Monday, March 29, 2010

13 Days

It's been 13 days. 13 days since my world was turned upside down...13 days since Dr. M told me your precious heart was no longer beating. How have I made it this long without you? 13 days has felt like an eternity without you, sweet Lily. So how am I supposed to live 13 months without you, 13 years..30 years? The rest of my days on this Earth without my little flower. My mind and heart can barely grasp this agonizing thought.

I keep thinking about the days and weeks leading up to your birth. Oh, such excitement and anticipation that filled my soul! I would soon hold my sweet baby. But, the first time I held you was also the last. How could I have known? Now your body is in the earth. Alone. You need your mommy. And she needs you. But, the miles separate us. The grave separates us. I wish for one moment I could forget this nightmare. I would go back to before March 16. I would sing to you a little sweeter. Memorize all your kicks...Your sleeping pattern. If I had known these would be the only memories of you, I would have soaked it in so much more. I wouldn't have wished the days away. These were the sweetest days. Because they were spent with you. Now I cling to what I remember. Those precious nine months where you were alive inside of me. What I would give to have another 13 days...

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