Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sorrow mixed with Joy

Two weeks ago, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Can you believe it? At times it doesn't seem real, especially because it feels like I have nothing to show for it...Just empty arms, an empty cradle, a broken heart, and an out-of-shape body. The physical pain is almost gone and I am getting my strength back. So, now the only things reminding me that I was at REX Hospital on March 16th are the memories, the pictures, the keepsakes, and all of Lily's things around the house.

I guess it might be hard for some people to be surrounded by the belongings their baby didn't live long enough to ever use. My dad suggested that all the baby stuff should be put away before I got home from the hospital...other people thought that too. But, that's not what I wanted. Is it strange that I want to be around her things? I want to be surrounded with things and people that remind me of her. Stowing it all away would be like pretending she never existed. But, she did. She was real. And I'm still a mother. Looking through the clothes she never got to wear helps me grieve. I want to grieve. It seems like some people in my family are afraid of grief and want to escape it. But, not me. I don't want to rush through the grief, the healing. I want to experience all of it, for as long as I need to. I like to just sit in her room and look at all the decorations. It's really hard to be in there. She'll never get to sleep in her crib, get changed on her changing table, play with her toys, wear her clothes, or look at all the bright colors. Such sorrow fills my soul when I'm in there. These days, I am experiencing so many emotions. Mostly sorrow mixed with joy. Sorrow because I want my baby here with me and joy because she's with Jesus. Two emotions I haven't felt are bitterness and anger toward God. I am so thankful for that. I pray He keeps giving me the peace, hope, and strength I need to get through each day.

Lily would have been two weeks old yesterday. I can't help but think how one day this week, we would have been pushing her in her green stroller up to 'Growing Child Pediatrics', which is only about a mile away from our home. I picture her all bundled up with her pink, blue, and green blankets and wearing one of her adorable outfits. She would be so cozy and warm, just showered with attention. She was so cute. I'm sure I would have gotten a lot of compliments about how precious and adorable she was. It's chilly out this morning. I should be keeping her warm. I'm sure she'd be growing so much.

I try to picture how she'd look deeply drinking in everything around her. All the sights and sounds so fresh, so new. How curious she'd be. I'm sure she's doing that now in Heaven. But, what she sees there cannot be compared to what she would have seen here. Her eyes will only ever behold such beauty and wonder that mere words cannot describe. No human eye can comprehend. I'm glad she gets to see it. I hope she'll show me around Heaven when I get there. I wonder if she misses me. Probably not because there is no sadness in Heaven and we will never wish it was a different way. But, maybe there is a longing in her heart to be with me again. Like, there's a longing in Jesus' heart to be reunited with His Bride.



  1. Oh dear one,
    I just read through your whole blog and am heartbroken for you. I know there is nothing like walking into the hospital pregnant and excited but then walking out without your baby. I think it is one of the memories I will have pasted to my brain with every detail and intensity of that day. I hate that.
    Lifting you up each day as you make your way without your sweet little Lily.
    Much love...

  2. Thank you for your kind words, Lori. :) I don't think I'll ever forget a single detail from that day and the days that followed...It's good to know I'm not alone in this.


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