Her 9th Birthday

A beautiful baby girl that I carried, birthed, and love should be turning 9 today. It's my birthing-day.

9 years since I held that perfect-but-without-breath 7 pound 9 ounce and 21 inch body and saw my face in hers.

9 years of treasuring her life and mothering her legacy.

9 years of her name being written all over the world in the sand, snow, and everywhere in between.

9 years of writing and speaking about her.

9 years and the missing and love haven't changed.

Honestly, I am at a bit of a loss for words this year. I have been so busy with working full-time and taking Masters classes and just life in general that I've barely had time to process Lily's birthday and my memories and feelings surrounding it. Not only that, but I'm dealing with some difficult things right now, which compounds my grief with it being Lily's time of year.

Around her day each year, I like to go back and read my blog posts where I see how we've celebrated her on each of her past birthdays. This year, I honestly don't have much planned. It made me feel sad to see how many special things I've done in her honor in the past and guilty for not doing more this year.

As I was contemplating these feelings, I realized this is pressure I put on myself for no reason. Her birthday season might look different each year. Some years I might go to the beach or somewhere else different and fun, while other years (like this year), the plans may be more simple. Some years I might get a tattoo or deliver hospital comfort boxes, while other years I may celebrate in a quieter way. There is no need for any pressure because my love for Lily does not wane... despite what is going on or not going on or how many years have passed.

This year, I need things to be gentler and simpler. This year, I will cherish long-held traditions and the memory of her life within mine. This year, I will let go of the pressure or the need to do certain things or write certain words in order for her life to "count," in order for the great loss of her to mean something. She matters and nothing in all of the universe could ever change that. I love her and nothing will diminish my devotion as her mommy.

A sweet acquaintance turned friend named Liza told me last weekend how she read my words after she walked through one, and then two miscarriages, and was in a dark place. She said my sharing about Lily helped her to know it was okay to grieve and feel sad over something she had wanted so badly. She felt validated and it helped her share her journey publicly herself. She said she doesn't know she would have it weren't for Lily and my sharing. She said I could keep this all to myself and it would be understandable, but that she's thankful I share Lily with others and that others are able to get to know my girl and can join in and be a part of her life and story. In turn, Liza sharing her journey has helped me walking my own, as I know it has helped many others too. It's amazing how that works.

She went on to say that the reason Lily died wasn't to help and impact others. That wouldn't be reason enough for those who have lost a child. Jesus never brings or intends death, but in His power and love, He is able to use the seemingly most bleak and utterly wretched circumstances and pain for our good and His glory. I find comfort in knowing that even in death and suffering, God has brought beauty. There is much solace in that truth.

Having my friend share this with me touched my heart deeply. I say this every year, but it seems the Lord reserves special blessings for the month of March. I have gotten precious messages from blog readers, some who have followed along for years and I've never heard from. One had a dream about Lily this month. This month is marked as sacred and these messages and words about Lily carry me and encourage me to continue sharing my journey.

My journey this year is that I thought I didn't have much to share... but maybe it turns out I had more to say than I realized. I love all you who love Lily alongside me.

Here are pictures from March 16, 2010...

Here is Lily's song

Here are the blog posts I've written over the years, both on Lily's birthdays, as well as the posts about how we've celebrated her birthdays:

Happy First Birthday, My Darling

Lily's 1st Birthday Celebration!

Two Years Ago Today, I Held a Piece of Heaven

Lily's 2nd Birthday Celebration!

To Love is to Celebrate ~ Her 3rd Birthday

Lily's 3rd Birthday Celebration!

An Eternal Flower

Lily's 4th Birthday Celebration!

Her 5th Birthday ~ My Heart Will Choose
Lily's 5th Birthday Celebration!
Her 6th Birthday ~ My Little Flower
Lily's 6th Birthday Celebration!
Her 7th Birthday ~ Her Story Isn't Over
Lily's 7th Birthday Celebration!
Her 8th Birthday
Lily's 8th Birthday Celebration!

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He Holds All My March 16's

This is something I wrote last year on Lily's Birthday Eve. It remains true today. I updated it to reflect the 8-year-mark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I lay here trying to get my thoughts to shut off enough to get some sleep, my mind goes back to this night 8 years ago.

I clearly remember being in that space between awake and slumber and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew it was from God. I had been feeling nervous about giving birth and wondering how I could handle the physical pain. Never could I have imagined that in the coming hours, physical pain would be the least of my concerns.

As I drifted off to sleep that night, unsure of what was to come, the Lord already knew how it would all unfold. He knew that in just a couple hours, I'd awaken to contractions. He knew that in just a few hours, I'd learn what He already knew from the foundation of the world... that my little girl would slip away. That she wasn't meant to grow up on Earth.

I look back and am encouraged as I remember the peace and comfort that washed over me that night. And on this same night 8 years later, I am strengthened because that same peace and comfort is meeting me right where I am. The God who saw me that night could see me on this night. He holds my heart and my little girl. He holds all my March 16s in His hands.

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7 Years of Blogging My Grief

It was on this date in 2010 that I wrote my first blog post after Lily's birth and death.

The first thing I recall writing was my letter to Lily that I read aloud at her Celebration of Life Service. But on this date, I was back home after her burial in Virginia, and life had to carry on in a new normal.

I started my blog while I was pregnant with Lily, but after she died, the vision for my blog transformed.

So 13 days after her birth, I wrote that first blog post that would turn into thousands, that would turn into me still pouring out my heart here in this sacred space that is for her. This place that has brought me so much healing, support, and has been a way for me to offer support to others as well.

I am so very thankful to have the words I wrote in that raw time in my journey after her birth. I could never recreate the exact things I felt, so it's priceless to look back now... to see how far I have come, to see how God has healed me and brought so much beauty.

Each post is a testimony to that.

If you are interested in going back and reading my journey of loss and love from that first post in March 2010, you can click here.

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I Left Three Behind at the Grave

On this date in 2010, I left my little girl's tiny and perfect-but-without-breath 7 pound 9 ounce 21 inch body behind in a grave in a cemetery in Virginia.

I was thinking today that what made that day even more heart-wrenching was that I left not just one behind at that grave, but three...

I walked away from who I was before Lily. I walked away from who I might have been. So many facets of my being were utterly uprooted and transformed as a result of her death (and life).

And I walked away from her daddy, from him ever being in my life again. As I shared in a poem I wrote a few years ago:
"When her perfect heart stopped beating
The pulse of our love ceased too
I didn't just lose our little flower
I lost the both of you"

There were many endings on March 27th, 2010.

But what I have found in the years since that I couldn't see then is that on that same day, there were also many beginnings...

The beginning of Lily's legacy.

The beginning of an earthly ministry, born out of loss, and of course lots of love, for the glory of my King.

The beginning of the Lord weaving healing, restoration, and redemption so beautifully and unexpectedly, in such a way that would make me love Him more through the anguish of goodbyes and agony of regret.

On that early Spring day, I didn't see how Spring would one day inhabit my soul again. Like the sun causes flowers to bloom in Spring, the Son shined on this Rose's heart and caused it to bloom once more. In the midst of so many losses, He Himself was and is my gain.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." -Isaiah 43:19 💕🌸 🌹

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Days Nobody Remembers

Days like today are the days nobody remembers... nobody but me that is (and a couple family members). Today is March 27th and to most, it's just another Spring day. But for me, it will always be the day my daughter's body was layed to rest beneath the Virginia earth. To me, it will be the day I watched as her tiny white casket, inside her cozy Moses basket, was covered with tears, rose and lily petals, and dirt. And I had to leave her there. I had to walk way, with a piece of myself in the ground. There's no way to describe the aching and the emptiness of that moment. My arms were lost. It was over... really, truly over. I was just barely out of my teens when I buried my baby.

As my friend Sandra who buried her baby daughter 16 years ago on this same date wrote, "I planted a seed in the ground in a cemetery that I must wait to see bloom in Heaven."

"...life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no; Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby. The sharp knife of a short life." -The Band Perry

This was one of the songs that was played at Lily's Burial Service. It was the final song, ending the Service on a hopeful note. That harmonica and those lyrics take me right back. I shared with JJ Heller what this song means to me and she actually responded.

"Your Hands" by JJ Heller
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh, Lord before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yeah, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

-Click here to read more about the day of Lily's Burial.

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Taking Her Home and a Letter

7 years ago today, Lily was taken over state lines from North Carolina where she was born to my home state of Virginia where she would forever remain on this Earth. I sat in the car beside the little white box that held the outer shell where the most precious soul once lived. The Jewel "Lullaby" album softly played in the background as I put pen to paper and scripted a letter to my beautiful girl that I read at her Celebration of Life Service that evening. Family and friends gathered together in her honor, where people read things they wrote, songs were played, and tears were shed. ❤️

This is that letter that I shared:

Dear Lily,

My little love. My constant companion. My precious flower. You whispered "goodbye" before I had a chance to say "hello." I'm left with a bruised heart and shaken dreams. Empty arms desperate to be filled with you. When I heard those words, those dreadful words, that your heart was no longer beating, it was like I was suffocating. I keep having to remind myself to breathe...Why is it so hard to breathe?! 

I couldn't cry at first...I was just shocked. My world was shattered, crumbling around me. Somehow the physical pain didn't seem to matter much anymore. You went straight from my womb to the arms of Jesus. Why did you have to go? Doesn't He know I need you here? Doesn't He know that you're my world? And yet life goes on. I still hear laughter. The moon still rises and the sun still sets. But, I won't forget. Even when I smile, thoughts of you are always dancing in the back of my mind. Shouldn't the whole world just stop? Mine has. How does the wind still blow? Doesn't it know you aren't here?

Oh, the plans I had for your life. All the things I wanted to show you and teach you. I longed for the day you would finally fill all those clothes that are just for you. I waited and waited to see that beautiful, toothless smile I'd imagined so many times before. The way your eyes would sparkle. I would rock you for hours and softly sing sweet lullabies in your ear. I can't help thinking of all that could have been. All that was meant to be. You should be at home in your Moses basket now, not in that little white box.

What will life be like when what should have been your firsts come? Your first 'mama,' your first grin, your first giggle when you’d see me coming to get you out of your crib in the morning, your first tooth, the first time you'd crawl…and walk. Your first Christmas and how your eyes would light up with all the beautiful lights and decorations. Your first birthday and how you'd get cake all over your special birthday dress. Your first trip to the beach and mountains. As the months pass, I will wonder how you might have looked...growing so fast. Would your hair be curly? Who would you look like? Would you be talking yet? Walking yet? All that could have been...should have been. Yet, it will never be. This ache in my heart will remain because I'll never get to see all these firsts...and seconds and thirds. I'll never get to see my baby girl turn into a beautiful lady. I'll never get to hold her baby. Parents should never have to bury their children. That's not how it should be. It seems so unnatural.

My little blessing from Heaven, blue skies turned to gray when you slipped away. A piece of my heart left with you. Sometimes it feels like people are already forgetting you. But, I won't forget. So, don't feel like you're missing out on all the fun. Because wherever I go, there you'll be too.

My sweet, sweet Baby...You have changed me forever. You have left a footprint on many hearts. Someone so tiny has accomplished so much! More than a lot of people do in a long lifetime. How precious you are to God! And to me! In a matter of months, I went from looking at you as a burden to loving you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. My world was built around you. Now, I can't imagine the rest of my life without you by my side.

I miss every little thing about you and everything that reminds me of you. I don't want to forget a thing. Feeling you kicking in the middle of the night, joking about you, talking to you, calling you by your nicknames (Spud, my little flower, Lily Kat, Lilliputian, Lilykins, L.O. (Little One), Lily Kate), hearing your sweet heartbeat, seeing your chubby cheeks on the ultrasound screen, and being so amazed as I saw God form you inside of me. My belly grew as my love for you grew. I even miss waking up a thousand times every night for nine months to go to the bathroom and waddling around like a penguin. It's funny how all these things that used to annoy me are now the things I long to experience again. Just the comfort of knowing you were inside me - living, growing, thriving...In the safest place you could be. You were always with me...always protected.

God's hand was on you while you were in my womb. He saved you and you saved me. Thank you. I want the world to know how wonderful you are! The beautiful legacy you leave behind will never be forgotten. YOU will never be forgotten, precious Lily. My love, you are so pure, so precious, so tiny, so perfect. When I held you in my arms I had a taste of something truly divine. Such a sweet spirit. When I looked into your face, I saw the face of my Jesus. I glimpsed Eternity. I am so blessed to have known you. You will never have to know this world marred with pain and sin. You will forever be pure and innocent. I am proud to call you my child. Proud that God would choose me to carry you! A princess.

For now, I will have to hold onto the memories of you. The bittersweet memories of your little button nose, your little fingers and toes. How perfect you were. Every last detail of you just right. I will cherish these memories forever. For now, I'll have to hold onto the little keepsakes - the journal I wrote for you, your precious footprints and handprints, and pictures. They are not enough, but will have to do...For now. Because I know one day I will meet you at the gates of Heaven. Will you wait for me there? On that day, my Jesus will place you in my arms and I will finally be able to hold you, sing to you, smell your sweet baby smell, and look into your lovely blue eyes. Until then, I know He'll take good care of you. Until then, I will cling to the One who holds the world in His hands. Thank you for changing my life. I will never forget you little one, my precious angel who was simply too beautiful for Earth

Love, Mommy

-Click here to read more about her Celebration of Life Service and to see more photos.

-Click here to read a post I wrote about taking her home to Virginia.

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One Last Kiss

It was on this date in 2010 that I last saw Lily and gave her one last kiss "goodbye," until one day a forever "hello."

-Click here to read more about that day.

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Her Hand in Mine

This is a photo I've never shared before because it's blurry and not the best angle... However, each time I look at it, memories of Lily's birth wash over me.

This may have been the first photo taken of Lily, literally right after she was born. The time stamped on it may very well be 4:24 p.m.

The moment is so clearly etched forever in my memory, when her perfectly formed body was delivered into this world, no longer a part of my body, after all those months with her as my constant companion, my budding flower.

Here's this moment we dream of all our lives, we who since diapers ourselves were caring for our baby dolls with a desire to one day have a real baby of our own nestled in our hearts.

Those dreams never consist of how March 16, 2010 unfolded for me. How in that miraculous moment when a new life emerges from the womb, that instead of being greeted by shouts of delight and celebration over sweet newborn cries and a scrunched-up face and curled-up body, we see our loved child, who we also have imagined meeting for months, once so full of life within us, now lifeless, limp, and silent. That somehow deafening silence that pierces your heart. All you hear are your own wails and pleads to God to please make this all be just a bad nightmare that you'll eventually wake up from.

When Lily was born, they held up her perfect little body and I gasped in adoration and heartbreak all at once. And the tears seemed they'd never cease.

The love overshadowed the pain in that moment when they placed her on my chest, right around the time this picture was taken. I gentle cradled her delicate form and held her little hand in mine, almost like I'd hurt her if I wasn't careful. But it was only my heart that was hurting. And she would never be hurt by anything in this world.

I held her and I reveled in the beauty of her most angelic features and how she looked like my mini. I rejoiced that I was given the gift of her life and the joy of the adventure of carrying her for nearly 4 seasons. I sobbed. I clung to Jesus, and find myself still clinging because I know He is the only One who has carried me for the 7 years without that hand wrapped around mine. He is a good, good Father, who gave me the gift of a baby, my baby who changed everything. ❤️

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He Holds All My March 16's

This is something I wrote last year on Lily's Birthday Eve. It remains true today. I updated it to reflect the 7-year-mark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I lay here trying to get my thoughts to shut off enough to get some sleep, my mind goes back to this night 7 years ago.

I clearly remember being in that space between awake and slumber and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew it was from God. I had been feeling nervous about giving birth and wondering how I could handle the physical pain. Never could I have imagined that in the coming hours, physical pain would be the least of my concerns.

As I drifted off to sleep that night, unsure of what was to come, the Lord already knew how it would all unfold. He knew that in just a couple hours, I'd awaken to contractions. He knew that in just a few hours, I'd learn what He already knew from the foundation of the world... that my little girl would slip away. That she wasn't meant to grow up on Earth.

I look back and am encouraged as I remember the peace and comfort that washed over me that night. And on this same night 7 years later, I am strengthened because that same peace and comfort is meeting me right where I am. The God who saw me that night could see me on this night. He holds my heart and my little girl. He holds all my March 16s in His hands.

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We Were All Waiting and Ready for Her

My Facebook Memories is full of excitement, well-wishes, and eager anticipation from 7 years ago.

Posts keep popping up of friends saying things like:

"Come on, Lily girl!" 

"OMG I am getting soo excited for you as the days progress! Let me know when she arrives! I can't wait to see pics of her!" 

"Keep us posted, sweet Hannah Rose." 

"Hold her in just a few more days." 

"Well at least it is a pretty number day and a pretty day over all. Don't forget to let us know something when you do have her! :D" 

"Let me know what's going on seeing as I still have Lily's gift and I want her to be able to wear it before she grows out of it."

And me responding with thank you's and:

"I am SO ready! You will definitely see pictures soon after she's born!" 

"I'll definitely keep everyone posted! I am so ready for her to get here! ughh"

I didn't know being born would mean saying goodbye. I didn't know that when I posted some of my responses, that she was already gone and I wouldn't get to share her sweet photos... at least not in the way I wanted.

My mom and I are both funny in that we like even number days better than odd. We told our friend, who was due a couple months after me (the one whose baby shower we went to the day before my due date), that we wanted Lily to be born on an even number day, so that's what she's referencing. She was born on one after all.

And my friend who said she hadn't given me Lily's gift never did give it to me. I didn't need it. I still wish I had gotten it from her.

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He Holds All My March 16s

As I lay here trying to get my thoughts to shut off enough to get some sleep, my mind goes back to this night 6 years ago.

I clearly remember being in that space between awake and slumber and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew it was from God. I had been feeling nervous about giving birth and wondering how I could handle the physical pain. Never could I have imagined that in the coming hours, physical pain would be the least of my concerns.

As I drifted off to sleep that night, unsure of what was to come, the Lord already knew how it would all unfold. He knew that in just a couple hours, I'd awaken to contractions. He knew that in just a few hours, I'd learn what He already knew from the foundation of the world... that my little girl would slip away. That she wasn't meant to grow up on Earth.

I look back and am encouraged as I remember the peace and comfort that washed over me that night. And on this same night 6 years later, I am strengthened because that same peace and comfort is meeting me right where I am. The God who saw me that night could see me on this night. He holds my heart and my little girl. He holds all my March 16s in His hands.

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Ain't Even Grey, but She Buries Her Baby

Over the past couple days, I have been reading through tears the precious words in the guest book from Lily Katherine's Celebration of Life Services, which were 5 years ago yesterday evening and this morning.

Each entry has different handwriting, representing Lily's uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, great-uncles, great-aunts, great-grandparents, and friends... all people who share their forever love for her and their support within the pages of this sacred book. They express how they will always miss her, how she has impacted their life, how they wish they could have met her, and how they have the hope of one day seeing her.

Oh how I will always cherish these tender and heartfelt words to my beautiful baby girl. I wonder how often these people think of her now. I hope they do. I can't bare the thought of them not caring about her anymore.

This is part of what my Uncle Time wrote in the guest book: "God uses tragedy to bring us to our knees, not to punish us, but to love us... Your wound will become your gift in time. Lily will always be your inspiration in your Earthly life." She is my gift and inspiration indeed! But I sure do miss her like crazy.

Today, March 27th, was the day I left a piece of my heart in the ground in Virginia. I was just barely out of my teens when I buried my baby.

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life"
-The Band Perry

This is something I wrote to Lily when I shared on my blog in 2010 about her Celebration of Life Services: "You have changed me forever, sweet girl. Know that I will never, ever forget you. I will always miss you. Always love you. There will always be a hole in my heart because you aren't here with me. But, I know you're with Jesus, and that brings me great joy! Every one I meet will always know about you. How you changed me. How you changed my life. Your siblings will always know how they have a big sister named Lily. No matter how old I get, I will cherish your life and the memories I have of you. You will forever be a part of me, no matter where I go. No matter what happens next, you'll always be my little girl. Always." These words make me choke up because 5 years later, I still feel them just as deeply, if not more so.

Here are some other posts about the month of March that I've written in years past that you might be interested in reading:

Spring is Coming...

One Last Kiss...For Now

Taking Her Home

In Honor of You (Lily's Celebration of LIFE Service)

Days Nobody Remembers

The Master's Fingerprint (the Day of Lily's Burial)

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