Mixed Emotions

My Aunt Sarah shared this devotional from Our Daily Bread with me over New Years and I have been meaning to share it here ever since. When she read it, she thought of Lily and I. It has greatly ministered to me and I pray it ministers to you too.

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December 30

Mixed Emotions

Revelation 21:1-7

Our Daily Bread

For Marlene and me, “mixed emotions” precisely describes our wedding. Don’t take that the wrong way. It was a wonderful event that we continue to celebrate more than 35 years later. The wedding celebration, however, was dampened because Marlene’s mom died of cancer just weeks before. Marlene’s aunt was a wonderful stand-in as the “mother of the bride,” but, in the midst of our happiness, something clearly wasn’t right. Mom was missing, and that affected everything.

That experience typifies life in a broken world. Our experiences here are a mixed bag of good and bad, joy and pain – a reality that Solomon expressed when he wrote, “Even in laughter the heart may sorrow, and the end of mirth may be grief” (Proverbs 14:13). The merry heart does grieve, for that is what this life sometimes demands.

Thankfully, however, this life is not all there is. And in the life that is to come, those who know Christ have a promise: “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away” (Revelations 21:4). In that great day, there will be no mixed emotions – only hearts filled with the presence of God!

-Bill Crowder

For the Christian, the dark sorrows of Earth will one day be changed into the bright songs of Heaven.

Peace! Peace! Wonderful peace,

Coming down from the Father above,

Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray,

In fathomless billows of love.

-Cornell

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How perfectly this describes life on Earth without my daughter of Heaven. My life is full of mixed emotions because Lily missing affects everything. I think of my future wedding day and how bittersweet it will be without Lily there, just like was written about in this devotional without Marlene's mother there. I think of so many future dreams for my life and how they will be dampened because she is not here. Never again will life be full of only joy, but joy tinged with sadness.

This devotional reminds me of some of the lyrics from the song that my friend Heather wrote for me, "Through laughter and tears, I will not forget sweet Lily, my beautiful girl." 

Life on this Earth will always be broken because of sin, death, and pain. However, those whose faith and hope is in Christ have the promise of Eternity. An Eternity with no more tears, no more sorrow, no more sin, no more death. 

One sweet, glorious, wonderful day, my friends, there will be no more tears. Only joy. Cling to Him and His promises. And trust that until that day, He holds each of your tears and cares for your broken, hurting heart.

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Sorrow mixed with Joy

Two weeks ago, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Can you believe it? At times it doesn't seem real, especially because it feels like I have nothing to show for it...Just empty arms, an empty cradle, a broken heart, and an out-of-shape body. The physical pain is almost gone and I am getting my strength back. So, now the only things reminding me that I was at REX Hospital on March 16th are the memories, the pictures, the keepsakes, and all of Lily's things around the house.


I guess it might be hard for some people to be surrounded by the belongings their baby didn't live long enough to ever use. My dad suggested that all the baby stuff should be put away before I got home from the hospital...other people thought that too. But, that's not what I wanted. Is it strange that I want to be around her things? I want to be surrounded with things and people that remind me of her. Stowing it all away would be like pretending she never existed. But, she did. She was real. And I'm still a mother. Looking through the clothes she never got to wear helps me grieve. I want to grieve. It seems like some people in my family are afraid of grief and want to escape it. But, not me. I don't want to rush through the grief, the healing. I want to experience all of it, for as long as I need to. I like to just sit in her room and look at all the decorations. It's really hard to be in there. She'll never get to sleep in her crib, get changed on her changing table, play with her toys, wear her clothes, or look at all the bright colors. Such sorrow fills my soul when I'm in there. These days, I am experiencing so many emotions. Mostly sorrow mixed with joy. Sorrow because I want my baby here with me and joy because she's with Jesus. Two emotions I haven't felt are bitterness and anger toward God. I am so thankful for that. I pray He keeps giving me the peace, hope, and strength I need to get through each day.


Lily would have been two weeks old yesterday. I can't help but think how one day this week, we would have been pushing her in her green stroller up to 'Growing Child Pediatrics', which is only about a mile away from our home. I picture her all bundled up with her pink, blue, and green blankets and wearing one of her adorable outfits. She would be so cozy and warm, just showered with attention. She was so cute. I'm sure I would have gotten a lot of compliments about how precious and adorable she was. It's chilly out this morning. I should be keeping her warm. I'm sure she'd be growing so much.


I try to picture how she'd look deeply drinking in everything around her. All the sights and sounds so fresh, so new. How curious she'd be. I'm sure she's doing that now in Heaven. But, what she sees there cannot be compared to what she would have seen here. Her eyes will only ever behold such beauty and wonder that mere words cannot describe. No human eye can comprehend. I'm glad she gets to see it. I hope she'll show me around Heaven when I get there. I wonder if she misses me. Probably not because there is no sadness in Heaven and we will never wish it was a different way. But, maybe there is a longing in her heart to be with me again. Like, there's a longing in Jesus' heart to be reunited with His Bride.

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Christmas Day 2009.

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