Wednesday, March 31, 2010

April, please don't come so soon.

It's the last day of March...I don't want March to end. I've been waiting for it to come for so long. The promises that March held were beautiful. A new baby girl and motherhood just beginning for me. Now, my baby has come and gone. Yes, she was born, but not under circumstances I ever could have dreamed. She's with Jesus now. I don't know what I would do if I didn't believe that. How do people who aren't Christians deal with death? How dismal and depressing it must be. I am so thankful to know she's with my Lord, but I still want her here. I know she has all Heaven's glory, so is it selfish of me to want her here in this lost world with me?

I never knew I could miss someone so much I barely got to know. The only things I know about her are from how she acted in the womb. I keep thinking I should have done more to remember her. If only I had known that precious time with her was all I'd have. I would have talked to her more, read to her, and prayed aloud to her. I would have memorized her sleeping and waking patterns and payed more attention to all her movements. But, I can't regret that now.

A very brave woman, whose precious baby boy had Trisomy 13 and passed last October, recently told me that she can't imagine how much more excruciating it is for me since I was not prepared to lose Lily. I actually thought the opposite. I got to have forty glorious weeks of planning, laughing, dreaming, and loving Lily with everything in me. I'm so thankful for that time. Even though it was the hardest day of my life to show up at the hospital, expecting to leave with my new baby, only to end up going home with empty arms and an aching heart. I feel like it would have been tougher knowing she was going to die. God is in control. He knows what He's doing in each life. I have to remember that.

At the beginning of March, I was just thrilled. Until it actually came, it seemed like a distant dream that would never actually show up. The days before her birth were going by so slowly and I wanted them to hurry up so I could be with Lily. Now I wish I had soaked them up for all they were. I wish I had cherished more deeply every moment she was alive.

Once March arrived, I remember saying Lily would finally be here by the end of the month! Several of my friends and family had guesses on when she'd finally make her grand entrance into the world. As the days passed, I crossed people off the list who hadn't guessed correctly. My brothers were the first to go. Joseph initially guessed February 29th, but upon realizing there is no February 29th this year, he changed his guess to March 1st. I thought that was pretty funny. I guessed March 12th because I was born on the 12th of August. March 12th is the day we believe Lily passed away. It's interesting the day I thought she'd be with us on earth was actually the day she got to be with Jesus...she really did make it home.

I wish March didn't have to end. It symbolizes the end of one season of my life and the beginning of the next. It should have symbolized the ending of my pregnancy and delivery and the rest of my life with Lily. It should have meant the beginning of her life, but instead it means the end. Lily's gone and I have nothing to show for my labor except an extended waistline. April means warmer weather and the promise of summer. It also means that life goes on. As much as I don't want it to go on without her. I almost feel guilty that time keeps going, not caring who it leaves behind. But, there's nothing tangible I can do for my baby without her here. Even though I want to care for her so badly.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day, but I don't feel like being silly. Because my little girl never got to see April...or May, or June. She never got to see the changing seasons. I hope she does in Heaven. When April comes this year, the world may be moving on. My world may have to move on, but is forever changed by a sweet little March flower who taught me what life is truly all about, without ever speaking a single word.


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