection of Lily. Like why would they not want these items of her life? To remember their first-born granddaughter and daughter? Why couldn't she respond? It makes me feel like they no longer care about Lily or "count" her at all. I know Lily isn't even here to know or understand this rejection, and perhaps they do still care for her in their own way, but I can't stand the thought of half of her family not fiercely loving her and wanting to remember her always, as I do.

I have come to realize that in life, we may not always get the closure we so desperately desire, whether that be in a relationship or in a circumstance. But I have learned that we don't have to have closure or resolution in the way we imagine or hope for in order to find it. By the grace of God, we can find closure in Him, even when we don't have tangible closure... even when those conversations are not had, those tears are not shed face-to-face, and words of regret and remorse are never exchanged. I dearly wish I could have more direct closure with Lily's father and his family. But, I know that even if I never get that, the Lord can bring closure in my heart. I can work it out with Him. I can wrestle through the pain and regret and lay it at His feet. He knows and sees my heart and every experience, thought, question, etc. And He can carry those things for me.

Even if we don't have desired closure, it doesn't mean that one day we won't get it. The timing may not be right. God might still have to do some working in people's hearts to prepare them for that. It's in His hands. I reached out and did all I know to do. Now, it is up to Him to open up doors one day for further resolution. I won't pry open a door He has clearly not opened at this time. And I won't allow my ability to move forward to be based upon others.

I've also learned that we should do everything we can to seek forgiveness and to offer forgiveness. Things may not go the way we want, but the circumstances of how things play out are in God's hands. Our hearts must be pure before Him and we must be willing to do whatever it is He asks of us and be willing to let go of that which He asks us to.

Closure is found in surrender.

Lily's hands with her daddy's hand

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All About Her Name

I thought it would be fun to write a post sharing all about Lily Katherine's name: what it means, what it has come to mean, nicknames, and names we considered. This is just another way for others to get to know her and about her life. :) I hope I don't forget anything.

I framed Lily's painted name from The Painted Name Project

The meaning and significance of Lily's name

When I was 19/20, I had an unplanned pregnancy. In the first several weeks, the Lord connected my heart to my baby and revealed to me she was a little girl named Lily. It was as if He whispered to my heart her name and gender, as there was never any question in my mind what they were.

Lily means "pure and innocent." She was a symbol of my renewed purity and redemption in Christ. Her new life growing in my womb was a symbol and reflection of the new life God was cultivating within me. Her life was the instrument used to bring me new life.

As my friend Anna wrote, "Little Lily was a miracle, and even her name was a testimony to your growing in His light like a flower blooming in her season."

On September 5th, 2009 (when I was still in my first trimester), I wrote the following in an email to my friend, Bex (one of the first people to know about Lily):

"For some reason, I feel like the baby growing in me is a girl! And I've been calling her Lily... from the verse in Song of Solomon, "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." Out of my sin and darkness, I know the Lord will do something very special with this little one."

Her name was imprinted on my heart. Later that month, at my first ultrasound appointment at a local Pregnancy Center, there was a painting of a lily hanging on the wall across from me. Seeing the lily painting was like a sweet gift from the Lord, who knew Lily's gender, name, and purpose already. My heart was bonding with my little girl's heart. This further confirmed for me that God saw and ordained her life.

When I was selecting her middle name, I had no idea at the time that Katherine also means "pure and innocent." I knew that God was with me and had a beautiful purpose for the sweet baby girl He was knitting together in my womb, with her own unique name that He chose to reveal to me.

Two days past my due date, on March 16, 2010, after a healthy pregnancy, I arrived at the hospital in labor. It was there I was told the life-altering words, "her heart is no longer beating." Lily's name took on an even deeper meaning... She will forever remain pure and innocent.

I struggled with why God would let me walk that road, let me carry and love Lily so much, only to take her from me. But I rest in knowing it is all in His hands. I trusted Him with her life and now I trust Him with her legacy.

God gave me the most precious gift I've ever received in Lily's life. Just as people give flowers to those they care about as a symbol of love, God gave me a little flower named Lily to show His love for me. Yet another reason I believe why He chose for her name to be Lily.

Unlike flowers on Earth that wither away, my little flower will never wither. She may not be alive on Earth, but her legacy is vibrantly alive. As soon as it seems her legacy might be withering, the Lord breaths His breath of life upon it, causing it to bloom all over again. You see, my Lily isn't a regular flower - she is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God. The gift of her life will keep on giving to anyone who is blessed enough to hear her story. Not only will her legacy bloom forever on Earth, but she is blooming with life in Jesus. Her body is in the ground, but the beauty and brilliance of this flower named Lily Katherine will never fade.

As my friend Teresa wrote to me, "I love that you chose the name Lily and that she is remembered by something so visible to us."

That is part of why I love her name.. It's so special that the Lord gave Lily a name with something so visibly attached to her name, as a reminder and symbol of my sweet Lily bloom.

Family History

Part of why I love Lily Katherine's name as much as I do is because of it's timeless elegance and lovely feminine sound. Not only are her first and middle names both names that would be heard in centuries past, but they are also named from generations past in my own family, making them even more special.

My great-grandmother Bain (my mom's dad's mom) was named Katherine. She was almost 100 when she passed away. I was 10 at the time, which leaves me with several memories of her. Obviously my Lily's middle name is Katherine. I selected it, not primarily because it is a family name, but because of the meaning. However, I selected Katherine with a "K," rather than a "C," because that's how my great-grandmother's name is spelled.

After all, according to Anne of Green Gables, "Katherine with a "K" is so much more alluring than Catherine with a "C." A "C" always looks so smug." ;)

me with my great-grandmother, Katherine

After I named Lily, I found out that Katherine's mother (so my great-great grandmother and Lily's great-great-great grandmother!) had the name Lily! Lily had a daughter named Katherine. And all these generations later, came my sweet flower... my Lily Katherine.

My great-great-grandmother, Lily, sitting front and center

It makes my heart smile that Lily is connected to my family through her name. She is just as real as anybody and deserves the most beautiful of names. She is a daughter, a granddaughter, a great-granddaughter, a great-great granddaughter, and so forth. She holds an irreplaceable part in my family. And it makes me feel connected to the women in my family who share my daughter's name.

Some people live close to 100 years on Earth, while others never take a breath outside the womb, but that doesn't make one life more significant than another. That's what I feel God reminding me of as I've struggled with wondering why my relatives before me, Lily and Katherine, were blessed with many more years than my little Lily Katherine. What I keep coming back to is remembering that it is God alone who numbers our days and it's His business whether those days are numbered few or many. Our value is not found in that number. And what God can do through a life is not measured or defined by that number. He works outside of our lines, as I wrote about in a blog post a couple years ago. Not only that, but His love for us is not measured in how many days He gives us on Earth. The fact that my girl has the same name as these women who lived on Earth for many decades is a reminder of how they are equal.

Special Nicknames 

Lily was due on March 14th, which is National Potato Chip Day. Ironically, the food I most craved during my pregnancy was hashbrowns. One of her nicknames since I was pregnant is Spud. Now, we have hashbrowns in our little Spud's honor each year on March 14th. ;)

Lil' Spud honored by my friend Naomi at Prince Edward Island

Other nicknames: Lily Kat, lilliputian, lilykins, L.O. (little one), Lily Kate, little flower, my girl

Other Considered Names

There was no question in my mind that her first name was meant to be Lily, but I did ponder quite a few possible middle names. I liked Lily Ember and Lily Victoria. Lily's daddy liked the names Aubrey and Quinn, which is a name in his family.

I think about how Ember is a name I considered as a middle name and how embers are the fizzling glow of a dying fire. In a way, it would seem that is what Lily's life has been... how it fizzled out so quickly. But I know the truth... her legacy will never fizzle and neither will her life. She just exists in another world. Victoria is a timeless name, just like Katherine, which is why I considered it.

One more note... If Lily had lived, she would not have had Allen-Ball as her last name (mine and her daddy's last names combined). It would have been either one or the other. I thought it was a special way to include both her parents in her name, and a way to honor him as her forever father.

Lily Katherine Allen-Ball's memorial stone in Crozet, Virginia

When you cannot call your child by name it is then that their name becomes that much more sacred. When they cannot write their own name on school papers and colorful drawings for the refrigerator, it is then that you want it to be written by anyone and everyone. When you cannot hear the voice of your child, you need to hear other voices talk about them, ask about them, and speak their name. Lily's name is unspeakably precious to me, which is why it means so much to have it be written in the sand all over the world.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of her name! It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!" -Author Unknown

I'll end with a few quotes that I feel capture Lily's beautiful life well:

"We can't know why the lily has so brief a time to bloom in the warmth of sunlight's kiss upon its face before it folds into its fragrance and bids the world goodnight to rest its beauty in a gentler place. But we can know that nothing that is loved is ever lost and no one who has touched a heart can really pass away because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they've been a part." -Ellen Brenneman

"It is amazing what beauty that one flower will give to her surroundings. She can be in an environment of bleak ugliness, however just her presence can transform her surroundings. This is exactly the way a faithful daughter can be a transformer and shining light to the world around her."

"A tiny flower, lent not given, to bud on Earth and bloom in Heaven."

I would love to heart about your baby's name.

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Sound of a Living Heart

It's been almost a year since the Lord moved mightily in my life in a specific area that I want to share about. He revealed Himself as my Restorer, restoring places deep within that had felt wounded for the past several years. I was beginning to wonder if it was possible for Him to mend those broken places... not that I didn't think He could, but I wondered if He would.

Then, just like that, He has brought more healing in my life in the last year than had come in the last few years. And He has been calling out to my soul for it to LIVE again. There were spaces in me that felt dead. I was clinging so tightly to my right to be broken, most especially in the area of losing Lily and her father.

But my Heavenly Father loves me too much to leave me in that place. He showed me He cares more about my freedom and healing than I do. And it was Him Who drew me out of that place. It was He Who called me unto Himself and breathed LIFE back into these dry, weary bones. It was He Who caused me to be so utterly miserable in the place where I was that I was willing to do whatever it was He asked of me, whatever it took to be free. It was He who revealed to me what was really going on so I could recognize it and pray against it. It was He Who has brought me VICTORY IN CHRIST. It is He Who I will praise and glorify all the days of my life.

In the spring of last year, I was in a dark place with grieving over the loss of Lily's father. It felt like an endless pain and I wondered if I'd ever be freed of it. I wondered if I'd ever be free to love another. I was burdened by the dreadful thought that I'd never be whole and healed. Now don't get me wrong, there has been much healing that God has brought in so many areas.... but oh, the regret and pain in this area!

Last May, I was in South Carolina with my sister-in-law Kala (who is also my best friend) and I was pouring out my broken heart to her. She is one person I can always count on to see what's really going on and she's not afraid to speak the truth I need to hear. She said, "you keep saying, "I feel this," and "I feel that." When really what I needed to do was recognize those were lies from the enemy! We decided instead of talking, we needed to pray.

I started off praying by saying I really had no idea what to pray and the Holy Spirit met me there and He prayed through me... it was literally the most intense and powerful prayer of my life. And I was weeping from the deepest parts of me, confessing things and repenting of things I wasn't even aware of until God drew it out of me. It was Him working in me! It was Him fighting! Literally in that moment, I know there was a spiritual breakthrough. I can't fully articulate or understand it, but I know God broke down walls that had been built up for years. He tore them down and proved Himself stronger.

I asked Him to make me willing to be made willing to do whatever He was asking of me for victory and healing. And He was faithful to reveal what needed to be done. He showed me that I had not obeyed something He had asked me to do long before this. He asked me how could I expect to be triumphant in something when I wasn't even willing to do what He showed me needed to be done?! It reminded me of a quote I had read that says, "God will not advance your instructions beyond your last act of disobedience." At that point, I was feeling a lack of direction in my life.

The specific thing God had asked me to do might seem like a small thing, but to me it was huge. He had asked me to throw away anything and everything having to do with my relationship with Lily's father. To me, throwing these items away felt like ripping my heart out. It felt like if I threw those things away, I was in a way throwing Lily away because in my heart, she is tied to him... or she was. God showed me that He would separate the two of them in my heart and mind. And for some reason, those tangible items were keeping me tied to him. I didn't want to do it and didn't for a long time. Until God gave me the strength to obey.

I told my sister-in-law what I knew He was asking me to do and said it needed to be done THAT DAY that I got back home. I literally couldn't wait any longer to obey my Father! I had disobeyed Him and couldn't bear it anymore. So I gathered everything together, the pictures, letters, songs, etc. and took it to the local dump. I wanted it to be symbolic, like these things are something I can never get back and this relationship I can never get back. It is over, it is finished forever.

On the day I took these things to the dump, God nudged me to get rid of anything from my past having to do with guys (even seemingly innocent things from guys I didn't have a serious relationship with). It was like I couldn't bear to have those things in my possession, even the things I hadn't thought about for years. Everything had to go! The thought of my future husband made me realize how much I already love him and how I will do anything to show him that. I can't bear the thought of him being hurt by my holding onto these items. And I wouldn't want him to be holding onto any items from girls in his past (even seemingly innocent things) so why would I? Everything was thrown out. And it was easy! It was a joy! Once I decided to obey the Lord, no matter the cost, and that I desired to love and honor my husband even now, God gave me supernatural grace.

I listened to a song on that day that was the cry of my heart. It's called "To Win Christ" by Ben Zornes. I listened to it over and over and over again and journaled the lyrics. Listen to it below (email subscribers click HERE).

Literally, the day after I was obedient in this, God whispered "Ellerslie Advanced" to my heart. I have my journal entries from around this time. I knew that I had wanted to return to Colorado for Advanced since my Basic Semester 4 years before... but honestly it was not even on my radar at that point because I was a full-time student, scheduled to graduate this spring. But He so clearly put this on my heart that it was what I was supposed to do in the next season of my life. Suddenly, I could hear my Jesus again. I had direction when before I didn't... all because of being obedient to Him.

It has been AMAZING to see His faithful hand guiding me to Ellerslie, how He worked out all the details of my school, finances, everything. And how much He did in me while I was there.

The Lord has spoken so much through the book of Exodus and how He was faithful to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into the Promised Land. Oh, how it is so easy for me to read about them and think how ridiculous they were for not trusting the Lord and for looking back at and longing for Egypt... then the Lord so clearly spoke to my heart that I am just like them, looking back to my own Egypt, to past relationships and longing for what was when what was wasn't God's best. Forgetting the misery and captivity. Knowing that He is calling me out of that, into something so much more beautiful than I can begin to fathom. I am not looking back anymore. I am following Him and trusting He will lead me through.

I'm beginning again... I'm living again... This is the sound of a living heart.

I hear Jesus calling me
Out of the grave I've been sleeping in
With new lungs I'll begin again
Lift my voice and sing my part
This is the sound of a living heart

(Email subscribers click HERE to listen).

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Her Baby Blues

Something I think will always haunt me is that I never got to look into Lily's eyes. Ask anyone who has experienced stillbirth and I guarantee this will be a resounding feeling.

I would give anything to have gotten to meet Lily alive... even for just a moment. It stings when I hear of other mothers who lost babies that did get to meet them outside of the womb. I wish I could have met the little girl who grew within, the little girl who I felt so full of life. I cannot even imagine what it's like to have a baby that I get to look into his/her eyes.

I'm haunted by wondering the question that will forever remain unanswered - what color were the eyes behind those lids shut-tight? The eyes that never opened to see the beauty to be discovered in this world God created. You know how "they" say the eyes are the window to the soul? Well, I never got to gaze into her soul, I never got to say "hello" to my baby before having to say "goodbye."

Since the first day of my life without Lily, I have thought of her beautiful eyes and how I wish I could have seen the light in them. Her father and I peeked at one of them. It was blue, but there was no light of life in them. Of course her eyes could have changed color through the months, but knowing that both her parents have blue eyes, I am nearly certain her eyes would have also remained blue.

This is part of something her daddy wrote to Lily in 2010: "I took a peek at your eyes. I didn't think you would mind. They shined blue, as blue as the clear summer sky. I just wish I had a chance to say "hi." Instead I had to say "goodbye." My love will never fade for you Lily, you are always on my mind and always in my heart."

I hope I have another blue-eyed baby one day. Both my parents, all my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. have blue (a couple with green) eyes. That's something I have always loved about my family, in a world where brown eyes are dominant and less and less people have blue or green eyes. It's something I want to pass on to my children. And it's painful to think of the little girl who did inherit those blue eyes, the little girl who I never got to see her blue eyes.

I have always felt certain her eyes were blue, and I've always wished I could have locked eyes with hers. In fact, I wrote something about her eyes in my letter to Lily that I read at her Celebration of Life Service:

"I know one day I will meet you at the gates of Heaven. Will you wait for me there? On that day, my Jesus will place you in my arms and I will finally be able to hold you, sing to you, smell your sweet baby smell, and look into your lovely blue eyes. Until then, I know He'll take good care of you. Until then, I will cling to the One who holds the world in His hands. Thank you for changing my life. I will never forget you little one, my precious angel who was simply too beautiful for Earth."

I may not have gotten to meet her and see her eyes here on this side of Heaven, but that doesn't mean I won't ever get to. I believe the moment is simply delayed, something I must wait for Heaven to experience. And that moment there will be more amazing than words could ever begin to attempt to describe. For now, I hold onto the comfort of knowing the first face she saw was the face of Jesus. And the first beauty she saw was the unimaginable beauty of Heaven.

A friend of mine posted this song by George Strait called "Baby Blue" about his daughter who passed away early in life. It reminded me of my beautiful girl with baby blues.

These lyrics especially touch my heart:

"I always knew she'd go away when the grass turned green and the sky turned baby blue... And baby blue was the color of her eyes. Baby blue like the Colorado skies. Like a breath of spring, she came and left, and I still don't know why... She brought colors to my life that my eyes had never touched. And when she taught me how to care, I never cared so much."

Lily was born right before spring started. She too went away when the grass turned green and the sky turned baby blue. She too had baby blue eyes. She too was like a breath of spring coming and going, though I don't know why. She too brought vibrant colors to my life and taught me how to care more than I ever cared for anyone or anything in all my life (besides Jesus).

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Her Forever Daddy

Here are Lily's precious hands with her daddy's hand.

She looked just like me, but she had his big hands and feet. I'm so thankful to have this photo, of course because it's her hands, but also because she shared that with him. And he will always be her daddy, even though we aren't together now. We will always share her. 

I couldn't help but think of him on Father's Day Sunday. I wonder if anyone else acknowledged him on that day. I wonder if it's a hard day for him. 

I wish our little girl were here to spend special days with us.

Here are photos of the view of the Blue Ridge Mountains from Lily's spot on Father's Day.

A lovely sunset.

We took Lily some lilies in honor of her daddy for Father's Day. We are housesitting for some friends and they have over 400 lilies at their home! My mom selected a variety of colors. She even thought of Lily's father on Father's Day.

He gave her the name "Ball." I will honor him as her father.

This random little drawing is something Lily Kat's daddy sketched when I was carrying her. It's now in her scrapbook. A picture of what might have been. The "what ifs" are hard to live with and something I must surrender to the Lord every day.

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Telluride Memories

In June 2009, my Aunt Nana and I went on a cross-country road-trip from Virginia to Colorado and then back to Virginia. Whenever I remember this trip, it makes me think of Lily because that is the month her life began within me.

We drove through many states and had such a special time together, stopping along the way and doing memorable things such as going up in the St Louis Arch. The main purpose of our trip was to attend the Telluride Jazz Festival in Telluride, Colorado. Oh my, is Telluride gorgeous!! Colorado is one of the most beautiful states in the country, in my opinion. I'm not sure where any photos from our trip are, but hope to find them at some point. I have souvenirs from the trip, including a mug that I regularly use, and a scarf, and magnets. And in some of the only photos I'll ever have of Lily, her father is wearing a shirt that says "Telluride, Colorado" on it.

This road-trip was such a fun adventure! I can hardly believe it was six years ago now. I was 19. I remember so much from this trip and now associate Telluride with first discovering I was pregnant.

My aunt really liked a singer named Lizz Wright and she was at the jazz festival. Hearing her music takes me right back to that time. It is so bittersweet.

This is random, but it's just another thing that reminds me of Lily that I want to share on my blog. 

Here is Lizz Wright singing:

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Even When It Feels like I'm Drowning

This post might be all over the place, so bear with me. I'm about to get really raw and vulnerable.

I don't want Lily to be seen as a "sad thing that happened to me." I don't want other people to look at her life and death and only see her death because of the dark shadow it has cast over my life since March 2010. I don't want to not live fully and honor her with my every breath, each a breath she will never take. I want her to bring happiness to my life, rather than take it away.

And she does bring me so much joy. She has brought me so much more beauty than pain. And I do know I am living in a way that brings her honor and God glory and that I am doing many beautiful things because of her.

However... I feel as if I will never be whole again. I know I will be in Heaven and that God will wipe away every tear from my eyes. But here... on Earth... I fear I might never feel only happiness again, without the tinge of sorrow.

There is a certain kind of loneliness in grieving your child without a spouse and in not having another child born either before or after the child you lost. I know I have friends and family who love and miss Lily, but not in the way I do, not in the way only a parent can. And I have hope that I will one day have another child, but who knows when and if that will ever be. I don't even have any prospect of a man in my life and it's difficult for me to picture finding someone that "fits" with me. It is so hard. SO HARD. to see people who had a loss around the time I did go on to have one, two, or even three more children since that time. And here I am, still single and without a child to raise. So many people who have a loss are able to go on and have another child to help fill their empty arms shortly after. I know that having another baby will never, ever replace Lily or completely take that pain and ache away, however, I imagine that there is a healing that comes only when you have another child. It's been FIVE years for me. I have been feeling forgotten by God. I know I am not, but I wonder why He finds it best to keep me single and childless still, all these years later.

My soul is weary in the waiting and wondering if I will ever have another child to call my own. I'm tired of feeling that oh so familiar, yet unwanted, pang of jealousy when I see what seems like everyone around me be given the gifts that I long for - marriage and more children. I'm burdened by the ache of loneliness I feel when it seems every other woman has a strong arm around her except me. I'm afraid that no man will ever "get" me or want to marry me. I'm weighed down from what it's done to me to miss my daughter for 5 years now. I'm tired of feeling like people think I am strange or unhealthy in how I express my grief and love for Lily. I'm tired of feeling like I have to work at making her "count" in other people's minds. It makes me sad when it seems other people avoid me and my posts about Lily, when I see them commenting all over other people's posts. I know people say, "it's just Facebook," but behind every Facebook account is a person. And it hurts to feel avoided. It hurts when I wonder if people think I'm a "Debbie downer" or that my posts are depressing. Even though they have no idea what it's like to walk a mile in my shoes. I feel alone in my feelings and like people just don't get it. Sometimes I just don't even want to explain myself about things... like why it would be hard to go to an Easter egg hunt because my child isn't here to participate. Or why I wouldn't want a living child to share a birthday with my daughter, when it's one of the only things I will ever have of her and it would be a bitter reminder each year of everything I'm missing out on. I feel like people think I'm mean or selfish when they have no idea how hard this is for me to carry. I'm just worn.

This is just me being (maybe too??) honest. I am far from perfect (anyone who knows me well is thinking, yeah, no kidding). But seriously, I don't want this blog to be a place where it seems as if I have this grief thing "figured out." Or that I never struggle. I want to be authentic and real and want others to be encouraged, even in their trials. I know that I have not always responded in a gracious and loving way while grieving Lily. I am trying to figure it out still.

People have asked me many times about Lily's father and if we are still together, what happened between us, and what not. I struggle with knowing what to say because I don't want to say too much or not enough. It's a very private grief and apart from losing Lily, the deepest and longest-lasting, most excruciating pain my heart has ever felt. The anguish reaches clear to my soul, the innermost part of my being. The wound is deeper than the sea. I have been haunted by "what ifs" and "if onlys."

Maybe in the future, I will share more. In fact, I believe fully that I will because I believe part of the ministry God has for me in the future is to reach out to others experiencing similar things.

What I will say now is I felt God ask me to give him up, to place that relationship in His hands. The Lord saw best to take that relationship away. Had Lily lived, things might have turned out differently. But, I have complete peace in knowing God asked me to let go of him.

Now, I always assumed it was because He had someone better suited for me. And maybe He does. But, I don't know that. I struggle at times wondering why God has not brought me my husband yet. I will be 26 this year and always pictured myself getting married very young, late teens or early twenties. I never imagined I'd still be single at this age. I also never imagined that after having Lily I would still not have another child 5 years later. I almost felt like God would certainly fulfill those dreams, after I had experienced so much pain. I don't know that I'll ever get married.

But, here's what I do know... I know that I would rather be single forever and in the center of God's perfect will for my life than having settled on the wrong person for me. Because here is the thing, HE (Jesus) is the right one for me, first and foremost, before any other guy. And purity is not just waiting for the "something better" or "someone better," but realizing HE (Jesus) is our something/Someone better, even if an Earthly Prince Charming never comes.

I have had relationships in the past where I could have gotten married had I so chosen to, but I am so thankful that the Lord kept me from choosing that path. And though it is painful and very lonely at times to wait for a man that I don't even know if he exists, I would rather honor the Lord and my future *hoped for* husband than give my heart away to guys who were never meant to have it.

I desire to seek to honor God in this area, no matter the cost. Even though I struggle with wondering why I still have these feelings for Lily's father and why God hasn't just taken them away, even after all this time, even though I was obedient in surrendering that relationship.

I have to believe it's all for a greater purpose. I have to thank the Lord for having anything to surrender to Him. I have the opportunity to deny myself and what my heart wants because I know what my heart wants is not God's best for my life. I have to trust that He has me still single and childless for a reason. That doesn't take away the pain or keep me from questioning at times. But I trust my loving Father. Even if I never get married or have a living child, I will trust that He is still good, still loving, and still has a perfect plan unfolding.

I'm singing this over my soul when the questions make me feel like I'm drowning:

This beautiful poem was shared with me by a friend and it has been such a blessing to me in this time of waiting...

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said,

“Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply.

“LORD, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

“My future, and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘Yes,’ a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘No’ to which I can resign.

“And LORD, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And, LORD, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

‘I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So I’m waiting…for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel

And His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

“All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want-

But, you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power I give to the faint;

“You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me;

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

“You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descend like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save, for a start,

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

“The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that, “My grace is sufficient for thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you!

“So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, ‘Wait.'”

-Russell Keller

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Waiting for His Redemption Song

The pain of so many losses;
A future, hopes, dreams, love, purity, innocence, a sweet little flower
Nothing on Earth can mend the wounds
It will be only by HIS power

The anguish of goodbyes
The agony of regret
What I'd give to go back
What I'd do to forget

In so many faces, I see his
He visits me in my dreams
I keep it all bottled up
But inside there are silent sobs and screams

They say "time heals all wounds,"
Five years since the drift
And I'm still waiting
For the crushing weight to lift

When her perfect heart stopped beating
The pulse of our love ceased too
I didn't just lose our little flower
I lost the both of you

How do I let go?
How do I move on?
I cling to HIM in my frailty
And wait for HIS redemption song...

Playing this on repeat - "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

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Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. I've been thinking of Lily's father and wondering how he feels on this day each year. Is it hard for him? Does he think of Lily? He will always be her father, even though she is not here. She will always be his first child. Here is a picture of the two of them at the hospital on the day she was born.

I am blessed to spend Father's Day with my dad. I am very thankful to my Heavenly Father for choosing him to be my Earthly father. 

I saw this video about fatherhood and it brought tears to my eyes, especially the part where the couple is telling their dad they are pregnant and the part where the young woman is crying and hugging her dad. It made me think of how supportive my parents were when they found out I was in an unplanned pregnancy. They truly lived pro-life. My parents have been there for me every step of the way, through my pregnancy and the loss of Lily. I can see it in their eyes how much they love their first grandchild, Lily Katherine. Honestly, how they have loved me through the past several years has spoken so much about their character and has shown me at a whole new depth how much they love me, truly unconditionally. How I love Lily shows me how they love me. I am more appreciative and thankful for them than ever before.

Here are my three siblings and I with our dad. This photo was taken seven years ago this month, the weekend of my high-school graduation. My little sister, Emma, had just turned 13, I was almost 18, and my twin big brothers Adam and Joseph, were almost 23.

I saw something on Facebook that I wanted to share here. It said, "For the one who has lost a father, For the father who has lost a child, For the one who longs to be a dad: You're not forgotten this Father's Day. You are in our prayers and we love you."

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